Need advice from people who have ended their Affair

[rainynight]

I'm interested in hearing from people who broke off the affair with the married person. Where did you get the strength to break the tie and what happened afterwards. Did the married person continue to try and contact you or did the relationship just end? In other words, did the married person regret losing you or did they brush it off like you meant nothing to them? I guess I'm looking for the fallout that is going to come when this thing eventually comes to a head. I've known from the start that regardless of her, "you mean so much to me", and "I love yous"; that I'll be the one that eventually gets hurt in the end.

 

I'm single and have been involved with my old first love, someone who I had lost contact with for 20 years. We met back up very innocently. I wrote a letter just to see whatever became of her life. I never had any intentions of anything more, because I knew she was married. We met for lunch and I thought that would be it, "hey good seeing you, take care of yourself", and that would be it. A month later started an affair that has gone on for a year and a half. I've never asked her to leave her husband and initially it never bothered me. She had been married for 11 years and I knew she had no intention of ever leaving him, even though she initiated the affair with me. Though I contacted her, she pursued me, which really surprised me given the life she now had. The guy she married is a really great guy, good looking, successful, and treats her like a queen. As things would come up from time to time, mainly from me pulling back or being short with her on the phone. She once told me that she was 80% happy, whatever the heck that means. I guess in her case it means she is comfy enough with her life to stay in a relationship with him, but continue to meet up with me for sex once a week. She'll continue to tell me she loves me when we are together or when we are ending a phone conversation. I take that with a grain of salt and don't put much stock into it. Personally I don't think she truly loves her husband or me, probably just herself.

 

She's done things that even people having affairs haven't done. Just after we beagan the affair she became pregnant, "no it wasn't my child", in case you were wondering. But all during her pregnancy, she would come to my house twice a week and we'd have sex. I expected her to back off and basically end things, being that she was pregnant. She didn't! And, the longer this has gone on, the more intense the feelings become. There's a resentment building inside, a feeling of being taken for granted, an intense feeling of lonliness that may be even worse than just being alone. The baby is now 8 months old and takes up much of her time. On top of that she has his family coming to the house a lot to see the baby, almost everyday. Our time together has decreased as I expected it would, we see each other about once a week or once every two weeks, though we talk on the phone just about everyday, with a few days skipped here or there. I've pulled back which ahs given her many opportunities to walk away from this without any fireworks. She knows that I truly love her and would never do anything to hurt her. She'll claim that she doesn't want to be bothered with me when I'm short on the phone with her, or pull back by not contacting her for a week, yet it's always her that winds up picking up the phone and calling.

 

The frustrating part is using logic to look at all of this. She can't truly love her husband and contine an affair with me for one and a half years. She can't truly love me becuase if she did, she'd leave him to be with me, regardless of how comfy her life is and I just don't but the "I love two people" line. I sometimes wish that things would come to a head in some way and that the decision would be taken out of my hands. I don't know what's truly in her head and I guess the closest I'll come to seeig that is by meeting someone else. When that happens, I told her that this all stops, as I couldn't do that to another person who put their trust in me.

[ChrissyV]

I know there are always exceptions to the general rule, but most married people who have affairs are totally selfish. They don't think about anything except themselves. You're right. She doesn't love you. She doesn't love her husband either. If she loved you or her husband, she wouldn't do this to either of you. (String you along while sneak behind his back.) She sounds like a complete loser, regardless of how much of a past history and what great chemistry or sparks you've had between you. She's just totally in love with herself and getting a thrill out of all this at the expense of you and her husband.

Well maybe she does love you and her husband, but her warped definition of "love" isn't the normal definition of love that the rest of normal society subscribes to, so it doesn't count.

You asked about personal experiences. I broke off an affair with a married guy when I finally saw the light and realized that he was a total scum who was just using me, despite his declarations to the contrary. When the dust settles, you realize that you've been played for a fool and that is a very hurtful feeling that causes a lot of rage. I've experienced the same exact feelings you are describing.

When I broke off my affair with the married guy, at first he acted real nonchalant like he didn't give a crap. He was like, ok, I'll just go back to my normal life. (But that was just a ploy on his part to make me crawl and beg.) But crawl and beg is not my style. When he realized I was really ending it with him, and putting a stop to his using me, he tried to cajole, seduce and deceive me into continuing the affair because he wanted to keep stringing me along. He loved the thrill of having a wife and a girl on the side and really didn't want to give up. He made many more empty promises, declaring his love for me, etc, etc, but by then, I was already too mad beyond belief and it didn't work. When I get mad, I get REALLY mad and I was outraged that he had the nerve to think I would continue in the affair with him. I ended up cursing him out and telling him everything that was wrong with him. (Not that I suggest you do that, but it felt damn good at the time!)

If I were you, I would get this woman out of your life.

Forget about her. Stop caring about her. This is about preserving your own self-esteem and dignity. Trust me. I've been down this road you're facing and it's not a nice one. Bail out now before it's too late and she does irreparable damage to your psyche.

