NEED HELP getting back to normal

[skate]

I've posted my story all over the place to a point I am a little tired of writing it all again, but basically I went thru a period of healing and getting over my ex but then he came crawling back (when i wasn't ready for him and dating someone new). I told him some reasons why we could be back together...but silly emotional me can't take my own advice and wanted him back again. He since then said 3 things: I don't want to break up your relationship, i should see someone else (he is inexperienced and feels he needs to know), and that it wasn't the right time. I've since had to restart the healing all over again. I feel there has not been progress. If you search my name and posts there is a blurb about my recent story.

 

Basically I feel he has not completely let me go. The first time round he said that he'd hoped we would be apart for a year get over each other and then get back together to try again. He came asking for me exactly a year later. So then after i rejected him, then stupidly wanted him back again he said (thru my begging for reasons) that he (although didn't want to admit) still had some small hope for us.

 

So here I am...we are on speaking terms again, i have no more bitterness or anger, am dealing with my own issues about relationships and just trying to be friends w/ him. Unfortunately i broke down and let him know that thru email. At one point last year when I was getting over him I was actually feeling that we were meant to be just friends. I don't know how to get to that point again.

 

So far i have seen him a few times and it has been very friendly on my side but he still shows affection and attraction. It makes me wonder, hope and hurt as well. I feel that he still has feelings for me, but b/c he doesn't want to it to be the same as before and wants to be sure he is not wasting my time and be sure about me for marriage he will hold back from being w/ me. I am afraid he feels he really needs to date someone else to be sure about me (b/c i drilled this in his head for so long). He never gave me the impression he was feeling the "grass is greener on the other side", more that he doesn't ever want to lead me on.

 

I've since learned that it is more important to have a loving relationship that pressuring each other and having expectations on how someone should feel or act when in love.

 

I am having a lot of trouble right now w/ that whole NC thing. He has been away on business for over a week. the day b4 he left he offered to fix something at my house (that took him 4 hrs) while i was at work, he called me numerous times thruout the day to tell me how things were, if i was happy w/ it and then later if he could see me for a bit b4 leaving. he has been giving little signals that i "feel" are more than friends, like he is feeling me out right now. He told me when he was trying to get me back, he wanted it to be a fresh start, but i argued w/ him that i wanted him to be 100% about me...but w/ what happened the last six mo of our relationshiop (lack of spark, things not as great) i think he could not give me that certainty.

 

So here I am, he said that he would email me when he was away but never did Part of me realizes that he is probably busy, like he as always been his whole life, w/ lots of responsibilities, part of me also remembers how he was like this last year (saying he would like to call me next week and never doing it) but then eventually still wanted me back. But part of me is scared that there really is nothing more. I try to rationalize b/c i compare him to others and how i think someone should act if they love someone, but he has never been like others emotionally.

 

I guess i am just writing this thread to get out the emotions having too much time to "think" and trying to control my urge to contact him. I don't want to call him (he is back today), i want him to contact me first, which i'm sure he will.

 

I just need help trying to not hope so much and hurting myself. So far we have only met a few times so maybe it is too early to judge whether to just give up or not. I just am looking for support on getting thru the hard times and how to view things as a friendship again. PLEASE opinions and advice would be great!

 

Thanks

[rose2summer]

Do NOT contact him! It's best to follow no contact and let YOU heal. Don't be concerned about a friendship until 6mo to 1yr from now. You need to let yourself heal and that will only hold you back. Stop excepting his calls, emails, etc. and instead work on enjoying your life to the fullest without him.

[skate]

well the thing is it has been over a year and a half...it has been quite a bit of time.

[skate]

i guess i will just continue posting here to help myself get thru the hard times. Better than contacting him, right? I seem to go thru a rollercoaster of emotions thru-out the days. It's so hard to get thru the days for me and i try so hard to not think about it. So far the last week or so i have not been too bad as i don't cry as much. I think the most difficult part for me is trying to deal w/ my own issues of not being able to control my life and have a family. I have to reevaluate what i want and realize that there are other things that can bring me joy and what the good things are about being single and "relatively" young. It's hard being a girl and feeling that you are ready to settle down now and having that baby clock ticking. I know it can be old fashioned and there is a lot of other things to live for, but I am still going thru the stage of realizing that now.

It hurts to know that my ex decided not to make the effort to email me like he said...but it's been so long since we've broken up I guess he's used to that now. It's hard, b/c i think back to all the times when we were together and question whether he actually wanted to do thing when he was with me or felt that he just had to. I wonder if he thinks it's nice to not have to answer to anyone now.

