They played our song, but it was someone else's wedding!

[Bounder]

Hi everyone,

 

For those of you who dont know me, I broke up with my ex at the beginning of July for a variety of trust and uncertainty issues I had. I have been wavering on it ever since and I miss her a lot....but I am hesitant to act because it got to the point of breaking up for a reason, at least thats what I keep telling myself.

 

Anyways, like a week after we broke up she ha da new bf, and she is moving back to Montreal. After what we went through when she came back last fall (had cheated on me and then slept around while we were apart, only to come back saying she would fight like h%?ll to prove she was in it for good this time) it was tough to take that she had already moved on so fast. So much for fighting...

 

Anyways, good friends of mine were getting married this weekend. They are the mirror of my ex and I......shes english from the west and hes french from the east (im the english one and my ex is the french one). The wedding was so nice, the reception spectacular, very bilingual, and their first dance was to a french song that we used as our own song a lot, and I even got a frame with a pic of us engraved with the opening lines.

 

I was so happy to see them together, such a beautiful moment, but I couldnt help feeling pretty bummed too...i know i shouldnt, this is all my choice, but man, hearing that song and seeing good friends of mine dance to it at THEIR wedding...I felt selfish for thinking about my own problems and yet incredibly lonely. My ex was at a mutual friend's wedding that night too with her new guy, and it was tearing me up inside. Me alone, her moving on. I sometimes spin into these moments of wondering if I made the right choice, even though its too late. I wonder how I will ever trust anyone again. If I will be able to meet a francohphone who is willing to be with someone whose family lives far away but really wants to keep the french part of my family alive. I saw us dancing to that song, and yet that image scared me because i dont know if she would have lasted with me, too restless. I dont want to be alone, but i dont want to rush into marriage either.

 

I want kids, a house, a loving family. I want to travel, have eclectic experiences for my kids and us as a couple. I want openness, passion, love and loyalty. Why am I so scared I wont find it? Is it the 50% failure rate of marriages? Is it my own experience? Am i that cynical? how do i break out of it and how do i find someone that i can build that with?

[tylercdurden2004]

Do you seriously think she has moved on?

 

Just from your description of her patterns it sounds more likely that even if she ends up marrying this new beau that she will end up in the 50% that get divorced. remember to that 50%-50% applies to divorce rates not to happiness rates which means that some people married are in unhappy marriages. This is why its so important to take your time and go slow so that you know you are making the right decision.

 

I know its hard its so hard to be single and have all teh what ifs. But I can say its much better than being with someone and having what ifs. Nothing anyone can tell you will make that pain go away but know this it will happen when it does not when you want it to. Your ex was clearly no good and most likely will be the same with her new beau. Its very difficult for most people to change and make changes. Often it takes a serious situation to start change. For others its much easier. Be glad its not you and he now has to deal with it. Try to enjoy your time as much as possible as its not infinite.

[Bounder]

She may just be doing her best to move on. She was really talking about marriage before we broke up last month. I was just hesitant...i dont know what I was waiting for, but i wanted some sort of sign that it would be safe to trust again. On the surface, all the signs were there....I just couldnt open up again. She was wonderful except for the indecision last year....we skied together, travelled together, she loved going out west with me....At least she has someone to hold onto, to talk to...my friend have been amazing and I love them so much for all they have done, but when i go home at night i know she has someone to hold, to share her sleepy thoughts with....and it eats me up....sorry.....getting a bit worked up here....but it feels good to get it out....

[tylercdurden2004]

Its irrelevant what she has. Its what you have that matters. She may have someone to talk to she may have someone to hold. But quite frankly I find this reason or measure of a relationship BS. To me what defines a relationship is how much someone grows with you.

 

She may very well have a complete jerk on her hands. You dont know. She may resort to her old antics. You dont know. SHe may think she has something better only to find out in one years time that she doesnt. Eventually you will be all right you just have to trust that and try to not worry about whether she is better off.

 

Patterns in life are sooooo important. You know this girls patterns. You know her behaviour is bad so what makes you think you would be better off with her, what makes you think he is better off with her? What makes you think she is better off?

 

Theres a reason you didnt trust her. Find that reason and you will have your answer.

[Bounder]

I didnt trust her because i got hurt. But that isnt a guarantee I will or will not again with her, or with anyone else. Maybe she has changed, or had...and now she is reverting to old behaviour to cope. Whatver happened to sticking it out? I wish I had, that we had

[alphonsefa]

Bounder, I've been down this road with a woman that would run to me and then want to be alone, then run to me and want to be alone again. She actually sat in bed and cried Christmas night because I didn't get her a ring and propose to her, mind you the month before she dumped me to go back to a guy that abused her for 6 years and was part of 2 abortions with her, on top of ruining her relationship with her brothers and straining the one with her Parents. We were back together for all of 2 weeks, and she thought I was going to propose, something I had planned on doing before she started pulling her BS. It hurt to see her take what was a great relationship, and spoil it forever. This was a girl that will never be settled with herself, even her sister said that a few weeks ago when I ran into her at a concert. She told me she was at a brithday dinner with her and her now boyfriend. When the guy said goodbye to the sister he said, "this may be the last time we I see you". Man I knew that feeling well! That told me she was up to the same old BS with this guy. I laughed and said, "it's good to know that someone else is on that roller coaster now".

 

This girl basically jumped in bed with another guy a week after you broke up with her. I'm sure she knows that you had trust issues with her, that is evident in her words when she said she would prove that she was in this thing for good. If you really care for someone, and even if they dump you, you don't jump in bed with someone else in a week, you usually cool off for a while and step back. One thing I've learned dealing with the psycho that I dated is that pay no attention to a person's words, when their actions don't back it up. It's so easy to tell someone you love them, it's quite another to have them prove it to you.

 

This chick is a game player and I hate to tell you this but she doesn't love you. And though you can't see it now, you're better off, because this is someone that had no problem hurting you once and she would do it again if given the chance. Ask yourself this, could you have done to her the things she has done to you? I'm guess not, because you sound like you really care for her. So then why would she do these things to you? It was the hardest thing for me to realize that some people just aren't good people. I could kick myself when I look back on the BS my Ex pulled, and sadly I put the blinders on to most of it because I loved her and had glimpses of what she could really be. But like someone else told you here already, people do not change. When someone shows you who they truly are, BELIEVE IT, don't explain it away or sugar coat it. Don't let her bring you down because someone that really cared for you would never do that to you, they'd be doing their best to pick always pick you up.

[Bounder]

I know that. And thank you for your post. I just cant figure out how to deal with all the memories, all the wanting to have something long term I felt before just disappear. Do I tell myself it was a mistake? If so, how do I prevent myself from making it with someone else? I know i wasnt perfect, but i loved her as best I could until i noticed that i wasnt rebuilding my trust. That was my fault, not hers. BUT, i was good to her before, not perfect, and neither was she, but I never quit on her, on us. I dont know why she quit on us so easily, and if she really didnt love me, then how come i couldnt tell?

[tylercdurden2004]

If you look back you probably could tell. I had the luxury last night of looking back over some emails of my ex that I had saved. I saved them because we were in a long distance relationship and I wanted them as proof if it ever came that one of us needed to immigrate.

 

It was great to have everything in writing. None of this thinking back and wondering "did she really say that, did she really feel this way etc etc." I have concrete proof and believe me red flags were staring me in the face, big time.

 

Heres synopsis of my findings.