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Having a weak NC moment. Please help. Anybody?


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Having a weak moment. Please help.

 

LDR

My ex wanted to "take a break" back in May (not sure of her feelings anymore, wants space, too much pain to work through from past relationship, etc.). We were doing limited contact for about 3 months after that. About one call a week. Then I exploded and told her I couldn't stand not speaking to her regularly, she pretty much told me I shouldn't wait for her. Bad move since we didn't call each other for about 2 weeks after that. Then I left her a message, and she contacted me within a couple of days and we've been back on this once a week call thing.

 

So now I know her independence is important to her (just graduated, she's 30, and will be leaving the home she grew up in after her parents move for retirement).

 

She even said to me, after I told her how work and school were stressing me, " I'm your biggest stress right now because you don't know what's going on with me." But she has been wanting to come for a visit next week. She said she would let me know after she finds out when her new job wants her to start. That was Sunday night. Tuesday morning she leaves me a message asking me to do her a quick favor with a gift certificate I got her a while back. I called later that night to say it's fixed. No calls from her.

 

I am panicking that she may just say she isn't coming, and this limited contact is driving me nuts in the meantime. I don't want to push and pressure for the visit if it has a good chance of still going down.

 

(I just met a chick on my morning commute just to get a good feeling in my head again; to stop this pain. But I think she's a bit too young for me. But it felt good to get that number.)

 

 

Help me enotaloners…….please

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Hey- If she wants space and tells you not to wait for her...then IMO that's what you should do ..give her space and also take some space for yourself. It can't be fun ..waiting and wondering. So go on with your life.

 

About the girl- i have mixed feelings..part of me says ..eh go ahead...call her..but then another part says ..you are not ready to begin dating again with all the goings on with your x.

 

I hope that helped and best of luck to you whatever you decision.

 

If i were you i would let her initiate contact for the weekend...if she doesn't then i would move on.

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Hey- If she wants space and tells you not to wait for her...then IMO that's what you should do ..give her space and also take some space for yourself. It can't be fun ..waiting and wondering. So go on with your life.

 

About the girl- i have mixed feelings..part of me says ..eh go ahead...call her..but then another part says ..you are not ready to begin dating again with all the goings on with your x.

 

I hope that helped and best of luck to you whatever you decision.

 

If i were you i would let her initiate contact for the weekend...if she doesn't then i would move on.

 

Hi HHWH,

 

Thanks for the feedback. It's not fun at all. I do fill my day with things to do , but the weekends are so hard. Saturday and Sunday will go slowly by, then she'll call me late Sunday night before i go to sleep. It's happened twice already...

 

Yes this other girl is a little mental diversion should I call, which i will. I want to care a little less about the ex and have her sense it when she calls. I believe it when they say that exes can actuallly feel you letting go, depending on the length of time you were together.

 

My plan is to definitely let her approach me about the weekend. I'm surprised she even considered it.

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It just sounds to me like she is taking advantage of you.. and that's not fair to you.

 

call the other girl and let us know how it goes! lol

 

I'm having a hard time admitting that to myself. How could someone who seemingly doesn't want much to do with you have the heart to do that? She comes accross as wanting to finally find happiness in life, and being scared of relationships.

 

Is this called an integrity problem? Is hse not taking responsibility for her actions?

 

Would she finally see me in a new light if just told her to stop messing around and stay gone if she wants to be gone?

 

The whole fear in me is that she would internalize that as proof that all her relationships fail, and that i was just another one of those guys that hurt her.

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Well this friends route has no chance to work if you want her back. It'll only give you false hope till she break all communication off for good. Seen it happen hundreds of times.

 

Call her and tell her you want back into a relationship with her and friends just won't do. Nothing less will do. If she isn't with you by the end of the conversation the it's time for NC as there's nothing left to be said.

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But you weren't the one that did the hurting- she is walking away on her own. I have a different approach - i am much too prideful and stubborn to wait for anyone... so go in a totally different direction..lol

 

Also, it sounds like she needs to do some healing from her past relationships and feels she can't do it while in a comitted relationship with you.

