I think I'm insane....

[sosad]

I'm not sure if this is appropriate for this forum but at this point I just need advice/help whatever you want to call it.

 

I've been in my relationship with my partner for over 7 years now. Since the beginning she's been controlling and very explosive. No she's never hit me, but she scares the hell out of me. We have 4 children ages 11-16 (all mine biologically). She controlling to the point that I can't function around her. I can't make a decision to save my life. I'm always wrong. If something happens it's always my fault. She tells me she doesn't respect me anymore because I'm weak. I woke up this morning and on my way to work I just wanted to ram my car into the guardrail doing 70 because I'm so tired and I'm so numb. But I don't know how to leave. After a weekend of screaming and yelling and her telling me how awful I was she brought me home flowers yesterday. She looked so sincere. But I can't really care anymore. She gives us a good life financially and my kids have what they need. But just what they need. I'm afraid my children are looking at me like I'm a loser because I "allow" this to happen. But I can't seem to get the words out that I want to go. She controls what I do, where I go, what I eat, what I wear, who I talk to, even what books I read. Now she has started controlling my relationship with my children, and I'm scared. I want out, please I just want out. How can I get her to leave me? How can I make her not want to be there anymore. I've tried everything I can, but I get scared every time and back down. I feel worthless without her, but scared and nauseous when I'm with her. She screams and stares at me for what seems like hours and no matter what I answer it's wrong.

 

All in all I think I've lost my mind, am I just crazy?

Please help!

[Fisch]

You are becoming overwhelmed with fear and feelings of hopelessness. Stop it man, she is abusing you. You need to stop backing down, stop letting your self esteem fall out, and expose her to what she is doing. It appears that there is nothing that can excuse her behavoir. For starters, a professional relationship counselor is needed in this situation, find one immediately. Any kind of helping professional would be a world of help, whichever you are most comfortable with really. You are definitely not the crazy one here, although you sound like you are getting driven crazy. It sounds like your wife has deep issues either alone or about your relationship and they have to be addressed.

[sosad]

I should have been clearer in my original post...I am also female. I do not know if that really matters........

[agent1607307371]

it doesn't matter.

 

You are not crazy and you are not in a healthy caring relationship.

 

You cannot make her leave, you have to leave her. You have the inner strength to do this, if you didn't you would not even be considering it.

 

You back down because you are in an abusive relationship cycle, there are other on here with more knowledge of that then I but it basically works by making you feel as though you can't survive without the thing that is causing you so much pain.

 

Do you have any friends or family that would be able to help you get and stay away from this woman?

Are there any womens shelters near where you are? If the worst comes to the worst.

[Beyondthesea]

You are not crazy, and you are not alone. I was also in an extremely abusive relationship, I couldn't function on my own or with my ex because I was absolutely under his mind control.

 

I assure you there is nothing you can do to make her want to leave. They need you to continue the cycle of abuse. It takes a lot of time and effort to condition someone so much to accept that behavior.

 

You need to make plans, and remind yourself that you can do it. You can get out. I started reminding myself how strong I am. I started having inspirational quotes in my purse and all around me.

 

Put money away, keep bags packed for you and the kids, and be prepared to run when you are ready. I know it's hard, it's SO hard, and no one who hasn't been through it will ever understand...but I have, and here I am. It was also 7 years for me.

 

Big hugs and mucho love.

[Aurian]

Five years for me, and he did similar things as your girlfriend did to you (you can read the stories of our ex-abusers in the Jekyll and Hyde thread in this forum). What you are saying really resonates, because my husband did the same things to me.

 

You're not crazy and you're not worthless. Those are lies that your girlfriend feeds your head with to make you controllable.

 

She will not leave of her own will. That is because she is getting something out of hurting you - it makes her feel better, or she likes to see someone hurting, or something like that. You need to make plans to leave yourself, and take your children with you. Do you have family who can support you in this trying time? Or a woman's shelter to go to?

 

Fortunately, I had a job of my own and had my own place. However, what does help very much is to get some counselling. I found that the counselling I got "deprogrammed" me enough to tell him to get out of my life. Its hard, because I still love him, but he was breaking me. Do you have any legal ties to her? (Married in Canada or her as the adoptive parent to your kids?) If so, talk to a lawyer. Many will give you a free (or for a nominal fee) consultation to outline your options.

 

Finally, it does not matter whether she is hitting you or not. She is hurting you nevertheless. They say words don't hurt, but "they" are wrong. Words hurt as much or more than a punch can.

 

We're here for you. You are right to want to leave this relationship. Unfortunately, you can't drive her away, you'll have to find a way to leave yourself. And stay strong, no matter how nice she acts once you start. Remember how you are feeling now. It helps to write it down or reread your threads when you are feeling weak. And of course, you can always write here.

