sad :(

[gradle]

i'm not sure what to say or do...

i've been dating this guy for about 6 weeks....adn for a long time he was the one that seemed to want to be really serious.....my friends from home knew him and asked me to be cautious...but i guess i was stupid. i fell for him anyways...he moved here recently...and now that his other friends have moved here he's been acting differently, usually he's still great...but, tonight was different.

i went out with my frinds and told him he could come. he texted me randomly and said he was going to a party. usually he'd say where but didn't this time...i finally asked him, he didn't textg me back at all. taht was about 3 or 4 hours ago.

i'm not sure what to do. i told myself i woudln't get upset when this happened. i'm not sure what tod o. he sitll has all of hsi stuff at my place. do i jsut leave it outside and be like,comeand get it? do i wait for some sort of lame excuse? i PROMISED myself i would not get hurt again and here i am. hurt. i textged him randomly once again and called him, and he definitely clicked the ignore button on his cell phone.

i'm furious. and sad. and it makes me miss my ex that much more when someone treats me like that.

what do i do?

[Hope75]

Hey Gradle!

 

Aww hon, I'm sorry that you are hurting.

 

I read your post and I thought- maybe he was just talking with some friends at the party and thought it rude to break out his cell and text you.

 

What did your friends "warn" you about, exactly?

 

I am kinda for giving him the benefit of the doubt until you get a chance to talk to him.... 6 weeks is not a terribly long time, and I don't think it was "wrong" of him not to respond to your texts if he knew you were out with your friends and you knew he was at a party with his. You say they just recently moved to town, maybe he is just catching up and spending some quality time with them- and doesn't want to feel pressed to talk with you on the one night he has with them and not you. He may have even been annoyed that you texted twice and called...

 

I guess this all depends on what your friends warned you about and had to say about him.

[gradle]

i know normally this would be a little over reacting, but it's almost like for the past few weeks we've been living together. i had to make him get a hotel wiht his friend for the next few nights b/c my mom was coming in town adn wanted to stay with me. but other than that, we've been inseparable.

and i agree, 6 weeks is nothing, but no one has ever just not returned my calls. he just moved here not long ago, and doesn't really know anyone, so i received all these messages from him that was morelike, he couldn't figure out if he wanted to see me tonight. i guess there was a party tonight that he wanted to go to. so when i asked him who's party it was, he never answered me back. i waited several hours and texted him, i guess you're really busy?, still no answer, adn then i tried calling him, around 130 am and he clicked ignore mid ring...i just have a funny feeling that something is going on. i don't think ik've ever been treated like that before. and i have all of this stuff from him and his roommate at my place (they're moving into their place next week). they have one of my keys and now i feel like i need to change the lock, but at the same time he's a master lock picker...

i just don't get it. for so long he was pursuing me until i finally let him kiss me and then we slept together (he was my first in over a year, i was waiting for someone i really cared about). and now i just feel like a fool.

my friends warned me that he's been known to cheat on his girlfriends, but usually it's when he's out of the country and it's long distance (not that it's ok). i just have a funny feeling, you know? they also warn me that when he's with this guy, they're trouble.

[gradle]

and regardless....even if he didn't text me back right away, an hour or two later would have been better htan nothing at all

[NJRon]

Ok... so you were dating 3 weeks and then moved in together and have been living together for 3 weeks. Is this a "living together couple" arrangement or a "roommate" arrangement? Maybe I misread this... are you just saying that you spend so much time together ove rthe last three weeks that it's like you're living together?

[Ms. Babydoll]

Hes not respecting you. I think when you see him next you should end things, a man should never ignore their partner just because hes in a bit of a state over nothing too serious. What is with the whole idea of telling you hes going to a party but then not telling you where or with who etc etc, he knows just by telling you that (and no other details) will leave you waiting for him and making you anxious. I really think that if hes going to treat you that way you shouldn't be with him.

[gradle]

no no, sorry, i'm unclear. we're not really living together. he needed a place to stay for a few nights until his new apt was ready. i let him an dhis roommate crash at my place. but before that he was over here all the time, we were practically living together. so all of a sudden he does this?

i agree. he's being really disrespectful. my friends tell me to wait until i talk to him and see what's going on. but there's nothing that should have kept him from contacting me somehow...if not his phone, his roommates?

i feel stupid and used....and even worse b/c my mother is in town and i just told her i was seeing this guy. now i feel stupid

[NJRon]

Well, don't feel stupid. I mean... it's not your fault...

 

I'm not excusing his actions at all. I don't understand why he wouldn't text you back, although I have been in situations which, due to noise, I didn't realize I had received a text or a call until I actually checked my phone... which could be hours. If he actually ignored your call though, well, that's a bit rude. He should have at least texted you back to give you some sort of feedback.