 

I would definitely give her her space and let her do what she needs to. Maybe the fact that you are "giving" her her freedom will help her to realize that maybe...she doesn't want it so much.

 

i would enforce a strict NC ..including the 1 call a week.

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Well this friends route has no chance to work if you want her back. It'll only give you false hope till she break all communication off for good. Seen it happen hundreds of times.

 

Call her and tell her you want back into a relationship with her and friends just won't do. Nothing less will do. If she isn't with you by the end of the conversation the it's time for NC as there's nothing left to be said.

 

That is the result I want helo. I do want her back. I was hoping that i would just miss a few of her calls here and there, get her to start wondering...

 

I've read the Homer mcDonald Stop your divorce book and it says just letting go and agreeing with the breakup and giving her exactly what she asks for without protest can work to bring her back. But I have to keep going on with my life. It's the ultimatum thing that I think will backfire.

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I was hoping that i would just miss a few of her calls here and there, get her to start wondering...

I used to give this kind of advice, but it's emotional warfare and never works in the end. Even if you're able to "swing" them back into your life with psychological game playing, the old problems/doubts would creep back up and the relationship would be doomed anyways. Best is to be direct and make sure everybody knows exactly what everyone's true intentions are and that way the right decisions are made.

 

I've read the Homer mcDonald Stop your divorce book and it says just letting go and agreeing with the breakup and giving her exactly what she asks for without protest can work to bring her back. But I have to keep going on with my life. It's the ultimatum thing that I think will backfire.

I've never read that book, but it's terrible advice. By agreeing with the break up you communicate that you don't care about the relationship and verify her decision to break up and she'll want to stay broken up. Getting a final answer is the sole item you need to move on with your life, no matter whether it's with her or not.

 

On a side note, a lot of the so called "experts" with certification and degrees usually give some of the most long winded incorrect advice. They simply don't have enough real life experience to give any kind of accurate advice. They're simply quoting out of books or making it up as they write and that's not how you address people's specific problems. Experience in the field is where you really learn how people work.

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Should I send this email then?

 

 

 

I've been pretty much silent this whole summer about how I have been feeling. With you not keeping in touch with me the way you used to, I was able to think a few things through.

 

I don't want to settle for brief contact that only makes you feel better in case I'm hurting from what you're doing. You should have been concerned for my feelings four months ago.

 

The truth is that I want you in my life as my woman, girl, partner, whatever you want to call it. Nothing else will do. I am not trying to become a friend that you call once in a while until you eventually stop calling me all together. That's called a slow death. I want you. Period. No confusion, no doubt.

 

You act as if I can't "get the hint" about what you're going through. The last time I saw you, you expressed your need for space, and the VERY NEXT DAY you introduced me as your boyfriend to two different people. Do you know how frustrating it is to know that you are hurting and at the same time you're pushing and pulling?

 

It's not fair to me.

 

If you truly don't want me in your life P------, then let this die. Stop calling. Because my natural reaction is to be there for you, no matter what. And what usually happens when you're done spilling your guts, is that you disappear. How about my hurt? What about my pain and sleepless nights? Do you have time to sit and listen to that?

 

I will always own up to whatever mistakes I made with us, but I know that I have done nothing to deserve this. So if you want to work things out, reach out to me. Otherwise, there's nothing left to say. Take care of yourself.

__________________

 

Feedback please

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Couldn't you just call her and say the exact same thing? I think a real conversation is a lot better than just sending her an email. At least then she can respond to you in real-time and you can discuss what's going to happen until you have your closure. Playing this email game is just going to prolong things more. What if she doesn't respond? Are you going to be sitting and wondering why?

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Yes, true, saying this stuff through phone would be better because you want to ask her to get back together first and give her the chance to say yes or no. Then it's not putting words into her mouth about not wanting a relationship, she'll be making the decision all on her own. Then you express the rest of the letter.

 

I'd leave the stuff out about not wanting to ease her guilt, it would only make her feel guilty. What you can tell her and what you should really be concerned with is not putting your life on hold for someone who isn't in it.

