HELP! I dont want to lose her!

[Tdean]

First off, I don't do the internet thing often, so I am sorry if this is a little bit long. But I am posting this on a couple different sites, cuz I really want some advice.

I moved in with my girlfriend after we'd been together about a year, and it hurt our relationship. things got to a breaking point after several months, at which point I thought we'd worked everything out. One thing she was worried about was she thought I was cheating. She said I'd been acting like it- ignoring her and going out all the time without her, cancelling plans when she wanted to come along, and I admit it looked bad. But I told her it wasn't true, and she believed me, I think.

Then a couple weeks later, one of my old friends and his girlfriend told her that I had another girlfriend named Nicole, and that I brought other girls to their house all the time to fool around. To make matters worse, she found a text message that I'd sent to my ex, whose name is Nicole, after I'd told her that I didn't even know anyone named Nicole. There was also an instance where I said I was at my mom's but I wasn't, and she found out.

This was a few months ago, and she says she believes me, but sometimes I can see in her eyes that she still wonders what I'm doing. Fact is, I've never cheated on her! I don't know why my friends would say that. She also says that she doesn't like who she's become since this happened, and I understand. She never used to be jealous or look thru my stuff, and I can just see the sadness in her eyes when I leave, like I know she's gonna be wondering where I really am.

I am wondering how I can fix this, because I love her dearly, and I am afraid she is gonna leave me when our lease is up next month. I also want to see her happy again- I made things worse about a month ago, when I tried to just break up with her cuz I was tired of not being trusted, and now I know that she has no real confidence in this relationship. I want to earn her trust again, but I don't know how.

[lady00]

Why did you lie to her those times when you said you didn't know anyone named Nicole and that you were are your mom's house when you weren't? She knows you have already lied to her so she's probably thinking "what else has he lied about?" As for your friends and the whole cheating story...that confuses me greatly. Why would they just make that up? Out of the blue? Are they trying to sabotage your relationship? I can't see why...that part of the story doesn't make sense to me.

[Beec]

Well she has reason not to trust you. Read your post, and it seems you lied to her at least twice. Once, you told her you did not know a Nicole, when you did. Second time, when you were not where you said you would be. So, there is some reason for her not to trust you, even though the reason may not be because you cheated. You did not tell her the truth, which is reason to be suspicious. You did not say if she knows how and why this happened, but she should be told, and it should not happen again.

 

Not much more to say about that topic. You can refuse to tell her things, you can keep secrets, but don't get caught in a lie. If you lie, confess it before you are caught.

 

OK, now for the more difficult part. She won't leave if she feels the way you want her to feel. And she wants to feel special. But she does not want you chasing after her all the time. What to do? Well what I would do is back off for a short while. For this week, act like she is a roommate, a friend, and not a lover, for most of the time. Just withdraw a little, but not so far as to mkae it obvious that you have gone cold. It should seem that you have gone a little cold. Make her wonder what's up, think something might be, but not know for sure. It's not you rejecting her, it's you not seeking her attention. In a sense, you giv eher the same feeling you have now. Create a little tension.

 

Then release the tension. This weekend, romance your woman. It need not be costly, but it should involve the two of you, dinner and a romantic atmosphere. It would be great if you arranged for her to be out and come home to dinner prepared for her or being cooked. It would also be good if the next day you just had fun together. So, try to plan accordingly.

[Tdean]

It was stupid to lie, but I thought it was gonna look really bad if I had an ex named Nicole, or I said I was eating with my mom but decided to go elsewhere. And I know now that that backfired, and I have apologized.

As for my friends, it confuses me too. I don't think they would just make it up, I think it was a misunderstanding, but I don't know how it happened. The weird part is, I rarely see these people! They never answer their phone, and when I do see them it's a t a party with a bunch of other people and not the right time to bring it up. She thinks that because I've seen them and not confronted them, it's evidence that I did cheat. I just don't think she's looking at my side of the situation.

[Beec]

I just don't think she's looking at my side of the situation.

 

Lose this thought. Your side is not going to keep her. All that matters is how she feels.

[Tdean]

I just think that lying about being at my mom's and lying about cheating are 2 different things. If she really trusted me, wouldn't she know that I would not lie about something so important? I'm just not sure what she expects of me. I tell her everything, I try to give her anything she needs. I know I was treating her badly, but I've changed that, and she says I treat her really well, but she just won't let this one thing go. She even told me that if I talked to my friend and came back to her with an explanation of the misunderstanding, then she might just think that I made that up too, so why should I even bother to talk to him if it isn't gonna help?

[Beec]

Because if you lied about small little things, then you lied. Wouldn't you be more likely to lie to cover up something that was really worth lying about? Most people would.

 

I think you should do what I recommended. It will take time to make her feel like she can trust you again, possibly quite some time. Don't oush her on that, and make her feel special. Create tension, just a little, and release it.

[babypink61]

You kinda of brought that up upon yourself. I can see how she doesn't trust you. If you aren't going to be at your mom's, why don't you just tell her the truth? You say you have never cheated on her, so what are you scared of? And you say you'd cancel plans with her and wouldn't take her out with you, that just seems really shady to me . . .

[Tdean]

I'm just sick of her being depressed all the time. I told her why I lied about those things, but I guess it isn't enough for her. She says she's tired of feeling like one of those stupid girls that lets their boyfriends cheat, but i didn't cheat! I don't know why my friends said that, but I would hope she would believe me over them. I guess not.

See, this is the most serious relationship she's ever been in. She was really cautious about love before, and I think she just doesn't understand that if you're gonna be with someone, you have to trust them. She's 24 years old- I love her, but I think she's acting like a teenager. Everytime we are at a party and these people who told her show up, she gets all sad and weird. She's always saying that i really need to talk to them and find out why they said it, but I didn't do anything wrong, so why can't I just hang out with my friends without having to deal with her drama?

