I can't stop struggling with this. Please help if you can relate.

[Mettaone]

This is a long one......just please bear with me. My girlfriend and I were together for 6 years. It was a wonderful relationship. We grew into these beautiful human beings and helped each other out through so much. She was an extremely motivated person who always pushed me to better myself. We spent all our time together. Only 3 days apart in 6 years. I'm sure that wasn't the best idea but that's just the way it turned out. She was working toward her Phd in Buddism and that in itself is an extremely intense thing to study. I was an aspiring chef and still am. I was her first serious relationship and first woman partner.

 

She did not put labels on herself and had only been with two men before we were together. That was something very hard for me to deal with. I could never talk to her about that. It made me too uncomfortable. I've only fooled around with guys when I was younger but there was never any sex involved. I'm simply attracted to women. I'm not interested in men. Unfortunately, our relationship got to a point where I was trying to decide whether or not I was going to go to culinary school. I didn't want to leave her for school, so I figured I would wait for her program to be done then she could follow me like I did her 2,000 plus miles away from where we grew up. But, she wanted me to go without her.

 

It got to a point where I told her and her father that it's really hard to be pushed into something when you don't feel ready. She stop pushing and all the sudden things began to change and one morning we woke up and she looked at me and told me " you need to do what's best for you". My heart dropped. She told me she was going through some major life changes. I also found out that she had a connection with this guy that was in the same program as her in graduate school.

 

Nothing happened between them but it made her re-evaluate her entire life. She was also feeling a deep gut feeling about maybe wanting to experience child birth at some point in her life and I don't feel that she believed that 2 women could rightfully achieve that. I fell to pieces at that point. She said she was ready to know what it's like to live alone and experience life on her own. She was feeling strong in herself and was ready to stand on her own. School had made her feel more confident. I felt like she was just dropping me from her life. It's so hard for me to believe everything she said. I don't think she'll ever want to be with women ever again and she even said that herself. I can't even begin to process that idea and understand why she couldn't be happy with me when everything seemed so perfect before. It made me feel I had nothing to give to her.

 

She got into this horrible accident when she was 17 and a woman ran out in front of her car (this women was just on her daily jog I suppose) and 3 days later she died in the hospital from head trauma. I know this freaked my gf out BEYOND belief and she was struggling with this for years. I helped her out through all her break downs and truly loved being there to get her throught it. It really makes me sad though, because now I feel I was just there to help her get through that rough time in her life and that she doesn't need me anymore. I feel that now she has gotten past that and no longer needs my support. She feels we need to know what it is like to be separate. I didn't speak to her until after 7 months of being separated and nothing had changed in her at that point.

 

We were e-mailing each other most of the time, since the time that I had left her in our house alone. I guess for the first few months she was really struggling, she even e-mailed me and said she couldn't stop crying, but she knew that had to happen. The e-mails went on for a little while longer but then they would die out. All I could tell her was that I missed her and I still loved her very much. I didn't know what else to say and now, my e-mails to her are just short. Last one was a week and a half ago. She asked me if I was in my new place and how is it? I said to her yes, I'm in my new place. It's okay. Love. That's all I could write. And I haven't heard from her since. We had a house and a car. All those wonderful materialistic things in life but I left them all behind.

 

I've finally moved from coast to coast to attend culinary school because I know I need to do this for myself. But, not a day goes by where I don't think about her. I love this woman so much. My life has been flipped upside down. I hardly know anyone anymore and feel so lost sometimes. It's been 9 months and nothing has changed in me. There was so much intensity there between us. She doesn't regret any of it. She says she is happy we met when we did, but it's time for us to move on. I really wish I could understand. Can anyone tell me anything to help? Has anyone else gone through something like this. I've met a couple of people who have. But it's still not doing me any good. I've searched for so many different answers. I'm just so up and down. Thanks for reading.

[NJRon]

It would help if you would break your post up into paragraphs... it's a little hard to read and you might get more responses.

