contacting his ex-g/f AGAIN

[emma201279]

ok, so wot would you do, if you're boyfriend kept contacting his ex-girlfriend?

so here's the thing, they went out with each other for only 2months , 6years ago...however after they split up they kept being best-friends and have kept contact ever since.

i have being dating my b/f for 2 years. last year i found out about her (acidentally heard an answering machine message from her, confronted him, and he told me about her). after that, i told him i wasnt confortable with them still contacting each other, and he said he would only contact her if she contacted him first (i.e he sed he didnt want to just ignore her if she txt him or sumthing, cause it was rude), which i said was ok, cause i assumed she wud get the message eventually. so anyway...a year has gone by, and there had been a couple of instances where i found out they contacted each other. each time i found out , i wud end up in tears and we wud have an argument about it, but we sum how sorted things out.

me and my b/f have just moved in together. i though the contacting her would stop but it hasnt. i looked at his online phone bill(i know -terrible), and i saw that he had texted her yesterday . and hasnt told me about it. i'm so sick of fighting about it, i don't know what to do. the thing is this girl aint no ordinary girl, she's stunning, and a lot prettier than me. i don't understand why my b/f and her stil contact each other...because i've heard shes apparently going out with a rich footballer atm, and my b/f told me that he had already told her about all about me and him living together.

whenever i found out they contacted each other , he would always make it seem like it was her initiating the contact, and he was just replying....but that makes me wonder, cause surely no girl wud keep contacting a guy unless she was getting sum reassurance back (especially when she's going out with a footballer!). wot do i do? confront him? get upset over it AGAIN? or walk away?

he says its all me whos making this a problem (and i do admit myself i am quite an insecure girl), and that i should trust him, and that i have nothing to worry about .

But at the end of the day, (regardless of whether it is me just being paranoid or not)...surely if he cared about how i felt..he wud just stop contacting her all together?!

i don't know what to do. also we're in a one year lease on the flat, so i kindof feel trapped. like i can't really do anything about it, and just have to put up with it.

we've been thru so much together. i'd hate for us to end over a couple of text messages...but i just can't do this anymore.any advice wud be great.

 

thanks for listening x

[Jane0815]

ok, so wot would you do, if you're boyfriend wot do i do? confront him? get upset over it AGAIN? or walk away?

 

Methinks you have reason to be insecure. His best defense is a good offense, for sure.

 

Go ahead and get upset, but don't talk to him about it and def. don't confront him.

 

An "old" feminist, Erica Jong, says not to discuss with men - just observe their actions, and take action. I'm trying to preach that at myself, at the moment.

[emma201279]

ok, so i just watch his actions? until when? if i don't tell him about it, then won't he just keep contacting her?? i need to tell him that i'm not guna take this lightly...if he continues to keep her in his life then no dout its guna cause us to break-up. i don't want to spend my life being paranoid in this relationship-having to watch his every move. Everytime i see her number on his phone bill...the more i feel i have to watch him, and the more paranoid i get. i just want to trust him and how he feels about me

[Hope75]

I have a different take on this.

 

This girl and he have been friends for 6 years. They dated for a very brief time and decided they weren't right for one another, but decided to remain friends.

 

He chose to get with you and has been with you for 2 years. That's his choice. He wants to be with you, not her. That says something doens't it?

 

Do you think it's fair for you to step in and tell him who he can be friends with?

 

My bf and I have been together almost 4 years and living together just as long. I have male friends (including an ex bf) and he has female friends (including a woman he had a crush on years ago). We are chosing to be with each other, and we love and respect each other and we trust in that.

 

It might be a good idea to think about this rationally and not emotionally for a minute. He is with you for a reason.

 

What makes you have trouble trusting in your bf's choice?

 

How does he treat you, other than this friendship bothering you?

 

Do you have any reason to believe he's cheating on you?

[Bethany]

I think it sounds like they are really close friends and you should at least to try to trust him.

[emma201279]

ok, i've decided i might let this one slide, cause i realised it was actually only one text message he sent her that day (well it was actually 3 in one if u see wot i mean)....tho i don't kno wot it said.

but still, i don't think this is sumthing i will ever be ok about. there isnt anything else that wud make me feel like he's cheating on me or being unfaithful. and if i hadn't seen his phone bill, i wud have never known he was still contacting her. so do i just turn a blind eye?? i wish he wud just be honest with me. but at the same time, i know the reason he doesnt tell me he's contacted her is probably cause he knows i wud get upset... like i am now. its tough

[Hope75]

I suspect he's not telling you because he knows how upset you get, and he doesn't want to feel forced to give up his friendship. He probably feels stuck in the middle.

 

It seems you are being pretty unreasonable. Your bf has not give you any indication that he has any desire to be with this girl. They split up 6 years ago after just a couple of months.

 

Why don't you trust that he wants to be with you?

 

Do you think it's fair for you to tell him who he can be friends with?