[Beec]

One of your prime duties in a relationship is making your partner feel secure. I am all for creating a little tension and have been criticized for telling people to do things that will manipulate. But it's my job to let my woman feel that she can trust me, feel that I can go out with my friends, when women are around, and that nothing is going to happen.

 

You will need to do that with her. It's going to take some effort. Is she worth it?

 

When did all this happen? How long has it gone on for?

[Aurian]

Now you're blaming her for not trusting you... after you lied to her twice. She is not acting like a teenager, she is acting like someone she trusted seems to be untrustworthy. Your friends told her that you cheated on her. Plus, you lied to her, which makes her think you are lying about your friends and about the not-cheating too. If you lie about the little small stupid things, of course you would lie about the big dramatic things, in most people's thinking.

 

Its not her drama. Your friends tried to break your relationship. Its THEIR drama. Aren't you concerned at all about why they did it? I would be disturbed myself if my boyfriend didn't seem to care about his friends lying to me. Of course she gets sad and weird. Someone here is lying to her and she does not know who to trust. Plus, you don't even seem to care that your friends are lying, which makes her wonder if they were not lying after all....

[Tdean]

 

When did all this happen? How long has it gone on for?

 

She first heard this months ago, and it was within a few days after that when she found the text messages and caught me lying about being at my mom's. I have been nothing but honest with her since, and she says she wants to be with me. But I still don't feel like she trusts me. If she trusted me, why would she have believed my friends in the first place? I feel like, if she wants some big confrontation then SHE should talk to them and leave me out of it. I agree that it's not her fault, but it's not mine either. It's been a long time and I think she should have let it go by now. Seriously, I understand her side of it, but she either trusts me or she doesn't. She'll be happy & our relationship will be normal, then out of nowhere she'll say, "so Rich was at that party last nite, did you talk to him?" Just when i think we're past this, she brings it up again.

[Beec]

She is not back to trusting you, so you are not past it. When will you get past it, who knows? She seems to want to see something from you she has not yet seen. It may not be what she tells you either.

 

She was given reason not to trust you. And she may very well want to trust you again, but that's not how she feels and how she feels is really all that matters. So you need to think about how she needs to feel to trust you again.

[Tdean]

I care about how she feels, but I don't think she realizes that I am in this relationship too. It DOES matter how I feel, and I feel like no matter what I do, she will never trust me. I've never cheated on ANYONE, but how do I prove it?

[Hope75]

I just think that lying about being at my mom's and lying about cheating are 2 different things. If she really trusted me, wouldn't she know that I would not lie about something so important? I'm just not sure what she expects of me. I tell her everything, I try to give her anything she needs.

 

Lying is lying is lying. Sorry friend, but you dug yourself in this hole and now you are going to need to work to get out if.

 

Why the heck did you lie about those things? It's pretty clear why she doesn't trust you. She doesn't really trust you, because you have given her good reason not to.

 

And if it were me and my friends started a rumor about me cheating on my gf and she heard it and was upset, I'd be all over those friends trying to find out what the heck was going on and why they would do that to me.

 

Your ambivilence to me shows that you are quite possibly guilty.

 

Are you sure there isn't more to this story?

 

Because I'm having trouble believing that you didn't cheat, and I don't even know you.

[Tdean]

Why would I lie here? That doesn't make any sense.

[Beec]

OK, you are in it to, but you can see how you gave her reason to feel insecure about this, and, ok, maybe your friends helped.

 

I think what you need to realize is that it will take time and also some clear investment on your part. But the right kind of investment.

 

One of my worries for you is that it I kind of get the feeling you have been trying to do whatever she asks of you over the past couple months, except talk to these friends. If you are being too nice, that could work against you too. I would not suggest any quick changes there though. Be careful with quick changes.

 

What kind of investment would I do? The first thing I suggested would be one. THe second thing would be to tell my friends: "This is my woman, she is the one I want, and that will have to be OK with you." Which might help. I'd bet she wants you to stick your neck our for her and the two of you, to put something on the line. Do it.

[Tdean]

I think she wants me to accuse my friends of lying. I don't believe that they lied, I think it was a mistake. I love her and I would do anything for her, but I hate the fact that she still refuses to trust me. My friends like her, they would not try to break us up. I need to make her understand that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding.

[Beec]

Tdean, you are still looking at it from how you feel. Stop and try to think about how she feels. She may not want you to fight with your friends or accuse them of lying, even if she asks for it. But explanations and logic will not do it. It just won't. You need to address how she feels, and need to make feel the right way. Stop thinking in terms of logic. Emotions are not logical.

[Tdean]

She says that if it really wasn't true, I would have already spoken to them about it. That's her only problem, is that I haven't confronted my friends.

[Hope75]

Why would I lie here? That doesn't make any sense.

 

It doesn't make any sense that you lied to your gf either. Can you explain it better? I'm just not getting it.

 

I think she wants me to accuse my friends of lying. I don't believe that they lied, I think it was a mistake. I love her and I would do anything for her, but I hate the fact that she still refuses to trust me. My friends like her, they would not try to break us up. I need to make her understand that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding.

 

Have you actually talked to them about this? If my friends told my bf this I would be mad as a hornet and want to get to the bottom of it right away.

[Beec]

That's what she says. What does she feel? I think the words I suggested for your friends are the right words to use, in that regard. It's not an accusation that they lied. And it does what she probably needs to feel.

[Tdean]

But my friends know how I feel about her. She wants them to tell her that it wasn't true.

[Beec]

What I am telling you is not getting through. It's how she feels, not what she says. You are not seeing the difference.

[Tdean]

So how am I supposed to know how she feels if she won't tell me? That's lying, too.