 

From my perspective when I hear a girl say "You need to do what's right for you" in the same context as you mention it, it means that she knows you should go off to culinary school. Also, I would get the hint that she wants you to do it without her. She doesn't want to hold you back.

 

If someone I was with had a dream, and, for whatever reason, timing or circumstances threw a little kink into it and we couldn't move at the same time, I would only be able to give my support.

 

That said.... with some of the other tidbits of what she said to you, I'm getting this message...

 

"I really do love/care for you, but we are going different directions. Don't let me hold you back from yours. Follow your path. However, even though I care about you, I don't see us together in the future."

 

I'm sorry, but it really sounds like she has let you go. Obviously, I don't know for sure exactly what was in her mind, but it seems to me that it is akin to what an ex did to me.

 

We had a great relationship for a few years. Things fizzled out. She decided to move away. I offered to go with her. Her response was:

 

"I can't ask you to do that."

 

I at first thought that she just didn't want me to do something I didn't actually want to do. I tried assuring her that I *did* want to do it... she kept with the same response. It took a long time for me to figure out that that what she was saying to me was, "I can't ask you to do that because I don't want to be with you. If you move, I will feel guilty that you went to so much trouble when it won't work out. I care for you... just let me go."

 

Best wishes...

[mgirl]

Well, what NJ Ron says sounds right, although i could read your paragraphs fine!

 

Unfortunately in life, we cannot control what other people feel. The way i see it is that you are lucky she (or somebody for that matter) ended it before it became ugly...

 

Sorry for the useless advice, but the only thing i can say is that you are still young, still have time to meet somebody new and are following your dream, which is good! With time it will all go away. I find the best thing to do is immerse myself in a hobby. Exercise is also a good thing to do as it raises the endorphins in your body which will make you feel better.

 

My friend and i used to call the stage you are in the "reconditioning phase" where the bereaved starts focusing making him or herself 'better' for another person. This usually means the physical and psychological stage, but more the physical, where the person focuses on reconditioning their life and moving on (eg. getting fit, changing their look).

[Cadence308]

It sounds like she really did love you, as she probably wouldn't have been with you for 5 years. I think she wanted you to do what is best for you because she knows that you are passionate about the culinary arts. I also think that she felt that your lives were moving away from each other and not towards each other. She is working on her Ph.D. in Buddhism and knew that you wanted to pursue your life dream of being a chef.

 

It also sounds like she has been re-evaluating her life and deciding that she may want to be with a man and perhaps have a child some day. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain and losing something that you care about so much. I wish that there were something that I could say or do to make you feel better. All I can say is that I've felt rejected before in relationships and things will get better for you. Are you seeing a counselor or have you thought about it? Many schools offer therapy for free or on a pro-rated basis and it might help you to sort things out.

[Mettaone]

Thanks for the advice. I saw a counselor for a while right after we broke up and then another counselor when I moved back to where I grew up. I know it wasn't enough but I've been so stubborn thinking that maybe I'm allowing myself to feel this way because what else could I feel. My love for her meant the world to me. Hopefully, it'll just slowly fade. Even though it's been 9 months since I last saw her it's like I can still feel her and then this complete sadness fills every part of my being. I've been looking into my break up situation so much. It's very similiar to what happened to Ellen Degeneres and Melissa Ethridge. I guess some feel there is more fluidity in women as far as their sexual orietation goes. Being with women and allowing that to be what it is and then being with men and allowing that to be what it is. Not really lableling it. I still have a hard time. I mean I get it to a certain degree but it doesn't make me feel any better that this * * * * had to happen to me.

[NJRon]

I can understand your pain. If you keep running it over and over in your head, it's going to be difficult to let go of it. A counselor may help just to even have someone to talk to, face-to-face and voice these feelings out loud to an impartial person. I have found that to work in the past.

 

While your love for her meant the world to you... it's time to start loving yourself more...

 

Best wishes...