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alyx1
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post contains jelousy, cheating, lying, spouse and child, snooping, and so much more please post back- and if im in the wrong tell me.. or just give me overall advice

 

I am so lost in my relationship right now. A slight background about me since im new to the fourum. I am 20 years old, and have a 2 1/2 month old daughter with my bf who i have been living with for the last year and have been with for about two years. When we first met, he was seeing another girl, but he told me everything between them was over and they were just friends. Later on he has said comments about how he left her for me and stuff like that. How she grew away from that person and was just kind of dating her for months because he just didnt have a reason to actually break up with her. But once i came along it gave him the reason to actually stop seeing her. I know he still talks to her, and went out to eat with her once since we have been together, and he rubs in my face that she still wants to "get" with him and how he had to tell her no because he was with me. Besides her, i have found him lying to me about a lot of stuff.. the majority of it is all before our daughter was born, but it still makes me not trust him. Several of times he said he was going out with a friend (and would mention a guy friends name) i would later find out that he went to the movies and dinner with another girl (multiple times multiple girls) I would find out because he would post on a message board about going to see a movie and who he was with, once it was "should i "hit" it or not" and posted pictures about her. After seeing that he lied to me a few times i snooped, which i know i shouldnt have done but he says i was in the wrong for snooping and i cant use anything against him that i found in that manner. Yet what i found was he was "madly in love" with another girl he started talking to, he wrote to a mutual friend about how i was driving him nuts and how he really really likes this other girl. He was leaving on a trip to go see her for a week when he told me he was going with his buddies on a trip to mexico. I found out before he left to go see her and told him that if he leaves on to go see her, everything is over when he gets back i will already be moved out. Well he didnt go. but he didnt stop either. Every time i left to go spend time at my family's place he would go out with another girl. The first time he took out my car and got a ticket, then told me he was with his "friends" his friend later slipped up and started talking about the "two girls he was haning out with" that night. He cheated on his last gf and left her for me. I am worried that he is just using me like he did her, until he finds something else that comes along then will just do the same thing. I dont want to leave him on the assumption because we do have a daughter together and that is making everything difficult. But i dont want to stay and be used and feel hurt all the time. There is a lot more to this "drama story" but i just want some advice and if you want more indept either ask me to post more, or just send me a message. i really need to talk about this and its tearing me apart. I dont have any friends i can talk to in real life- i moved here to be closer to him and know nobody- and i dont want to talk to family because i dont want them "hating him for what he is doing or done"

 

Please help

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Sweetie,

 

I know this is tough to see, especially when he is the father of your child, but is using you, lying to you, and neither you or your daughter deserve this. If you stay with him through this treatment, your daughter will believe herself this is how SHE should be treated in the future, and I know you would not want that for her.

 

You deserve better. He can still be your child's father, but that does not mean he has to be YOUR partner...because he has shown time and time again he is unfaithful, disrespectful and dishonest.

 

And I CANNOT believe he would say something like "you can't use" that information against him as you snooped...um, no! You snopping does not give him a "get out of jail free" card! He was STILL in the wrong and has ABSOLUTLY NO RIGHT to blame you for his actions.

 

Your family SHOULD hate him for what he is doing and had done. You should hate him for it, and it scares me you don't! They may hate him, but they WILL be there for you and support you.

 

You deserve better, and this childish boy is NOT the one whom is going to provide what you deserve.

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Your situation is especially difficult because you have a baby with this guy. My advice, though, would be to leave him and start over. He's been lying to you, being unfaithful to you. You can't trust him, and that is not a good environment to raise your child in. You are worried about your family hating him for what he's done if they find out. You don't need to protect him, he's a big boy. He has made mistakes and he needs to own up to them. I think your family's biggest concern, if you turn to them and tell them everything, would be the safety and security of you and your baby. Would your family support you until you are able to get on your feet? Do you have anyone to turn to?