[caro33]

This is a difficult one, I get where you are coming from Emma, but I also agree with the general sentiment that you should try and tone back your conditions on this.

 

In my situation they went out for around 6 months, of which 6 weeks or so was consistent and good. They had not shared a friendship before and he has been heartbroken afterward. He'd been hung up on her only a few months before we met, and he told me they were 'best friends' although it was always him calling her. And I mean ALWAYS.

 

I cannot begin to tell you how hung up I was (and still am to some degree) about this. Felt cheated on. Same deal, she's really hot and is also the subject of a whole bunch of 'isn't she hot' web threads that feral men have been posting to. So that really kills your self-esteem.

 

But the upshot is that I sought counselling and also had him go. The counsellor has confirmed that my fiance acted a bit dumb but there was/is actually nothing to worry about. He really is over the fabulous ex, unlike me!

 

I don't know how to help you to feel better except to say that from an objective perspective the fact is that the four years that went by between her and you would tend to show they are not pining for one another. He has shown you a willingness to cut the friendship down (I am impressed he did that, it took my guy a while). The text would be concerning to me too but only because it's tapping into worries you already had. I suggest you continue as you said before, give him a chance, let it slide.

 

But perhaps also keep a calm eye open. Ask him occasionally if they have been in touch. No hysterics, no accusations. He may start to feel more comfortable about how he really feels about this situation (ie 'I get what you're saying honey but she was my friend and I would like to catch up occasionally'). That's better than him hiding what are likely to be innocuous text conversations and you then feeling shut out and betrayed. Better to take a team approach and see if he can help you to feel better while also helping him to understand you and not feel too constrained by your demands.

[kevinhater]

Emma, my situation started out exactly like yours did.. although, because of my doubts in him, we only lived together for about 3-4 months.. although, we continued to stay together even though we didn't live together.

 

For my account of how things were ... to go the link below.

 

When I confronted him with one of the woman he was cheating on me with... he wouldn't say anything to either of us... just told us to get out of his place. He wasn't even man enough to say anything but the "I'm sorry I hurt you two" and then forced us out of his place.

 

He would tell her I was the ex because I had been with him longer.. almost a decade! He met her 2 yrs ago... and to me, he would assure me he would never contact her again. I found out about her this past April, I also know that he's been intimate with additional woman prior to that too, and each time, he assured me the wouldn't do it again. My own blindfold of love for him kept me in some kind of denial. Until recently, I built up the courage to confront him again and now it has ended.

 

Like you said, she could be labled anything, a friend, an ex, anything, but he definitely has feelings for this girl and who knows the stories he is telling to keep you and her around. Why would he be ashamed to tell you he's spoken to her or anything... if he truly has just a platonic friendship with her, he shouldn't be afraid to be open about anything ... bringing her around you or you around her... talking to her on the phone with you are sitting right next to him... etc. If he's keeping his communication with her a secret... then there's definitely something for you to question.

 

Do not hide your feelings... why surpress them when he's free to do whatever he wants with his feelings? You are worth it and you deserve to express yourself if you want to. If he really cares for you, he would listen to you and incorporate you into his decision making of how he needs to handle this situation. Do not leave it all up to him to stop seeing her or contacting her. Because, he won't.

 

My ex said to me once.. he can't help it if a girl is interested in him romanticly, he will not say anything to deter her from doing so. What kind of reasoning is that? It only leaves room for him to get involved with him and not make it seem like he was the one pursuing her, but to my ears, she's pursuing him and he won't bother to tell her he is not interested. But, that was just an excuse... he was interested.

 

ok ok, I'm rambling about my own situation.

[Iceman26]

What I don't trust is that he is and has been contacting his exgirlfriend, and only told you about it when he was caught. Coupled with the fact that you caught him sending her a text message when he said he wouldn't sounds like he is being dishonest.

 

I also don't care people who turn their own faults or issues around on other people. I wonder how he would feel if you were contacting an ex boyfriend.

[caro33]

Emma,

 

Am still with Hope75 on this. Yes, he has been dishonest, but he has also known you would get upset. Objectively that is the simplest reason for his omission, not because he wants this girl as more than a friend.

 

It was over with her four years before he even started going out with you. Four years! And six years all up! Unless there's a lot more to this that you don't know or aren't letting on about, the most obvious answer is that she is not a threat. She really has made the transition to platonic friend and shouldn't be viewed too strongly as "the ex".

 

What is the threat is this has driven something between you two, where he is holding things away from you. Your challenge is to address that.

 

Having said that, if he has agreed to stop something and he doesn't, and if the rules were VERY CLEAR and the issue is a big enough deal, the problem becomes more of a power struggle. If he refuses to engage with you on this you have a more fundamental value conflict, where he is not taking you seriously enough about something important to you. But try not to let your insecurity run this one - she really is not likely to be a threat. His need to keep a friend is also important and you should try to value that at least a little.

 

Good luck.