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has anyone been through this?


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Hi Folks. I need to know if anyone has been through what I am going through,

and if they have any advice (I am sure someone has!) This is going to be a little long, but the background is important I think. I am almost 40. My ex is

37. I have an out lesbian since I was 18. She is bisexual (although would not

ever classifly herself as that...she hates the idea of a label) Anyway,

we were together 7 years. She has a son , he is now 17. She is not comfortable

in an out lesbian relationship. When we first met I tried to be understanding of this, since I was her first serous realtionship with a woman. She did not want to tell her son and she wanted to....ease...everyone into this. Well,

needless to say, we lived in the closet (and remember I had already been out for many years) This almost killed me, she would flirt with guys all the time, I never felt secure. I helped to raise her son, but he considered me the Nanny

and not the step parent. There were allot of lies, and allot of pain. Her

family is very disfunctional as well. Her Mother commited sucide when she

was 10, her Father molested her and her deaf sister and has always hid himself IRL behind being a christian. She had a car accident 10 years ago

in which her niece was killed. (she was driving and cited for the wreck)

Her other niece who was also in the car, has grown up really messed up, drugs, etc. they were very close to their Aunt. Anyway, she has issues.

As the years progressed I began to feel used, and ashamed of myself for letting me feel like I was not worth being proud to be with. 3 years ago I tried to OD. But...I went back, this time I THOUGHT on my terms...but really

it wasn't that I didn't still love her and want to be with her, it was just that I couldn't take anymore and didn't know what to do. Anyway, about nine

weeks ago, she went off to the beach. (she never wanted to leave me alone, she was very jealous, although I never gave her reason...I think it was becuase she may have been running around with guys some of the time)

Anyway, I was supposed to come down a few days later, I did that, but

I found some evidence that she had been doing some drugs and that she had been with some guys. I told her I was leaving, I brought her (our son)

home with me because he wanted to go. (just to be with his friends...he

is a teenager) So I stayed 2 more days at the house waiting for her to come home, because I had him) And then, I left.

Like I said that was 9 weeks ago. This hurts SO bad. We satrted NC 2 weeks ago,I think she dating a guy now. That is killing me, what was I?

I made her finally return my cells phones when she ran the bill up way high,

and the day she got new ones, she did not give me either of their numbers!

I put her though school, and I helped her raise him. I spend more time with that boy then either of this parents did in the last 7 years..homework,

games, sickness everything parents do. I did. She lost her job, I supported

us, the three of us. (His Dad has talked to him maybe 5 times in 7 years)

Encougaged her to go back to school, which she did, and now she has a great job...

I'm upset, I am angry, I am broken hearted...

I feel like I have lost a child. He knew about the two of us, even though

she didn't tell him, but he used to tell her he did not want her to be gay..

and he would run away. He is very spoiled.

I could go on for days, you get the idea...please help.

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Well I have not been through this myself, however 4 major issues are at play in your post which makes me think the relationship is doomed:

 

Lying

Cheating

Abandonment

Addiction

 

Regardless of whether it is a lesbian/bisexual/straight...whatever kind of relationship, cheating is cheating and is never "right" (whether it's with a man or a woman). She's cheated on you with men.

 

She's lied about your relationship- which may be more common in a gay relationships if one party is afraid to "come out"....but you can only be so patient with someone if it's been YEARS and they won't be happy to be with you or even admit the nature of the relationship. Something has got to give.... From what you've written here, she never made you a priority in that she never made your relatrionship "official" to the outside world.

 

-And her running off and doing drugs only makes things worse. I know this is not what you want to hear, but you are best to cut all ties with this woman and her son. Continue No Contact. She has too many deep-rooted problems that you can't fix.

 

You deserve someone who is proud to be with you and who will treat you with respect. I don't think you could ever change her- so it's best to stop worrying about her and focus on your own life and your own happiness so you will be better equipped to share it with the right person when they come along.

 

BellaDonna

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Belladonna, Thanks. I agree, and that is why as much as I love them both,

I finally found the courage to leave. But that is not to say that I do not love

and miss them, very much. Especally him, it really isn't his fault that his Mom

has always given him his way and never really wanted to "upset him". True it

has made him a spoiled bratty child, but, regardless, I love him like he was my own. I have no rights, I can't see him. I can't do anything with reagrd to them at all. I am picking up the pieces, but it is so hard. I just wondered if anyone else feel so in love with someone elses child from a gay relationship

and eneded up loosing them. I thank you very much for taking the time to send me the words of truth and of encouragement that I so need right now!

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