I will try my hardest to not contact him or initiate things w/ him. however I don't think i want to ignore him. We kinda came to an "understanding" that we will be friends and i don't want him questioning me why i don't answer his calls or ignore his emails so that I have to say that it's b/c I am still hurt. I will try not to jump at his every call and do my own thing, but to ignore him would be unfriendly. Then to tell him my reasons would lead him to believe I am still not progressing. Like he told me that he will always be my friend and be there for me not matter who or what is in the way, I want to be strong enough to do that for him.

Sigh....i don't know...it seems i am setting myself for more pain but i don't know how to handle it now...i know that eventually I will make the decision to let it die and pull away from him, but i guess i can't handle it completely now. I did it one time last year so I know i can do it again.

I think i am going thru depression right now

[stolenshadow]

Hello, it's of course better to use this forum than to e-mail your ex to let your feelings out.

 

It's not easy to walk away from a situation you thought was "safe", a guy with whom you could start a family and have a part of your life "sorted" in a way, but no bad situation is worth that feeling, in the long term the effects are worse to deal with.

 

I understand perfectly how you want to stay friends with your ex so he can see how strong you are, but by walking away you wouldn't be weak. Some people like to remain friends with an ex with hopes of them seeing changes and all, if that's what they decide and goes with their own timing it's not too bad, but only when nobody is being strung along or the "waiting" has no time limit, in your case your ex keeps wanting to see what "is out there" which is not only selfish and immature but a huge red flag saying "This guy is not worth it".

 

It's not a crime to change your mind, you don't have to tell him your reasons either, just cut him out of your life, do it slowly if you think it's easier, and really, what he is doing to you IS unfriendly, for whatever reason this relationship didn't work, I think it's best to let go before you give him more time only to end with the exact same result.

 

I think maybe you weren't meant to be friends, you had a relationship, that cycle ended, the best you can do is close it, there are more things ahead for you.

[skate]

why can't i let go? IT's those nagging thoughts that keep coming into my mind. He never ever gave me reasons that he wanted to leave to find someone better cuz it wasn't so great w/ me anymore (grass is greener), but that he just doesn't want to have any doubts w/ me. This was the big reason for the breakup, his doubts before marriage. I was his first real gf. Also, this whole time apart he hasn't dated anyone. Although very relunctantly, in one of our last convos months ago, he said that he still had some hope for us. Also that he would never want to lead me on. He is trying to do all the right things in a breakup. I can't be mad at him b/c he is being selfish cuz he needs to do what is good for him and he doesn't want to hurt me by continuing to be w/ me when he is unsure. These were the things he expressed months ago that i could not clearly understand till now.

Now, I don't know how he feels anymore, but it's those few times we spent together that he obviously expressed something more than friends that confuse me. And seeing as it's been so long after our breakup I can't imagine it is that lonely feeling anymore.

What does it mean when he says "don't cut me out of your life" and cries when I try to return all his old stuff? Why would he initiate hugging me so many times, express obvious physical attraction, put his arm around me and make me lean on his shoulder? Why would he offer to do all these things for me, ask me if i want to go for lunch some time and talk like "we'll do this next time" or "we have to do this.." like there is certainly going to be a next time.

It's those times when there is contact b/w us that i'm pretty sure he still cares for me and thinks highly of me, and finds me attractive still. It's like i'm instantly back in his life. But it's those times that he doesn't contact me that I get confused and then i feel he is just being nice to me as a friend and doing things b/c he feels sorry for me or thinks i need him to be helpful or affectionate.

A year ago he would act the same about calling and emailing, asking if he could call me next week or saying that he would contact me but never doing it. I thought those were clear signs that it was over. All these things he did i thought wwere clear signs. Then he came back asking for me!?! I'm not saying that he necessarily will now, but i guess i am trying to make myself feel better about him having not emailing me at all on his trip like he said and having still not contacting me since he has been back.

I have nothing else to go by....i know i have to not contact him...if he doesn't contact me in the next week or so, i will be leaving on holiday for a week or so...then i guess there is nothing i can do. I wish i could just stop thinking about him. I "think" the crying spells & wasteful moping are slightly better these days though...

[vandgsmom]

Oh, what is normal anyway, but some unrealistic expectation that we place on ourselves to try and fit in to everyone elses idea of how we should be feeling or reacting to a thing....

 

As far as I can tell, you are pretty darn Normal to me. You had your heart broken. You were strung along. And now he is back in your life just enough to keep you from moving on with your life. It hurts. It hurts like hell, it makes you cry, it makes you want to crawl under your bed to hide until the bad feelings go away.