 

This man is not giving you the support and love you and your baby need. Maybe someday he will shape up and be the man you need him to be, with some therapy. But for now, think of what is best for the baby and yourself.

Remember that you both deserve someone who is trustworthy and caring, who will put you two first. And your baby needs to grow up with some healthy role models that will foster healthy self esteem. You owe your child so much more than what this current situation is offering.

 

Good luck with everything.

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sometimes it's difficult to read a situation when you're in it. pretend a friend with a similar situation came up to you. "my b/f is pretty much cheating on me with women, abusing my trust"... what advice would you offer her? don't let this continue. if you continue to allow it, you're basically saying that you're fine with his behavior. don't let him treat you like a doormat.

 

i don't know how some people get like this in the world, that they feel that they're above people, that they can treat people like crap. it's NOT right and there are people in the world that will treat you right. i'm lucky enough to surround myself with friends that treat people right and would treat their SO right. so kick this guy to the curb so that you can find yourself something that you deserve (and everybody in the world deserves to be treated with respect).

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well, firstly I want to say that I am so so sorry you are being put in this situation. Only you will be able to make the final decision whether you stay with him or not. I will say that you should not stay with him just because you guys have a kid together. Like RayKay said he can still be the father of your child. If I were you it would be so hard to leave, but I would do it if not for myself, for my daughter. She dosen't deserve to see her mother getting treated like that. I believe from your post he has shown that he is not trustworthy. I bet that when you find things out that are not in his favor he gets angry right? Blames it all on you and turns it around to make you think you should be the one apologizing? Thats what it sounds like, and I've been in a relationship like that... it dosen't make you feel good at all. It's mentally and physically draining and I think your first concern should be your daughter. It sounds like this guy is using and abusing you and dosne't really care what you think or want or need... he dosen't deserve you. I would hit him up for some child support and move closer to where I did have friends and family... but I know it's hard, and I know it's not as simple as that. PM me anytime you want to talk hun. Good luck!

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For some reason it won't let me PM you. I don't know why. I would like to talk to you more about your situation. I'm here for you!

 

I think I have some idea where you are coming from and I feel lost and alone and hurt by the soon-to-be father of my baby. He has done everything within his power to hurt me and he totally abuses my trust. However, I still feel lost as to what I should do, even though I know in my heart what is best.

 

I think you also know in your heart what you need to do, but it's scary. You haven't told your family because you KNOW they will hate him (I did that too), but you also know they have reason to, right? You know that he is treating you badly and you should leave him. But honey I know it's so scary. Especially when you move away from your family and friends.

 

I would leave to go see my family (who I moved away from as well to be with my guy) and when I would come home I would get this burning in the pit of my stomach because I was afraid of what I would find out he did while I was gone. Something was always going on, I was always being played for a fool. I was alot smarter than he thought I was, but I still let him get away with it. But it has to stop, and you need to stop it too.

 

Please PM me anytime, I would love to talk to you.

 

Take care.

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Go home honey, you need some proper love and care. Take your child to visit at least. Talk to your parents, they are the only people in this world who truly have your best interests at heart and will give you and your child support.

 

There's no shame in being hurt by someone, the shame is that you suffer alone without those who love you around you.

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Most of what i wrote was things that happened before my baby was born. After she came into the picture, he said he stopped doing this. He all together stoped doing EVERYTHING. We dont have any mutual friends together, and i dont have any friends here myself. The only thing we do is go to a movie, and dinner with his brother and a friend. Its the same thing month after month. We basically sit at home and do nothing but he thinks that "we spend all our time together" and that is why he feels he should be able and go out and do what he wants when he wants to. He doesnt tell me where he is going to go, or when he will be home because 'im not his mother, he doesnt have to tell me" I told him if we ever did anything together out of the ordinary, concert hanging out with friends or anything i wouldnt get so mad when he wants to go out on his own, but he only wants to do "new things with new people" and its always a girl.

