stingy boyfriend

[fantas_tique]

hi, I have been engaged to this guy for about a year now. He is the sweetest fiance a woman can ask for, in every thing except his pocket. he is so stingy with me, I find that there is something wrong going on here, I mean, if you have to consider the amount of money I've spent on this guy, especially when he was unemployed, I helped him with his bills, things he had to do etc. He was so grateful to me because if it weren't for me, he probably would have gotten evicted. I'm not saying that I did things to expect anything back from him but for goodness sake, the guy has never bought me anything, not even for my birthday, the most I got was a card. He is working now, he makes a fairly decent salary and he can afford to help me out once in a while. WHen I tell him about stuff I have to do monthly, he usually says nothing or asks me how come I am so broke. That really hurts. Many times, I am so broke I end up asking my mom to help me out. I cannot go on like this anymore, how can I live with someone like that for the rest of my life? Help. what should I do.

[Jayar]

He's taking advantage of you. He's sweet to you because he knows if he isn't he'll lose "the bank". But it certainly doesn't seem like he's in it for the right reasons. JMO.

[vandgsmom]

I don't know... maybe with all the help that you gave him before he got the impression that you are one of those "independent women" who get offended when a man thinks they need help. He may not know how to offer you help, or he may just think that you are usually so with it that maybe you are just griping about money troubles so he won't feel like he is the only one...

 

OR

 

he could just be a stingy, miserly, Scrooge McDuck type motherless son of a female dog... ya know?

 

Really, you know him better so you would be the only one able to tell...

 

Talk to him about it. Tell him it bothers you that when he was down, you were always there to offer help, however little. Ask him if he is in some kind of a bind you don't know about, because otherwise, you could really use a little support right now....

[now_better]

sounds kind of selfish and immature to me. i've been called cheap by all my close friends, but come on... just a card for your b-day? it's kind of sad. you definitely need to talk to him about this. i would say financial incompatibility is one of the leading causes of arguments (and eventually divorces) in marriages and better you have that talk right now than later down the road.

[7CardStud]

Have you ever told him how it made you feel that he never helps you with money or the fact that he never buys you anything? If you two are getting married... I'd for sure want to have a talk about this

[Batya33]

I don't have to tell you that this has nothing to do with how much money he has or doesn't have. I would talk to him- directly, without whining and if that doesn't work I'd ask if he's willing to go to counseling. If that fails you have to have a very direct talk with yourself where you decide whether you can accept this presuming it never changes. Whether I could or could not is irrelevant - it's up to you and what makes sense and feels right to you.

[Momene]

I have heard it said that when people have been really short of money and their situation gets better, they find it difficult to let go of being careful.

 

However, I think his behaviour is a red flag.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I'm in the talk to him about it camp.

 

Does he know how you feel? Have you asked for help?

[fantas_tique]

well thanks for all that great advice, I didnt expect to receive all that feedback so soon honestly. I am goin to try talkin to him about it, I guess I have not really sat and talked to him about it so he probably is not even aware that it is a problem. I still say that U don't need to ask a man for money for him to offer you somehting. I mean, we're together, we're intimate. He knows I have bills to pay, things to do, I am trying to go to school at the same time, you mean I have to sit and tell him I need this and that for him to offer? Guys are supposed to take care of their women. I hope I don't sound greedy, trust me I am so not fussy about things, it's just that when u're broke, and u realise that your being broke is maybe becuz u give away too much and u get nothing back, then thats when these thoughts cross my head. I really hope I can find the right words to tell him about this. thanks again everybody!

[Batya33]

Just to be clear, I would never expect a man to support me financially unless we were married and we had decided that I would stay home and raise our child/children. If we were not married I do not think it is his obligation to give me money - if I were broke I would try to get a loan before asking him for money. On the other hand, if he wants to pay for most of our dates/entertainment, etc I would be "ok" with that although when I am in a serious relationship I prefer to take turns treating such that while he might be paying more often, I am still contributing my share.

