Why is this so hard to accept?

[enivel]

Why is it so hard to accept that my relationship has ended? All of the endless questions, regrets, and constant thinking about your former partner. When you break it down it really happens the same way almost every time, with every couple, and you think about all the breakups around you and know that the same thing happened to them, yet yours seems so unique and impossible to swallow.

 

-Two people meet each other, and there is was attraction

 

-The attraction developed into something more serious, trust and devotion built

 

-The relationship became comfortable, the two people become friends

 

-One person begins to move in another direction, either lured by someone or something else, or by something from their past

 

-The other person becomes more clingy after seeing their affection is not getting returned

 

-The relationship begins to deteriorate, then falls apart

 

-For the dumper, many times the memories seem distant at first; for the dumpee they seem to happening again, a painful reminder of exagerated happiness that promises a relief from the pain

 

-After the breakup, the dumper wants to stay friends and have someone around who they know has strong feelings for them; the dumpee still feels drawn to the dumper, like an addiction

 

I'm just getting so frustrated by not moving on from this... I make progress then do something stupid like fool around with her and get my hopes up again. Why can't I just fathom that this is one of the cycles of life, with a beginning and an end?

[Memorex12]

How long ago did the two of you breakup?

[Majoraslayer]

Well, the problem is right there; if the dumpee allows the dumper to hold onto them as a friend or otherwise, they get stuck in a permanent loop. The secret here is for the dumpee to push away the dumper and have the will power to keep it this way. As those here on eNotAlone say, the best way to do this is through maintaining No Contact (NC) with the dumpee or dumper, and this will break the loop. Without any kind of contact or plans of contact, the dumper cannot hold onto the dumpee as a "spare tire", and the dumpee doesn't have to worry about being drawn back in until he or she builds the personal strength to resist it.

[enivel]

How long ago did the two of you breakup?

 

Dated one year. Broke up six weeks ago... I did limited contact. Spent the night together (no sex, but fooling around) three nights ago. And in case any of you are wondering, getting your ex back, in terms of getting her to tell you again that she wants you, she misses you, she might be open to another chance, does NOT make you feel any better about the relationship or yourself. I'm now more sure than ever it is over, simply because after we had that night together, I know that both of us just more defensive/confused than before, both looking to find someone else to take our thoughts off of each other. Sleeping with your ex/ getting her back temporarily does not help you come to terms with any of the things I stated above.

 

If you want to feel good about yourself, improve yourself. I have felt great for the last month, losing twenty pounds at the gym, doing great at work, etc. When I saw her the other night she complimented me about how I am doing, I could tell she had regrets about leaving me... it simply will not make you feel better. You need to do these things for yourself and not to impress someone else. If anything I feel worse after having "conquered" getting dumped.

[uncomfortably numb]

Hey man,I feel your pain.I wish I knew the answers to these very questions I have asked.

Why is it so hard to love someone?Why can't she see it?

I've been jerked around so much I'm dizzy.My heart is heavy with hurt,and I'm a mess in my mind.Still I come back for more from her.

Like above poster said,we got to cut off contact.

That'll be hard too.

Good luck to you.

[enivel]

Hey man,I feel your pain.I wish I knew the answers to these very questions I have asked.

Why is it so hard to love someone?Why can't she see it?

I've been jerked around so much I'm dizzy.My heart is heavy with hurt,and I'm a mess in my mind.Still I come back for more from her.

Like above poster said,we got to cut off contact.

That'll be hard too.

Good luck to you.

 

I appreciate your words. You might want to read my post right before yours. It is so hard to accept a break up, but it is a break up. It is because something is "broken" and not returning to its full form again. The best analogy I can think of is a star athlete who tears his ACL and rehabs his knee. He just will never be the same; he has to work twice as hard to regain his strength, and it is never the same. He will never be as confident when he runs again... and the sad reality is that once the knee has been destroyed and rebuilt, it is probably going to be destroyed again as soon as the slightest pressure hits it.

 

If anyone out there wants their ex back, please take it from me. She told me all the things I thought I wanted to hear... that she missed me, that she loves me, that she regrets her decison, that she now realizes how important I am to her.... I thought I wanted to hear all those things, but it just makes it worse. Do NC... listen to the wisdom on this board... the only way to better yourself is to better yourself.

[Fallback guy]

Enivel that's hittin it right on the bullseye for me(minus fooling around) and i keep breaking NC..it's just so fuggin hard to do but im trying.

[Majoraslayer]

I took my ex back last year after she left me for another guy. That was a HUGE mistake; even knowing later on just exactly how much I suffered from that, she made me relive my worst nightmare exactly one year later (last month). It should have been clear she didn't love me seeing as how she did it to me last year, but I still loved her and was a big enough idiot to give her a second chance. At the time I was even upholding NC until she forced me to break it by emailing me to tell me she thought she might be preggers. I unblocked her on messenger, and sure enough within a week she was telling me how she still loved me (while with this other guy mind you). Now, if she could do this behind HIS back I also know she doesn't really love him either. All these things she can do with a smile on her face, so it is my opinion that she doesn't really love anyone; her own interests are the only ones that matter to her, and she could care less who it hurts on her way to obtaining what she wants. Every word out of her mouth is a lie, and she is so selfish that she even wants to pit me and this guy against each other (reference my recent near encounter where the two of them came into the store where I work).