[Bethany]

as I couldn't do that to another person who put their trust in me.

 

 

Yet you stay with a woman who feels no shame, no guilt at hurting others who put their trust in her?

I'll tell you straight, she is a lying cheating ***** who hurts her family for the fun of it. It's all about her and her own sickening need to feel good whatever the cost. She is using you to stroke her ego, to give her that little boost that makes her smile.

Why would you want to be with a woman who can do that to her family? You must disgusted with her after all this time, especially about having sex with you through her pregnancy. If that was me, I'd be riddled with guilt and remorse. Shame on her.

 

Every day you stay her toy to be picked up and played with, you are missing out on that special someone who wants to spend ALL of their life with you. Walk away!!!!.

[candy604]

she's not happy with her marriage. but you really need to end this b/c it isn't healthy for you and her ( even though she doesn't know it). Sounds like her husband isn't home and she loves having a guy on a side ( thrills).

 

Don't be her toy! find yourself a great girlfriend and move on with life.

[rainynight]

Thanks for the feedback. I had been hoping for her to be the one to end it. For some reason having her end it would make me feel better because it let's me part without any regrets. But try as I may, she's not going to walk away until I tell her to and that's the point I'm at now. It's a strange array of emotions you go through in this type of relationship; it goes from love to resentment. She's been up front from the start and we both knew the parameters going into this, but emotions soon take over and logic takes a back seat. We were supposed to meet up tonight but again she had things come up that forced her to break the plans. There was a time when this thing first strarted out that it didn't bother me, now it aggravates me to no end. Yeah the sex is fantastic, better than it's ever been with her and her husband, but that counts for nothing. I wish I could snap my fingers and find someone to take my mind off of all of this. It's draining, a total roller coaster ride of emotions, though I hide much of it form her. I had hoped to meet someone by now and gracefully bow out of this. I had always wanted to see her reaction of me with with someone else, I know she's taking me for granted, thinking I'll always be there, yet another reason I want out. I'm not going to call her anymore, hopefully I can cool this thing off so that we just drift apart. I wish I could just end it clear cut, but I'm just not at that point, but getting closer each day as my resentment grows. I just see her marriage as a complete sham and the happy go lucky attitiude she presents to everyone isn't real. Happy people don't get involved in affairs with old boyfriends of 20 years ago. I used to be good at masking the frustration but now it's just coming out, it's in my voice when she talks to me and she can hear it. Bad situation for me, but it's my own doing.

[recovering]

Hey, had to register just to reply.

 

I'm a married woman who 9 months ago got caught having a year long affair with a married man, also, a love from her past. So much I could expand on, but most of it would be in defense of myself against some of the comments made above. I'll spare you because this isnt about me, it's about you.

 

First, check out the book "His Needs Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage". You can google it to find the books website and read the first chapter. Order it there too. I highly recommend it. My husband found it. It's helped him immensely and me as well, in totally different ways.

 

About love... sometimes we think we love someone. Maybe we do, maybe we dont. What it's always about tho is an association with happy times. That is the normal human condition. In your lovers case, she very well could love you and her husband. You both give her something she needs, but different things. What the book will help you see is that we all have needs from our marriages/relationships. When a need or needs arent met, we're very likely to go outside of our marriage to have it met. This is super simplistic, but, what it boils down to is that she needs you. You're meeting a need, or needs, for her that she's not getting from her husband. She's not likely to rock the boat, cuz, it's working for her now. Dont blame her or hate her for this. You're part of it all, afterall. Take it for what it is tho. She probably does love you. So what? She probably loves her husband too. Do you want to share her forever??? You should find someone who is willing to work on a relationship. Someone who, when a need is not being met, on either side, will work with you and not turn away or towards somebody else. Affairs are complicated, but, really, basically the same in every case. What sane human being, who's not happy in a situation, wouldnt pursuit happiness if it were laid out in front of them? It's basic human nature, and it does happen to "good" people. Denial of that is one of the best ways to fertilize the grounds for the conditions of an affair.

 

Now, when I find myself missing my ex-lover, I'm trying to retrain myself to realize that what I really miss isnt so much him, but rather, happy times. It was so easy with him to be happy, to be sensual, to let go of the cares of the world, the responsibilities of parenthood, and marriage, and just revel in enjoyment. Heady stuff, not unlike very strong street drugs they say. And equally hard to wean off of. For me, I'm relearning to find that happiness, that joy, that sensual side of myself again with my husband, and not the ex-lover. I'm committed to this, and guess what!! Slowly but surely, it's working!!! It's been 9 months since I've seen the ex. I still think about him, but I'm learning to think of him differently, as more of a fond memory, and not as a tragic loss. It DOES take time. Yes, I've got the benefit of a terrific husband who loves me and forgives me and wants us to get thru this and be better than ever! You can find someone like that too, to help YOU get over your ex. Remember, you can learn to have happy associations with ANYBODY you want to have them with!!! She does not hold the monopoly on that. I'm not going to slam her. I'm sure she has her qualities. You wouldnt love her if she didnt. But she's not the only one. I will say this about her: she isn't good for you right now. Your head knows that. Your heart will catch on. It takes time and retraining. You can do it! Go read that book!!!

