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Feeling guilty for her - long


Acer
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This may be a bit long. Bear with me, please.

 

Two years ago, I was at in the bottom - never thought of suicide because of Christian education. Anyways, I was a problematic depressed kid. I had lost all of my friends, I was bullied at school and was to afraid to face it, I had problems at home (which I won't go into)... It was bad. The only thing I had were my awesome grades. And I blame no one more than me. Random girls I knew would pass by me and slap me for no reason. They insulted me whenever they had a chance. Gosh, how I hated the world at that time. It was a lonely and tough, tough year, the peak of a situation that had began in my 5th grade. I was a loser, a wimp, a emo kid drowning in self-comiseration - that's the me I see when I look at the past.

 

Anyways, a year later, I met a girl. Now, a curious thing. She came from a wealthy family with noble origins, she was beautiful and nice. Yet, she was like me. Insecure and afraid of the world. She got raised in a bubble her parents made; random people at school would join up to insult her; she had no true friends. She was as lonely as I was. Well, few months later, after a few events that don't really matter for this post, I and her started to talk a lot more and to hang out. When I opened my eyes, we were like bone and flesh... Like brothers. We understood each other in a perfect way. I felt loved for who I really was when everyone else hated me. And that by a beautiful, awesome girl. It was amazing.

 

Yet, due to her lack of confidence and such, she's weak. Although what we had was only a friendship (no hands together, no kisses), she put her life in my hands. Whatever I said to her was sacred. The problem was, I was weak myself at the time.

 

So, fast forward. A "friend" of her, put her in touch with a guy that was interested in her. The guy acted all nice, and gave her presents and such. He actually seemed a cool guy. But he was always jumping in when I was with her and so on. And she always said to me how he was weird, how she didn't like to be with him, how she preferred to be with me...

 

I said nothing in response to that things, and when I looked, bam, they were girlfriend and boyfriend. Yet, she kept saying to me how she preferred to be with me and didn't like him. She was this weak. She was expecting me to say what she had to do.

 

And I did. I said words that still make me wanna punch the wall. I said He is really a cool guy. Look, you have a boyfriend, and he really likes you, it's great! So... I think we shouldn't be together as often as we use to do. I was really, really happy for her, although I knew she didn't want that relationship.

 

After that day, I never had a chance to talk with her. Just a 'hi', 'how are you', 'bye'. And when I realized I had lost her totally for her, I got insane. That day, I was at her house, at her birthday party. I was left alone in the living room, completely alone in a room, listening people up-stairs laughing and giggling. I lost it. I say 'bye' to her, and left.

 

That day was my 'I had enough' point. I erased all my past of my mind and was decided to start all over again - my entire life. I crawled out of depression, I tried to handle tough stuff at home, I made an effort to face my fear of socializing. All of this, during a year. And I achieved a lot. I have good grades, I'm in a course I like, my home is peaceful for now, I have some friends and good acquaintances... I even got a beatiful nice girl to like me, and believe me, that was quite a feat, since I was your nerdy cliche guy!

 

So, I climbed very hard, and now I'm truly happy with my life - I couldn't be more happy. I dress well, everyone respects me, I have girls chasing me... I mean, after struggling, I got to heaven. I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but stil...

 

In this year where I trained myself, I tried to erase that girl out of my mind. And I did it successfully. But when I opened my eyes, I fell on my knees. She had lost all of her friends that she got when we were "together", her grades went down (she was as good as me), she is always angry and sad... And worst, her boyfriend, that "cool" guy, is an abusive * * * * *. He doesn't even allow her to talk to anyone that's a boy. What's worst, somebody told me he beats her. I don't think that's quite accurate, but I saw her back once and she was all scratched.

 

Then I looked at her. She wasn't the same girl. She is always angry (she was as nice as you could get), she controls her boyfriend the same way he does to her (although with less success)... She's an envious, arrogant girl that only "behaves" to him.

 

The persons who cared, talked to her - they got insults. Everyone leave her alone. So I decided to call her. Hiding my number, I managed to get her to pick up the phone and told her how sad I was because of her. And she agreed with me... I felt touched. She listened only to me. After a year, she still remembers our friendship and values it. She stil trusts me - but she denied being beated up.

 

On to the confusion that's in my head.

 

I really liked her. I didn't feel passion or anything with her. It was just a calm emotion of safeness and security. And that was best than being in love. I don't know if I looked to her as a sister or something more.

 

But this feeling of love is now hurt. After months of seeing her making out in public, acting jealous, arrogant, fighting with the boyfriend over trivial friends and - oh, the most awful things. I don't feel she is the same. I mean... She changed, but since our phone conversation, I'm pretty sure that for me she will be the same.

 

Now, I'm not that weak nerdy guy I was 2 years ago. I'm a happy strong willed guy, I have friends, I dress very well, I have girls that are into me (although I never even kissed anyone ). I went from the bottom to the top. I know that if I want to, I can get her out of her relationship. But since she is so weak, she will be all clingy on me. I will be the only person she will hold herself to.

 

One part of me says Move one and forget her! But I'll feel guilty if I do so.

 

The other says, go for it! But I'm too confused - the only way to pull her out of that relationship will be to make her my girlfriend (which would be easy, I believe). But I'm afraid of get in a relationship with her. I love her more deeply than I ever loved anyone else, but I'm not sure if it's more a brother love or a "guy love". And I don't want to mess with my past. I would rather meet new girls to get in a relationship. But her appeal is strong.

 

What do I do? Just forget her, move on and eat the guilty for a long time, or take her out of that situation, and be responsible for her? The guilty for allowing her to fall in that situation is so big that I know I have to take her out of it... I just don't really know how to not mess up myself in the process.

 

Thanks for reading, and sorry for the lenght. If the post is confusing in some way, just ask me to clarify it. =)

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It sounds like you really made a commitment to better yourself - for yourself - after the breakup. Good work, man. As someone who is making the same commitment, I'm proud of ya.

 

I would not even consider a relationship with her, personally. It sure sounds like she killed off the girl you fell in love with. That other person might still be inside somewhere, but she is the only one who can decide who she wants to be. You are a good example of being proactive and taking responsibility for who you are, maybe by being her friend you can try to teach her this, but I would not even try that until she decides to get away from the * * * she's dating.

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Thanks, Rain__man, for your words.

 

My problem is kinda silly, compared to other people problems, but it confuses me as hell.

 

As you said, she kinda killed the girl I loved, but the feeling is so strong that I have a Rational VS Emotional battle in my head. I'm divided but, yeah... I think that going as a friend and trying to help her out may be the best solution right now, although it'll probably confuse me even more in the long-term.

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