I can't let her go

[Workman]

I need some help. I dated this girl in college for about a year. It has been nearly 5 years since we broke up. I have talked to her a hand ful of times since we broke up, but we have never really got together face to face. When we broke up, things ended badly because I tried to stop it from ending. She said that I was still the one that she wanted to marry, but she needed to date more first. I ended up breaking it off completely. If we weren't going to be together, I couldn't stand sitting by and watching her datae other guys, it was just too painful.

 

We haven't spoke in a couple years now. Here is the rub. I am obviously not over her, I'm terrified that I never will be. I have dated several other girls in that time period, I am actually in a relationship now, but I am worried I will never get my ex completely out of my mind.

 

I felt like if I continued the friendship with her I would be kidding the both of us because I would still be in love with her, and that isn't fair to either of us. I felt like in order to get over her I needed her out of my life. I guess I was wrong. I am scared to death of talking to her again because I think it will be obvious how I feel, and I am worried that she may have gotten completely over me.

 

I don't know what to do. Should I call her and tell her all of this, that I have never really fallen out of love with her? Any ideas?

[rose2summer]

I personally wouldn't call her.

 

If you were meant to be, you wouldn't have broken up in the first place.

 

I have been guilty of telling a previous ex that he was the one I wanted to marry, even if I didn't mean it, just to keep stringing them along, yes I feel bad about doing it, but we had been together 5 yrs, and I wanted him as my back-up.

 

She may have just said that for the same reason.

 

I would try to move on and date some new people, maybe you will meet someone you are more intrigued by in the near future.

 

You have never met in person, so I am a little concerned here, how you care about her so much, I would try to get her off of your mind, and try the dating scene again.

 

Good luck!

Rose

[Relationship Coach]

She said that I was still the one that she wanted to marry, but she needed to date more first.

 

This is one of the worst things that someone can do and say to another person. This keeps you mentally involved in the relationship long after it is gone. What she really said to you was...."I really don't think you are the one for me so I'm going to search for THE ONE and if I don't find him, I'll be back for you."

 

If she really loved you regardless of her limited dating experiences, she would have never broken it off with you. The I love you so much but I need to date others concept is a parting line when they want to leave the door open in case they can't find better. It's been 5 years, how much longer are you going to give her? 5 more minutes is too much in my book. I know you love her still but how much do you love yourself? How much more of your life are you willing to put on hold? You say that you've dated and you're dating now, how fair are you being to these women, not being able to give 100% of yourself to them? Think about it, your ex has accomplished what she wanted, she manipulated you and still has the power and control You were toyed with in the worst way and I'm sorry for that but your ex is not coming back.

 

RC

[brando]

RC makes a whole lot of sense here.

 

Five years is a long time ro wait on an ex to fufill some bogus promise she made to you in an effort to see other people.

 

I do not understand this concept of keeping an ex around to fall back on. It is greek to me. All the women i broke it off with, i never had these intentions to keep them around in case no one is out there. You have and been or are dating.... well continue to.

 

Don't invest anymore energy into this five year old relationship... she is gone from you now...and I bet you will feel much much better accepting this and forgetting the i want to marry you line but need to date more...

 

be well

Brando

[Beec]

For the most part I agree with RC.

 

If she really were the one who really did it for her, she would not have wanted to live without you for a week, a month, a year, nevertheless this long.

 

You cannot go on living in limbo. Figure out how to go after her and get her, or move on emotionally, because if you don't gop get her, she's not coming back. And you chances of getting her may be quite slim. But sitting there in anticipation for another year would be stupid and foolish.

 

And if you have a woman in front of you right now, who wants to love you, you better think carefully before you mess that up. Because if you pull what your ex did, you may not be able to turn around and get her back.

[Rosey]

Hey Workman,

 

I colleague of mine was talking to me the other day, saying that it took her 5 years to get over someone. But she told me that once you accept that you will feel those feelings of love again in life, and that there is no reason why you will not feel them again and again right up into old age, then it becomes a lot easier to let go of something that's ended.

 

incidentally, she is now happily married to someone else.

[pinklace]

Five years is a long time, to be still carrying around feelings for someone. You must have thought a great deal of this woman and care for her deeply.

 

It's ok for people to say, 'move on', 'forget him/her', 'you will find someone else', but sometimes it isn't that easy to just simply forget someone, move on and date other people.

 

I don't think that WorkMan will be able to fully move on, until he contacts his ex and lets her know how he feels. If he doesn't contact her, he will be left with the 'if onlys' and the 'what ifs', he will never know for sure if there could have been a second chance with his ex and he could come to regret his decision not to contact her.

 

At least if he contacts her, he is going to know one way or another, where he stands with her. Isn't that better than never knowing?

[bluepanthereyes]

My ex fiancee said the exact same thing -- "In the end we will be together" was her remark. I'd never heard that before. Usually a break-up is more like it's just not working out kinda thing. So I did a mountain of research to figure out what she was thinking and the end result to it. The conclusion; as hard as it is, you need to close that chapter and move on. The other comments were dead on. She was swimming in 'Lake Me' expecting that you would be a fall-back guy and there is no self-respect in that for you. She was about control and pure selfishness. ME-ME-ME is what she's all about at that given moment and probably will be for some time (Boy did I learn that one the hard way!). Cut all communications, get rid of any photo's, her number, everything. Break free and focus on your personal happiness. Do things that you like and enjoy and rebuild your confidence which will increase your qualities to the women you date and make for even better relationships. If ever there was an even remote chance of destiny reconnecting things, it would only happen if she respects you as a man -- by calling and telling her how you still feel will only make you powerless once again and women have a natural instinct to be attracted to strong men. In addition, the women that you meet now will still sense a weakness in you, thus making you less attractive and you might miss out on someone who really does want to spend time with you. Good luck -- us guys really need it in today's dating scene!