 

And good luck to you! I wish you the best!!!

[recovering]

amipushy: I'm sorry to hear you feel that way after 10 years. I'm fairly certain I wont. My husband really wants me to forgive myself. He wants all of me back, and I plan to give it to him. No sense compounding my mistake by living the rest of my life in regret. No thanks! It happened. We're chosing to leave the pain in the past, learn what we can from the why's of it all, and move forward. I believe we can do whatever we set our minds to.

 

Rainynight: I'm not sure why you think it will be better if she ends it. I'd think the opposite was true. You can walk away, head high, and in control. Do what you're heart is telling you to do.

[Rylies Mommy]

Recovering is completely totally right in more ways then one. You have to forgive youself. I am still fresh from being a screw up so its going to take me a little more time to forgive myself but my husband and I are seaking counseling and I believe we will find a way to work throughit.

 

And you can end the affair..... I , who never says no to any thing and am a sucker for everything ssaid no more.... Not exactly but I told him I had told my husband however he came to my house a few nights later and as hard as it was to not fall back int the comfort of his arms I pushed away and told him i couldnt do this any more... And it still being fresh on my mind still aches inside. But I smile every day knowing I am the one that stood up and took him by surprise by having a back bone and saying no. And its true seeing the shock on their face from you gaining a back bone is priceless. Get a back bone. Stand Up and say what you are doing is wrong. To me to your husband and hello your kids.!!!!!!! Mine only lasted 2 months but I never felt more pain than ever before

 

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[rainynight]

Thanks for the replies and advice from everyone. To answer your question Rcovering as to why I'd rather she end it. First let me say that I would've never gotten involved in an affair with anyone else. I think to a certain degree for us getting involved in this was unfinished business. When we broke up in college, I thought she did it because she didn't love me anymore, so I let her go. After meeting back up after 20 years, she said it had nothing to do with not loving me, that she always loved me, but didn't want to be responsible for me leaving college. I almost quit college over her because I knew with the distance and our ages, we'd probably drift apart. Why we never tried to contact each other after that is a mystery on both parts. On my part, maybe it was pride; I didn't really think it was my place being I didn't end the relationship. She did drive by parents house a few times, and the few times I caught her she had to stop and talk to me. Never once did she hint at getting back together, so I assumed she must've been happy with where she was in life. I was the first person she was ever intimate with and she was my first too, so we always had that unique tie to each other of being first loves.

 

I can say the following with confidence. Had she not been married to this guy or had been engaged to be married, he would've lost her. Had the baby not come along, he still may have lost her, even after 12 years of marriage. I guess I just don't believe the, "I love two people" thing. Even though I'm involved with a married woman, if the roles were reversed, I'd never cheat on a partner. In fact, I wouldn't even consider it! First, I wouldn't betray the trust that someone who loves me put in me. Second, I'd never risk losing what I had. I don't think any relationship ever gets fully repaired after someone is unfaithful. The affair is always there, especially for the person cheated on. They will always have doubt in their partner and anytime that person isn't where they are supposed to be, or are late for something, the doubt is going to creep back out in the open. That is just human nature, and anyone normal person is going to have these feelings. I don't think an affair is something a married couple just moves on from because it's the ultimate betral, the ultimate rejection. What human being can turn those basic feelings and instincts off?!

 

So to get back to your question. I don't think she loves her husband regardless of what she says and regardless of how much time they spend togehter, how happy they seem, and how much they travel together. She often says that him and I are so much alike, personality wise. Well if that's the case, then what is she doing with me, risking what she has with him, if we are the same personality wise. But, I'm under no illusion that she is ever going to leave him. She won't! Her life is too comfortable and she gets whatever she wants with him. I don't know what it is exactly that she gets from me and not him. It must be something or she wouldn't be here. Is it the sex? Is it that I'm more of a challenge than him? Is it that I don't chase after her like every other guy has ever done. She's drop dead gorgeous and used to men throwing themself at her. I've never done that with her, in fact many times I do the opposite and hold back. I'm very close with her yet I never am an open book for her as he is. Where he will readily give into her, to keep her happy and to keep her quiet, I won't. When we disagree on something, I make my view known and stand by it, rgardless of how much she tries to get me to do otherwise. I think it frustrates her but attracts her at the same time. I am who I am and don't change each time the wind shifts. She knows I'm stubborn, set in my ways, and could care less what the rest of the world is doing. Though she'll needle and tease me about it, I think she respects it. So even if she were end this thing, I think in time, a fairly short time, she'd regret it. For as much as she says she doesn't want to hold me back, which she has never outwardly done. I think she might have mixed feelings when that time really comes and possibly some decisions to make that she may not realize. Would she really risk her "Polly Anna Life" on a long term affair with me, and then let me just walk out of her life? If I do fill a need for her, will she be willing to let that need walk away? A question I've asked myself often, and the reason I hope and pray that someone else comes along in my life. I told her once that there will come a time when all of the cards get laid on the table and we get to see who is holding what hand. I don't know if she really understood that, or believed it. I hope that time comes soon for me.

