my boyfriend attracts PSYCHOS!

[thoughts]

hey - things have gotten a LOT better for me and my relationship. my boyfriend is working again and he has done a 180. YEAH! the only thing that is going on now - is in his too much partying time, he met this girl - the just a friend girl - and he's recently told her that her calling and texting late night and what not is completely inappropriate. so, we figured, that was that. well, last night, while we were snuggling on the couch - she texts him... HEY! we exchange looks, he says, don't worry about it and hugs me tighter and we continue watching tv. just out of curiosity, about an hour later, i check to see if she has sent anything else - in front of him i do this - no big deal - well, she had!!! the text read:

 

i really need someone to talk to rite now!

 

first, i was annoyed because the word RIGHT has just one more letter and i can't stand when people text like that - my pet peeve. Again, he didn't bat an eye.

 

WHY IS THIS GIRL LOOKING FOR COMFORT FROM MY BOYFRIEND - he said he has no idea and that he wasn't even going to respond - fine - i have to let it go - but, WHAT THEY $%#!!!!!!

 

I am curious now. I even told him, maybe i should call her, maybe she has mental issues... I just held me tighter and told me to relax and that it's not our problem. sure. true. but EW!!

[Batya33]

It's up to him to block her texts. Stay out of it. How do you feel about the amount he parties?

[thoughts]

he's not partying too much anymore. i threw everything on the line and as i was one foot out the door he finally took responsibility for his own actions and begged me to stay. i am still looking for my own place - thinking about buying - he has til the end of September to prove to me that he is the man I fell in love with.

[Jayar]

She may not be psychotic. He may be leading her on when he's not around you. If I were you I'd just sit back, grab a bowl of popcorn, and watch this movie unfold...

 

If she keeps texting him, it's because he's responding to her in some way at some point. If he's honestly true to you he can and will make it stop.

[n83]

Why on earth did she get his phone number in the first place?? That seems pretty inappropriate to me

[babypink61]

I agree with n83 that it's kind of shady that the girl would have his number in the first place. I think I would get bothered if my bf goes out and meets female friends and exchange numbers with them. It's kind of disrepectful to the girlfriend if you ask me. And his reaction of "don't worry about it" just makes it seem even more shady. If I were you I'd sit down and talk to him about this.

[Royltnxile]

Your boyfriend "attracts psychos"?

 

Hmmmmm.....

 

Your boyfriend is attracted to you right?

Are you a psycho? LMAO

 

If I were you, I would be very suspicious of this other girl. Unless she is a friend of his prior to you and he entering into a relationship, then she is clearly after your guy and you should be concerned. Another post said it - he may be leading this other girl to believe that you and his relationship is something different than what it is, hence her calling him and texting him all the time...which, if he encouraged it, doesn't make her "psycho".

[thoughts]

he worked with her at his last job - he worked for a car rental company and one day a week, he was positioned at a new car dealer. so, he met her there. never heard about her when he worked there. then... about a month and a half ago, he mentioned he ran into an old "coworker" (told me about the situation) at this bar/night club he goes to on wednesday nights. he told me they exchanged phone numbers - he was looking for a job. i thought it weird, but let it go. every wednesday they would hang out (at the bar) and i felt it odd and actually called her, when he was sleeping and she text msg'd him at 4am!!! i asked her what the deal was - was she interested in my boyfriend? because she would always contact him - i see this from the phone bill which included text messaging. i told him i called her and she told him i called her. in fact, when she called him again, another night he was sleeping, i answered and said, "N...don't you think this is a little out of control now??" i spoke to him about it and it didn't seem to matter because she stopped going to the bar. this past wednesday, he ran into one of her friends who told him that the reason she stopped coming to the bar was because of me. LOL. he told the girl to tell N that he was sorry for my behavior and embarrassed, and to have N call, so he can let her know, they can be friends, but, she has to stop calling and texting SO MUCH!! he called her on saturday and explained this. he said, she was distraught and that she just probably wouldn't be in touch. so last night - her texting - was a shock to both of us - he said he was more about telling her to NOT TEXT at crazy hours. I made it abundantly clear that its cool if he has female friends - lord knows i have TONS of male friends and they all know i have and live with my boyfriend and they all respect that. apparently, this girl has got SOME issue. i mean - they have known eachother, for what? a second... and she reaches out to HIM for comfort. i can't help it - i have to think she is psycho.

