Saw the ex at the gym and he stared at me...

[bluegal79]

This is my first post on this forum.

 

My post is a bit long, so I thank you in advance for reading and sharing your thoughts/opinions with me.

 

I saw my ex-fiance at the gym on Tuesday.

It has been almost 3 months since he dumped via an email sent by his mother and cut off contact with me. The breakup story can be found here:

link removed

 

I had seen him at the gym 2 weeks ago and didn't acknowledge him, but I started trembling when I realized he was looking at me. Two nights later I received 4 hang up calls from his best buddy's cell phone number on my voicemail. The night I received the calls is the night they used to hang out together for a weekly "guy's night."

That 1st gym incident is discussed in further detail here.

link removed

 

This past Tuesday, I walk into the gym and am waiting behind a guy to get my memership card scanned when the ex, who must have been on one of the machines near the desk, walks right behind the desk to stand there and stare at me. It was not a nice stare either or one of disbelief like the last time. His eyes were squinted like he was angry and he was just glaring.

I was quite shocked since I went at a time when I thought he would still be at work. I kept my face neutral and I didn't acknowledge him at all.

In fact, I acted like he wasn't there by glancing at the pool to the right and pretended to be interested in the people swimming.

 

My membership card is scanned and I have no choice but to walk around the desk towards him to get up the stairs to the cardio machines. I do not acknowledge him as he is still staring angrily at me. He just shakes his head at me ( in a "no" motion) and turns around with his chest all pumped up, and starts to walk away from me toward the back of the gym. Yeah, like I was going to walk over to him or something.

 

I walk up the stairs and go up them and as I glance down for a split second once I reach the top, he has stopped walking and is staring at me again. I just went and did my workout for 30 minutes ( I focused my attention on the TV's hanging in front of the treadmill), then came down did the weights like normal left. I didn't start trembling like the last time when I saw him either.

 

I am stubborn and I am not going to stop going to that damned gym because:

1) It is literally 5 minutes or less from my house and I enjoy exercising.

 

2) Why should I be the one to "run away" from him or avoid him?

He dumped me! He was abusive to me!

Why should I be ashamed of showing my face there?

He had his mom change his number and tell me he left town, so I couldn't "find him." If you are avoiding someone, why does he keep going there when he knows I still go there? Is he trying to intimidate me?

 

3) I did my best to avoid him all summer long and when I did see him 2 weeks ago on a Tuesday, it was after 7pm. So I think to myself, " I will just go a few hours earlier from now on."

Today is the second day in a row I have gone at 4pm-ish.

If he doesn't like my presense there, then I suggests he go work out somewhere else.

 

 

45 minutes after I left the gym, I received a "Private Call" on the phone. When the phone rang, I didn't look at the caller ID since I was expecting a call from my mother and picked up. I said hello and had someone stay on the line for a few seconds then hang up. FWIW, in the 2 years I have lived here, I have never gotten a "Private Call" from someone. I have a feeling it was him. Who else would call and block their number ( he has a new cell number since he dumped me)?

 

Did I act correctly in ignoring him?

My therapist said I should smile or wave and go about my business, but he was glaring at me in such a terrible manner I felt he did not deserve to be acknowledged.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

TIA

[ElektraHere]

well what did they tell you on "loveshack?"

[bluegal79]

I only received 1 response and that was a comment about he was acting creepy.

 

 

 

 

O/T:

I only discovered this forum a couple of days ago and had no idea it existed.

I found it when I did a search on Yahoo about healing after break ups. After browsing the boards, I have seen what a wonderful and supportive community this is and I wish I would have found it earlier.

[Hope75]

How old is this guy?

 

Seems he handled the breakup in a very cowardly, immature way.

 

why not just ask him what he's staring at next time?

 

Do you have any ideas why he broke it off with you?

 

How long were you together? Was he open and good at commicating with you while you were together?