[1finger]

Perhaps it is time you tell this woman that while you love her you no longer can be a part of her life. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with just you and not you and others like she is or has been. You need to think about yourself and what you want and need in your life for you. All the while you have been having this relationship with her you have been hurting yourself and taking away more of what you couldn't have with her.

 

Love her is something you might always do, but you don't have to suffer or play game to love someone. Besides who do you want to live your life for? You need to cut it off and if need be change your phone number and tell her its over for good. You need to heal you and make your life with someone who wants you and only you, not someone who wants you on the side.

[rainynight]

Well she called again last night and left me a message, said she just wanted to say hi, to give her a call, and then said she loved me on her sign off. I waited until the next day to return the call, even though I just wasn't in the mood to make small talk with her. She was down the shore with her husband and baby. We hadn't seen each other in almost 2 weeks and she's been down the shore a week now. Then she said she wanted to get home by Wednesday to go to a concert and I got pissed, but I didn't let her know. I got disgusted with her and abruptly ended the conversation by sayin, "well let me jump in the shower so I can get my day started". It took her by surprise being that we haven't spoken in 4 days and I ended the conversation 5 minutes into the call. Then gave her the kiss off with the goodbye by saying, "well have a good one, see ya". I know she was waiting for either an, "I love ya, or I miss ya", but I was just disgusted with her cluelessness. She's really trying to have her cake and eat it now. She wants me to invite her to events when I'm invited to something, such as a wedding, and to go to events with my friends such as parties, but then she wants to disappear for two weeks at a time. It sure feels like someone that has me pretty low on her priority scale now and I'm fine with that as long as she leaves me alone. I don't get why she still calls me! My idea was to never initiate any calls and only return a call if she initiates it. Now I'm just not going to return any of her calls. I'll wait until she leaves a few messages and then I'll respond to her voice mail, "didn't see much purpose in calling you back, I see how tough it is for you to fit me into your busy schedule, ahead of your concerts and shore visits. I'd rather be alone than to be treated like that. Bye".

[_Ramirez_]

Now I'm just not going to return any of her calls. I'll wait until she leaves a few messages and then I'll respond to her voice mail, "didn't see much purpose in calling you back, I see how tough it is for you to fit me into your busy schedule, ahead of your concerts and shore visits. I'd rather be alone than to be treated like that. Bye".

I love that line.

 

I think by what you're writing that you realise that you are the spice in her life but that she don't want you to BE her life. Without you in her life it will taste almost nothing but she just can't let go of her perfect little life. Maybe she will realise that she want to be with you more than she want to be with her husband and child but really don't count on it. I believe she will chase you down until you give in just to get the things back like they where. The way you describe her she seems to be the kind of woman that gets everything she wants and it seems that she really want you... on the side...

 

She have the perfect husband who's wealthy, who's clueless and who treat her like a princess, she have the perfect little baby who give her the perfect little family and with you she have the perfect lover. It's the perfect life for her, why would she change that... to respect your feeling? I don't think so. You are on the side to spice things up and that's where she want you to be. Without you her life will seem more empty and I'm sure she's in for a heartbreak. After all it seems certain that she love to have you in her life.

 

Be ready for some rocky moments and remember that whatever you do you should get some respect even if she's the most georgous woman you've ever been with and even if you still love her. No one should walk all over you like this.

[CheerfulSprocket]

She's really trying to have her cake and eat it now.

 

I'm not clear on why you should be upset about this now - the fact that she's been having on affair with you is, from the very beginning, her having her cake and eating it too. Maybe you are just now getting enough emotional distance from her to realize what a crappy situation you are in? If so, that is good for you so that you can move on from this and find a more positive relationship in your life.

 

Though, to be honest, from your posts it appears that you are still hanging on and hoping that she'll choose you over her husband. More to the point, I think others had a great point - why wait for her to make the break? I think your response never really addressed that issue, other than to argue why you think it's not possible that she really could love two people. Which, incidentally, is very possible. Just because YOU wouldn't feel that way doesn't mean that she can't. You two are obviously very different people in some respects and the fact that she has been having this affair for so long (and while pregnant!) indicates to me that there's something that this affair fulfills for her. Could be love, could be vanity, could be boredom, could be anything. Who knows. And at this point, does it really matter? She's clearly not going to leave her husband and be with you. The only thing you can do is leave. With as much dignity as possible. Which means YOU make the choice to leave and do it without rancor or hostility. Enough is enough and you need to value yourself.

 

And while I'm here posting, I might just add one more thing. Why would you think that another woman would want to get involved with you if you were still in this affair? I would think another woman would be more interested in you if she knew that while you had made a mistake, you proactively took a role in ending that mistake and moving on. It's not attractive to know that you were in this affair and that the only reason you're not still in it is because she ended it. You know what I mean?

