the last rant ?

[lanty3]

i`m sorry but this may ramble a bit. i`m in another depression. i think i`m hitting bottom. this could be good , after all there`s no way but up at that point , right? no , i could get stuck here. that`s not living. i`ve led a closed ,horribly closed ,cut off existence. my parents , who are gone now, were too damn old, repressed,bitter and unhappy to raise a child. my mother was over-protective,my father was emotionally distant and happy to leave me with my mother. he would never admit to it though , he did everything he was supposed to do.....he paid the bills. i`ve touched on most of this in previous posts. in some other posts on the suicide topic someone mentioned "steps" one goes through in life. i never took those steps. i think i stopped growing emotionally at 12. adolescence , time to begin the separation from parents. i couldn`t do it. i got no help,no encouragement. i never really did break away. i don`t even know my real self. all my reactions are based on my based on my weird,scared upbringing.

what really kills me , what puts a hole right through my heart are things like this : reading all these posts and all these problems. people who reached out beyond thier families,out into the world. you have feeling , you have emotion , you put your hearts and egos on the line. that is what life is. that`s living. real living. i couldn`t and wouldn`t . i pissed 46 years down the drain. i have nothing to look back on and nothing to offer anyone.

i take up space.....i`m a benign growth...deadwood,flotsam and jetsom.

i`m tired of 1 step forward and 2 steps back.i don`t have the energy and heart to put up a fight. i have no anger,no sadness...nothing, not even a sense of resignation. i wish i could just fade away.

[Dako]

lanty,

 

Sorry you feel crappy, but for a benign growth you write well.

 

I'm just now revisiting depession since ending my meds. After 9 years of AD meds, I'm now having familiar symptoms of impatience, hoplessness and alienation. The last few days have been like a reunion with all that crap. I'm fixin to settle in to write a rant about depression from the perspective of a 50something depressed guy trying to go without meds after a decade. No reason but to annoy people, my raison d'etre.

I'm trying to avoid being judgemental about how others solve problems. I'm sick of seeing depressives scored on originality, poise, and style based on their coping methods. We all find our own path.

 

Have you gone the therapy. counseling, cognitive, drug route?

 

I was 42 when I got help for lifelong depression. It changed my life for the better.

[lanty3]

hi dako , the first line of your reply actually made me laugh. thanks.

i went to counseling and therapy for a while. i`ve been on ad`s for 4 years. various meds and doses. sometimes i feel good but my situation never changes.

[Dako]

hi dako , the first line of your reply actually made me laugh. thanks.

.

 

Thanks!

 

There are lots of ways to deal with depression, but the ones that work are best. I hope you can bring yourself to try other means.

Hope is a first step, although it can be hard to sustain. Some get better with religion, philosophy, a relationship or psychology.

[nottoogreen]

hi dako , the first line of your reply actually made me laugh. thanks.

I concur.

sometimes i feel good but my situation never changes.

The above is your answer.

 

What is depression? Depression is a mental pain caused by an imbalance between expectations and ability. To make the pain go away, one has to improve ones ability (do better) and/or change ones expectations. In other words, to avoid depression, one ought to balance ability and expectations. Balance is it, as so often in life. From: Wicked

 

Keeping this in mind, please post your unmet expectations and we see how we can resolve the imbalance.

 

... write a rant about depression from the perspective of a 50something depressed guy trying to go without meds after a decade. No reason but to annoy people, my raison d'etre. ...

Dako, I am with your post in it's entiry and I do look forward to your insights. Many silent readers will agree.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Any posts from Dako RE: Depression written in an in-depth manner, I will be amoung the first to read. Absolutely.

[Spugly Fuglet]

lanty3,

 

Like all of use who have posted I know how you feel, I could be lucky in the fact I have ups and downs, with a wobaling cycale and a garte big 7 year one, which I am now just coming out off.

 

 

i couldn`t and wouldn`t .

 

Thats the Blues talking, when you down every thing looks up hill.

 

i pissed 46 years down the drain.

 

No sorry you wrong there, if you look you did stuff, good stuff for your self and others. Out there in the world right now there are some who think you a grate guy.

 

i have nothing to look back on and nothing to offer anyone.

 

Nope sorry not true, some one out there needs a guy with 45 years of wisdem if only for a moment. And I need to you be one of the good guys, one of the men and woman who do not stand by and see evil pass.

Like me all you have to do is stand in its way.

 

 

i take up space

As do we all until our race is run, what matter is how you live not if you live.

 

i`m a benign growth...deadwood,flotsam and jetsom.

 

For me as a Taoist that is all we ever are, we are water the flows throw life, we are jetsom on the grate sea of the world, we are soul flotsam.

NSG talks about balance and to some that is whats needed, for me I know that starving for a thing can be just as bad and not having it so I dont.

I am deadwood and I go where life takes me, I am happy to be such and if for a moment I can do good then who knows where I will end up.

 

 

i`m tired of 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

 

Then you could be walking the wrong way, not down or up but there are other paths.

 

 

i don`t have the energy and heart to put up a fight. i have no anger,no sadness...nothing, not even a sense of resignation. i wish i could just fade away.

 

Do you know how many mistics have spent years in deep continplation to be just where you are now,

 

They spend a life time learing to be truly still and have peace, could it be that you may have walked there throw deprestion and find your self in the company of wise men how odd.

 

What would happon if you exspeted where you are and then had a look around with there mind set?

 

Now that would be a thing