 

i hear what you are saying about if she continues to call then he must be leading her on. he's a nice guy and frankly, when they met, he told me that they spoke about us and the crap we were going through - which i told my boyfriend was totally disrespectful. couple that with the late night correspondence... thus me having one foot out the door. he assures me that i can trust him and although he's acting sketchy before, he has NEVER cheated. he may not be as direct as i would like him to be about her behavior - maybe she does have some screws loose and he feels bad for her. he said he would take care of it - which he thought he did on saturday. i am kind of scared to bring it up again because i think by him calling her on saturday, THAT led her on. so - letting him deal with it without mentioning it again is the way i am going. if she does it again, i will ask him - but, i seriously feel that her reaching out to him is without provocation. i think she's got some issues.

 

think about it. he's with me EVERY night except wednesday night - he gets home around 2am. he hasn't spoken to her, unless he goes to a pay phone or uses someone elses phone - which is so unlikely, it's actually funny. she reaches out to him on HIS phone - he would use his phone to call and she KNOWS we live together.

but, lets say they have spoken or hung out and i don't know about it -

she would have to be either REALLY DUMB, REALLY BALLSY, or PSYCHO to write him that text last night - "I REALLY NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO RITE NOW"

i even looked at him and said, "imagine if 5 years from now, after we are married with kids, some chick comes and finds you and says, Hey J, this is your kid!" he just laughed - because believe me, the thought that he slept with this girl and now she was pregnant went through my mind.

[Batya33]

Why is he telling you when she texts and why are you looking at his phone? Sounds to me like there is no good reason for him to share that with you because it just will upset you and he can deal with it on his own if he truly wants it to stop.

[thoughts]

Why is he telling you when she texts and why are you looking at his phone? Sounds to me like there is no good reason for him to share that with you because it just will upset you and he can deal with it on his own if he truly wants it to stop.

 

 

UH - because it became an issue and things were not great for a while and now that things are better, we are OPEN AND HONEST about everything - SO, he told me he called her and will show me if she texts because that's what I need - because i felt betrayed. He said I shouldn't have, but because he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, he knows he needs to rebuild the trust - i think it's a good thing! as for me looking in his phone - the phone was right next to me and he told me to check it. as for knowing she has always contacted him first - i PAY the phone bill. so... i looked. i told him i did. i have nothing to hide from him and if he truly has nothing to hide from me...if it means rebuilding trust and that's what i need, then he'll do it.

 

And NO - they were not friends before us - we've been living together for over a year and half. they exchanged numbers because a) he thought they could be friends b) because she was going to help him find a job

 

again - i have male friends - he told her he has and lives with his girlfriend.

 

even if he is leading her on - i have spoken with her - she knows whats up - i still don't get WHY she would look to him for comfort or for, as she put it - someone to talk to???

 

i mean...doesn't she have friends - she must, because there is a group of girls that goes to this bar once a week. it really doesn't make sense - again - even if there is more to their friendship than i am aware of.

 

i would love someone to give me a plausible scenario...

[Batya33]

Thanks for sharing. We have different interpretations of open and honest. To me, open and honest does not mean "telling all" when it will unnecesarily hurt the other person. For example, I would not share with my boyfriend that someone flirted with me because he might worry even though there was nothing to worry about. Sometimes I find - not saying so in your case - that people label information as "open" and "honest" when their real motives are to make the other person jealous or feed their ego because they are insecure. In short, to me "open and honest' should be balanced with tact, empathy and thoughtfulness.

 

In my humble opinion, don't focus on these text messages or on any woman that contacts him. There seem to be deeper issues of trust here and of trying to repair trust. Focus on those because those are the issues that have to be resolved, not whether someone texts him. If a woman texted my boyfriend and I happened to see it I would assume that he was completely trustworthy and I would trust him to react appropriately and deal with it appropriately. You seem not to be so sure of this.

[thoughts]

SO - get home last night. we talk a little. her name comes up. he mentions that he called her to find out what was wrong. i ask, what? he said she was having trouble with her parents...ok - whatever. then he mentions...don't forget hon, i have plans tomorrow night at THAT bar. ok - i let it go.

 

later on, we had to go get him fitted for a tux for a wedding he's in. when the lady told us he had to pick the tux up on the 5th of October, I asked for his phone to put it in his schedules.

