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How we view our ex's


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I was thinking a point by point itemization of our ex's might help some of us understand why we miss them and, obversely, why we can do without them. Such an exercise is in fact for those, I would think, can't stop thinking about their ex.

 

Respectively explain anything that you would like to explore. I would suggest remaining objective and to allow the healing to process naturally. You can express each point under any heading you would like as I will illustrate.

 

Vocationally: Being that we were thinking about spending the rest of our lives together, our respective careers came into question quite often. She was a profession craft designer which was a career I didn't vouch much respect for. I'm a writer and I wanted to go back to school. This made me upset... and respectfully, I didn't think it was a career choice that would have contributed to the overall income of a household. It did cause problems. To her credit, she did find a good job teaching kids through the environment through pupputeering. Hurt me that she didn't trust me enough to watch one of her shows... made me very sad.

 

Emotionally: She was unfortuneately quiet and distant. In hindsight, I was dismayed how I thought she was too quiet and rather boring. It also FELT like my ex was using my apparent sensitivity to will her way. And on so many occasions, she did threaten to break up with me and thought at any given moment I would break up with her. It was fortuneate that we did say "I love you" every time we say each other and parted for the night. That was always a good memory. I can now see why she might not have considered me a commited boyfriend though. However, her lack of independance, or seemingly so, did put me off somewhat. She never did consider moving out without me.

 

Famlial: The closeness to her family was a concern of mine, always saying that her family would have to be there, always, if we ever moved together. Admittedly, her family was close. However... there were signs of things that weren't necessary healthy in that house and home. It did bother me as well that she was never independent without her parents or someone else to depend on. And, from my point of view, she spent her whole life with her parents in addition to being homeschooled, her social skills proved to be a difficulty to deal with. It came to the point where we were running out of good places to hang out, from my point of view, because she feared people and crowds. I did like her family, however, until I began to realize her mother holds on to the past too much, in my opinion. However, I am allowed to make mistakes.

 

Physically: I thought I was a man that like bigger women. I was wrong. My responsibility however. Unfortuneately, the fact she didn't shower everday was a bit of a bother but I tolerated. I did want her to do something about her teeth, as they were crooked and rather unattractive to me (politely, of course and not in so many words). However, her face was beautiful. I will give that her. I should have done something sooner, however. Sexually... things were not moving in a direction I liked... As we slept together at her parents home... while her parents were downstairs. Apparently... that was the only place we were allowed to have sex. Again... my responsibility for not saying anything.

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Culturally: We're both have the same background. As I've gotten older I've decided that it would be best for me, to get someone from my own background. When I found her, it was like finding a needle in a haystack. Especially where I live. We had so much in common in that regards. For her, I was the first person from her background that she'd dated. I understood her and her people, and how important that is to her.

 

My own relationship history: Take my last three. The first girl was very similiar too me. We had the same background same upbringing, but there were things that I did she didn't like. Those things were very important to me, which is why I cut it off.

The next girl was a step closer. But she was drug user, didn't work, and had no ambition for doing anything in life. I dropped her quick.

The next one was not like me in anyway. She had two kids. She worked, had her priorities in order to a certain degree. But the amount of baggage she had going on my life, and the fact that she couldn't relate to me and the things I do... I had to drop her. I tried to bring her in, so she can get a feel for what I do, but she rejected that.

Finally I met my ex, and she was everything I wanted out of the last three relationships but didn't have.

 

Her Baggage: She had two kids. Different fathers. That didn't really bother me, because both her and I know that the upbringing of kids in our community is a community thing (the whole village to raise a child thing applies). Although I'd rather not date anybody with kids, I took it on a case-by-case situation, and felt that I could live with her and her kids.

 

She also had other issues she opened up to me about that bothered me, but I was willing to look past it- not holding it against her.

 

Vocationally: I was glad that she was going places. She was enlisting in the Army at the time I met her. I was already in the Navy as a reservist. At the time I met I was at a crossroads of pursuing a career in the military full-time, or pursuing my present civilian occupation someplace else. Bottom line is that I was moving too. Since I was more flexible than she, I was the one willing to pick up and leave. Because she was trying to support herself and her kids I didn't expect her to do the same for me.

 

Physically: No supermodel, but one of the most beautiful women I've dated.

 

Time: We only spent a month and half together before I left for training, and then she left for boot camp. We wrote constantly, and she called me when she could. We only spent three more days together when she graduated and had to report for extra training. Something inside me told me to talk with her, about our status, but I just wanted to enjoy our time together. Now its over.

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My own relationship issues: I was a recluse and I think that may have divided us. Granted, she was the only one of us that had any transportation between the two of us, but I was so insecure about asking HER to drive us everywhere. I felt she was the one that spearheaded the relationship and thereforeeee made all the plans. I let her dominate me and, to her, it must have appeared that I shut myself out when in actuality I though she was happy. Her insecurity, or seeming insecurity, made me feel daunted however. My low sex drive also didn't help things.

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Family: He was really close to his, and while he made it clear that I was number one in his life, I pushed myself away to "let him spend more time with his family," because I was feeling guilty about coming between them (I get along with my parents, but we're not close, so a family bond is hard for me to understand) I might have pushed myself away for good

 

School and work: We never had time to see each other, and I was always taking other people's shifts on my days off. He was really frustrated by that -- I don't blame him, I treated him like he was second to my job.

 

Physical: Both of us had low sex drives.. combined with limited opportunities to see each other, we didn't have much of a bonding experience in that respect.

 

Values: He values family over career. I didn't, but that changed due to an x-number of factors. He still thinks I don't because I was too scared to tell him otherwise, so that definitely ruined things. I know he'd be a great husband and dad though...

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Interactively: We didn't fight. I was afraid to fight with her out of fear of losing the relationship. Again, that was my responsibility. I wanted to be within a relationship so much that I forgot my own feelings. She, as far as I knew, hid her emotions, however. She didn't want to fight and gave me no impression that anything was wrong. She was also very distant and wouldn't tell me that she was angry. Face to face, emotionally anyway, we were wrong for each other.

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