 

In any event, I'm really hopeful for you that you'll find a way out of this to a more healthy and positive situation. You can do it man!!

 

Spro

[Oldboy]

 

 

Sounds to me like you want her to leave her husband for you.

[rainynight]

Ramirez, I think you are absolutely right. I'm the spice in her life but she doesn't want me to be in her life. I don't know if she'll miss me or not, I'm really starting to wonder if she has a conscience.

 

Cheerful Sprocket, I've never been under any illusion that she was ever going to leave her husband. In fact, she stated that from the beginning of this thing. What I don't understand are these two week gaps where she just can't seem to find any free time to get over my place, yet she finds it to get to concerts, to the shore, and to her girlfriends. I don't buy the I've been so busy BS and I'm cool with that. Just don't call me up, and just don't bother with me. And please, don't sit there and profess your love for me, tell me that I don't tell you I love you enough (I have told her, many times) and ask me why I didn't take you to a friend's wedding as my date (wait'll you hear this one!), and don't whine about how I never bring you around my friends. She did this only two weeks ago! They're the words of someone who sounds like they are trying to get closer to you, not distancing themself from you. You can't find time for me, then let me be, don't bother me. It's like she thinks she's doing just enough to keep me hanging on. I've told her the recent two week BS is not going to work for me.

 

As far as loving two people, I don't buy it. I don't think she loves me, and I know she doesn't love or respect him. Can there really be a definition of love that doesn't include, trust, respect, and commitment? Seems as far as commitment goes for her is, "well I'll have sex with my old boyfriend for a year and a half, but I won't leave my husband because I'm in a committed relationship". I think she only loves herself. I've given her more than a few chances to just walk away from this thing, and she hasn't taken them. The only reason I want her to be the one to end it is so that she can have the doubts, not me. There's something she gets from this relationship, and to me if was that important to her, she's find more time than this recent 2 week schedule. I guess I am ending it indirectly, by not spending any time on the phone with her, not calling her anymore, and not responding to her calls. Back to the weddin story. Her husband knows me from 20 years ago, we played baseball against each other. All he knows is that we are "good friends", he has no idea of what she is capable of doing. He thinks it's all very innocent. He'd be crushed if he gound out. So she actually mentions to him that she was surprised that I didn't ask her to the wedding and he replied to her, that he was surprised too. Total Twighlight Zone stuff. She mentions to her husband, that her secret lover didn't ask her to a wedding! I almost chocked when she told me the story.

 

Oldboy, that line was referencing the fact that two weeks ago she's asking to be treated like a full time girlfriend with her requests, yet she can only make it over here once every two weeks. The last time his father was over the house playing with the baby. She asked him if he could watch the kid so she could run to the store. She shot over my house, had sex, and went back home. Wham bam thank you maam...LOL. That takes balls, I could never do something like that if I were in her position.

[CheerfulSprocket]

Hey RN,

 

A certain amount of high emotion came through in your past post and I just wanted to be clear that I'm trying to do my best to help you by giving you objective feedback and advice.

 

So that said, I am still confused. It sounds like you are upset because she isn't prioritizing you as highly as you would like. But I repeat, why are you surprised? Of course she's not going to prioritize you - you're the affair, not the primary focus of her life. Clearly, as you acknowledge, that's not going to change.

 

Second, even if YOU don't think she does love her husband or you or whomever, SHE says she does, apparently. It's very possible that her definition of "love" may (and sounds probably like it is) be very different from your definition of love. But it doesn't really matter does it? Why do you care so much about this? Play it out: if she loves her husband and not you, well, there you are. If she loves you and not her husband, you've acknowledged that she's still not going to leave him and make a life with you, so there you are. If she doesn't love either of you, why are you interested in being with her?

 

Third, wanting her to break up so that she can have doubts doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Why would you tolerate a bad situation just so someone else can feel something, which they may or may not. Do you just want her to feel bad or do you want her to have doubts and then come back to you as a higher-priority affair? I don't get it. Besides, if a situation is not working for you, you get out of the situation for YOURSELF. Not for anyone else. Not to mention the fact that if she's got as little conscience as it appears, she probably won't have doubts after breaking it off with you. She'll just do it after she's in a good space (ie got someone else on the side to make her feel better or to fill some void in her life).

 

Anyway, I do hope you'll find some kind of closure about this and be able to move on.

 

Sprocket

[rainynight]

Hey Cheerful,

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond, I appreciate your time and advice. Yes there is emotion, most of it frustration at this point. I guess I'm upset at the mixed signals I'm now getting from her. We used to see each other 2 times a week, and I realized that would change due to the baby. What has been getting my crawl is that she sure finds times to get to concerts, get down the shore, and to go visiting her friends, yet I'm now somehow on this two week schedule. This from the woman who a few weeks ago climbed all over me, stayed in bed making love most of the day and all of the night, while her husband was down the shore with the baby, doing work on the house. Then the whole wedding thing and the speech about not telling her I love her enough, etc etc... If I'm "loved so much" then what's with the 2 week BS.

