The force that bridges the gap...

[Lily04]

Hi everyone,

 

I really need your opinion on this.... I went out with a 31 yr old last week. He was interesting, and I'm not sure what will happen with it, but for now we're just dating... anyway, I am 21 years old. I was talking with my friend and he said that the main thing that bridges such an age gap is sex!! He couldn't explain though because he had to leave. But I feel completely differently and, as a virgin, am a bit upset that that would be the thing he thinks about... for me, it's definitely maturity levels. More specifically, similar goals in life, education/intellect, similar values and so forth... if you're a 21 yr old but share the same maturity level as a 31 yr old then I think such a relationship is completely workable and healthy. If you're immature and the intellectual levels are different, you just feel on a 'different wavelength' per se, then no, I do not think it will work.

 

ANOTHER issue is what if one partner is way more sexually advanced than the other? i.e. one of my friends said " it becomes an issue when the person is super old (or younger) and can't perform or keep up w/ the other in their sexual relations."

 

What if I am a virgin but my partner is very sexually experienced...?

 

Thanks,

 

Lily

[Beec]

You are worrying about this way too much right now.

 

The guy you went out with will do things for his reasons, not for the reasons some other guy thinks about.

 

And, if and when sex comes, how he treats it with you is important. He needs to care about you, help you relax and not rush you. If it happens, be into it. Hot sex is when you both want each other. And once you are doing it, don't be afraid to try things. You might also read about how to do things, because there are lots of books on how to have good sex. Don't worry too much about this stuff, it's not a big deal.

[Lily04]

Thanks Beec, you're probably right....but sex is such a big issue in today's society it's sometimes hard to think about the fact... that you're 21 and still a virgin. I don't regret that, honestly, because I didn't want to just have sex with some guy I didn't care about either... but when I'm entering relationships it's a bit hard to ignore as well.

 

Thanks again for your thoughts,

 

Lily

[Beec]

When the time is right let him know you are a virgin. If he runs screaming, then he was not the right guy. If he tries to push you, then he was not the right guy. When you think he is the right guy, when you know, then you will know.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Lily,

 

IMHO 10 years is still OK, but sort of the upper limit for you. You also want to be sure he is not married, and drop him if he is.

 

You may know the story of Rose, the gap with her ex was bigger, but still please be cautious.

 

Take it slow and see that he is into it for the long run.

 

All the best and Enjoy!

[Beec]

If you want to know what is the most commonly used formula for determining what is socially acceptable. You divide his age in half, then add seven to that number. So 31/2=15.5, to which you add 7, which adds up to 22.5. But IMO, it's really up to the two of you.

[Lily04]

lol, that age formula is funny... I think it's fine. My mom/dad's age difference is around 7-8 yrs and my aunt/uncle's is 11... plus I act like I'm at least 23 since I'm doing graduate work already and am very motivated, ambitious, and career-oriented... I don't think maturity would pose a problem at all. The main concern is sexual experience for me, which should be alright.

 

Thanks again,

 

Lily

[nottoogreen]

If you want to know what is the most commonly used formula for determining what is socially acceptable. You divide his age in half, then add seven to that number. So 31/2=15.5, to which you add 7, which adds up to 22.5. But IMO, it's really up to the two of you.

As it was explained to me by Egyptian friends, this is an ancient muslim formula dating back to the days when muslim men were encouraged to have up to four (4) wifes - able to bear children and spread over their life time due to large war losses in the male population.