[sosad]

Thank you all so much for you advise and kind words. I took a step today and looked at a house for me and the kids. It won't be available for another few weeks but that gives me time to save some money. I haven't found the nerve to tell her I'm leaving yet. And I don't know when that will happen. But I want to make sure I have everything prepared so I don't find myself out in the street with my children. She holds our home over my head and all the things in it. I don't care about that stuff. I can replace it. I've started bringing things that are important to me to my job and keeping them here. Pictures, papers stuff like that. I'm still so afraid, but I'm also feeling stronger because I've made the choice to leave. Our lives are very much entertained due to this being over 7 years. But those things will get resolved. I also finally told a good friend of ours who at my dismay was not shocked and said he thought this might be happening but I would never hear him out before. So he's there to help if needed. I'm lucky I have a good job and I can support us all without depending on her. The fear is still first and foremost, but I'm praying that the steps I am taking help me in getting and staying strong.

 

So thank you all so much. Realization of what has actually been happening to me has been like a hard slap in the face. How can someone be so blind for so long? The fact of the matter is now I know....and now I can take back my life and my soul.

 

Wish me luck!!

[sosad]

I apologize I didin't answer a couple of your questions...I am so excited about the house I found I just flew threw the posts. No I have no family..they are all on the west cost..me on the east coast. And no we have no legal ties, no marriage and I've never allowed her to adopt any of the children. Thank goodness. In that aspect I was always able to stay strong. I hope this feeling stays with me, because I havent' felt this light and strong and well happy in a very long time!!!

[nottoogreen]

Hi sosad,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone,

 

It is wise you prepare. Move what's important and sensible in order for her not to realize your intentions.

 

Please do not tell her until you and your kids are safe, just leave when she is out.

 

Afterward, you may deal with her about belongings.

 

For your emotional strength:

Most important to remember and perform.

This is the most important part of this guide. Please take it seriously as your success largely depends on it.

• You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
  
• Look after your body and love yourself!
  
• When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
  
• You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
  
• You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
  
• Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
  
• Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
  
• Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
  
• Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
  
• Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
  
• Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
  
• Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
  
• Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing, a journal and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
  
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
  
• Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!
  

 

This may help you to understand her: link removed, Please tell us how she matches up.

 

We always will be here for you!

[sosad]

I'm in the middle of reading "Losers - How to spaot a lsoer, this on is so bad", and I'm feeling terrifed and nauseous. This is her! So many of these things are her! Why didn't I know????

[nottoogreen]

Well, perhaps school does not teach what's needed I think 50 hours spread over 5 years would be mostly enough to better prepare people to deal with life.

 

Sorry for the rant.

 

Please give us more detailed feedback whenever you are ready.

[sosad]

Well so much of it is easy to see when you are reading it. Her temper..she loses it at the smallest of things, like if I start cooking before she gets home. Or if I make an appoinment without asking. She'll scream and hit things. And she stares at me, it feels like forever and her eyes shake she's staring so hard and she won't say a word, then after what seems like forever she'll scream! And the Mean Sweet Cycle...scream and yell and make me feel stupid and on edge and say horrible things then bring me home flowers and take the kids for ice cream (she knows the kids are the way to my heart). Then it could be 2 days later or just a few hours, I'll do something wrong and she'll freak out again. Then ignore me until I can't it anymore, sometimes that lasts for days. It drives me crazy. Everything is always my fault. No matter what it is. Our fridge just recently went out, when I told her it finally broke (it was 14 years old) she lost it. Told me that if I would have paid more attention to myself and the kids shutting the door correctly it wouldn't have broken. It doesn't matter what it is, it will come back around to me. Normally I just agree that it's my fault and that stops the screaming. I could go on and on. She corrects me when I'm speaking, if I mispronouce a word, and she'll make me say it over and over again. It doesnt matter if there is someone else there or not. But I think the Walking On Eggshells is the biggest thing. I am always nervous and worried and scared about what I say or what I'm doing. When she comes home I have to run to the bathroom or basement, I can't be where she'll see me because I need that few seconds to stop the pounding. I'm not allowed to be comfortable.

 

Thank you for the article...right now I just feel pathetic for putting up with everything for so long.

[nottoogreen]

Thank you, she is psychotic, my 2nd ex was similar bad would hit me too, please be careful.

 

If you have questions or need help just ask.

[sosad]

Yes unfortunately you are right. I'm reading so many posts of so many people in the same situation, and its truly amazing. It's like there is a light over our heads that says...yes go ahead abuse us. How do they find us, then rope us in and then spit us out time and time again. But the light at the end of the tunnel..the underlying theme is you can get out! It's a chant that I'll keep saying under my breath until I can finally do the deed. You can get out...

