NO CONTACT graphic - feedback please!

[river dog]

I have read a lot here and it has helped me enormously so thanks! I wanted to put something back so I have tried to put all your NC advice into a graphic form.

 

Here is a draft, tell me what you think I am missing, got wrong etc. and whether it would be of use to you, as I work on it some more.

 

link removed

 

You may have to maximise your browser to see it clearly.

 

Let me know,

 

River Dog.

 

Note: I am no expert and made this from my experience, other sources, posts and comments.

[rnorth]

This is good..... but I just hope you take some time to enjoy and think about other things!

[river dog]

This is good..... but I just hope you take some time to enjoy and think about other things!

 

Thanks, it's an intellectual exercise that has distanced me from it in a way. I am using my head to plan it out so my heart doesn't run amok and come back with bruised knees. That is not going to happen again

 

Fail to plan, or plan on failing.

 

River Dog

[PRSOV]

That is so good, thank you for sharing...

 

It's like a mind map for NC... haha awesome!

[heartless123]

This is a very nice tool. Now, if everybody can pitch in and correct where there are errors, this could be like the open source guide to talking with an ex.

[PRSOV]

It's just really easy to read, understand and follow...

 

Seeing as NC is such a fundamental tool on the forum this should be made permanent link up the top so new people can understand it more easily as well as just having it explained to them.

 

PR

[DN]

It's good - except the one thing missing are responses to "I made a mistake and I want you back".

[river dog]

It's just really easy to read, understand and follow...

 

Seeing as NC is such a fundamental tool on the forum this should be made permanent link up the top so new people can understand it more easily as well as just having it explained to them.

 

PR

 

Too kind. The brain takes in information much more efficiently as a graphic than in words. I am degendering it as we speak.

[river dog]

Good point. What is the best response? I have put it in for now but I am no expert.

 

Keep the suggestions coming.

[stolenshadow]

Okay, I'm not an expert either but maybe somebody else can correct it if I'm wrong.

 

"They want you back?": Proceed with caution, talk lots even if subjects are difficult, make sure the reasons for the break-up are sorted.

 

Those could be the main ones, other things to remember are "It didn't work for a reason/The person can try a reconciliation only as an ego boost/They can leave again/It can end up as a "light switch" relationship if you take them back" and the like, but that ends up depending on various things, no general rule can be set, maybe.

[river dog]

Thanks, I can't argue with your analysis. Another analysis could be that the grass they ran off to turned not to be so much greener after all, or they got scared or they are driven to a point of "no choice" by others. All of these have happened to me.

 

NC has worked for me many times in the past - none of those relationship worked out in the end but they almost all came to a healthier closure.

 

I am looking for the kind of words to use immediately if they call with the "wanting you back" angle.

 

On my graphic is what I would say:

 

"I am not sure how I feel right now. Let me think about it".

 

That way I get the ball and can take a little time to decide what to do with it.

 

For me, NC is working very well.

 

It was a short relationship but affected me very badly and I have a lot of stuff to sort through.

 

I will post again on my progress and what I am doing about it.

[stolenshadow]

That's true, it can be another option, a "settling" scenario.

 

Generally speaking I think closure is given mostly by yourself, if the other person is not willing to react maturely or how you feel is best that's no excuse to keep struggling.

 

But yes, the "let me think about it" line sounds good, it will definitely give extra tools to deal with the situation and possibly even test their real intentions.

 

I hope you keep making progress with your own healing process.

[river dog]

But yes, the "let me think about it" line sounds good, it will definitely give extra tools to deal with the situation and possibly even test their real intentions.

 

Gotta sleep. Been running on adrenalin all day but I see it as a stalling tactic:

 

1. Get the ball i.e. some control back, or at least feel that I have.

2. Figure out what I want to do about it.

3. Make them wait is a small pay off in of itself. God knows I waited.

4. Get it in before my stupid little heart wakes up and opens it's gob.

 

G'night

 

River Dog

[Daddy Bear]

a graphic flowchart of my current NC philosophy would look something like this:

 

she's gone ==> move on

[stolenshadow]

Gotta sleep. Been running on adrenalin all day but I see it as a stalling tactic:

 

1. Get the ball i.e. some control back, or at least that I have.

2. Figure out what I want to do about it.

3. Make them wait is a small pay off in of itself. God knows I waited.

4. Get it in before my stupid little heart wakes up and opens it's gob.

 

G'night

 

River Dog

 

 

Well, point #3 goes against the NC purpose itself (which is healing) and if done with a different intention it can backfire (thoughts of "I should have replied faster" if things don't work out will appear).

 

Point 1 and 2 can be part of the "I got stronger when you weren't around" behaviour, so they are fine.

[river dog]

Well, point #3 goes against the NC purpose itself (which is healing) and if done with a different intention it can backfire (thoughts of "I should have replied faster" if things don't work out will appear).

 

Umm, I was being selfish and talking about my situation. Scrub #3. Thanks for the feedback.