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I am hanging by a thread.


drum4god
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I put this in the getting back together thread because I am got back with my girl in March after 9 weeks of strict NC. We had our ups and downs since then, and now I am completely thrown. She told me last week, that when I make a particular facial expression it turns her off. I would love to explain it, but it guess it comes off like a sarcastic "yeah right, who you fooling" She has shown what I look like and it does look strange. Here is the thing. I don't realize I am doing it. So, I don't know how to stop it.

 

Last night we had a great night with friends, when I was dropping her off home, we began to kiss. I noticed she backed off, and then I asked her. If I made that expression, and she said I did. I asked her, if this is the main thing from her totally giving me her heart, and she said yet.

 

This is crazy. How do I stop a facial expression. I told her that I believe its something deeper, and she said she doesn't know. I then told her tell me what the deal is. I got a little upset, and said you liked me, you dumped me, you wanted me back, you fell in love, you then told me you weren't in love with me, then you wrote me a note that you loved me, and now you don't know what you want. She said she doesn't know. This is crazy.

 

I wasn't emotional. I asked her to be totally honest with me. I said don't worry about hurting me I am strong and will be O.K. If you don't love me, let me go. I can't deal with this. Then she tells me. She likes when I am serious and assertive (I am usually outgoing and funny). I told her I am serious when I have to be, and assertive when I have to be. I am me, and that is the deal. If you can't deal with it, let me go.

 

Because we are devout Christians we haven't slept together, and I asked her if she can see herself sleeping with me. She gave me an real affirmative "yes".

She just said, when I make that facial expression it kills everything for her.

 

Is this crazy. I don't know what is going on. I am so in love with women it kills me, but how much can someone take. We seem to be compatible in many ways, her family loves me, we have a lot of fun, and to think she is going to throw this away because of facial expression drives me nuts.

 

The thing is, I never put pressure on her to stay with me. I gave her an out many times. I haven't begged her to stay with me. I haven't forced her to love me. For the most part I have been cool. I don't understand what the hell she wants from me.

 

She does strange things I don't understand. She tells me last night, that I looked real good Wednesday. O.K. Why are you telling me this now. Is she trying to tell me she only loves me when I look hot. I don't know. Its strange.

 

I am going to meet her tonight, and to be honest. I don't know what to say, how to act. I usually am outgoing, funny, and cool. I always make her laugh, but I don't feel that way tonight. I want to know where I stand. That is all.

I can handle anything when I know where I stand, but this girl doesn't know.

 

She is teasing me and seems to give me just enough to keep me around, and then keeps me panting. It is not cool. I don't think she is doing it on purpose, but why do chicks do this stuff? It drives me mad.

 

I can't believe a woman that loves a man does stuff like this. I just can't.

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Well tonight when you meet her act like you usually do.All i can tell you is that if she cant love you for the way you look and act maybe she's not the one.You love people for who they are not what you can turn them into.Not all chicks do this.Just the picky ones.

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I'd love to find a man like you...where are they?

 

I think she loves being with you. Don't worry about where you stand. Seems like I am always the one doing that too. So I kinda know what it's like to be in your shoes.

 

Don't worry or overanalyze this too much. You can drive yourself INSANE.

 

You always make her laugh...trust me that's a good thing.

 

Go out with her and enjoy yourself. Don't stress too much. Reassure her that your facial expression does not signal disapproval.

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Now this isn't meant to make you feel bad, but I think that it sounds like she has some attraction problem for you and is trying to get past it. That doesn't mean that you are not attractive though, but something maybe just isn't clicking between you two. As someone else suggested it may be that something about you reminds her of something or someone she doesn't like. I don't think it bodes well for your future together.

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It seems to me this is something you are not going to be able to change and if it is a barrier between you then you would be better to end this now rather than let it drag on. She seems to have played with your heart one way or another for some time and this may be her way of giving herself an 'out' and placing the blame on you for something you can't change.

 

Bearing in mind her past behaviour I think you should disengage from her as hard as that will be for you. Unless she can get past it - and that seems unlikely.

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My mother was with my father for a long time. They divorced after 22 years of marriage. She once told me that she was never once in love with my father though she did try. She didn't like they way he ate. She didn't like the way he breathed. She didn't like the way his arms moved when he walked.. I remember her complaining to him all the time.