 

That seems pretty normal to me.

 

. I "think" the crying spells & wasteful moping are slightly better these days though...

 

See, time (and just a whole week, too!) is already making you better, and your upcoming holiday will speed you right down the road to relationship recovery too. Drop the procrastinator. You will never be able to make him into something he isn't. Find yourself a guy who thinks that you are his own personal sun to revolve around.

 

You are tough, you are stong, and you are intelligent enough to get through this. Hold out the NC a little longer and you will be over the hump.

 

Good Luck!

[stolenshadow]

Because he needs you, you give him something nobody else has been able to, but he's so immature he keeps stringing you along instead of doing something with that.

 

The question here is, does he give you everything you need?, and it's not about "can he give you..." it's a "now" thing.

 

If he is not offering what you want then dump him and don't look back, if after so long he's not ready to give and can only take I believe it's never going to change.

[skate]

So i promised myself to not contact him. But what if he finally comes around this next little while and contacts me? I "think" that he will b/c he was talking like he would.

Part of me wants to believe that i was something really special to him. He is very good looking, intelligent, and has a great personality...a good catch. But of all his years, and since the time we broke up he never was with a girl longer than a month. He used to make me feel special b/c i was the only girl that captured his heart. I'm not quite sure why he does not date more than he should...maybe he is picky, b/c there are plenty of girl attracted to him, but they always seem like not enough for him to want to go after.

Sigh, but part of me also believes all that was BS. He never really was the type of guy to chase girls for some reason, so maybe cuz i initiated at the beginning is why we were together...it's so hard to understand why someone would throw away 5 yrs....you start to question if they ever really did love you.

I don't know what i should do if he contacts me...i guess like what everyone says is ignore it....i always thought of myself as a strong person, but feel like such a weakling w/ my love for him.

[pacopaco]

Last week, she called me all weekend long. On sunday she asked to come over, I told her i was in my mode here at home, and no thanks. during that weekend she said two things to me. I asked her why she was still holding on to me. she said she couldn't let me go. She cheated on me. the second thing she said to me was that she isn't dealing with things because she is a coward, preferring not to think about what happened. Coming from someone who hurt me so, I believe that. I'm at the point where i believe she is lost to herself and has emotional issues that werein her heart long before we even met. Actually, i know that for sure as we've known each other for ten years. what is going on? why can't she keep to the NC rule? I've been doing well, but as deeply as i loved her, i don't think anymore that she is for me.

[skate]

ugh...well here's the deal...he finally called me last sunday but he actually ended up returning from his trip 2 days later. I guess he just called to talk and see how i was the last few weeks and he even brough me back a small gift. I just don't understand him. Why bother even getting me something? I guess he just cares about me still.

 

he insisted he help get something that i needed fixed and said he would call me the next day. There was some talk about what i was doing the next day (usually i play on a team mondays but it was not happening this week) and about him wanted to stop by one day to give me my gift.

 

So he calls the next day talking as if it was clear he was going to stop by my place after he went home to fix my thing. I told him that i was not free as i forgot i had an appointment and seeing as he had not officially arranged a time w/ me. He asked about the next day and i said i was also not free. I guess i was kinda cold, but i just didn't know how to act. In return he seemed cold, or maybe he just didn't care and said ok, next time then, i'll just see you on msn (which he doesn't go on at all unless he has something to say to me). I felt kinda bad after hanging up, cuz i thought i was rude so txt msged him thanks and if i could just pick up the stuff to fix myself. He didn't even reply. I called after i was done to see if i could just pick it up and he didn't answer. Finally later on at night i msged again to ask if he was upset and that it would nice if he could respond just so i could arrange a time to pick it up. He only replied saying he is not upset at all and that he was going to sleep early.

 

Sigh...i guess i screwed up and sounded needy? I was just trying to behave like i would w/ any friend if i thought i was rude. Why would he assume i would be waiting for him and he could just come over? I thought he was angry at me for getting him to pick up the stuff to fix and me saying i had no time and not thanking him...i guess i sorta brushed him off.

 

I'm upset cuz i shouldn't have let him insist on buying the part to fix my thing cuz now i need it and am stuck waiting on his schedule.

 

I get the feeling he wants to stop by to see me so that's why he has ignored my offer to pick it up. But why bother? Why after not wanting to contact me for 2 weeks while he was away? I guess he is just used to it as it has been 1.5 yrs. I thought even as a friend he was quite rude to me yesterday for not even responding to my attempts to offer to pick up the stuff from him. I feel a little angry even.