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Couldn't you just call her and say the exact same thing? I think a real conversation is a lot better than just sending her an email. At least then she can respond to you in real-time and you can discuss what's going to happen until you have your closure. Playing this email game is just going to prolong things more. What if she doesn't respond? Are you going to be sitting and wondering why?

 

 

drninja,

 

I've tried before and couldn't get the words out at all.

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drninja,

 

I've tried before and couldn't get the words out at all.

 

Sending an e-mail like this will only make things worse in my opinion. think about it. If you broke up weith someone and they sent you an email liek this how would you respond? You know? I hate to say this but you're a guy. you have a right to feel this way, but its not exactly attractive for a girl to have a guy talk like this. I have had TONs of girls say this to me, but the people at these sites never honestly give this advice for some reason. Be strong. Screw her if she doesnt sall you or see you. Move on, and try to get over her. Dont wait fo rthe call. Call the other girl and have fun. No use waiting around. Only way to get her back IMO....

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Sending an e-mail like this will only make things worse in my opinion. think about it. If you broke up weith someone and they sent you an email liek this how would you respond? You know? I hate to say this but you're a guy. you have a right to feel this way, but its not exactly attractive for a girl to have a guy talk like this. I have had TONs of girls say this to me, but the people at these sites never honestly give this advice for some reason. Be strong. Screw her if she doesnt sall you or see you. Move on, and try to get over her. Dont wait fo rthe call. Call the other girl and have fun. No use waiting around. Only way to get her back IMO....

 

The only reason I'd be sending the email would be to get a reaction, and she may not even react, much less the way I want her to.

 

I'm calling the other chick. * * * * all this pain.

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The only reason I'd be sending the email would be to get a reaction, and she may not even react, much less the way I want her to.

 

I'm calling the other chick. * * * * all this pain.

 

I think thats totally what you should do. Screw her if shes not going to call you. You dont have to live your life by her rules...

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Way to go, it's never one or the other. You can juggle right?

 

 

Hey Riverdog,

 

I've been reading your posts from time to time. One that hit home for me was your recent one regarding the law of scarcity. When you truly move on, your value increases.

 

You're right. I can juggle. I called the other girl at work (guess she felt safer giving me that number, whatever). Someone else answered, she's already left for the day, but will be back tomorrow. I didn't leave my name or a message.

 

It's the moments in between activity that are the hardest.

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One that hit home for me was your recent one regarding the law of scarcity.

 

Umm, interesting one that. I did advanced economics at school but never got that one in terms of love - and love is just a very long date people! (that's where we guys mess up, by the way).

 

Here's another theory (just a theory) that I am working on in terms of getting back with the ex. Although people may stick to their commitment, even though it may be wrong and find all sorts of banal stuff to justify their choice, they may much prefer to go back to when it was exciting and felt right. Without any need for justification.

 

So.... whatever she saw in the first place is where I am headed. It should prompt a kind of deja vu in her head. The storm has passed and earlier feelings may resurface.

 

This will probably work best in shorter relationships, whilst that original feeling is still fresh. For girls, feelings are very important, and for guys, if we're honest.

 

Anyway that is too easy. Because it all went belly up, I have to amplify that feeling by being even more of whatever it was she liked in the first place. I must distance myself from the negative feelings she had before, so they become a false thing, fog, bad timing, whatever.

 

Now, this is a new, and possibly devastating theory so I have to tread carefully.

 

In my case, my ex was clearly much more comfortable in our relationship when it was new, mysterious, fragile AND secret. OK, it's not my bag but hear me through. She only drew away from me once the whole village knew we were an item and I was flapping on the river bank.

 

So, what was I before? The strange foreign guy upstairs in the big house that she could not entice downstairs with her wily charms for a whole year until one day she did. Then no more barriers, no more excuses and bang! Within a few months we are done. This is why she loves working the bars, she can perform, flirt etc. but there is always something in the way.

 

What am I doing about it ? I am back to being the foreign guy but I have not been in my office, I have been in NC. Gone. Nowhere. Simple really.