 

yeah - trust issues? ok - so, i saw there was a msg in his draft text msgs and i looked and sure enough, it was to her.

 

it read:

 

sorry. i was sleeping. whatever you need!

 

HUH?? sleeping - NO! laying on the couch with my arms around my girlfriend!

 

i lost it. we went back and forth. i asked him why he lied to her. and he gave excuse after excuse and finally said - i don't want to hurt her feelings! i asked, what about MY feelings? and he said, hon - i love you, you have nothing to worry about. you are starting to sound like my ex - UH, yeah, well, HON, you cheated on your ex, so MAYBE she had a right to sound like this.

 

he started getting angry and i told him that i insisted on meeting her - although, i don't know if i want to go to that stupid bar - totally NOT my scene! he kept telling me that wednesday is his 'guys night' and he didn't want me to come. finally, he said FINE, now i WANT you to meet her.

 

i don't really want to go. and i am SO hurt. and he says he just doesn't get why! meanwhile - things have NOT been good until recently. and now this is setting ME back - he says he is moving forward. he wants to be with me and when we were at the tux place, he even picked out the tux he wants to wear at OUR wedding.

 

i have NO IDEA what to do!!!!

 

i thought about calling her - but, who knows what he has told her! and then to top it off - i was late to work this morning because i had to drive HIM to his new job and the lady he was to meet was late!

 

i feel like a walking floor mat!

[Momene]

Perhaps she thinks because things were (are?) dodgy between you that she might have a chance.

[thoughts]

we LIVE together! we've lived together for over a year and a half!!

 

i told her that in my rant when i called her weeks ago.

 

 

you don't think he told her we broke up????

 

OMG - i can't breathe!

[Batya33]

Calm down and please don't call her. The only person you should be dealing with on this is your boyfriend. Trust is essential to a relationship so focus on repairing that between the two of you - she is irrelevant. Tell him very calmly that unless she is 100% aware that he has a serious girlfriend, accepts that and is willing to meet you, you will not be comfortable with the friendship.

[thoughts]

my friend just responded to my e-mail asking him to go with me...he wrote:

 

Well, unfortunately I have plans already tonight. But even if I didn't, that is a real awkward situation that I don't know if I really feel comfortable being in...

 

And I'm not so sure that you should go either. You're gonna make yourself even more jealous. I think no girl that you meet at a bar just "wants to be friends". Let's not BS each other here.

[Batya33]

I still think that's the wrong focus - focusing on the woman distracts you from the real issue - trust. This situation will recur and worsen unless you deal with him, not her. She is just a symbol of your insecurity and the general trust issues. I can think of examples where a married or otherwise committed man could meet a woman in a bar and just be platonic friends. You may win this one battle - he will stop talking to her - but it will do nothing to resolve the underlying issues.

[thoughts]

you are right! and i am focused on the wrong issues. and more so too much on him and what he is doing!

 

i need to figure out what i need and i want. i mean - why would i want a guy who would insist on a frienship if, for whatever reason, it makes me insecure!

 

it shouldn't and i will work on that, in me.

 

we have HUGE trust issues and i guess i need to first, trust myself enough to know that maybe walking away and figuring things out may be a good idea. if he cheats, then he does and i will be hurt and move on. but, if he truly loves me and is also using things to be a distraction from living then he wont and no girl he meets at a bar or at work or anywhere else will be able to come between us.

 

and...if he effs up - than i at age 31, i can still go out there and find mr. right.

 

i guess sometimes we are so gung ho on not wanting to lose what we are holding on to, that we forget what we are holding on to.

 

thanks for all your help!

[Batya33]

You're welcome. Consider whether it is fair for you to control who your boyfriend is platonic friends with - whether this boyfriend or another. You are entitled to expect that but my guess is there are more than a few men who would not want that level of control . .. .

[savannahohsavannah]

You sound really jealous! I can see that it would be annoying to have her texting/calls cut into your private time with him, but why not just turn the phone off when you are together? It's obvious that he likes you enough to be with you, and if he shoots off with another girl, you can't really change that one either. Your independence can keep him with you, your jealousy will likely drive him away.

 

Sorry, I know it's a bad situation for you, but if one of my guy friends' new girlfriends responded the way you have, to ME his old pal, I'd suggest he dump her PDQ!

 

Savannah

[Momene]

Another thought: he might not want to have sex or anything else from her but might like a bit of attention. I think many of us do at times.