Rough situation - please help.

[Confused_987]

Hey everyone,

Ive been reading these fourms for the last couple weeks and have realized a lot of people are in the same situation as I am. Which makes me feel not alone

this is going to be really really long, ive held so much in for so long....

 

My situation goes like this:

 

Ive been dating a girl for around 4 years. I'm 23 and she is 22 At the beginning of the realsionship it was all about sex. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of two years and i had broken up with my girlfriend of two years. Needless to say, we were both rebounds.

Around 2 years ago she had to move out of her parents house due to her father being an abusive alcholholic. She ended up finding a roomate and moving out with her. Which was cool, she had her own place where we could hang out and she was away from her father. Around a year later, her roomate decided she couldnt handle living with my girlfriend anymore so she packed up and moved out. This left my girlfriend with no where to go. So i asked my parents if she could move in with us. My parents were reluctent at first but said if you're serouis about this girl then she can move in. Otherwise, no.

 

so eventually she moved into my parents house and we lived there together for a while before buying our own place and moving in...When she moved in with my parents her realsionship with my mom had been diminishing.

My mother can be a bit much. She is forign ,so a lot of things that she says do not translate well to english and end up sounding very offensive. Everyone i know loves my mother because shes kind, speaks her mind, and very funny. My girlfriend on the other hand, cant seem to stand her and thinks she is ignorant. My father has told me on a number of occasions to break up with my girlfriend. My parents and all my friends seem to tell me when i'm out without her i'm a much different person they say i'm much happier.

 

I ended up asking her to marry me everything was ok at that point.

 

We moved into our own place which we bought together.From the first month we have been fighting non-stop. We fight about anything and everything. Neither of us are willing to comprimise anymore and it feels like i'm at a dead end. We've been at it for about 7 months non-stop

 

As we started to talk about the wedding I realized that it might not work. I am greek and I come from a very large and tradional background. Certan thing need to be done in order for a greek wedding to take place. There needs to be a certain amount of people at the wedding so no one gets offended. Its all very stupid sometimes, but its still tradition and the way things work. She did not agree to any of my terms of the wedding so we ended up calling it off. We're still living together, even sleep sleeping in the same bed. Sex is no exsistent but not because of her. Its because i do not want to. She asks for sex on a regular basis and i keep shuting her down. Its killing her inside i know it but i dont mean to.

 

We no longer enjoy the same things anymore. I play basketball and she does not like coming to my games. All the other players girlfriends, wivies, and fiances are usually there but mine doesnt like going. Whenever we go out together with my friends she ends up being a damper on the evening. Even before the fighting had initally started. She had always been a damper on me evenings. I thought eventually it would get better but she feels all my friends are ignorant and rude and all my friends feel the same way about her.

 

So my friends and family all dislike her. I'm starting to feel really lonely. We have talked many times about breaking up. We have both stated if it wasnt for this house we would have broken up by now.

I feel very frustrated with her all the time and i dont know why. I dont like hanging out with her, i dont like affection, i dont even like talking to her anymore but for some reason i feel an obligation to protect her. I'm affraid of what would happen to her if we break up.

 

She has no where to go. She cannot go back home and she has no other friends that she is able to move in with. Also, she has no other friends that she would really be able to hang out with after i'm gone as well.

 

To make matters worse, i have recently been falling for other girls. I havent phsically cheated on her but i feel with all the emotion i'm putting into the other girl, i have cheated. For some reason, i feel like i'm getting old. I know 23 isnt that old but everyone around me seems to be getting married and engaged or starting to date new people.. I'm starting to feel behind. I feel like i want to take a big step back and just leave everything and go and discover myself.... I dont know i'm so confused...

 

I really hope this made sense. Even if no one responds to this i'm finally happy i was able to get this off my chest. Thanks to anyone who reads this..

 

God bless.

[DN]

I think you have to make some decisions. But first understand that nobody owes anyone their life and happiness so make those decisions with that in mind.

 

First: decide if you love her.

 

If you are sure you do not then you should break up with her. Do it in a way that minimises the problems that will cause. That may mean that you have to subsidise her first and last months rent or help her out in some other way financially.

 

If you decide you do love her enough to try to get the relationship on a better track; then make every effort to do so by negotiation and compromise. Try couple's counselling. If she will not go that route with you - then you may have to decide to give up and walk away from her.

 

It is for you to decide if you want her - do not let friends and family decide that. The mutual dislike is an issue but that may be something that can be sorted out.

 

The main thing is to decide what you want, if you can get what you want and how to go about getting it or giving it up with the least amount of recriminations and hardship to both of you.

[Confused_987]

Thank you DN,

 

I really appreciate the advise. Deep down i know what i have to do but i think i may be to much of a panzy to go through with it for whatever reason.

 

If we do end up breaking up she would be in a much better financial state then myself. I have offered to give her 60% of the equity we have incurred in the house and anything she wanted in regards to furniture and house hold items including my 42" lcd tv.

 

I think i might be a little scared of the whole process. The selling of the house, moving the furniture out, moving back into my parents house, and mostly what shes going to do and where shes going to go.

[need2bme]

You can always get a roomate to share with the house if one of you move out. That is provided the other will wait on the sale, in order to get the equity.

 

As far as a relationship goes, I don't know how well it would work out with her not liking your family. I do not like my ex's dad as I believe he turned out to be a user and he was always making her cry. I would stick up for her, but at the same time, criticize him and tell her what I thought she should do. Bad mix. It was not my place to do that. It was my place to just be there.

 

Also, I know I put a damper on times when we were together with family or friends. I can honestly say though, that she did nothing to bring me in and ALWAYS made me feel like an outsider. Is this happening with you guys?

 

In any case, it does not sound like marraige is a good idea at this point.

[Confused_987]

My family does speak greek a lot, espeically when they have company over which is most of the time. But whenever shes around i only speak in english.

 

I'm starting to get to a point where i dont feel comfertable with her around my family anymore.

[yvonne0033]

Confused _987--> i can understand your situation. You still care about her because deep down she is like an additional family member to you because of the many years you two have been spending together. However, you are no longer IN LOVE with her and YOU no longer have the passion for her. Why? because of conflicts and situations arise and loves kinda drifts away. Love is so hard to maintain and relationship definitely takes alot of work as well.-- and i think you two have reached this point which both of you don't wanna try to make this work and YOU especially, don't even wanna have sex with her, i can tell your heart is no long with her in terms of husband wife LOVE. you do care though.... also you dread of the whole break up process, everything seems so empty and everything seems so dreadful... and painful and need for adjusting.

So, i see where u r coming from.

My suggestion: --> break up with her and move on. WHY? because first of all, you don't wanna waste her time. She's got a whole life ahead of her. and since you two have walked until NOW, please let her go for good because she might still be able to find her own happiness. AND you TOO, have a great life ahead of you. =)............. why waste eachother's time..........

so much problems.. so many issues.. The very last thing, you gotta ask yourself is whether you are going to regret. SO, no regret, you tried and she is JUST NOT THE ONE !!! you will learn from it and make not the same mistake again.

 

ALL of the financial , money, tv, etc.. these are not important. its things we get over with easily...... its your heart, look inside, what do you have left for her? ... think through, and make your decision. because we should never regret on anything we do.

 

Hope everything works out =)