PLEASE give me some advice on how I could *try* to get him back!

[missmebaby]

my ex and I just broke up after being together for 1 year. we had SO much in common and he was seriously everything i looked for a in a guy. we were so happy together, we both couldnt believe how amazing things were at the beginning of our relationship, he said he never met a girl like me and he finally found the girl he was looking for. well at about 6 months he wanted to take a break from me because we were fighting alot and starting to drift apart. well i was completely heartbroken and devastated and like an idiot i called him all the time and cried and pleaded with him that things would be different if we got back together. well for about a week he just kept insisting that things were over and we were done but suddenly one day he called me and said how much he missed me and realized that he thought about me all the time and wanted to be with me. well we got back together and for about 4 months things were even better than before, we had some amazing times together and we were so happy and even started talking about the future. then things started to change and we began fighting alot again, mostly because he started to ignore me when he was around his friends and he didnt think he was doing anything wrong. i guess he started to think i was a nag and got sick of me.

 

well he ended up breaking up with me a week ago. the reason he gave me was that "im sick of the fighting and i dont think we can ever make it work, we're getting sick of each other, and i just feel like i cant trust you." (ive NEVER given him any reason to not trust me.) i tried to take everyone's advice and just ignore him. i thought it worked because he actually called me like 3 days later and asked if he could come get his stuff, then when he got here he was asking me what ive been doing and saying he wished it didnt have to be this way and was asking me if i met any new guys yet. so the next day i call him, and hes a totally different person. he just doesnt seem to want anything to do with me. so i ignore him for another couple days , then text message him and he calls me later that night and once again acts like he still cares about me and asks if ive met any guys or anything and asks me what ive been up to lately. so i tell him that one of his friends is trying to get me to go out with him and he gets very jealous and angry and calls me like 3 times that day to keep asking me about it. then he calls me the next day to once again ask me if i was still talking to his friend and this time i started to ask him about us and if there was any chance we would get back together. he told me he still has feelings for me but doesnt really want to get back together. when i asked him why he just said because it would never work, we'll never stop fighting. then i start saying things like ive realized what ive done wrong and things would change between us. we will go out together and have a great time and u can be with your friends all you want. but he just doesnt seem to believe me and he says "no things will never change, you will always want me to give you all the attention. im going out and having fun with my friends right now and i know if you were around u would just get mad if i talked to them." (so basically i know hes thinking i got annoying and i was a nag and complained too much.) so i keep on trying to convince him that it wouldnt be like that but it doesnt seem to be working so i just said well think about it ok? and then we both hung up.

 

i just dont know what to do! i want to convince him that things would change for the better because i know they would! ive realized what i have to do and i would do it. we're both young (im 20, hes 21) so i know we should go out and have fun like we used to do at the beginning of our relationship and thats what it would be like if we got back together but he just doesnt think it will. what should i do to try to get him back?? is there anyway that i can convince him or show him that things would be different?? he says that he wants the old me back, the one at the beginning of the relationship that was fun and who he got along with. is there any way i can show him that thats who i really am, and who im going to be from now on?? is there anyway i can convince him to give us one more try? because alls i need is one more chance to show him how things are really going to be! i cant let this guy go...we have too much in common and hes everything i ever wanted in a guy, ive never been ina relationship like the one we had, theres not many relationships out there that was as great as ours and not many people were as good together as we were. so i just cant let this go! please give me some advice on how i could make things better again and make him realize what hes throwing away.

[DN]

Tell him that you would like to try the relationship again but this time manage the relationship with negotiation and compromise - and to find a different way of resolving conflicts without fighting.

 

Tell him that you realise the old way of fighting and arguing never solves anything and you know a different and better way can be found.

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome to eNotalone.

 

I am sorry to read about your breakup. I see a couple of issues in your situation that I would like to point out.

 

1. You mentioned that you and him spent all your time together. That is where things went wrong. That is why you fought so much, you spent every waking hour with one another. Have you ever noticed if you spend too much time with a close friend and by the end, you are at each other's throats, ready to pull your hair out? Well, the same thing happened between you and your ex. You need time away from each other, to re-charge, to be your own person. Your ex was right, it was wrong of you to nag him about hanging out with his friends, like you needed his attention ALL the time. He felt smothered and probably felt you were like his mother than his girlfriend.

 

Did/do you hang out with your girlfriends while you were dating him? Did you engage in your hobbies or interests? Or did you make him your priority all the time and gave up matters just to be with him? If that is the case, you completely lost yourself in the relationship. You made him responsible for your happiness and you cannot do that, YOU are responsible for your own happiness.

 

2. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT change in order to keep someone around or keep the relationship. It is manipulative and your ex sees that at this point. Change for yourself and yourself ONLY.

 

He keeps calling you and checking up on you because he is out of his comfortzone by not being with you. I am sure he still cares but it is not enough. I would do complete no contact, when he texts and asks about your life, it is none of his business, HE is the one whom broke up with you....TWICE. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. Take what happened in the relationship as a learning experience and learn from your mistakes. You are right, you are 20...very young to be bogged down in one relationship. The 20s is an extremely volitle decade and many many changes will occur in the next 8-10 years. BELIEVE ME. I am nothing like I was at 20, I don't think the same way, I see the world completely different due to the life experiences shaping me though out the way and life continues to do for me, it is an unending process. The same will happen for you.

 

I am so sorry about the pain you are feeling. Hang in there and post here as often as you need to, there is a ton of support here.

 

(((hugs)))

[brando]

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Go on living your life, enjoying everything you do, go out with friends and have fun.

 

Their is no formula to winning back someones heart.

 

You can do as DN suggested,and then see how they respond, after laying it out on the line though, that is about all one can do, the rest of course is up to the other party.

 

 

be well,

brando