Things going well and then just nothing! (Long)

[mnuttster]

My last posting was a few weeks ago about this girl I work with and really really like. She works the morning shifts and i work mostly evenings and weekends, so we work opposite shifts, but we see each other almost everyday at work at least for an hour or two. We finally told each other how we like each other a lot a few weeks ago and things have been off and on since then. She basically told me that she has a lot of baggage (law problems, money problems, etc...) and that she doesn't really want to worry about anyone else right now because she has so much on her plate.

We have gone out a few times and she has spent the night the last two tuesdays, once out of no where and the second was my birthday (so maybe she felt like she had to). The first time she spent the night we had sex and she talked about how great it was and that we had to do it again really soon because it was so good. And even in the morning we kissed and said how much fun it was to hang out.

 

The next time we went out for my birthday and talked about everything (we are both really open books and she has said she feels like she can tell me anything) and that is when she told me all about her baggage and how she doesnt really want to be with anyone right now. But then we turn around and get physical with each other when she stayed the night that night, even though i was going to drive her home (because I didn't want her to think all I wanted was to be physical), she insisted that she stayed the night.

 

Her best friend (a girl that we work with) tells me i should just take it really slow and that she really likes me, but has gotten burned a lot before and is hesitant about getting involved, that I am the best guy that has ever come into her life and am so good for her. But I dont understand how that could be true when she doesn't really call me or ask me to hang out except for a few things I had planned for us to do. I asked to take her out again and I got a "maybe, we will see" answer, which usually is a nice way of saying no.

 

I am just so confused and frustrated because she seems to go hot and cold with her feelings. One day we will be fooling around, kissing, etc.. Then the next it is like I am not there. I guess it is because she is so different than any girls I have ever dated that I am so confused and eating myself inside to figure out what to do.

 

I really like this girl and I get butterflies whenever I think about her or talk about her or am talking to her. I really think we would be a great couple, but I don't know how long I should wait or if I should wait at all. I know I am a great guy with a lot of great qualities and a great career, that I could be with any girl I wanted to out there, but I want to be with her.

 

I guess I am asking for help to either calm my emotions or to help me figure out what to do. I haven't been too crazy like calling her or texting her everyday, or asking her out every other day. I think I have played it cool and done everything right, but still I feel that there isn't anything I can do but wait until she comes around, but who knows if that would be ever. It is a sucky situation and I just need some help to figure out what to do. Thanks!

[Seko]

Well, I do think she likes you. Not only does her friend say that she likes you a lot, but she herself told you she does. Becuase her friend says that she is hesitant to get involved and has gotten burned a lot....I would say that she wants to be intimate with you (as indicated by her actions), but whenever she DOES get intimate with you, her fear kicks in, and she has this reflex of distancing herself from the situation.

 

I think people that have been burned a lot do this for two reasons. One is simple fear: Imagine, for example, that every time you go to pet a dog for years, you get bitten. You love dogs, but you begin to think that there is something wrong with you - maybe you're just not destined to get along with dogs. One day, you go to your friends house, and your friend has this beuatiful, calm-looking dog. You really want to pet it, and your friend swears that the dog has never bitten anyone in his whole life....but whenever you go near it, you begin to think of all those other dog bites, and wonder if it's worth the risk. Imagine, then, that somehow, you overcome this fear, and go to pet it. It doesn't bite you the first time. But you are still convinced that there is something wrong with you, or that maybe all dogs are secretly evil, or maybe this dog is trying to fool you so that it can bite you next time. Despite the fact that the dog has done nothing to scare you, and has in fact reacted well to your attentions, you would still be scared of it every time you went near it. After petting it, you would probably jump away, convinced it would bite.

 

Ehh...I dunno. I think i got carried away, and I'm not sure if that explanation makes any sense haha.

 

 

Either way, the other reason, I think, that people who have been burned a lot do this whole hot-and-cold thing...is that they are playing games. It's all subconscious, usually, but I think what they're doing is testing you. If you *really* didn't like her...if you just wanted to use her, like other guys have, you wouldn't go through all the efforts of persuit with her hot-and-cold behavior. She is probably seeing, in a way, whether you will stick around. Whether you really like her as much as you appear to.

 

I think you are doing the right thing right now by not smothering her, and letting her know, in a cool way, that you are still interested.

 

However, you can't wait forever. I think, at some point, you will have to talk to her about it - lay down your feelings on this. Tell her that you do like her, and you think you would make a great couple, but you don't know what to make of her behavior, and you don't want to put a lot of effort into this if she is not open to a relationship with you.

Or...I guess you might be able to have her friend talk to her about how if she likes you, she should make sure you know, becuase you are doubting her feelings, and wondering if you should move on.

Something like that.

 

Good luck

[VIRGOLDY]

Nuttster, the worse thing you can do right now is get pushy or frustrated. It sounds like this girl has been upfront with you about her issues. Respect her space. Get busy with other things right now.........date others. Don't put all your eggs in one basket with this girl. I'm not saying TELL her you're dating others...but for your OWN self esteem. One thing that I appreciate about a guy is stability. If you wig out on her now...she'll peg you as yet one more guy who let her down. Patience in these situations IS important. Maybe she'll

come around. I DO think in this situation you should let her come to YOU for now..but be open to her. No guilt trips, or expectations...just be there as a friend right now.

 

Be patient....

[mnuttster]

thank you to everyone for the helpful advice. I think I have been pretty good so far, just casual talking on the phone and not really talking about "us" as a couple or anything, just asking her to hang out and calling her once in awhile and a text here or there. We see each other a lot at work, so I just play it cool and don't really get all weird there, just a casual "hello" hug and a "good to see you" smile.

 

I think I am in a good position, I just have to wait it out and make sure I don't get crazy and her friend says that we would make a great couple. I just gotta make it through this hard time right now. I know I am a great guy with lots to offer, especially compaired to all the guys she has dated in the past (her friend always is jealous of how I have been amazing to her so far and we aren't even dating or anything, just friends). So even if things don't work out with her, I know that some girl will be so lucky to have me in their life. I just hope they do this time