I did the right thing...didn't I?

[Georgia]

A year ago, I met a man and we began dating. A couple of weeks in to it, he made a comment about not wanting children. I have never been married, am approaching 40, and wasn't ready to close the door on that yet. I told this man that ultimately, I wanted a nice husband and perhaps a child and that perhaps we were not a match for one another. He seemed really upset, teared up, and asked that we continue to date to see if our priorities changed. He said he could "do the nice husband" thing, but no children for him. With some hesitancy, I continued dating him....and began falling in love.

 

The has been the sweetest, most loving relationship of my life. I can't begin to tell you what this man has meant to me, how wonderfully we have treated each other, it has been the happiest year of my life, and I would willingly forego trying to have a child for a life with this man.

 

6 months in to it, he said something that raised a red flag, some little remark about what he'd be doing when he was an old man (he's 47 allready), something that implied he'd still be the single bachelor. I said to him point blank " you know, what you just said makes it seem as if you are planning to remain a bachelor. You know, someday I would like to marry somebody.....and if that is something you are never going to choose for your life, and if you care about me at all, you will let me know that...." He didn't say one word. I thought he'd think about it, and if it was an issue he would let me know in the next day or so.

 

Here we are, a year after we met.....he says he will never live with or marry anybody because his first marriage was bad (it seems like an easy excuse). He understands that I need more....he insists that he can't give it....he cried, told me he's miss me.....and he will...and he's hurting, and I'm devastated. No one I know isn't shocked that we have split....everyone says that he just seemed so in to me. I think I did the right thing. A part of me wonders if I backed him into a corner, asked him for more than he was ready for, and if I had simply eased in to it....or done something, anything different, I would still have him here and it could all work out someday. I could go back to him .....but I have to believe him when he says he never wants a committment.

[Beec]

If he really was that upset when you left, he probably loves you, but not enough to committ. Been there, done that myself, but not in many years. It feels like crap, even when you are the dumper in this kind of instance. If what you had was not enough for you, then you did the right thing.

[Fisch]

Why exactly do you think he holds his desire to be unmarried above being with you? Does he just want a way out if things go awry like they did in his last marriage. It seems a bit pessimistic to think that it is worth losing a person you love just to avoid extra trouble if you break up, most of the hurt will be the same, it will just be more complicated. It is definitely not unreasonable for you to have broken it off because he refused a level of commitment that you and frankly most people at least leave open.

[hosswhispra]

but I have to believe him when he says he never wants a committment.

 

Welcome to enotalone, Georgia.

 

Unfortunately, you're right...you have to take his word that he never wants a committment. He's telling you the truth. It sucks.....but thank your lucky stars that you were not with him longer when he told you the truth.

 

Hang in there.

[RayKay]

Hey Georgia,

 

If marriage is important to you and you want it in your life, yes, you did the right thing. There are couples whom choose to never get married, between them, but they both agree to it. When one person wants to, and one doesn't, it can cause a lot of conflict, resentment, and ultimately one of you ends up feeling forced into a decision you did not really want.

 

After a year, and at this stage in your lives, he will know after this amount of time whether he sees you as a potential marriage partner or not, the fact he is clear about NOT wanting to get married indicates to me it won't happen, no matter how patient you may be.

 

His adamant stance on NOT wanting marriage is to me more than enough to say yes...he is telling you the truth and he won't marry you.