recovering

What I'd love to have you honestly ask yourself is this: If he cant make this marriage work, then why do you think he can make one work with you? #1 thing to look for in a potential spouse is the ability to work on problems. Clearly, he's sorely lacking in this department. His solution to marital problems is to find 'solace' in another woman. Oh, and then come back and compare notes by getting the same 'solace' with his legal wife. Ya want that kind of husband? Cuz that's exactly what he's going to be. You're allowing him to disappoint you now. Why? Why are you sending him the message that it's ok if he hurts you, you understand, you'll allow it, you'll wait for him? What kind of bed are you making for yourself? Read Doug Behrendts book "He's Just Not That Into You". Blunt, but truthful. (warning: I doubt you'll find it in a Christian bookstore. Doug was one of the writers for Sex in the City.) Your situation is not unique. It is in fact, so common, that it's entirely predictable. I'll quote from his book for you... "Stop seeing each other; let him figure out his life. If he ends up staying with his wife, then you would have been that girl who was having an affair with the guy who was never planning on leaving his wife. If he does leave his wfie, then you can start a life with him not based in shame." and "Regardless of how much his marriage sucks or how awful his wife is to him, it obviously isn't that bad or he would get out of it. A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy. Go find yourself one worth living out loud." and in your own words, one that God really WILL bless!!! Stop seeing him now! Let him get his life together and come find you. If it's meant to be, nothing, NOTHING will prevent him from finding you and making you his legitimate partner in life. NOTHING!!!!! We all make mistakes. The trick is, to fess up to them, to learn from them, and to better oneself as a result of them by not repeating them. This is your chance to do that. And you know it's what the Lord wants you to do. You know it in your soul, and THAT's why you're so tormented. Pray for clarity of thought right now, not for a specific outcome. The Lords will be done. Good luck to you, and God Bless!

Because she can. You let her. And now she has everything, and doesnt have to face what's missing from her life, cuz, nothing is. I heard lots of wonderful things too. And now, now that our affair is over due to getting caught... all those wonderful words and the meaning behind them have vanished, literally and figuratively. Which is appropriate, I guess, since affairs are built on fantasy. So, evaporating into thin air sorta fits! My point is... it's easy to whisper sweet nothings. The tough part is putting real meaning behind all those words by LIVING up to them, like, for instance, in a REAL relationship!!!! Ever hear the saying "Actions speak louder than words!"? Well!!!! And, quite frankly, NEITHER one of you is living up to those words you whisper to eachother. REAL love isn't like that. It doesnt hide. It's not vindictive. It never wishes ill will on the other. It doesnt sulk or cease to be when it's hurt. It doesnt doubt.

Vent Away!!! That's what we're here for!!! You're so close to fixing this thing and getting your life back on the right track! I commend you for posting in the first place. I wish I'd had as much intelligence. Wanted to make some comments. First, to shed a little light on her... since I can relate. (I'm married, and was recently in an affair, second time around, with a married guy from my past) Between you and her husband, she has the 'perfect' man, if ever there was meant to be such a thing! [NOT male bashing, just... who's perfect?] One of the first thing my couple's therapist asked me was "If you could arrange the morality of the world to your liking, would you have both men in your life?" I dont think he finished asking me before I gave him a resounding "ABSOLUTELY!!!" Losing my lover was like losing a limb. VERY painful. Took much time to dissect it all, but now I realize that I was getting my "buzz" in life, my "high" with him. I'd moved that need from my husband, whom I fought with about things like who takes out the garbage, why cant you pick up your underwear? how will we pay this bill? etc.... to this other guy who had no real life connections with me. How easy was that??? I mean, who COULDN'T have a great sexual relationship when there was no stuff of life (good or bad) between you??? This is not unique to me, this is pretty much the common ground for any affair. Married people who cheat are copping out of facing the normal problems that happen in ANY marriage!! Also common, is for the two participants to mistake this euphoria for love. Ah! Disaster is now on the horizon. I thank my guardian angel for busting us. I'm not saying HE was any more of a loser than I was, just... what rotten grounds to start a relationship on!!! Anyway, I'm telling you this to help you see why she tells you she loves you. She believes she does!! But, she also believes she loves her husband, who she just had a baby with (proof of that love!) and as I said before, you complete the picture. She's learned that she can get that great, euphoric, no strings sex with you, and it's easy, and very, very addictive. It's also a straightforward fix for a marriage therapist to help the cheater re-learn how to get their "buzz" legitimately, within the bounds of their marriage vows. Straightforward, but far from easy. (That's why my moniker is "recovering"!) I can honestly say that now, after 10 months, I'm finally believing in that light at the end of the tunnel. I'm realizing that what I thought was love, was really not. And what I thought was not love, really was. So, maybe you're right RN. Maybe a person cant really have TRUE LOVE with two people. Who knows. What IS love anyway? Some say it's just an association of good feelings with a person. Whatever. It is what we believe it is. "It is impossible to hold on and let go at the same time." How true! While you're still pining for, and maybe even in love with, this other woman, how can you possibly give someone new, or yourself, a real chance? Aint gonna happen! There! Another reason to cut the ties. And another good book recommendation: "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt. Straight forward and sometimes very blunt advice for those contemplating a relationship that just doesnt quite feel right, but cant seem to let go. Three of the best things I got from his book were these: 1. If someone loves another, they'll move mountains to be with that person. NOTHING will keep them from their love. 2. End the relationship with dignity. No whining. No complaining. No accusations. Just say it's over, and exit. To go into a long diatribe about what the other person did wrong is to lower yourself and give them reason to be glad you're gone. (picture some of the whiney people on those daytime trash talk shows, if you need a visual!) DONT DO IT!! If you must vent, do it here, or write a long letter and dont send it!!! Leave with dignity. If for no other reason then to leave them wondering!! [you said you wanted her to wonder!] 3. If you're not able to love freely, it's not really love. And, I risk plaguerism here, but... I did credit the author! "Stop seeing eachother; let her figure out her life. If she ends up staying with her husband, then you would have been that guy who was having an affair with the girl who was never planning on leaving her husband. If she does leave her husband, then you can start a life with her not based in shame." There were many others, like... If she's not calling you, it's because you're not on her mind. And... If she creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, she will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that she's okay with disappointing you. Yeah, the book is full of hit-you-in-the-gut truths like that. And yes, while it is written more for a female audience, I think many of it's truths apply whether you're male or female. Anyway, you're on your way RN, I can tell. But I'll warn you, it's going to be rocky, and there will be times that you want to run back to her. So, I'd advise you to find a good friend to talk to, or a good relationship therapist/coach, or, come here and vent. People can and do survive these things. Some are stronger for them even! Recovering