 

Like you, my father couldn't change who he was. He is a good man and did nothing wrong in their marriage. (of course he's not perfect but you get my drift)

 

I have to agree with DN and imateddybearfeelmecuddle. Even though there is no concrete reason for her not to like you something intangible isn't sitting right between the two of you. Call it attraction. Call it a spark. I don't really know what to call it myself.

 

I was once with an AMAZING guy. He was PERFECT. Smart, funny, responsible... He was even very attractive, very physically fit.. I could list his good qualities easily and still can. But I felt very much like your girlfriend. (I didn't like the way his upper lip moved when he talked!) And I tried staying with him because I wanted it to work because he was too good for it not to be able to work, right? It just.. Even though I did love him it just wasn't working. I broke his heart too and I felt terrible. We're friends now though, he's the only ex I've ever had a true friendship with afterwards and you know what? His girlfriend now loves him to itty bitty pieces, they are so cute together and though she doesn't know it just yet he has plans to marry her..

 

I really think you would be better off, like DN said, leaving the relationship. It will be hard, it always is.. But by staying I feel you are only cheating yourself. I think a part of you knows that otherwise you wouldn't be giving her so many oppertunities to end things on her own. I agree with you, she isn't doing it on purpose, but having been there myself I know it is very VERY hard to end a good relationship that just isn't right for either one of you.

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Take the advise of everyone else. Its better now then later. You dont want to deny that this could be potentially disastrous. You can always sit down and have a good talk to her about it. If its an immaturity thing, maybe with time she will grow to love that about you. But if she really means it, and it is killing the chemistry she has for you, then take a step back and look at the situation before you get hurt later on.

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I would be more than fed up with this situation. She uses a facial expression to blame her "feelings" on?? Give me a break. So ...I guess it's fair for you to say the way she walks or talks just doesn't "get it up" for you

 

Good grief....

 

She's blaming something you have NO control over and cannot POSSIBLY change on HER feelings. Maybe SHE needs to figure out why SHE has an issue because I think your facial expression has NO bearing on the real reason here.

 

I would walk.

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Thanks for the replies, but I had a heart to heart with her on Saturday. I was stern with her and told her what is the deal. Either you want me or you don't. I am not going to hang around. I told her I feel like you tease me. You give me just enough to hang around, then push me away to get me panting. I told her I am not dealing with it anymore. I asked her to be totally honest with me. I told her I can handle it.

 

We talked quite a bit, and believe it or not it came down to her feeling sexually repressed. I know this sounds strange. But I am devout Christian and am doing everything to not have sex before marriage. I am 37 years old, and was basically a * * * * * before I was a Christian. Sex always confused things in relationships and I vowed that I will hold out until I'm marriage. I beileve holding out honors God, but that is another story another discussion, and its probably sound crazy to many of you here.

 

Anyway. She is a new Christian and always told me she believe she wanted to hold out before marriage also, so I thought. There was a time she was tickling me in a way that was getting me hot. I told her we will have plenty of time for that later. I didn't realize the effect of me saying that on her. She said that made her feel uncomfortable to do anything physical with me, even kissing. I was blown away.

 

She told me this is the first relationship she had where she didn't sleep with the person. She told me sex makes the relationship comfortable. I asked her would it feel better if you slept with me, and she said it probably would, but she doesn't want to go there. I told her trust me, it won't make it better it will just confuse things. I asked her if she was worried about sexual compatibility. She said not really. Based on the way we kissed she thinks It will be good. I told her, trust me I will blow your mind, but I really want to wait.

 

She told me she felt very vulerable sharing this with me. I guess being a Christian she feels it isn't right. I told her, I totally understood, and don't look at your differently. How can I, I was a male * * * * before. I told her I never judged you, and I never will. I just wanted to wait to honor God, and because I love you. You are worth the wait. She was touched by that.

 

So its all good now. I know holding out for marriage for sex probably doesn't make sense to many her, but Its something I am trying hard to stand by. I have been burned too many times, and I believe it honors God. I believe because of it God will bless our marriage (it and when it comes to that).

 

Thanks anyway for your advice.

 

I will keep you posted.

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