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Anger and how to express it with Love?


Aschleigh
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I have been irratated, sometimes angry with my Boyfriend about his relationship with his ex girlfriend.

We were talking about it the other night and he said he felt attacked, that I was telling him he was doing something wrong.

I felt so sad. I need to be able to tell him about what bothers me, but I can't attack him. I can't hurt him.

I wasn't taught how to express anger healthily growing up.

I was yelled at. When I was angry my Mom ignored me or told me to get over it.

I don't want to repeat this pattern with my boyfriend who I love very much.

He isn't doing anything wrong. He's just making a decision I don't like much. We keep talking things out so that's good.

But what are some strategies for expressing anger, even arguing if neccesary without the meaness, or balming or anyone feeling hurt?

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As an expert in anger, here are a few things I've learned in therapy.

 

First off, its okay to be angry. Anger is a healthy emotion. Whenever you get angry, don't ever tell yourself you shouldn't be angry. Anyone who tells you, "you shouldn't be angry" should be punched in the gonads. Never discount your feelings!

 

If you get angry, excuse yourself, then go into another room and throw some pillows, kick some shoes, or punch the bed. Something to physically get the anger out. Then after that, think about what it is you are really angry about. Often times, the need to express anger clouds the mind from why it is that you are angry.

 

As to your specific situation. I think arguing rarely solves any issues. It typically ends up being one person feeling like they lost out. Instead talk to him when you are calm. Ask him if he has time to listen to you. Explain why it is that you dont like him seeing his ex-gf, how it makes you feel. If he continues to want to see his ex, don't push the issue anymore. He has the right to see the people he wants. If that makes you uncomfortable, you're going to have to deal with it, or think about moving on.

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