Should I be concerned?

[rubyfriday78]

My husband and I have been married 3 years and I love him to bits. Until recently I had no doubts about the relationship at all but he has started texting this girl he works with quite constantly which has made me paranoid. I have approached him about it because I noticed he seemed to be hiding his mobile phone every time he went out which was odd. I must admit I had picked it up and looked at his messages every so often and im pretty sure he knew I did this and this was why he started hiding it.

 

Anyway - because he started hiding it I started to get a bit jumpy, like WHY is he hiding it?! He spends 8 hours a day sat next to this girl (recently single she is) and yet he feels the need to text her at night and even at weekends and on a recent weekend away for the pair of us.

 

We had it out about this and I said that as long as he was open and honest about the relationship (he says they are just good mates) then I could handle it. He agreed. Then I set up his online mobile account for him so I can now see who he has called texted and when (it hasnt occurred to him yet that I can do this). So I asked him whether she texted last night cos I hadnt seen him texting and he said no - then I looked at his records this morning and he'd texted her 4 times - is he just lying to avoid a conflict with me? I dont know.

 

I know it could be completely innocent and its only over the last few weeks that she seems to text him all the time but to be quite honest I want to a) ring her and have a massive go and tell her to stop pestering my husband and b) have it out with him for lying to me. However, if I do either of these things I know it will make the situation worse because he will be angry that ive snooped on him etc.

 

Any thoughts?

[DN]

This seems to be snoopy week!!

 

Snooping is wrong - but having done it and found something disturbing you can't just let that information fester either.

 

So I think you should have it out with him and he will have to deal with the snooping. Don't let him divert you from the bigger issue with the snooping - that's secondary.

[Hope75]

Hey There...

 

Well, that does seem a bit excessive even for 'good mates' I must say.

 

Why don't you tell him that you know they texted 4 times last night and ask him why he felt like he needed to lie to you? If you trust him, why are you snooping?

 

I don't have a problem with my guy having female friends... but if he were to become secretive about it and lie to me... that would be cause for concern for me... and I'd talk to him about it.

[chai714]

Hi and welcome to eNotalone. Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I would continue to silently monitor his activities. Give him many opportunities to tell the truth regarding the text messages. Finally, confront him about his lies but don't tell him how you've discovered the truth. All he needs to know is that you know the truth.

 

There's no need for him to be trying to talk or text this woman behind your back. I suspect foul play as you probably do too, so continue to monitor and build your case.

[lozic21]

I agree with chai.

[rose2summer]

He has clearly lied to you about texting this woman.

 

That concerns me greatly.

 

ruby, read this book Never Be Lied to Again by Lieberman.

 

It's a great read about catching a liar that you believe may be practicing infidelity.

 

I would be very suspicious myself about his behavior.

 

He is hiding his cell and acting jumpy, all the signs of someone hiding info from you.

 

I would say you try this (from the book I suggested, summed up here):

When you talk to him, casually enter the topic of cheating, then nonchalantly joke about the affair you suspect him of having. He will be prompted to ask what you're talking about.

 

Say "Oh, I've always known about that. Do you want to know how I found out?"

 

Then say "I thought that you knew I knew but were protecting my feelings, knowing that I'd understand it was just an accident and that I really wouldn't want to talk about it."

 

He will be tempted to confess, because it makes him look like a good guy.

 

You will be able to sense his guilt (if any) by his reactions.

 

Good luck! Keep me posted.

 

Rose

[chai714]

He has clearly lied to you about texting this woman.

 

That concerns me greatly.

 

ruby, read this book Never Be Lied to Again by Lieberman.

 

 

Rose

 

Yes, this is an excellent book especially given your situation. I've used some of his techniques in the past to extract the truth. His full name is David J. Lieberman by the way.

[rose2summer]

It is a great book, huh chai, I read it when annie posted it on here.

 

I used the technique I wrote about with my ex above and it worked,

 

I tweaked it slightly:

 

He called/emailed me and said that he never physically cheated on me when I confronted him about the dating profile I found on a Catholic website that I thought was his,

 

He never actually denied my allegation,

 

I told him let's move forward and just lay it out on the table,

 

I told him that I knew it was him, and that he had created it 4 months ago, and only recently updated it,

 

He denied it,

 

So I said, I contacted the dating site and they told me you had created it 4 months ago, they told me the exact date), so why beat around the bush?

 

He then confessed.

 

It worked well for me (and no I actually hadn't contacted the dating site), I used it to get him to confess.

 

I left after that point.

 

So Lieberman's book does indeed work!

 

Rose

[hotsands]

Yes, have it out with him. It's not wrong to demand commitment from your husband. Remind him of that fact.