Oh Darn It...Eating Disorder Takes New Turn

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Having been anorexic at approximately 14-16 years of age, then force-fed/forced to recover by my parents, I was "alright" for awhile (still food/body obsessed, but had no scales in house etc..), but then I started binge eating at least.... 5 times a week? when I was 17.

 

I'm 18.5 now, and until last week it was getting to the point where, as well as too much exercise, I was starting to make myself sick as well.

 

To be clear, my weight has stayed the same at a healthy 140lbs/BMI 21 since I started bingeing...there IS a god, by rights I should be at least 200lbs by now with all the junk I've eaten...

 

A combination of lots of exercise and a decent metabolism has saved me, I guess.

 

Anyway. In despair, I purchased a book about stopping overeating/eating less/overcoming compulsive eating.

 

It is a very sensible book, treating overeating as an addiction. Having been in therapy etc, I no longer believe it is all about emotional problems, and it really is like giving up smoking. For me it is, anyway.

 

The book advocates seeing self esteem as a goal rather than weightloss, trying to eat healthier, seeing yourself as having CHOICES in what/how much you eat, and setting limits on your food as you go, but allowing yourself to eat whatever you want, just..in sane amounts, at sane times.

 

All Well And Good.

 

The problem is that although I have not binged for 7 days now, and I've eaten SLIGHTLY healthier....

 

But.

 

Now, eating depresses me and I've slipped right back into the kind of thinking that anorexia gave me! Eg...."How long can I go without food?"

 

And cutting my food up small, etc.

 

I added up a typical day this week, I'm not eating enough. Yet...eeating enough now scares me. I wouldn't dream of bingeing any more. It makes me feel ill.

I'm in despair. It seems like I either don't binge/eat everything I want in small amounts.....but then, I feel so GOOD the less I eat.

 

I had no idea that under my mad binge eating side, beats very much the heart of an anorexic. It makes me sad that after a total of 4+ years with eating disorders, it all comes back to this.

 

This attempt to help myself has been the best for a long time - I'm eating a steady 1000-2000 cals a day, NO BINGES!, and I dont feel very deprived. But the obsession ravages me, being thin is something I think about so much, it's pathetic.

 

I'll keep on with it, I just wanted to vent.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Superstar,

 

Well, you are doing ever better but you still sometimes want to over-act because you are used to going from one extreme to the other.

 

No problem, just keep on going as steady as you can.

[itsallgrand]

You're keeping on with it!

 

To me, that flashes big lights of progress and success. It almost seems like you are exploring and coming to understand this disorder from both sides now - you've went to both extremes, learned for yourself they don't work, and now is the time you'll find the healthy balance.

A hard lesson but it'll just keep getting better because you are making yourself better.

 

Vent away when need be. Way to go AntiLove, you're doing great.