 

If those are your expectations then yes you should communicate those to him. He then has a right to ask you why you cannot support yourself financially - there may be a very good reason of course but he will have a right to an explanation. Just my opinion.

[candy604]

money can be a huge issue in a marriage ( lots of fights). careful!! he's too stingy and it's hard to live with men like that. ( there's a few stingy people in our family). My dad's very stingy so my family never travels except if it's treated. It's horrible. it's always save save save. My dad's dad is even worse.

 

My great grandma was so afraid of spending money she even saved used toliet paper and washed them ( mind you she's a millionare too).

 

Don't be taken advantage, life can be very hard with stingy people and it will cause a problem in a marriage ( unless you make the big dough and say what you want in the marriage). So why are u wanting to marry him then? LIFE WILL BE HARD if he doesnt' change his ways.

 

I'm shocked he never buys you anything, not even your bday and such? that's uncaring, i'd be so mad if I were you. A person can be nice, sweet but it's actions that speak louder than words.

[fantas_tique]

uum, to batya especially, i am not asking thaat he suports me all the way, taking care of me, buying me things, I specifically pointed out that we were engaged to be married, I work, I have a very good job, actually i make more than him. I'm sure everyone goes through financial stress sometimes when they cannot seem to make ends meet, I just figure in times like that, you should have a partner that can at least offer to pay an electric bill or something. Jeez, this guy has never bought me anything, not for christmas, birthday, valentine's day, ntohing. I mean seriously, would you stay with a man who has never given u anything, and you've constantly given to him, with love, with your heart becuz you love this guy. It is a pain for me especially when he comes oveer and he makes sure he eats, drinks, sleeps, is on my internet 24/7, cuz he cannot afford to get his own, all of that.

[SarahRose]

Have you ever asked him why he has never given you a gift for birthday, Christmas, etc.? I am curious as to what he would say.

[Batya33]

I see the lack of gift giving as very different from your expectation that he help you out with the bills. It would be different if he lived with you of course; if he is living with you in fact then yes ask him to split expenses with you but I do not think it is a boyfriend or fiancee's job to help you with your bills and I wouldn't consider it stingy if he doesn't. But that's just me.

[ImThatGirl]

Am I understanding this correctly?

 

Does he live with you? And he doesn't pay a cent towards bills?

[candy604]

yeah engaged but you still have time to figure this issue out. seems like your his mom or something. If I did all that stuff for my bf and he never thanked me with his actions ( i.e took me out for a nice dinner etc..), i'd rethink my relationship. You can't just take and not give back. Even a good friend who you help out would show their apprecation ( a card or taking you out). If he also didn't get me anything for my bday, xmas etc...i'd dump him if he doesn't change. I don't know how you put up with all that, your being used. Actions speak louder than words. It's not about money. You don't have to buy things for people. He could have made you something that cost hardly nothing ( i.e photo album with written stuff or cooked you dinner for ur bday etc..), but had alot of thought in it would show he cares for you.

 

You really should talk to him about it. You aren't his mom in taking care of him without showing appreciated ( not with just words).

[fantas_tique]

Well, to clear the air here, my point is that For the 2 years I've been with him, I never received any presents, anything from him, I wouldn't comment on that here if I knew it wasnt his fault or something. He is downright cheap, when we go out, I pay for stuff, he pretends he doesnt see the check coming, even leaves the area when it's time to pay, what do you call that?

[ImThatGirl]

I think it's very inconsiderate. I think that you need to call it to his attention and be sure he is not taking advantage of you. I think a relationship should be 50/50 - it should never be one-sided.

[candy604]

it's called being selfish. don't bring your wallet next time. Quit paying for stuff now b/c it's only saying to him " oh she can pay, i guess its okay for me to continue my behaviour since she will keep it doing it" Cheap or not it's crossing the boundary of using someone. It is his fault though for being cheap. He can change his behaviour but has to understand it. If he leaves the area and pretends not to see the bill, wait for him to come back and don't touch the bill. Your not his mom!

 

yeah 50/50 is good. it should be. Have you talked to him about his behavior? don't pay for anything more and don't give him stuff.