 

It sucks that i overanalyze every action he does...i hate it...i know i will come to a breaking point where i will need to cut him off...but i guess i am not ready

 

what should i do? i just want to get the stuff from him and get it over with. part of me wants to cut him out but part of me doesn't want him to know that i am still hurting so badly...it's not fair.

[stolenshadow]

You didn't screw up, conversations with ex's are never easy, (that's why most people here recommend NC) after each episode both sides are probably left wondering a million things and then contact becomes lots of hard work, exhausting and worse than not talking at all.

 

You will know when it's time to let go, many of us needed a long time (and a lot of extra suffering) before being ready, so when you think it's a good idea to close the chapter you just set the time and day to get your things and stop answering his calls.

 

It's hard but moving forward is the best option.

And it gets better, you won't feel this bad for long.

[skate]

well he is stopping by today to drop off the stuff for me. As hard as i insisted on just picking it up and fixing it myself he insisted otherwise. It will be a short visit b/c we both have something to do afterwards. I will see how he treats me. I have to act super friendly and like I'm happy. I'm so afraid that he can see thru me. After that I will desperately need help from this forum to not contact him...but i guess there will also be no reason. I will be leaving for holidays next week.

Why would he call me pretty much as soon as he got back and get me a gift? Why would ask to see me the last day before he left but not contact me at all during the time he was away? It seems he sends small signals but then is not really chasing me full force so it is confusing. I have come to the realization that he expresses his love/caring by doing things like fixing things etc. for me. It makes him so happy to see me happy when things are done. BUT i am not totally sure anymore if he does those things for me anymore out of love but kindness. He did stuff for me even when i started dating someone else, but did not want me back. He always told me that no matter who i'm with or who he is with he will always help me when i need him. I told him that our SO's could not appreciate hanging out w/ the ex and he said he didn't care they would have to deal w/ it. It didn't make sense to me, b/c realistically who wants their SO hanging out w/ an ex? He said he never wanted to break up a relationship for him if he wasn't sure it was going to be better for me. He said what i once told him, that getting back together has to be natural, not forced. This tells me that he cares for me alot and i likely hold a special place in his heart (for now)...but the fact is that he is not coming back to me now. Why would he tell me that he still has some small hope for us to be together again? He is scared to commit to me and doesn't want the same relationship if we were together again....but he has no experience w/ other girls and wants to know what it's like. He told me once he needs to be w/ someone else, i said OMG, and he questioned "you don't think i should?"...isn't that a sign of confusion? I think he feels being w/ someone else will clarify to him his doubts w/ being w/ me.

I have a feeling he will contact me again one day in the next week or so after tomorrow...how should i handle it? As long as i act friendly to him he will likely continue contacting me...what i'm wondering is IF he starts acting affectionate again do i eventually ask him what's going on? or if he thinks there will ever be a chance or if he would consider it?

Sigh, i know i am all over the place...in the back of my mind i feel there is something....but he is holding back or doesn't want to rush....that is what my mind and my knowledge of him tells me...but my emotions get the better of me and tell me that he would act a certain way if he loved me and wanted to be with me...he has never been that type of person.

I will see how today goes and the next few weeks to before making a decision to give up or not.

[stolenshadow]

I really hope your meeting today goes (went) well.

 

Why would he tell me that he still has some small hope for us to be together again?

 

 

That part along with a few other things you said just state: He doesn't want you to move on.

 

How you act in the future depends on how you want to handle it. I'll tell you about a person I know, she was a guy's "soulmate", he dated many girls but EACH time his other relationships ended he went back to her, but the problem wasn't that she gave him something "stable", the problem was that this lasted years and in the end he met a girl and married her within weeks.

I'm not saying the same thing will happen here, I'm just saying that if you get asked to make a cake with another person (for example) and you will invest some ingredients and time you should at least have the other person do the same, otherwise the cake will be incomplete and you won't even be able to taste it or get your things back.

 

He is the one that has to talk about a reconciliation, he is the one that has to WIN you back, if he mentions nothing then his actions are saying he is not ready for a relationship with you BUT wants you around all the same.

[skate]

i keep telling myself that the last thing i will do is ask for him back. he knows how i feel and my actions don't show rejection. I am not all over him, although i could do a little less calling/txt msging, but i just don't have it in my heart to chase him. I "suppose" i need to give it some time to see if it is going anywhere, otherwise i need to make the hard decision & hopefully come to the realization there is nothing more and stop contacting him. I don't think i will be cold and ignore him and tell him to leave me alone, but i just don't need to make the effort. Sigh....i will see what happens today. I doubt much as it will be a short meeting.