 

You definitely need to confront him on this in a calm and controlled manner. Don't act like you have been obsessing over it. Don't act like you are smothering. Just tell him how you feel. It was rude and inconsiderate. Give him a little chance to see if he apologizes and explains...

[gradle]

you're right. i know i need to stay calm about it, and that's hard for me to do, b/c on top of everything i have not slept b/c i'm sleeping on the futon while my mom's in my bed, and for some reason my friends have been callin gme all night, and i'm mad at C (the boy).

and on top of THAT. he just texted me to ask me what i was doing today b/c he's going apartment hunting and wanted to see if i were interested.

i'm not responding. i'm tired. and that should not be the first thing he texted me all day. i'll respond when he gives me a damn good reason for being so inconsiderate.

guys are infuriating. you think he just doesn't realize what he did was rude? he thinks i'm just going to jump at the chance to spend every minute with him?

[NJRon]

Well.. instead of playing his game... the "I'm going to ignore him/her game." Just tell him the truth. You are tired and don't feel like going apartment hunting. Then, go about your day. Let it go and see if he comes around... if he doesn't, then confront him.

 

I feel that this may be affecting you more strongly because you are bringing the past into the situation here. He was out with friends, your mom is staying at your place.. perhaps he actually doesn't see anything wrong here. You can set him straight when you are in a better frame of mind.

[DN]

gradle, I think you are over-reacting and not responding to him is not going to make things easier. You don't know why he didn't respond to your text and there could be a good reason. You don't have a good reason not to respond to his.

 

And I have no idea what you mean by 'that should not be the first thing he texted me'. That sounds suspiciously like a gradle that we talked about the last time we were talking and that you were not very happy with.

 

This time last year you were hurting badly. Try not to let that influence this relationship or you could end up hurting again for the opposite reasons.

[annie24]

Hi gradle! I was wondering how you were doing last night and was going to send you an e-mail today, but here you are! I wish it was under better circumstances though.

 

but the situation isn't horrible. I don't know - I am kind of split. Part of me wants to say to just see how things unfold. however, i have let things like that slide (unreturned text messages, no return to a happy new year's text message) and in hindsight, they were not good signs. maybe if I had been more stringent at the beginning of some relationships, I wouldn't have been hurt later on.

 

but then again, like hope said, he maybe just got caught up with his friends, and you were with yours, and there wasn't anything urgent he needed to tell you.

 

i don't typically respond to text messages right away my self. not unless it's something urgent. but NJron has a good point - why not just tell him that you like it when someone texts messages you back and doesn't leave you hanging? don't be accusatory, just tell him how you feel.

 

anyways - the deeper issue is that 6 weeks is such a short time, and you practically living together. that's going kind of fast, IMO. if you two weren't "living together", maybe this absent text message wouldn't be such a big deal. or maybe it would...

 

when he gets his own place, do you think you'll see each other a little less, like 1-3 times a week? it might be good to slow down the relationship.

 

hang in there! you will be ok! (((HUGS)))

[gradle]

awww, i miss all of you guys! thanks so much for being here when i need you!

i texted him what njron said, about how i was tired and didn't feel like apartment hunting.

he texted me back 5 mins later and jsut wanted to know what i was doing later. i haven't gotten back to him.

i know it's moving really fast. and at first i was against it, or rather holding back...

i like him a lot. and he's the only guy i've found in a long time that i just love spending tons of time with, usually i'm sick of a guy and can't wait to be left alone....but that also made me so vulnerable.

 

it doesn't help taht he's one of the most attentive boys since J. he literally usually texts me every 5-10 mins if we're not together or on the phone or at work. i won't lie, at first it was SO stifling...but it grew on me. which was why last night was so frustrating. it was out of character. i guess he's needy, and deep down i was needy too, and he brought it right back out of me?

 

and i loved having him stay here...it's his roommate that gets on my nerves, he's really immature and spoiled. he doesn't hve a job and his parents just give him 1200 a month as an allowance. and he's put me in some uncomfortable situations. plus, i think he's literally in love with C. once my mom leaves, i don't think i want his roommate staying here anymore, but i hate to just put him on the street, you know? it doesn't help taht C is a little naiive/immature....but then again, i'm naiive about certain things too...

 

and i have to be pessimistic about this relationship b/c it's the only way i can keep from getting hurt. jsut knowing about his past...is it true? once a cheater, always a cheater? it's been true in my past...

but i guess my pessimism didn't help me last night, huh?

[annie24]

is that what he did? cheat on his gf?

 

what exactly happened? i'm just saying, it's possible you don't know the entire story. and maybe he has changed.

[gradle]

yeah, he went to school in another country, dated a girl there for 3.5 years, but when he would come home for the summers/holidays, he had a nother girl at home...he's from my home town, so a lot of my friends from home knew him...