 

I hate her, and I know the only way I can ever be happy is to have her out of my life permanently. So, I guess NC for me is a little bit easier than for everyone else considering I hate her so much that the very mention of her name makes me want to punch something.

[tobetterdays]

I cannot imagine trying to get over an ex without NC.

It really is the only way to go it you truly want to get over her/him.

Any other way is detrimental to healing. NC, removing triggers, keeping busy, taking care of yourself, working out, music = fast track to healing.

 

any contact, friendship, emails, calls with the ex will only confuse you and set you back. its not easy, but i really feel it is the only way.. its been almost 2 months post breakup for me, almost 1 month NC and i have made some good progress since NC. it gets easier with each passing week, as long as you are doing the things i mentioned above..KEEP BUSY.

[tobetterdays]

and to add, the longer you go with NC, the more reinforcement you have to keep it going. it is like any addiction... you are more reluctant to cave after a long time without that substance than you are right when you start. you do not want to throw away painstaking success. the hardest part is the beginning weeks..

[hllywood44]

I feel for you enivel. I am at 3 weeks of NC today from a chick who dumped me totally out of the blue. We had awesome chemistry and talked about how crazy it was that we met. I'm still thinking about her and waking up with her on my mind. But what keeps me from calling her is the knowledge that there's nothing I can do to get her back and by calling her I'll only feed her image of me being needy and pressuring her to open up to me. FYI - Her excuse of why she broke up with me was because she still hasn't healed from a guy who cheated on her eight months ago. I gave her everything. Stopped talking to other girls. Treated her like a queen. And assured her that I would never cheat on her. It wasn't enough. Sometimes we don't know why they break up with us and most of the time they just make up excuses because the feeling for them has faded and they would rather run away and jump to something else than try to dig in and fix it. So all you're left to do is dig in and fix yourself. Be good to yourself. Take it a day at a time and know that you deserve someone who knows just how f-ing awesome you are.

[joyce1412]

i'm like you...it never ceases to amaze me how two people can be so in love and then, one day, one person wants the other gone. a cruel joke in life. and you're right...to me, the memories are still so fresh, the attraction never died, and a part of me still wants to believe in him (while the rest of me is forcing myself not to believe in him).

 

and you're right, you always feel your breakup is different, that your ex is going to come back because you--YOU--are too special for him not to come back.

[RRISALEE]

Hey I so feel you pain. And I loved how you broke down the relationship. And it is sooo true. I am hurting and i am so trying to be hard about it. But love sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is better to never love than to have loved and lost.

[LONESOUL]

I ask myself that too, all the time. I go through the whole conversation with myself twenty times a day. How can twp people who go from being each others everything everyday (good or bad...) To nothing. NOTHING. But the thing is, it helps, it really does, because right now I am not strong enough to

be around my ex~it's too painful and our realtionship is over.

Being around, talking to, seeing photos of my ex really does nothing but

dredge up really painful stuff right now. Cannot do it to myself. I have been hurt enough. Someone HAS to protect me~hey I know, I WILL.

I don't know the answer as to how or why people act and do as they do,

I don't know if anyone does. But I know this much, I have been in nc for 20 days and it does help me. This is a heck of a thing, I know, we have to believe it gets better.

[hllywood44]

Hey I so feel you pain. And I loved how you broke down the relationship. And it is sooo true. I am hurting and i am so trying to be hard about it. But love sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is better to never love than to have loved and lost.

 

I'm hurting, I feel deceived, and basically all my worst nightmares have come to fruition, but there's nothing better than being in love. I know you're feeling that you wish you never met that person and being in love sucks, but think back to the best time you had with that person and realize that you can have that with someone else and it will be even better because, and bare with me because this may seem a little wacko, but there's people out there who actually will love you back. Plenty of them. Learn from this, heal, and go grab someone else because when you really think about it, love is THE reason for living, for getting out of bed in the morning, for working harder, for pursuing your goals, for everything. Start by loving yourself and you'll see how others will be attracted to that and love you for it. I think that's how most of these break ups happen. One person gets too far ahead of the other person, gets insecure, stops loving themselves, the other person sees this, begins to lose respect for you because you're buckling at every corner and you've lost that confidence and spark they first fell in love with. So again, love yourself right now. Build on that and never give that up again and you'll see how your relationships will change.

[alaskagrrl]

I don't think the fleeting happiness that came with being in love was worth the pain at all. Without coming accross as bitter, I know that for myself I do not want to fall in love again. No one is ever going to have a hold on me like that again.

 

I wish I had learned of "NC" a long time ago. It would've saved me YEARS of suffering at the hands of my heartbreaker. I am far from niave, but I really believed in love.

 

All we can say is that we gave it our best efforts and now know we have the ability to give ourselves to another person. It's up to us as individuals to decide whether or not we will do that again.

 

I for one will not.

[ataurusguy]

I aggree with tobetter days. You MUST FORCE a situation of no contact with this person, and that will hurt in proportion to how much you loved your ex. Pain=Growth. I am starting to learn that myself.