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End of An Era, But I Can't Deal With Her Anymore (Long)


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Hello,

 

Since leaving my school when I was 17, a year earlier than all my friends there, I have kept in touch with those that I cared about most/got along with best, and added to my social circle when I went to a different college.

 

One of these old friends from my old school has been close to me since we were 13.

 

When I was 14 or so, I was somewhat tired of not making an effort socially, so I (indirectly) formed my own friendship group/clan, with our own password protected website etc. It wasn't at all a malicious group, but it was exclusive. There were 12 of us in total, mostly regarded as freaks by everyone else in our year...but it was perfectly satisfactory, both insiders and outsiders to our clan were happy. We had the most intelligent, eccentric, high-achieving people in our year (and we were at a school for bright kids!), so it was rather special sometimes.

 

One "founding member", I'll refer to her as K, had no friends before I formed the clan. She really loved it - posted the most on our messageboard, organized a lot of our weekend meetups, etc. At the same time, she was what I perceived to be a good friend. Yes, she went on a bit, took offence easily and didn't have that much of a sense of humour...BUT she was loyal, honest, organized. She supported me through some very bad times and stayed with me for a whole week when I was suicidal 2 years ago.

 

I suppose it all went wrong about a year and a half ago, January 2005. I had a New Year party, there was much alcohol, and we ended up kissing etc (K and I). She didn't expect a relationship from it, but it started her off on a voyage of discovery into her sexuality....within a year, she'd pretty much Come Out as gay.

 

No one was that surprised...if nothing else, K had always looked slightly like a stereotypical lesbian. I don't have any problem with homosexuals, being bisexual myself.

 

But then...she changed. Slowly, but noticeably until it's reached the stage where having just come back from a short holiday with her, I don't ever want to see her again. I realised/it was pushed into my face how defensive, uptight, antisocial and aggressively lesbian she is. At least 25% of her conversation centres around homosexuality/the gay lifestyle. Either that, or academic achievement.

 

On a more superficial level, her general demeanour and almost aggressive practicality just hacked me off almost 24/7. She has to have everything planned to the last detail, and she'll insist on walking to a different convenience store to make a marginal saving on a soda. I could go on.

 

I appreciate she has plenty of problems, (her mother is VERY overbearing, she has to work unfairly hard for her grades, she is becoming comfortable with being gay...etc) and because of her past loyalty to me I have put up with this new version of her for over a year now.

 

But now I can't do it any longer. But there's another twist...most of the old school clan have abandoned her as well, and I fear for her social skills when she starts a job as a biomedical assistent in September...it takes her forever to make friends, and even longer nowadays...

 

I feel a sense of responsibility to her, but for my own sanity I just can't hang out with her any more. No one else will either, separately all my old school friends have informed me they Just Can't Stand Her...for reasons outlined above.

 

How can I feel less guilty? This isn't a bad patch she's going through, this is a personality change of a permanent nature that I can't stomach. AARGGHH...as she'll be working and I in college next year, we won't run into each other so NC will be easy enough, but there's still a horrible feeling that whilst she's done a lot for me in the past, I never gain any enjoyment from her company now.

 

ANNNDDDD my old school is having a Leavers Prom next week, which one of my old school friends is taking me to as a guest (a female friend)...K proceeded to get angry with HER yesterday for taking me, even though it was my choice who I went with, I believe!?!

 

Although apparently this is only because she fancies me madly. Oh I'm ... Confused?!

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That's kind of tough.

 

I can see why you would not want to be around her. That's clear. I can also see why you should be around her, out of loyalty, if nothing else.

 

My question would be this: can you help her see what she is doing? She helped you through a rough spot. What she is doing is sabotaging her friendships, her life, can you help her out and get her to see that and try to get her to choose a different path? Maybe be around her less as she finds it, but all the same, help her find it?

 

Of course, what does she do when you raise the issue?

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Myself and others have tried to help her..

 

By talking to her...

By going out with her...

By talking about our own problems...

 

At parties, and dinners, and even whilst swimming, myself and others have tried subtley, and bluntly, to get accross to her how she could make her life so much easier, how she could use some professional help, etc.

 

At best we get Polite Brushoffs, at worst, Accusations We Stab Her In The Back. Normally, it's Defensive Mode.

 

thanks for your reply.

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Hi Superstar,

 

Teens undergo a lot of changes. Both K and you of course. AFICS, You started her coming out as a lesbian. She still may have a crush++ on you and could be bitter about you being together with your bf of 8 months.

 

Somehow I feel that you are "more" heterosexual than let's say 12 months ago. You may be interested in/feel like being friends with K, but obviously her crush++ can't be switched off like that.

 

Thus all evolved naturally and the best may be that you talk to her about that you intend to stay with Xal in order for her to stop hoping and heal and move on.

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