Do I expect too much?

[Smile_83]

I have been with my bf for a little over three months. He is a very busy person who works night shift in the hospital and has his own business as well. The hospital is short staffed right now and that means that he works about 6-7 days a week. (It has been like that for the past 2 months, and might go on for another 2 months). He tells me that he misses me, but unless I bring up the question of when we're going to see each other, he does not mention anything. (I haven't said anything for two weeks, and he hasn't mentioned anything). I asked him if he's ashamed to be seen with me in public, so he invited me out for dinner to show that he's not ashamed or anything like that. If I wouldn't mention anything I wonder if he would ever suggest going anywhere.

I felt bad a couple of times that he's always so busy so I went out of my way to see him, in other words to have dinner with him, I took 2 trains to get home that evening. We live about 40 miles apart but I work about 5 miles from where he lives. He tells me that he really appreciates when I come, and he cooks for me. We talk on the phone at least twice a day, but when we started going out he came to see me at work, even though he missed his nap, but now he doesn't do that anymore. When I asked about that he says that if I need something he will come. Should I stop suggesting of going anywhere and wait until he suggest anything? Does it seems that I expect too much by wantong to spend some time with him in person about once every week, or every other week?

[NJRon]

If that is what you expect, then I don't think that those expectations are wrong for you. Personally, I don't think I could handle having a relationship with someone that was so busy with their job(s) that they couldn't see me. It's not a long distance relationship you're in.

 

Everyone has expectations for a relationship that need to be met. Sometimes, even reasonable expectations can't be met. I think it may be good for you to outline your expectations and discuss them with him. You two need to have a meeting of the minds here.

 

Sometimes expectations can be changed. But don't change your expectations if doing so will just put you in a relationship where you are feeling unfulfilled. Don't stay in a relationship that doesn't meet your heartfelt realistic expectations. But, let him know what they are and give him time to meet them or let you know that he can't.

[Momene]

At 3 months you should both have some idea of whether you want to continue or not. If yes, then he should see about working less to make some time to be with you. If he can't or won't, ditch him.

[Massari]

I can completely see where your coming from. as a guy in a relationship who is not busy at all and my gf is the busy one i have the same issue. I find myself being the one who initiates everything and her answer is "no I love you and miss you just as much, but if you were as busy as me you would underastand" I tried not to mention this again cause I know I would sound needy and clingy and its gonna ruin everything. you mentioned you just see him once a week??! well for us its definitely better its more like everyother day. I dunno how can he not want to see you often I mean I know he is buys and all but he could make time for you cause I am sure he has time to hang out with his friends and all am I right?

[annie24]

To be honest with you.... I don't think things are going well. At least given my experiences. When things are going well, there is a 50/50 division of us calling and asking each other out. Towards the end of my last few relationships, I noticed that I was the only one calling and asking the my bfs out. They would say "yes" if I called, but I noticed that I was the one who was doing all the asking out. Soon after, those relationships ended (by them).

 

So.... I think you can be super duper busy and still find time to spend with a person. And you would think that since he is so busy, that he would be the one making sure to schedule dates with you far in advance, so to make sure he would see you.

 

Right now, it seems like you are the one carrying the relationship. listen to your gut feelings. if you feel like he is "hiding" you, he likely is.

[DN]

I would try distancing yourself a little and see what happens. Not as in playing a game but just to see what his reaction is. If he doesn't react (or even notice) then I think you will have all the answer you need.

[annie24]

yes, I have done what DN has recommended, and I found that gave me the answer I needed also.

[Smile_83]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your opinions.

[Massari]

I would try distancing yourself a little and see what happens. Not as in playing a game but just to see what his reaction is. If he doesn't react (or even notice) then I think you will have all the answer you need.

 

what DN said is so right but I am in your boat as well and its hard to do that when you love someone so much. like you want to not make that phone call but it seems virtually impossible..

[eschaton]

Its almost like i am that guy, because im in almost the same situation.

 

Sex is for the guy as support is for the woman.

 

Sure a guy would love to run around getting as much sex as he could without having to support anyone.

 

Woman would like to be in platonic relationships where they are taken care of.

 

Make no mistake. They are in a realationship and she is using him.

 

Talk to him, see if you can spend more time with him. The important thing is to see if you can spend time together but make no mistake he is in a relationship and your seeing if he is ready to move on. Thats all. He is not ready to start another one yet. Not with you. Don't persue this too hard. its likely he is going to end up with this other girl. But if he is ready to move on he will end this first one. Meaning he wont have room in his life to see her and take care of her.

 

The "best frind" in my life? I will not see her again after she moves out. Ive already made myself the promise i pray god i stick to it or my life will be hell.

 

edit:

when i first saw your post i was really floored because i thought the girl i was dating logged in and posted. but there are a few differences. she is further away than 40 miles.

[monkey1]

You know, what's he do in the hosptial? I think one of the things about dating someone who works in a hosptial, or is a firefighter, a cop or any other job which can become very busy (media) and are open around the clock, people who are in relationships with those people have to have some kind of understanding and patiences about it.

 

Some people want more and sometimes the partner is unable to because of their job.

 

I was actually just talking to my closes friends about this, about her wanting to still get a job as a news reporter. they get crazy hours and shifts and when there's a news break or huge story, it's reported to death which means the news station calling avaliable reports to come in, no matter what time it is.

 

Partners need to know what they're getting themselves into and some people can't handle it. People have to be ok with it for it to work. Sure you can't totally neglect their partner, but at the same time, know that their job is demanding at times.

 

I think you should talk to your boyfriend about your concerns and see what he says. He may be unable to make enough time for you right now because of work, but that's gotta be something you're ok with. If you can't, then maybe it might not work out for you both.