C was very honest about his past when he met me, he sat odwn and told me everything, i mean too much...he seemed to think that it wasn't so much cheating as it was more of a polygamy type deal. but he never told the girl at school he was seeing anyone else, even though the girl at home knew about the girl at school.

ok, so i took ALL of your advice

and i texted him back very straightforwardly, i don't like to be left hanging, i don't do that to you, please don't do that to me.

that's not rude or too accusatory is it?

ok, he'll text me back in a minute

[annie24]

well... hm. I think we meant talk to him about it, not text him.

 

the thing is, sometimes, genuine things come up where you just can't text someone. I don't text people when I am out with others, because I think it's rude. I went on vacation with a friend, and she spent THE ENTIRE TIME texting her long distance boyfriend. literally - she would not put down the phone. It was so rude, especially since I had traveled 2000 miles to see her. She did some other stuff too. We are no longer friends.

 

or sometimes, batteries run out, or there is no reception. some of the labs I work in, I get no reception, so I am cut off from contacting people.

 

just saying... give him a break. there are sometimes genuine reasons why a person can't get back to you. and he shouldn't have to get back to you always right away.

[NJRon]

1. Don't get into a text war. Talk.

 

2. The fact that he did what he did in his last relationship concerns me. It shows me that he can do bad things and not feel guilty about it. It was not a polyamory type thing if one of the people involved didn't know. That is called cheating... it's an affair.

 

3. The incredibly rapid pace of this relationship seems against your normal style too, from what you say.

 

All in all, I think you need to get a little distance here. Not in an overt "I want to spend some time apart" way... but slow it down a bit, like annie says.

[gradle]

thanks guys...

i know you're right...it does need to slow down. hopefully now that he has more friends here, he'll be able to branch out more and won't need to spend so much time with me.

well, he didn't text me back, he called. and he just explained that he had said he wouldn't be able to meet me and that he was frustrated with the people at the party and they got back home at 12 and he turned off his phone. although i'm sure when i called him it rang, and i thought if you're phone was off, it wouldn't even ring...i don't know

i was a little bratty, he kept wanting to see me today, but my mom's in town, he wants to see me when she's busy and can just hang out iwht me, but what is she going to be busy with? me, obviously...

and annie, i totally agree. i hated that i was constantly texting, i felt like it was sooo rude to my friends.and even last night i felt like i was being rude, b/c i kept expecting a text so i kept pulling out my phone to check to see if there was one. which probably made people think i wasn't all there. and they'd be right.

i guess what bugs me a lot, was that his roommate totally put me on the spot at dinner the other night. he asked if i called C my boyfriend. C has mentioned he wants to be exclusive,b ut we didn't discuss boyfriend/girlfriends. and i've never discussed it, usually it just happens, they just call me their girlfriend when they're introducing me to someone. when B asked me that i didn't know how to respond. i said no, and C looked at me like he was mad/shocked. and i said, well do you call me your girlfriend? and he said no. and i said, well, until you do, i'm not calling you my boyfriend.

so i probably shouldn't have said anything. i probably should have been like, why don't you ask C? or why, would you be jealous if he were my boyfriend?

i don't like to have that talk, i just like things to be....

but since then, C acted a little funny, but it seemed like things were gettng back to normal until last night.

i'm so sorry that i freak out like this. i'm so sorry.

[NJRon]

You have been spending a *lot* of time with this guy over the last 6 weeks and you have not clarified your relationshionship. You haven't been explicit about what the status is.

 

He has a history of deceit and cheating.

 

When you basically gave him the green light to not be exclusive, he gets distant, goes to a party, doesn't repsond to you when you text/call.

 

You then withdraw.

 

He gets antsy and wants even more to hang out with you even though you have a very valid reason for *not* doing so.

 

I don't know if I am just a cynic, or if there seems to be something here...

[gradle]

but we are exclusive, why do i have define it?

i just don't want to put pressure on him, and i guess i still get worried aboujt things... like i've really enjoyed a lot of my single life.. and how do i know how C will act when he does have all his friends move out here (one more is coming in today). so i've been trying to keep my distance until this happens so i don't get hurt if i get treated badly.

i guess it's not working...

[NJRon]

he asked if i called C my boyfriend. C has mentioned he wants to be exclusive,but we didn't discuss boyfriend/girlfriends. and i've never discussed it, usually it just happens, they just call me their girlfriend when they're introducing me to someone. when B asked me that i didn't know how to respond. i said no, and C looked at me like he was mad/shocked. and i said, well do you call me your girlfriend? and he said no.

 

I may be missing something. You say that *both* of you are exclusive. You mention that he wants to be exclusive, but that you don't want to talk about it. You just want it to happen... naturally.. and not actually discuss it.