 

I knew he was using Myspace to find local girls to hang out with, he spends way too much time on there and wouldnt put in a relationship or mention he had a daughter. Later he put "married" and claimed it was for girls to stay away, since they will know he is married. Well about 7 months ago i made a Myspace under a false person. Just sat her there, never loged on never messaged anyone.. I did however accpeted anyone that wanted to be my friend and allowed people to post comments so she looked like a "real girl" well months past and i figured it was pointless. Well yesterday he messaged *her* and so i played with him. He told this girl that he was married was a joke cuz he was "married to his computer" and how he didnt have any kids. He was making plans with *her* to hook up and sent pictures of ME giving him head saying how it was an "old friend" and his room mate use to date him but they grew apart and now are just friends. All of this hurt reading but i saw now what he was talking about behind my back, i confronted him and he said she was the only girl he messaged --- but hello out of everyone on myspace in our town he picked her to be the one? He fed her the same story that he did when we first met (yes i met him on the internet)

 

I packed up the car and tried to leave, he promised me that he was going to change and how he knows he has a problem. now that i cought him it made him see and how when he was talking to these girls that he just zoned into this other life and would just forget about everything. He claims he never cheated on me and never would. (i lost trust in him a while back and have had his balls tied down ever since.. i know he hasnt been out with anyone) but its the fact that he was making plans to and lying to me of where he is going.

 

 

I know its not a healthy relationship, but he claims he is now willing to get help, willing to get rid of myspace, telling me i can come in the computer room anytime i want and "check up" on him. I want to believe he will change, and get help ((mind you getting help isnt just this problem.. getting help would be to control his anger)) I dont want to take our daughter away from him, i also want a life with him... but not if he doesnt change. What is fair of me asking him to change? What "freedoms" should he be allowed? Is it wrong for me to question every time he tells me he is going someplace?

 

I do know that i am at fault here for a bit, i know i have a leash on him and he cant do anything. I know i throw a fit when he wants to go do something alone- but its because i dont trust him. Is there a way to gain trust back? Snooping isnt right to do because its saying "i dont trust you" but behind their back, i wasnt confronting him at the time (but i feel even if i confronted him, he would just make up another story) A relationship is nothing without trust- but jealousy is always going to be there no matter what, and with that leads to not trusting.

Blah- i just dont know

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I would say leave this guy, personally. What makes you think you deserve a guy that does that to you? I'm sure if you did the same thing to him he wouldn't stay with you and put up with that. You really need to ask yourself whether you really want to try or if you want to do what is best for you and your daughter. Your daughter can still see her father, that's no problem. but why be in a relationship where your guy is like that? If he loved you and your daughter, he wouldn't be doing this. No matter how many excuses and how many stories he gives you, you really need to think of how many times he has done that to you and lied once again. I know you love him, but just because you love him doesn't mean you should let him continue lying to you. He obviously doesn't care enough about you. You should love yourself enough to put yourself through this.

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Stop believing his "I will change" and "I love you" BS because that is all it is, pure BS. He has already lied and cheated so many times and you keep thinking maybe this time he has finally seen the light, but I am certain you are setting yourself up for more heartache if you keep trying to believe a LIE. Staying involved with all this could do serious psychological damage, and completely destroy your capacity to trust another human being, I know you love him but he isn't worth your mental health being messed up. Get your daughter, pack, and go stay with parents. Stop this vicious cycle and deal with the sadness that comes because you have NO reason to believe anything he says. He is a proven liar, a proven cheater, and is a cruel person saying the things he has said to you. He also takes zero responsibility and has manipulated you to the point where you now think things are your fault when in reality they are not. He is messing with your head, and you have to put a stop to it. You already have the rationalizations and perceptions of a person who has been abused in some way. It will only get worse, you need to get out of this mess, hard or not, you have no other choice. Get up and leave. In time, alone, you will start to unravel things in your mind and really see what you have been subjected to, and see how completely distorted your views have become.

 

Find your courage, and get up on your feet and fix this problem.

 

Salt

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