[nottoogreen]

As to the light, it was my fault, I got involved with her in a hurry while being depressed over the loss of my first love and wife.

 

So please, be patient and be sure you healed!

[sosad]

OH the last thing I could imagine thinking about right now is anyone else. I want control of my life again from my finances to the remote control....control. Certainly not having to worry about anyone else's needs my children's and mine. I'm very glad you got out green....

[nottoogreen]

Sure, control sounds nice, and was a contributing factor in the failure of my relationships. My current gf is my third LTR beyond 2 years and she could not put up with me until I dropped all contol.

 

You see, in life balance seems to be important but we dream and hop and hope from one extreme to the other.

 

Please evaluate your feelings about why you did choose her in the first place.

 

I was abused and ridiculed as a child and youth, got started age 23 with plenty of inconfidence, trust and easy-attach-due-to-lack-of-love issues.

 

Do not have regrets, take your time and once you are out of there and feel ready to venture out again, let's talk about it here or wherever you feel it is right for you. Professional counseling may be of benefit too.

 

You have kids and I too, and I do not want to put kids through what we went through.

 

 

[sosad]

I've spent alot of time thinking about what it was about her that I was so attacted too. And I think it's because she was so self confident. So in control of her own life at a very young age. I had been threw two failed marrages and was tired. I think you are right in that I ran to her thinking things would be different instead of spending time finding out who I was and what I really wanted. I don't want to make that mistake again. And as far as the kids go I don't want them to watch me allowing this. I want them to grow up and respect the decisions I made, not feeling sorry for me or not repect me at all. I want them to be strong. My mother was a demanding and frighting woman, my father was quiet and took it from her my whole life. We all did. I was never hit by anyone, but I keep finding the same controlling angry people to be with. The ones that I can "help". It's going to take me a long long time to figure out where my head is. Talking it out here is helping.

[nottoogreen]

My mom was viciously abusive, my dad turned alcoholic and passed when I was 14. I am unable to totally evaluate their situation but I am sure that it contributed to my issues above.

 

Thus, you want to work on resolving your childhood trauma, it's likely the origin of the failure of your failed marriages (I have two under my belt too), and it could go wrong again.

 

If you want to talk about what hurt, angered you as early as you can remember, just go ahead.

 

I give you some examples of broken expectations of a child.

 

• Living in a happy family
  
• Parents love each other
  
• Feeling loved by parents
  
• Feeling respected in school
  
• .. add
  

 

Whenever you want to talk about this, resolve it and let it go, go ahead.

[sosad]

· Feeling safe

· Not feeling alone

· Getting a hug when you need one

· Hearing I love you

· To be clothed, fed and cared for without guilt

· To have been wanted at birth

 

We all have broken expectations from childhood…my mother was insane. I don't want to be like her. That's a fear. Even when she was dying I was afraid of her. And now she's going and I feel guilt. My whole life was based on guilt from the woman. And guilt controls my life now. It's a cycle I realize…one that I want to stop and refuse to continue with my own children.

For now I'm going to go home and figure out a way to get threw the weekend without any blowups (that is not possible I realize) but I'm going to attempt it. Keep the strength that I've gotten from everything and everyone here (especially you Green) and make it back to my haven at work on Monday morning.

 

Stay safe and free!!

[nottoogreen]

· · To have been wanted at birth

I heared many times: I never wanted children

Stay safe and free!!

You toooo.

[MI_Shell]

You are not crazy you have been in a crazy situation. Step by step plan your exit you must leave asap and don't wait for her to leave.

 

Well done on finding a place. Don't tell her anything say nothing. Leave with someone to help you when she is out and try to not let her know where you are.

Put yourself first. You have taken a brave step and have good things working for you such as a job and friend to talk to.

 

Don't be hard on yourself for not seeing things in her sooner rather be proud of yourself for leaving.

[TriCervelo]

Dear SoSad,

I was so sorry to hear of everything you've been going through. I recently made my boyfriend move out due to his excalating verbal and physical assaults. One thing that has really helped me was a book called "Why Does He DO That? Inside the minds of angry and controllilng men" The author is Lundy Bancroft.

 

Now I know you said your partner is also female; don't let that title turn you off because the author does a very thoughtful job of talking about abusive relationships as a collective. He really helps you understand a lot of what you're feeling and why. He really validates the person on the recieving end of the abuse. He also helps you know that it IS NOT your fault in any way. He gives excellent resources for help, things to expect once you make the actual break and how you can keep you and your children safe.

 

Its a tough read but very eye opening. I applaud your courage. I know its really scary to do what you're doing. For what its worth, I believe in you!