im on the misery go round..cant get off

[jue]

i think im on the misery go round{let them go}..its been 15wk ,yes im still counting in weeks.since my partner of 11yrs left me for someone else.in fact i know her we all grew up together she was his first love of24yrs ago..

 

yes.i still love him and miss him terribly

he is very happy and in love

 

how is it possible he can just wipe me out,which he has done..im friends with his sister so i know that he has taken her round his family..but one of my problems is between us we have a couple who she is my best mate and her partner is his best mate

 

i know he is getting ready to take her there..and now trying to push me out of this and bring her in..my friends partner does not like me never as..he as a different rule for my ex and one for me...

 

thats not the problem..my problem is me...i cant seem to move on..or i dont want to..i want to be with him,i cant understand how he as just continued like i never was.and she is the bees knees...whats wrong with me..why did he pick her..why doesnt he love me anymore,,what did i do wrong..

i know im rambling.but i just cant make sense of it anymore..im a grown woman..

 

my heart is broken..

[majord23]

thats not the problem..my problem is me...i cant seem to move on..or i dont want to..i want to be with him,i cant understand how he as just continued like i never was.and she is the bees knees...whats wrong with me..why did he pick her..why doesnt he love me anymore,,what did i do wrong..

 

And there's your problem jue.

 

You have acknowledged that you are the problem (a BIG step forward btw) but then you are asking questions that you may never know the answer to, and also questions that you have NO control over.

 

By 'you being the problem', I don't mean that you were the cause of the break-up - I mean that the source of your pain is coming from inside you...and that's what you have to work on. Letting that pain, and your ex, go.

 

You, as easy as it is for me to say, have to focus on yourself. I know how hard it is NOT to focus on your ex when he is with someone else...but you have to try to stop dwelling on what he is doing, and start looking at things that are going to make *you* feel better.

 

A trick that I picked up from the board (not sure if it was this board or another) was this: Every time a thought came into my head of my ex with her new man, I would imagine a missile coming from out of the blue and blowing up the thought in my head.

 

Sounds stupid, but it works.

 

Cry, scream, write an abusive email and then don't send it, have a 'newly single' party...do WHATEVER you have to do to get this out of your system. When I say 'whatever'...I mean things that do *not* involve anything to do with your ex. And then vow to not waste another second dwelling on him.

 

It *does* get better with time, you just have to tough it out, stay strong and most of all - *believe* that you deserve better and that you will find it.

 

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

Hang in there - and keep posting.

[Relationship Coach]

Jue,

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain at this time. It's hard to answer your questions as to why he did this to you but listening and helping you to cope is something this place is great for. The key to what you said yourself is "I can't seem to move on...or I don't want to." You were together for 11 years, 15 weeks is hardly enough time for many in your situation to move on. He did what he did and no one can control that but him. So you must focus on what you can control and that is what course of actions are you willing to take to heal. You have to stop getting updates on what he is doing, this serves no purpose and can only hurt you more. He left you for someone else, this has no reflection on you as to what you lack, maybe his taste or desires changed. Stop looking to take the blame by asking yourself, "what did I do wrong". Sometimes people make stupid mistakes and he probably made a big one that he will someday regret. Your recovery period is going to be slow and hard but in the end you will be better off and stronger. You deserve to be happy, don't let the fact that he is happy now ruin your chances of finding happiness once again.

 

RC

[brando]

I agree with major and RC, it is still fresh. But you will need to start focusing on what makes you happy and not dwel on him.

 

SOmetimes questions will go unaswered, other times the answers are slowly revealed to us as we begin and continue to heal.

 

I can identify with how you must feel, it wasn't to long ago when my ex wanted a divorce... but life does go on, and you will to.

 

Feel the emotions, feel the pain, write keep a journal, scream cry let it all out. And then you will begin to heal.

 

Keep posting on these boards. THere are many many wonderful people here who have and are going through the same situation, share your stories as they share theirs, and we will help eachother get through this part of your life.

 

 

be well,

brando

[jue]

major,rc and brando.

thank you for your quick replies.i know the problem now lies with me, this is the first time in my life anything like this as happened to me.i believed we would be together forever

i know i have to heal,but that seems easier said than done

my heart is ruling my brain, and at this time i really cant see me with another

 

all my friends are in couples i do not have any single friends.so obviously they wish to spend their time with them, and i think are fed up of me going on

 

i just want to wake up and not think of him, and the pain to have gone..

im 37 and ive been dumped..i go to work come home and the nights are lonely , mornings are not great either..i sound so pathetic

 

i always thought i was stronger than this..how wrong could i have been.

[tretneo]

Jue,

 

I think we all like to think that we are stronger than we really are. My GF of 2 1/2 years recently (about 4 weeks ago) just left me for a woman 15 years older than her and I am still in a state of shock. I was happy and comfortable with her. She seemed to be totally in love with me and we talked many many times about our future together as a certainty.

 

The last contact I had with her was an e-mail she sent me early Friday morning in which she told me she already feels as though she made a mistake and she misses me but so much has happened that it is too late for us at this point not to mention she has another person involved in it all now.

 

Now as I sit here today I am beyond the unable to function stage and moved on to disbelief and a sort of calm empty feeling. I still miss her very much and if I dwell on her I feel myself getting very sad.

 

Anyway sorry to talk so much about myself but I just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel and everything that you are talking about is very normal as I am beginning to learn. I myself feel that I was thrown out with the trash by the person that I love more than anything in the world and I thought loved me just as much. Although the future isn't written yet I felt as though I had a real picture of my future with a wonderful woman that loved me and would always be there by my side. I now find that the picture that I loved and was excited to see develop has been erased without me having any ability to stop it or save it. I don't feel as though I am a power freak or one that likes to have control, but when it has to do with our future and our love it is very scary and sad to feel that we have no control.

 

But keep posting here. These people here are very helpful and with time you and I will both truly believe what they say and that we are in control of our future and we don't need these people that hurt us in order to be happy and productive. There are people that will love us as we are and we don't need to pine over and cry over because they won't hurt us this way.

 

Rob

[jue]

tretneo.thanks for your reply

i understand what people are saying but at this moment it just doesnt seem as if any of it will come true, i know i have to make it happen myself..but just dont seem able to

 

im now sat here at 7.55am getting ready for work and i have found yet another morning really hard, i dont want to go to work,but i have to

 

he is always in my thoughts..i want him to miss me the way i miss him,but i know he doesnt because he is happy with her

if you had told me at xmas that ,that would be our last one because by april he would leave me for someone else.i would have laughed and asked what were you on..i know he loved me .i just dont know when it died

 

i dont want to be alone anymore,it really is a killer..i walk around my house back and forth trying hard not to think of him, i try doing other things but he just pops in my head, and that feeling in my stomach,i fight back the tears

 

each day i wake , hoping this will be the day when im over him..i dont cry like l did,but it still hurts and the pain has not eased in these passing months.if anything it feells like it is getting worse

sometimes this all just doesn't feel real..like a nightmare i will soon awake from

and when friends talk of their partners .for that spilt second i remember that me and him will never do anything together again ..that hurts