grace under pressure and difficulties

[life_hard]

Over the past week, two concepts I read have helped me a great deal in dealing with my own issues.

 

 

The person who ends the relationship and found happiness in someone else:

 

"You can't control the hurt feelings of your ex. Once you break up, your responsibility in that area ends. That's the great thing about breaking up. you don't have to care anymore. That's not to say you can be deliberately cruel. And that's not to say that you won't have spontaneous feelings of empathy, because it's human to have empathy. But going about your life, seeking happiness, that's not deliberately cruel. You're just going about your life. So do whatever you have to do, and just hope that your ex will get over it." Breaking up in ITSELF is a very reponsible thing to do, dragging it on and on is very irresponsible and more selfish.

 

The person who is heartbroken over the break up:

 

"What I observe about those who meet difficulties with admirable grace and courage is that they somehow manage to keep their shape; they do not become someone else and they do not give up or turn away; they remember what they are trying to do; they remain; they persist. They do not lose their ideas. I suppose this could be expressed as "they have faith" except that to "have faith" seems to be to expect a positive outcome. It is more that the people who deal with adversity well seem to recognize the possibility that things might not work out but they keep going and try to be cheerful."

 

 

What I learn is: there is a "right" way to break up, a mature break up, a graceful breakup, it doesn't have to be ugly, but MOST of us just can't do it, in the end you lost a lover and may be a friend in the long run.

[Donster]

I finally read this and I think there is a lot of wisdom in what you wrote, so this thread now gets bumped up and I hope more people can learn from this post.

[tobetterdays]

if there is one thing that i did right, it was walking away with grace and class. yeah, i broke down crying when she told me face to face.. but pulled myself together, packed my car and gave her a hug. she cried hysterically when i walked out. i even locked her the door behind me--something i always did because she lives alone.

 

i made an attempt by sending flowers and wrote a beautiful heartfelt letter, explaining all i had to say.

 

i figured she just needed some time to think things over and then would be back..next week i find out that she is dating somebody else...it literally crushed me beyond comprehension. i had to let her know that i knew, i just couldnt hold it in anymore..so i sent her an email telling her i knew about the other guy and i wished her success with it. i wished her happiness and health and God's blessing. NC ever since and will never contact her again.

 

As much as i wanted to call her and curse her out for lying to me, and throwing away 3.5 years without showing a grain of empathy to destroying me, i went out with dignity, class, and grace. I gave her nothing for her or her friends to say, "look at what he is doing, you did the right thing"

 

this was great advice my uncle gave me. you always leave with grace.

in the long run, this makes it so much harder on the dumper relative to the "what if's"

 

when you go off the deep end, you just confirm every reason why she broke up with you in the first place.

 

i am struggling immensly right now with this, but for those who have just been dumped..think about what i have just said

[Donster]

My mother, of all people, gave me the same advice. When I told her that my ex and I were breaking up, she said the best thing to do is to part ways amicably, not to squabble about little things, and to just wish each other well and move on with your own life. That's grace. And that's what I ended up doing.

 

(She then of course suggested that I try a heterosexual relationship next since my gay one didn't work out, and LOL, I had to set her "straight" on that one!)

[beebee]

i adore all three of you and i do understand what you are saying and where you are coming from... it must be me then who resorts to being like a child with childish thoughts... silly me... but im angry... im angry that i was conned... im angry that i was abandoned... im angry that i wasnt thought about as a giving, unselflsh person who was a dummy in love... im just plain angry... ive read all i can read and ive done all that i can do and im still angry...

 

i wish i could arise above it all but im resigned to the fact that im human... not like the three of you... again i will say what i told jen... i wish i had gone to his home and taken a bat to his car... now THAT would have been the proper way to handle things... then i would have walked away... to hell with grace and dignity and how it is perceived by my ex... he didnt incorporate any kind and lovely way to end things with me, when in fact i did nothing wrong...

 

sigh... this was a great forum for a time... ive outgrown it and im now past it... i know now my own thoughts were right... unfortunately for me its too far down the road for me to do anything about my anger... i have to eat it...

[tobetterdays]

believe me, i would've bulldozed her house down with her in it if i wanted to do what i felt like doing..but every action has a consequence. you are the better person in the end, and do that only for yourself--not for him. if you can handle heartbreak with grace, you can handle anything..that is strength..and i know you have it..

[Donster]

My ex's mother sent me a few links about understanding and dealing with anger. I thought they were quite interesting:

 

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Anger for me was always something that I had tried to suppress as much as I could. It represented a loss of control, which is something that I had always fought as hard as I could to keep. But this was just a way for me to bottle it up and to not deal with it, and anger really is important to feel and accept, and these articles helped me understand that it is part of the natural healing and grieving process.

 

And various therapists I have had in the past have taught me that anger is as legitimate of an emotion as any other that we have, and that we should allow ourselves to have it, and to experience it.

 

But what we do with the anger, and how we manifest it is a different story. And that's where trying to handle things with grace comes in handy.

 

P.S. beebee: we are all human!