 

You are exactly right on point 2 and maybe it's actually a blessing in disguise. I think she's more concerned about not hurting her husband by having him find out. In her words, " he doesn't deserve that". Not that he doesn't deserve her having an affair behind his back, he doesn't deserve to find out about it. That to me speaks volumes of what her marriage really is. And like you said, maybe she has a different definition of love that I do and maybe that's where the blessing lies. Here I've been haunted by what ifs and what might have beens from 20 years ago, but in reality, I wouldn't want someone like this for a wife; someone who could so easily chance hurting her husband, a great guy that has done everything for her and given her a great life. Does she do it because it's me and we've always had that special bond from years back, or does she do it because she gets bored once the chase is over. Her Mother told me once when I was 18, that "my daughter likes to chase what she doesn't have, and then once she gets it she doesn't want it anymore. Maybe the husband and I are in that same position right now. In his case, I couldn't imagine your wife doing what she has done to him, with me, unless there's something she's lacking in the relationship with him. And maybe I'm getting taken for granted right now, she's just expecting me to be there when she needs me, and that doesn't sit well as time passes by.

 

The third point is a little trickier. She tells me she loves me all of the time, and she trusts me more than anyone has. If I just slipped the few times I've been around her husband, her life would never be the same, nor would her marriage. I guess it's a little bit of challenge I'm putting her to, but in an indirect way. For as happy go lucky as she acts and as much time she spends with him, I think she's more comfy with her situation than the man she chose for a husband. How else could you explain a woman that spent her entire pregnancy, two times a week for the entire 9 months, having sex with a man that's wasn't her husband?! So maybe it's my way of seeing just how sincere her love for him really is because she knows that when I walk away from a situation, I'm gone. She knows I'm stubborn and far from wish washy; when I finally do go, she knows I'll be gone for good. I guess I want to see her make that decision so I can know for certain that all of things she's told me, all of the love that she has professed to me, was nothing but manufactured words to get what she wants. I guess I want to see where her heart really is and I'll never find the answer hanging around. My real hope was to meet someone by now which would've ended all of this. I'd never date another woman and stay involved in this affair. For as twisted as this thing has become, I'd never betray the trust of a partner that put their trust in me. I'm not a player, I really just want to meet that one special person. I've told her that when I meet someone, this all ends. I've met and been approached by plenty of women during the past year and a half, but none of them interested me enough to pursue anything. There have only been two women that I was truly in love with, the one has emotional problems from being in an abusive relationship with a guy that destroyed her and her family, and the other one, I'm having the affair with now. I wish it was as easy as people say, to go find someone that you love and that will love you the same way. I think that's a very hard thing to truly find and I think many people settle for others. I don't want to settle for anyone. I'm not one of those guys that dates for the sake of having something to do. I'd rather be alone than to date someone I'm not really into.

 

Thanks for listening and taking the time to respond.

[CheerfulSprocket]

Hi RN,

 

Well, glad that you weren't getting upset with me - afterall, I'm trying my best not to judge but to give you some advice. whew! Anyway, from your posts here, in many ways, it sounds like you are still rationalizing and not ready to let go. Which is probably not a surprise to you given that you are here on this site asking for advice.

 

In any event,

So maybe it's my way of seeing just how sincere her love for him really is because she knows that when I walk away from a situation, I'm gone.

Again, I ask you, why do you care so much about what/who she loves? It's not relevant to you.

 

I guess I want to see her make that decision so I can know for certain that all of things she's told me, all of the love that she has professed to me, was nothing but manufactured words to get what she wants. I guess I want to see where her heart really is and I'll never find the answer hanging around.

First, these two sentences are contradictory - you want her to decide but you know you'll never get the answers hanging around and waiting for her to decide. Second, she's clearly not going to burn her bridges - she'll manipulate the situation to her advantage which is, given your past behavior, to continue to string you along. So I wouldn't expect anything decisive in that way from her.

 

I've told her that when I meet someone, this all ends. I've met and been approached by plenty of women during the past year and a half, but none of them interested me enough to pursue anything.

Not surprising because as long as you're still involved in this situation, you won't be open to really connecting with someone. Moreover, you don't just fall in love with someone right away - you have to get to know them and vice versa. Given that there's a getting-to-know-you period, what makes you think a really quality woman would want to get involved with you in any substantive way if she knew you were involved in this situation? I mean, not to be mean or anything, but to be blunt, why should any woman want to be with someone (or even to believe you when you say that you wouldn't betray someone you love) who is actively participating in the worst kind of relationship betrayal? You know what I mean?

 

I think all the posters are in agreement that you need to do the only decent thing you can do for yourself and everyone else by breaking this off immediately.

 

 

Sprocket

[alphonsefa]

Cheerful is right, you are never going to get what you want out of a relationship, what you want out of life, with this woman. Think about how loose she is with her emotions with her husband and you. She has to know that this has been very hard on you and yet she continues it.