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. I only read half of your post at loveshack - it is very very long! often, you can get more responses if you shorten your post to a few paragraphs.

 

anyways... your ex's family sounds REALLY REALLY messed up. And your ex sounds like he is not ready to be a husband. he wasn't standing up for you at all. I think you are better off without him. Imagine if you married him? you would be stuck with this motley crue of weirdos as your family! and those would be the grandparents to your kids!

 

I think you are 10000% better off without him. Ignore him, wave, whatever, doesn't matter. Just get on with your life, ignore whatever he is or isn't doing when you are at the gym. Maybe find a new gym?

 

(((HUGS)))

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

I just read you entire thread on loveshack and yes it's very long.

 

BUT... after reading that all I can say is that it is a good thing he is out of your life. He and his family sound very dysfunctional. While I don't have anything against a 27 year old living at home with his parents (I did it for a brief time as well!), when they are controlling his life and he is letting them, t becomes very unhealthy for you. It was clear that he was allowing his parents to manipulate him... and the fact that he RAPED you and pushed you down and was violent is very disturbing in itself.

 

He needs professional help and I don't think he is in any place where he should be in a relationship with ANYONE. He is not mentally sound.

 

As for the gym- just avoid him if possible. If it gets to be too much- you may have to change locations. I realize this place is close to your home and you like going there- but you cannot let pride and stubborness get in the way of your safety.

[annie24]

OH MY!!! He raped you!?!??!?!

 

Stay far far far away from this man! Consider pressing charges even.

[bluegal79]

He is 27. We were together 2 years.

 

I agree he did handle the breakup like a total immature coward.

He had his mother dump me in an email and she changed his number the day after we had an fight that dealt with issues stemming from him forcing himself on me when I was sleeping (he claimed he was sleeping and didn't remember) and because of trust issues that stemmed from that incident and from prior cheating on his part. The last time I saw him he was crying and telling me he couldn't live without me,then he went to his parents house and I never saw him till recently.

 

We were best friends and were very open with each other. We were attending couples therapy to heal from prior cheating on his part (counseling was his idea). His parents never liked me ( even though I was always nice to them) and were hyper protective of their son.

 

I ran into one of his friends and they gave me his new number about a month after the breakup and I called him. After I got off the phone with him, his mother called me twice and I didn't answer. A few weeks later someone told me his mother made him contact a lawyer ( well, one of the mother's friends who is a lawyer) because I called him and she made him give the lawyer copies of emails I sent him after I was dumped ( there were 2 emails of me being pathetic begging and pleading with him to contact me and I loved him and wanted to work out our problems, nothing threatening or inappropriate).

 

My therapist assured me that with one phone call and 2 emails it was not harassment, plus I asked him how to give him back his ring in those emails and he never responded so I was to assume he wanted me to have it. I guess the lawyer told him the same thing, because the friend told me the lawyer said she felt bad for me and him, but he needed to put me in the past and move on and forget me and the relationship he had with me.

FWIW, I asked that person to please not tell me anything else about him because it really wasn't helping me to heal.

 

I guess I have not asked him what he is looking at because I don't want him to run and tell his mommy I am harassing him. Also, I don't want him to see he gets to me.

[bluegal79]

Annie and Hope75:

Thank you for your responses.

I just read them. I was trying to condense the breakup story and hadn't refreshed the page.

 

Yes, he raped me and claimed "he was sleeping and didn't remember."

It has been difficult dealing with the issues stemming from that incident ( which happened a few days before the breakup), plus dealing with being dumped. I don't know if he told his parents about what he did to me, but if he did I am sure they have convinced him I lied and he did nothing wrong to me.

 

It does bother me that he would just glare at me like that when I have done nothing to him. I think I am going to start to go at different times again to try to avoid him.

[annie24]

or maybe just avoid him at a new gym.

[bluegal79]

or maybe just avoid him at a new gym.

 

Yes, that is also a good idea. I will look around and get pricing for other gyms.