amipushy: I'm sorry to hear you feel that way after 10 years. I'm fairly certain I wont. My husband really wants me to forgive myself. He wants all of me back, and I plan to give it to him. No sense compounding my mistake by living the rest of my life in regret. No thanks! It happened. We're chosing to leave the pain in the past, learn what we can from the why's of it all, and move forward. I believe we can do whatever we set our minds to. Rainynight: I'm not sure why you think it will be better if she ends it. I'd think the opposite was true. You can walk away, head high, and in control. Do what you're heart is telling you to do.

Hey, had to register just to reply. I'm a married woman who 9 months ago got caught having a year long affair with a married man, also, a love from her past. So much I could expand on, but most of it would be in defense of myself against some of the comments made above. I'll spare you because this isnt about me, it's about you. First, check out the book "His Needs Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage". You can google it to find the books website and read the first chapter. Order it there too. I highly recommend it. My husband found it. It's helped him immensely and me as well, in totally different ways. About love... sometimes we think we love someone. Maybe we do, maybe we dont. What it's always about tho is an association with happy times. That is the normal human condition. In your lovers case, she very well could love you and her husband. You both give her something she needs, but different things. What the book will help you see is that we all have needs from our marriages/relationships. When a need or needs arent met, we're very likely to go outside of our marriage to have it met. This is super simplistic, but, what it boils down to is that she needs you. You're meeting a need, or needs, for her that she's not getting from her husband. She's not likely to rock the boat, cuz, it's working for her now. Dont blame her or hate her for this. You're part of it all, afterall. Take it for what it is tho. She probably does love you. So what? She probably loves her husband too. Do you want to share her forever??? You should find someone who is willing to work on a relationship. Someone who, when a need is not being met, on either side, will work with you and not turn away or towards somebody else. Affairs are complicated, but, really, basically the same in every case. What sane human being, who's not happy in a situation, wouldnt pursuit happiness if it were laid out in front of them? It's basic human nature, and it does happen to "good" people. Denial of that is one of the best ways to fertilize the grounds for the conditions of an affair. Now, when I find myself missing my ex-lover, I'm trying to retrain myself to realize that what I really miss isnt so much him, but rather, happy times. It was so easy with him to be happy, to be sensual, to let go of the cares of the world, the responsibilities of parenthood, and marriage, and just revel in enjoyment. Heady stuff, not unlike very strong street drugs they say. And equally hard to wean off of. For me, I'm relearning to find that happiness, that joy, that sensual side of myself again with my husband, and not the ex-lover. I'm committed to this, and guess what!! Slowly but surely, it's working!!! It's been 9 months since I've seen the ex. I still think about him, but I'm learning to think of him differently, as more of a fond memory, and not as a tragic loss. It DOES take time. Yes, I've got the benefit of a terrific husband who loves me and forgives me and wants us to get thru this and be better than ever! You can find someone like that too, to help YOU get over your ex. Remember, you can learn to have happy associations with ANYBODY you want to have them with!!! She does not hold the monopoly on that. I'm not going to slam her. I'm sure she has her qualities. You wouldnt love her if she didnt. But she's not the only one. I will say this about her: she isn't good for you right now. Your head knows that. Your heart will catch on. It takes time and retraining. You can do it! Go read that book!!! And good luck to you! I wish you the best!!!