Best way to phrase it?

[sillygurl]

Hello everyone,

 

Thought maybe someone out there might be able to advise me on this...

I am going to see my ex tomorrow night. Bluntly, I need to figire out a way to tell him that I'm not interested in being intimate without a committment.

(sorry if that's too blunt!) I have to stay over, and there isn't really an available couch...and I don't want to hurt his feelings or start some big long, drawn-out conversation about the relationship, so I have to be careful how I say it. As he is actually rather sensitive about being rejected, he might think I find him unattractive now and take it personally.

 

We'd been together for a year, and recently broke it off about a month ago, really due more to stress than anything else. He doesn't talk much, I took it as secretive, we stressed each other out over this too much. To add to that, we've been living under extremely stressful conditions in the last year, so its been a rocky road. I know he still has feelings for me, and I for him... I'm just not sure what to do. Any advice would be very appreciated!

 

Thanks!

[lady00]

Who broke it off and how do you know he will want to be intimate? Have you discussed getting back together?

[Jayar]

I would DEFINITELY not stay with him, or put yourself in a position to even have that conversation. Sorry if it complicates things, but a hotel for yourself (if the relationship was a long distance one) is definitely in order.

 

As an aside, assuming he broke it off (since you're the one here asking for advice) why isn't HE coming into YOUR town and paying for HIS own hotel room? That would be the way to work it if you ever think you might want him back...

 

As for the conversation, it's definitely 100% best not to have it. But if you do, then to answer your question I'd word it something like, "I truly respect you and myself and our relationship so much that I feel a physical expression of it wouldn't be right without the emotional investment and commitment. I know you understand..."

[sillygurl]

Thanks, both of you.

 

I have to apologize to lady00, I wrote out a reply but I guess I didn't post it properly. To answer your questions, I know he'll want to be "intimate" because we are every time we see each other, lol! Niether of us broke it off, it's rather frustrating in that we just didn't discuss it... we'd had a really bad argument some weeks ago, and made up the next day...things were a little strained at times, but generally OK, so I thought it was b/c we were both under a lot of stress. Then I found out he had a girl staying with him for the weekend, about two weeks later! I was completely shocked and asked how he could hide something so huge from his girlfriend and was completely shocked that I thought I was still his girlfriend. Nice, huh? It was humiliating! Worse yet, she just sat there and looked at me with this smirk on her face... I wanted to slap her! I sobbed and sobbed... Even now, almost a month later, thinking about it feels like getting punched in the stomach.

 

A few days later I saw him out at a place he knew I'd be...seeing him made me mentally re-live the whole experience. Awful! I felt like such an idiot!!! I should have seen it coming... I called him the next evening, removing every trace of kindness from my voice (not like me at all) to tell him I that hoped he could avoid going to places where he knew I'd be as I wanted nothing to do with him nor his drama for a while. He was really surprised, he'd never been rejected by me before and was really upset about it. So initially I guess the breakup was more his idea, and now it's more mine.

 

More has happened since then (but I'll save the boring details) and I know we both still have feelings for each other, but that we're both unsure. We've had two mini breakups in the past that lasted less than 30 minutes, and one that lasted 4 days. This time, I don't know what will happen. I've tried pulling back, and it has definitely renewed his interest in spending time with me! (yes people, NC does work!!!) But I'm not sure I can get over how betrayed I feel that he lied about this girl staying with him, and I definitely want to be treated with more respect if we do get back together.

Any thoughts, forum??

 

Thanks!

[sillygurl]

Jayar:

 

Oops- Too bad I didn't see your post till after I'd already left for the trip, that was very good advice! Thank you for giving it. I was going out there for a trip I needed to take, he was just catching a ride with me. Staying over was to save me making the whole trip in one day, sorry I didn't explain that too well, I'm trying not to write to much and bore people.

 

Forgot to tell what happened-- I stayed with him, fell into his arms, and fell into his bed... I sound like a fool, and I hope I don't regret it... but let me tell you people, NC works!!! Not having spoken to him in almost two weeks, I guess it gave him a chance to miss me. From the minute I walked in the door, I felt like we were closer than we'd been in a few months!

 

Here's what else happened, in case anyone is wondering: I tried my hardest to keep the conversation light and upbeat, (rather than depressing, like I have been the last few months) not talk too much (I tend to ramble endlessly about nothing) laugh a lot, and keep my head held high and exhude the confidence and self assuredness I ued to have before I turned into the whiny, pathetic "take me back, I beg of you!!!" girl that I had been becoming before our final fight. My goal was to remind him that I could still be the fun, confident girl I used to be before he started getting bored and pulling back. He seemed to really enjoy our time together, he didn't get moody or broody like he'd been getting when we were together. We see each other this weekend to take another trip together, so I'm going to try and NC as much as possible until then, in the hopes that my distance makes him all the more eager for my company.

 

...crossing my fingers...