[Hope75]

I would agree with Annie.

 

It's just not worth it. There are plenty of other gyms out there.

[GreatGuy]

From what i get this entire ordeal has to do with the Rape Incident. Most people abused tend to feel like the victims, like they could have done this or that. For women, due to their maternal instincts it;s further, and they even make excuses for the abusers. Him dumping you didn't help either.

He did something awefull and tried to cover it up by saying he was sleeping, next told his parents, next dumped you. His behaviors in the gym basically say that he cannot believe you really think he did what you said he did. He is in pure denial, and has chosen to make you feel guilty for it all. That is really F Up!

I really think you should see a rape therapist fast!! It isn't a joke and separate that incident from your relationship with him. This is where you need to start. Sure you sent him emails wanting him, that's what dumpees, abused people, addicted people do. But the fact remains that act he did was wrong and you should think seriously about the repercussions on your life.

 

My first ever girl friend (high school sweetheart together for 7yrs!!), was raped before we met. Man...it was not joke. I took care of her for so long since she would have all these episodes, flashback at anytime, long nights without sleep ect.. And when we would have sex it was worste! Can you imagine this was my first sexual experience, and now i had to deal with what she was dealing with? It effected me, made me question my own abilities in bed ect. It's like a cancer that spreads. It wasn't until last year that i began seing the correlation between how her issues effected me indirectly. Also as i was taking care of her, she was getting better towards the end of the relationship she was a totally diff, person and she dumped me. ahaah What a great joke at my expense. Not to worry, just a month ago, we saw each other in 6years, she stayed at my place, we had a heart to heart, she said she was sorry for what she did, we;ve been friends since then.

 

You see i was the best thing sent to her..but her conditions made it impossible for her to see it. You seriously need to think about this incident and how it can effect you for a long time if you don;t see a specialist and begin to heal properly.

 

Good luck!

[bluegal79]

Greatguy!: Thank you for your reply. I didn't even think that the reason he might have been glaring like that was because of denial regarding the rape. Did I act correctly in ignoring him? Or should I have stared right back to show him I am not scared of him? I am not a man, so I am not sure what a man generally thinks when someone they have dumped doesn't even acknowledge them.

 

I appreciate your suggestion about seeing a therapist. I have been seeing a psychologist weekly since a few days after the breakup and probably will for a long time. When I first went, I couldn't even say the word "rape." I would refer to the incident as, "what he did to me that night." I really would have been even more lost without counseling throughout this ordeal and it has been a true lifesaver.

 

You sound like such a good person and I am sure your ex from HS will always remember what an important part you played in helping her heal after such a terrible ordeal. You affected her so much, that after 6 years she wanted to apologize for hurting you. I bet she thought about you alot over the years and I'm glad you are both friends now.

[GreatGuy]

Chin Up Girlfriend!

[No Spaces Rob]

What a creep. This guy has got so many problems he is an accident waiting to happen and I myself would stay well away from him let alone you.

 

Look at the way he treats you when he's at the gym. He's aggressive, threatening and trying to control you. He not only has thrown away any possibility of you being friends or your relationship mending, but he's also thrown away his dignity and any respect anyone might have for him at any time. He's a terminal case.

 

Ignoring him is simply survival on your part. Being nice and friendly to him is another tactic, though it would be ridiculous given the controlling manner he is treating you with.

 

Unfortunately, he is a crazy person and it sounds like he is after you.

 

That whole thing of him living with his mother and letting her control him sends shivers down my spine. It's like something from a movie.

 

Draw on your friends and family for support. Obviously, don't initiate any more contact with him, ever. Your family and friends can be very supportive in times like this, I really hope you take advantage of them.

 

Consider stopping going to that gym. If it were me, it would make me very tense and also a bit scared whenever I saw him. If you stop seeing him, it's the next step to stopping caring about him at all. At the least, you should seriously consider what is more important to you - your safety and happiness, or having a gym in a convenient location.