[rainynight]

You're absolutely right, I shouldn't care about who or what she loves. I just wish she wouldn't have even said that stuff to me. I remember a song from an old 80's band Nightranger called, "Don't Tell Me You Love Me". The main chorus was, "Don't tell me you love me because I don't want to know". I always thought they were the stupidest lyrics, why on earth wouldn't you want someone you are in a relationship to tell you they love you? Now I know why!

 

I haven't talke with her since Sunday, when I pretty much dumped her off of the phone. She knew I didn't feel like talking to her. She hasn't tried to call which I'm thankful for. Her and her husband are going to Italy for the entire monthy of September. I hope there's no contact between us before her trip. I think it will be good for me to clear my head and turn off some of the emotions. I'm bitter, whether I have the right to be or not, there is a resentment there. If I wind up talking to her again, I'm going to say some brutally honest things, many of which I've already said in this thread, that are going to be hurtful. I won't be able to bite my tongue because I will want say my final peace, and let her know exactly what I feel and what I think. I'd rather not hurt her, so hopfullly she will take this one of many opportunities I've given her to end this thing quietly. I knew going into this thing that I was eventually going to be the one that was going to get hurt in the end, so I'm no complaining, just venting a little.

[recovering]

Vent Away!!! That's what we're here for!!! You're so close to fixing this thing and getting your life back on the right track! I commend you for posting in the first place. I wish I'd had as much intelligence.

 

Wanted to make some comments. First, to shed a little light on her... since I can relate. (I'm married, and was recently in an affair, second time around, with a married guy from my past) Between you and her husband, she has the 'perfect' man, if ever there was meant to be such a thing! [NOT male bashing, just... who's perfect?] One of the first thing my couple's therapist asked me was "If you could arrange the morality of the world to your liking, would you have both men in your life?" I dont think he finished asking me before I gave him a resounding "ABSOLUTELY!!!" Losing my lover was like losing a limb. VERY painful. Took much time to dissect it all, but now I realize that I was getting my "buzz" in life, my "high" with him. I'd moved that need from my husband, whom I fought with about things like who takes out the garbage, why cant you pick up your underwear? how will we pay this bill? etc.... to this other guy who had no real life connections with me. How easy was that??? I mean, who COULDN'T have a great sexual relationship when there was no stuff of life (good or bad) between you??? This is not unique to me, this is pretty much the common ground for any affair. Married people who cheat are copping out of facing the normal problems that happen in ANY marriage!! Also common, is for the two participants to mistake this euphoria for love. Ah! Disaster is now on the horizon. I thank my guardian angel for busting us. I'm not saying HE was any more of a loser than I was, just... what rotten grounds to start a relationship on!!! Anyway, I'm telling you this to help you see why she tells you she loves you. She believes she does!! But, she also believes she loves her husband, who she just had a baby with (proof of that love!) and as I said before, you complete the picture. She's learned that she can get that great, euphoric, no strings sex with you, and it's easy, and very, very addictive. It's also a straightforward fix for a marriage therapist to help the cheater re-learn how to get their "buzz" legitimately, within the bounds of their marriage vows. Straightforward, but far from easy. (That's why my moniker is "recovering"!) I can honestly say that now, after 10 months, I'm finally believing in that light at the end of the tunnel. I'm realizing that what I thought was love, was really not. And what I thought was not love, really was. So, maybe you're right RN. Maybe a person cant really have TRUE LOVE with two people. Who knows. What IS love anyway? Some say it's just an association of good feelings with a person. Whatever. It is what we believe it is.

 

"It is impossible to hold on and let go at the same time." How true! While you're still pining for, and maybe even in love with, this other woman, how can you possibly give someone new, or yourself, a real chance? Aint gonna happen! There! Another reason to cut the ties.

 

And another good book recommendation: "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt. Straight forward and sometimes very blunt advice for those contemplating a relationship that just doesnt quite feel right, but cant seem to let go. Three of the best things I got from his book were these:

1. If someone loves another, they'll move mountains to be with that person. NOTHING will keep them from their love.

2. End the relationship with dignity. No whining. No complaining. No accusations. Just say it's over, and exit. To go into a long diatribe about what the other person did wrong is to lower yourself and give them reason to be glad you're gone. (picture some of the whiney people on those daytime trash talk shows, if you need a visual!) DONT DO IT!! If you must vent, do it here, or write a long letter and dont send it!!! Leave with dignity. If for no other reason then to leave them wondering!! [you said you wanted her to wonder!]

3. If you're not able to love freely, it's not really love. And, I risk plaguerism here, but... I did credit the author! "Stop seeing eachother; let her figure out her life. If she ends up staying with her husband, then you would have been that guy who was having an affair with the girl who was never planning on leaving her husband. If she does leave her husband, then you can start a life with her not based in shame."

 

There were many others, like... If she's not calling you, it's because you're not on her mind. And... If she creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, she will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that she's okay with disappointing you.

 

Yeah, the book is full of hit-you-in-the-gut truths like that. And yes, while it is written more for a female audience, I think many of it's truths apply whether you're male or female.

