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I'm so mixed up right now...


ZombieWolf
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Ok. I'll try to make this brief, even though it's a really long and confusing story. I'm sorry, it is kinda long. XD

 

I met this guy, not on a dating site or anything, but on a general forum where people sometimes become regs and of course, get quite pally and all. Everyone on there noticed how we were together in terms of flirting, and chatting and all.

 

Today, after a few months of generally getting to know this guy (he's 17, I'm 20, we're both rediculously inexperienced in terms of relationships, I'm also in college, he's in highschool o_O. He lives in the US, I live in the UK. Silly, but yeah) I've come to really like him. He confesed to liking me a while back, after writing in his online journal about how crushes were stupid and so is hiding them. So I told him that I liked him too, and for a while, things have been ok, we weren't "e-dating" but we were and are kinda close.

 

Recently, I feel like he's holding back with me, and he's aware of that. He says he'll cut back, and I think he does care, just from little things and some pretty neat things that he does.

So I messaged him, told him how much it hurts for him to be so casual and all when he's said all these things like that he likes me, that one day I'll go over there and he'll teach me bass and well you get the idea. He'd say things like "I'm holding you to that" when I mentioned going over there when I could get enough to do that.

 

So his response is a bit surprising. To cut it short, he's cynical of "online relationships" because of a failed one a year ago. On top of that, he doesn't think that it could work because of his family and future situation. His family are slowly breaking down, according to him, and they don't like outsiders or the idea of anyone (as in everyone) "corrupting" their son. He doesn't know where he's going in terms of the future. So he said me going over there would be pointless because of that.

We talked a bit, but no luck solving the issue. He said he couldn't think straight and needed to go play video games to stop thinking, said he was sorry but he couldn't handle anything at that time. So he's off playing computer games and I'm too confused to not think about all that's gone on these past few months.

It feels like he's done a U-turn. I figured that he wanted the same thing as me, for me to go over there and be with him. He's always said that he cares and all. =/

I can't help but think there's more to this.

I care about him, and if I had a chance, I'd go out there and meet him. That seems lame, but it's true. >_

 

I keep telling him all I want is for him to cut the games.

I am angry, too. I don't see why he started all this if he's going to turn around and act like some kind of loser guy. My history with guys isn't that good, to be honest, I have yet to come accross a guy who won't let me down or mislead me. =/

So of course, this is yet another kick in the teeth. I wasn't expecting this to happen. It's kind of hit me hard. I need to snap out of it because things like this send me right down, I can feel it happening again.

 

I'm hurting right now and I guess what I'm asking is for some kind of advice or input from people who can see this objectively. I'm cut up right now, and kind of wishing that I couldn't feel a thing. Emotions seem to cause more harm than good. -_-

 

p.s. No-one else knows about this, so I'm even more isolated and alone than usual right now. I'm kinda scared because there's no-one. I can feel the tears wanting to come, but I can't let go because I feel like I won't be able to stop. =(

A few months back, after a similar situation with a guy (not online, a college friend who turned out to be nothing but a stoner and a would-be user had I let him have his way, I actually loved this guy) I basically started self-harming. Not badly, but it was the only way to block out the pain and at the same time, punish myself for things that.. I dunno... I can't even name them.

I know it's stupid, but when you end up crying yourself to sleep every night, or laying there thinking "What's the point in all of this?" somehow that just stops me from thinking and centres the pain elsewhere. -_-

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You need counselling in order to deal with you cutting issues, that's one.

Second , there's a whole lot in your behaviour that is absolutely wrong.

 

On-line relationships do NOT work. If one person doesn't come to move location and to permantly live with that other person, then you two might as wel consider yourself as separated. Another problem is that you can never see what the other person is doing, so you can never check up on that person to see what's really going on.

 

My advice is to search for a guy near your inner circle of reach. That's far more realistic then some guy half accross the globe. The problem is your lifestyle, thinking you get a great guy behind the computer is just a fairy tale, it doesn't happen that way.

 

You really need to get yourself away from that chair and computer, go out and search for that needle in a haystack, or in other words its gonna take effort to find that guy that you like, instead of like you think that its going to fly into your arms behind your computer.

 

But even before that you are not mentally stable enough to be in a relationship to begin with, i want you to see a counceller first foremost, i want you to get stability in your life, i don't want you to cut anymore, rather then that i want you to invest that energy into solving the real problems in your life, you see a problem remains a problem till the end of time until you solve it. Cutting yourself is only a symptom suppressor and not a problem solver.

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I agree about the whole fairy tale bit. It's just difficult. Even though he's in reality a stranger, I feel like I know him quite a bit, even online. That's quite lame, I know.

 

I guess it's just easier for me to control things online, or so I thought. Now I'm thinking, how did I end up here being manipulated and confused like this. More importantly, why do I care so much?

 

W T * @ me lately. =/

 

The cutting wasn't major, it didn't leave scars and all, but it scares me that I was capable of inflicting that on myself just because it helped with avoiding the pain inside.

 

My main problem is that guys just exhaust me. Every time I think I've found one, (yes, even this one -_-) it's like they go out of their way to mislead me, and always, always they let me down.

I've come not to trust them. This last one is leaving my faith in men and people hanging by a thread.

 

I'm still talking to the guy, and it's like our little revelations yesterday didn't happen. He's a coward, and a child, when it comes to this stuff. Maybe it's wrong of me to even ask all this, but nothing I have said to him was uncalled for. He is the instigator here, I was just stupid enough not to cut this short before it got like this.

 

I tried seeing a counseller before the end of college, a few months back. I couldn't mention the cutting, I did figure out that my mother controls me and my family are suffocating me. My issues with guys, fears and all, weren't even touched upon.

 

If I'm honest, I feel physically ill when I'm sat there with strangers trying to get in my head. -_-

 

I just want to be able to switch off, but I don't know how.

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I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he is a child. Because thats exactly what he is.

 

You are an adult pressuring a child.You have adult needs and adult issues which at 17 he has no clue about. No wonder he feels the need to remove himself from you and play games, he really is a child at 17 even if sometimes he talks like a man.

 

Be a grown-up here and leave him alone, he's out of his depth. If you care anything about him, you will seek help and not blame this boy for becoming afraid of you. It was a bit of light fun at first which is turning into some black monster for him. His sense of emotional safeness around you is dwindling and I am pretty sure, he will disappear on you soon. Be wise and end it first. Robowarrior is right you should seek help for your cutting.

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