 

When it comes up in conversation, you say you are not boyfriend/girlfriend. He agrees. If you are not boyfriend/girlfriend, and he has mentioned exclusivity and you haven't agreed, then how can you *know* that both of you are exclusive.

 

It sounds to me that you are allowing confusion to enter the equation because you don't feel comfortable discussing this subject. *You* are exclusive, but you can only *think* he is exclusive.

 

In a relationship, this is something that can, and should, be discussed (in person, in private) and explicitly defined. If you don't, you leave the door open to two totally different viewpoints of what your relationship is.

[annie24]

You have been spending a *lot* of time with this guy over the last 6 weeks and you have not clarified your relationshionship. You haven't been explicit about what the status is.

 

He has a history of deceit and cheating.

 

When you basically gave him the green light to not be exclusive, he gets distant, goes to a party, doesn't repsond to you when you text/call.

 

You then withdraw.

 

He gets antsy and wants even more to hang out with you even though you have a very valid reason for *not* doing so.

 

I don't know if I am just a cynic, or if there seems to be something here...

 

I agree completely.

 

so, I've been thinking about this a bit.... and I don't know about this guy. I think it's one thing if a person has too much to drink, and winds up cheating on their SO at a party, but the next day they are very contrite and feel that they made a huge mistake. I call it "a one-time oops."

 

However, that he can lie to his gf, who he alledgedly loves and respects... that he can lie to her day in and day out for years, and be ok with that... I think that is an incredibly bad sign. He is someone who is just out for himself, and will use you however he sees fit. He is someone who doesn't have a conscience.

 

If this is what your friends were telling you, I think they were right.

[gradle]

hi guys,

annie, no, i completely understand what you mean and that is what i am fearing. but can i help who i like? am i just attracted to guys that will hurt me? i have to have some hope, don't i?

 

anything C does, for some reason, i get this crazy fear that i'll never see him again. once in high school he knew he was moving to a different state. he didn't tell anyone except for his girlfriend until the day he moved. things like that scare me.

 

last night we were doing well, we were at a poker game and i guess i joked aroudn about him not having a place to live. (he just moved here and is jobless and homeless). although everyone jokes about it, and he and i usually do, i guess i really hurt his feelings. everyone at the poker game was calling me his girlfriend and neither of us denied it. but once i said the comment he got a little quieter. he hardly said anythign on the way home, actually had his head down. i didn't realize that i'd hurt his feelings.

 

adn then today he was jsut really short wiht me with our texts and he didn't call me until i had texted him a few times. he also changed his facebook profile from in an open relationship (which he'd had since before i'd met him) to "single". i was really upset. usually i'd hear from him 4-5 times by then.

but he called. i told him i was really worried and he told me that he was upset about the night before. he also mentioned he'd been wanting to not spend SO much time together and that he always felt guilty about not having a place to live yet, he feels bad about spedning nights at my place. that he thinks that i think he's using me for a place to stay (although he's now staying at his frien'ds place who just moved here...). he was pretty sweet though all in all and pretty normal. so my worries have subsided a bit.

 

i guess you guys are right, we have to have the talk soon. the facebook profile thing hurts my feelings a little and i don't know if i should bring that up. he wants to see me tomorrow night if i go out. adn we're definitely hanging out on friday. so i think i'm ok for now...hopefully things will blow over a bit and we'll be able to have a normal relationship/just see or talk on a normal basis, not all the time, not too few a times.

[annie24]

hey - I am sorry to hear about this! I do think you should ask him what is up with the profile status. I think it's fair of you to ask. If he is breaking things off, it certainly shouldn't be done over facebook!

 

and yeah.... that is really weird. not telling anyone about the move until the day of! I think that is selfish, because he isn't letting people say goodbye to him. he just kind of leaves people high and dry....

 

I don't know gradle.... i think you can do better than this guy. you are so sweet and i think you deserve a lot more than him.

[gradle]

awwww, thanks annie!

i really appreciate that. i know you hear these things and i know he did them and i can't forget them, i just hope we can get past them. he says he really wants to be a good person. and he sees that in me adn he respects me so much and wants to have more goodness, becuase he knwos he hasn't been very good. urgh...i'm sure that sounds confusing. basically, he wants to be a better person.

 

my friends say they think it's more me holding back tghat made him possibly pull away. he definitely is not seeing anyone else, i do'nt question that at all. i think since he moved out here his pride is really hurt. it's his first time to ever look for a real job and i do'n tthink he realized it would be quite this hard. so he's jobless and homeless and i just sort of think he needs a cheerleader right now instead of the way i've been acting.

i'm not really sure how to birng up the facebook status. i always glance at people's, but i don't take much stock in them. especially on facebook where you don't HAVE to have a status up, you know? but i do want to bring it up. i think it was his way of sort of getting back at me for my mean comment....