 

Anyway, you're on your way RN, I can tell. But I'll warn you, it's going to be rocky, and there will be times that you want to run back to her. So, I'd advise you to find a good friend to talk to, or a good relationship therapist/coach, or, come here and vent. People can and do survive these things. Some are stronger for them even!

 

Recovering

[rainynight]

Thanks for the response Recovering. Some good points made, I think she's gotten the point that I'm really not in a talking mood. We're on day 6 of no phone calls, yet I wonder if she even knows why I'm not calling. I wonder if she's that clueless. And yes I want her to wonder what happened, why did I suddenly just drop her like a hot potato. I don't know whether she thinks this is jut me being in a mood or if she realizes it's something much more. I want her to feel a sense of that loss that I've been living with for a while. I hope she feels like, "oh my God, I've really lost him". Yet I doubt it because all she cares about is her needs and all that is on her mind is going on her month long Italy trip. She'll figure screw me and go about living her life as though all is right with the world. Yet I know differently, I've seen the wizard behind the curtain, I've got those written words, "there was always something in my life missing, and I never knew what it was, now that I'm with you I know what it is". My God, if he ever knew the things she said to me and done with me, it would kill him. He is living a fantasy too, he thinks he has the perfect little wife and the perfect little marriage, and yet I know it's anything but! I'm just tired of being her crutch and am sick of seeing her play the good little wife when she is around him and his family. It's a total sham! But I'll tell you one thing it's done for me, it's exercised that demon from the past, wondering whatever became of her. In my mind and heart, I think she settled for this guy and think she is more comfortable with her surroundings than she is with her marriage. I think her staying is done more from a felt obligation on her part and I know there's a financial aspect to it because they have a lot of rental properties that she is and will benefit from. I would just want more for myself than that. I dated a woman just before I became involved in this thing. She made a 150k per year, had a beautiful condo, and beautiful belongings. She loved me to death yet I knew the chemistry just wasnt there for me. She was a beautiful and intelligent woman, yet that unexplainable connection just wasn't there for me, so I ended the relationship. Never at any point was the amount of money she made or the lifestyle I would have with her a consideration. As good as the woman I've had the affair with has been to me, and she has been good to me with many things, there's a shallowness in her that really bothers me. Her husband has given her the world, and look what it's gotten him, a wife that cheats on him, that has such little respect for him that she slept with me all through her pregnancy, that calls me up to have sex with her in their bed when he is out of town. We can debate the definition of love and hers may be much different than most people's, but I don't think we can debate the definition of respect and what she's done to him is about as disrespectful as a wife could ever get. I've wondered myself many times, had I been the one she married, would I have been subjected to this same deceit, this same shallowness, this same definition of love that I would never be able to live with.

 

She is always on the run, always doing something, going to concerts, going to the shore, going to parties, going out to eat, etc..., and she does much of it with her husband. Is it all just a cover, does constantly being on the go stop her from facing her true feelings? I just never understood it all. If you are in love with this guy and spend so much time with him, then why have you been in my bed for a year and a half and told me things that would destroy him?

[recovering]

Because she can. You let her. And now she has everything, and doesnt have to face what's missing from her life, cuz, nothing is.

 

I heard lots of wonderful things too. And now, now that our affair is over due to getting caught... all those wonderful words and the meaning behind them have vanished, literally and figuratively. Which is appropriate, I guess, since affairs are built on fantasy. So, evaporating into thin air sorta fits! My point is... it's easy to whisper sweet nothings. The tough part is putting real meaning behind all those words by LIVING up to them, like, for instance, in a REAL relationship!!!! Ever hear the saying "Actions speak louder than words!"? Well!!!! And, quite frankly, NEITHER one of you is living up to those words you whisper to eachother. REAL love isn't like that. It doesnt hide. It's not vindictive. It never wishes ill will on the other. It doesnt sulk or cease to be when it's hurt. It doesnt doubt.

[matius]

rainynight - I've been there...she was married.

 

The people who claim those who have affairs are selfish & unloving individuals are far from correct 100% of the time. Sometimes, that is absolutely the case. I hate to bring the noise, but life is messy. Marraige, looking at the statistics, is messy. Where is everyone getting the idea that everything is going to work out like a puzzle without any pieces getting lost?

 

Sometimes life drags you down and kicks you to the curb. Depression, feelings of inadequacy, loneliness are all very real and you can really hit some low points. I know that. I'm not malicious, I feel regret for my actions...but I know at that point in my life I had someone there for me who needed me just as much as I needed them. That may sound corny, but until you've been through it please don't judge. There was obviously a void in our lives that needed to be filled...not just sex. I'll even go so far as to say I was able to grow from meeting this person.

 

Anyway, we both new that the relationship couldn't last forever. It was bittersweet, we both cared for each other and new what we were doing was wrong...but in a way, it was comforting. All contact was cut and you know, we're moving on with our lives.

 

I think that if someone has an affair they should be responsible and end the relationship with their significant other. At least come clean and face the music...

 

After all, if you're having an affair, it's time to think about your current situation.