I keep messing up

[tretneo]

ok so today the Ex messaged me to tell me that I have mail and it looks important. So i responded and had a conversation with her. I mentioned during the conversation that I am starting to talk to an old friend and wanted to let her know in case it develops into something and she hears about it so it won't be a big shock. She responded by saying she knew I would put myself back out there real fast (it has been a month and a half and she started a relationship after a week). She asked who it was and I said you don't know her (actually she has heard of her but has never met her) she asked a bunch of questions and then actually guessed who it was and I said no not her (ok that was a lie). the subject changed and then towards the end of the conversation she said "Who is SHE?" and I said are you sure you want to do this? she said yes and so I said well as you expected it is Stephanie and I didn't want to tell you because it doesn't really matter and I didn't want to discuss her with you. We are friends and I will be hanging out with her next weekend as friends, we'll see what happens. She got pissed and said you lied to me rob, I knew it, I was right about some things... she was pissed and after saying a few more angry statements she logged off.

 

Now I am fine with her being mad at me, I am fine with her knowing I am moving on and I am fine with her being pissed (although I doubt she has any right to be mad). What I am worried about is what if she remembers how to get to this other girls myspace page and sends her some kind of e-mail or something, that could seriously cause a problem. Also I feel bad about lying about it when first asked, should I worry about this lie? am I bad or mean for lying?

 

Rob

[annie24]

ok, let's backtrack here.... she is your EX so there is no reason to be informing her of your new love possibilities. if she hears from someone else, so be it. besides, it's not like you even have a serious relationship with this new woman so there is no reason to say it to your ex. I suspect that you are doing this to get under your ex's skin, and I don't think that is the right way to go.

 

You said your ex is a lesbian, and she broke up with you for another woman. honestly, I would cut off emotional ties with her. she has no right to be mad at you for finding new women, but you shouldn't be playing this game with her either.

[Rylies Mommy]

I agree. She has no reason to be mad and I would probabbly inform the other girl jsut to be on the safe side to go ahead and block her name.

[tretneo]

Annie, I admit, I wanted to get to her a little bit. I didn't really want to release as much information as I did. I suspect she is pissed and I hope that this will lead to her not wanting to talk to me anymore. That would be the best thing. How do I let the other girl know that the ex is pissed? I don't want to make her think twice about hanging out with me.

 

Rob

[annie24]

I wouldn't say anything, really. It's just opening a can of worms. I doubt that the ex will contact her, and if she does, I'm sure the current girl would just say, "um... what a nutcase the ex is!" I know that's how I would feel if some random girl just called me or sent me an e-mail telling her not to go out with a new man I was seeing. My first instinct would be that this is a bitter, crazy ex-girlfriend, and that the guy is better off without her.

 

If she contacts her, I'm sure she'll tell you about it. Then you can briefly mention that the ex is a bit upset after the breakup, even if she instigated it. However, don't rag on the ex too much. I wouldn't want to date a guy that still was super angry or upset about his ex, because it would be like he's not over her (which you're not).

 

I think err on the side of saying little! To both women!

[tretneo]

I think my big problem is, somewhere inside I still wish she would call me up and tell me she can't live without me and wants me back. I know that I shouldn't even want her back after what she has done but I am having a really hard time accepting the rejection and letting her go and moving on.

 

I don't have friends where I live now, I don't have a job yet and school hasn't started yet. I have way too much idle mind time and all of this just keeps rotating in my head. I really want to be over her and to let her go and move on. I don't want to feel the rejection and the hurt. I don't want to miss her and love her anymore.

 

After a conversation with her like the one I had today I get about an hour of anger followed by days of depression and sadness. I keep screwing up and allowing myself to break NC even though I know it won't get me anything. I feel like I am going backwards when I need to be going forwards.

 

Now on top of it all I am really worried about my ex contacting this friend of mine. I like her but we are just friends atm and I am worried that a nasty message from the ex will turn her off before anything could get started. I am not looking to get into a full on relationship with this girl yet but I would like to spend time with her and see what develops over time. I feel like if I could get out and do a little dating/socializing I will feel better about myself and that would help the situation.

 

Rob

[annie24]

Ok, well look on the other side. How would you react if some random guy e-mailed you and said, "stay away from Heather! she is a total *beep* and she'll mess you up!"

 

You'd be like.... "um... ok... whatever loser

 

Ok, so I know you'd love to have her come back begging for you.... but.... she's a lesbian.... so... really, don't take things so personally....

[tretneo]

well part of the reason that the "She is a lesbian" comments don't make me feel better is that I knew shortly after getting involved with her that she considered herself Bi. She has had girlfriends and boyfriends in the past. So it almost seems like it doesn't matter whether she went to a woman or a man. Do you think that because she is Bi, she will continue flip flopping back and forth hurting people whenever she craves the different sex? I know it doesn't really make a difference and it doesn't matter to me anymore. My pride and my ego isn't hurt by this, I just feel lonesome and miss my relationship. I know we are going round and round in circles here with this conversation but I know what I want to do and what I need to do but these feelings are so strong and I am just trying to figure out how to get around the corner and move on.

 

Rob

[annie24]

Have you thought about seeing a therapist or counselor? At school, there are usually free therapists available, and I think it might be a really great idea to take advantage of this and schedule a few sessions to talk about what has been going on, and maybe come up with a "plan of action" to work on towards healing.

[tretneo]

I think that might be a good idea. My whole outlook on things and thought pattern is so out of wack it isn't even funny. I know I am not old or anything but I feel like the best part of my life just walked out on me. I have a hard time seeing that there is a future and I will meet someone and have that kind of love again. I think I might need help with these things so I don't continue downwards and miss good opportunities in the process. I know I could do it if I didn't have this overwhelming sense of loss and iminent doom. It may sound weird to other people but I just feel like if I don't have her and I couldn't keep her love then there must be something wrong with me and I will continue to have this happen in future relationships (If I even get a chance at another one). On top of all of that I still have my issue with being shy and afraid to approach women and make things happen.

 

I just feel like a mess. I think someone to talk to might be a good thing.

 

Rob

[annie24]

yes, definitely, call a therapist. it really helps to talk to a person who is objective and can help you sort your feelings out. it's not always fun, but making progress on yourself is difficult but necessary. I think you are onto something with the "bad thought patterns."

 

From my point of view, you are a good looking guy, are in school, and are probably pretty nice. I'm sure you have a ton to offer to the right woman and will make friends once school starts. Don't define yourself or make yourself feel like you are "less than" or bad simply because this woman walked out on you. it really sounds like she has big problems herself.

 

I am reading a teriffic book, "the art of happiness" by the Dalai Lama. I think you should pick it up if you have a chance. has some beautiful things in there that could help change your perspective on life.

[tretneo]

Annie, Thank you very much for your kind words and advice. Sometimes it is hard to lose track of rational thought and focus only on negative emotions. I appreciate your help and I am going to go look for that book. I need some beauty in my life atm.

 

Rob