 

Today was a classic, when she saw me on the road she nearly crashed trying to pull in. Beeping her horn and missing gears. So next time she comes down my street, I will be back in my office again. "Phew, what a relief, he is back". Now she is comfortable. This, she knows.

 

Here's the spanner. My behaviour will not be predictable. Otherwise we just go around again, right? This time, all sorts of crap is going to be going on.

 

Now I can hear you saying "playing games" and you would be right because that is exactly what I am going to do. Know why? Because I think she's worth it. Fake snow and penguins? Probably not. But I do have a stunning 22 year old female friend with a new Lamborghini on standby. What, you don't believe me? Too young for me but she is rich

 

My ex has to value my attention above anything else. She has to want me as much as, if not more than, I have wanted her these past weeks or all bets are off. Think I can't do it? What would you do for love?

 

Then again, would I be here if I knew what I was talking about? Yeah, maybe she is turning into an intellectual exercise, but look at it this way. If I get her back I'll post it to the forum. If not, I'll post it to the forum. Any bets people? Come on, who said we can't have some fun? Why the long faces? They've been pulling your chain long enough. Lots of question marks in this post, BTW and why not?

 

I didn't leave my name or a message.

 

Good move. Leave it a couple of days, won't hurt.

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riverdog,

 

Getting back to what I was in the first place has been my struggle as well, but she's blinded by her feelings (so am I), to even see any changes. Or perhaps she's given up and is slowly trying to ween herself away to be nice.

Even harder when you deal wirth a LDR. I like what you said about having all sorts of stuff will be going on. In my case that will be a full schedule of things to keep me occupied. A good friend of mine is coming back from a trip to Peru in a few days. We flirt all the time, but I always kept a certain distance because of my ex. Not anymore.

 

Then there's this younger girl. I'll call next week as you suggest. It's the scarcity, as well as the legendary sense of separation the dumper feels from the dumpee. Almost like telepathy. Anything other than this merry go round.

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An update:

 

If you have read this far then you knwo i was waiting for a call from her regarding this weekend. That call never came. My mom called her for a separate reason on Thursday night (to reinstate her invitation to NY). My Mom has no idea we've been having these problems. Either way she did not return my mom's call.

 

I had no idea whether her parents were back in town yet so that she couold finally find out when she would be able to fly out here.

 

I had to stoop to a level that let me know I should just leave this girl alone.

 

I bought a caller ID spoof card (it disguises the number that shows up on their caller ID to whatever number you wish) yeah, yeah, i know....

 

Any way I called her from my cell, left her a message after the machine picked up. Then I called using the spoof card creating a fake chicago number, she immediately picked up the phone. I hung up without saying anything.

 

I repeated the process, calling from my cell which she knows the number, she lets the answering machine pick. Right after that, I called again with the spoof card using a different chicago area code and a completely random phone number. A number she doesn't even recognize, and she picks right up.

I just hung up. .

 

I sent her my goodbye email today, since she wants to ignore my calls. I'll post it below.

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Here is the letter I sent.

 

Dear P_____,

 

I'm taking this time to let you know I was thinking about some stuff. First of all I just want you to know that I'm OK. I accept the fact that the two of us want different things, and this whole time you tried to be as honest as possible without intentionally hurting me. You know precisely how I feel about you, and I know that the relationship and the bond that we shared was real and very deep at a certain point. I got frustrated because I wanted things to get back to that point, but I know they can't. I also know your heart is being pulled in different directions, and what you're going through has nothing to do with me. So I'm finally backing off.

 

I've had my share of relationship drama and life lessons that made me make certain decisions. Right before I met you, I was just rediscovering my passion for life and reconnecting with my friends, music, art, god, etc. Before that I was in a deep depression and I was not happy. I want to be happy and I'm going to be.

I know you don't need permission from me because you are a strong woman, I encourage you to be happy too, whatever that takes. Take care.

 

J

 

__________________________________

 

No response was received, but i know she opened it. I don't know what hell of NC awaits but I need this forum now. Thanks

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