and we've hit yet another stop sign

[sugarmomma]

So I've posted a lot of post about my problem laden relationship. Maybe I am a wee bit addicted to this site.

 

Recently, after two years of waiting, my boyfriend finally moved in with me.

 

Now it has had it's good points and it's bad points.

 

On one hand , I have learned that my boyfriend is extremely sweet and helpful ( which I already knew) but even more so now. Almost every morning he offers to cook me breakfast and almost every night he cooks me dinner. He always helps with the chores and bends over backwards to take care of me and our home.

 

Of course I have also started to see crabby sides of him that I knew existed but hoped would never surface in regards to me. Nothing serious but he can say some rather hurtful things over small disagreements.

 

Then again I am usually extremely oversensitive and I have learned not to react right away when he says those things. Instead I wait and discuss them later and most of the time I learn that I interpreted his comments wrong or he said something he didn't mean. So we are working on our conflict resolution.

 

It is difficult adjusting living with someone after all and it seems as if we are both stuck in our ways sometimes ( like whether or not to put a bag in the bathroom garbage can).

 

But all in all it hasn't been bad.

 

Now the question

 

My boyfriend has maintained since I met him that he doesn't want children ever!! Every once in a while he does slip up and talk about when we have children but when I ask him about it later he says he was only kidding.

 

I haven't decided about children yet. but I think in about 5 years I would like to adopt a child. And I have made this clear to my boyfriend.

 

We both know it's a huge problem and will probably lead to our eventual breakup but it seems stupid to end something that we have worked so hard for and that is so beautiful about the future. Maybe I will decide I never want children or maybe he will decide he does.

 

However, yesterday when we were arguing about something silly. I said " imagine how much we are going to argue about raising our adoptive child."

 

Now I did say it just to mess with him and get under his skin a little , which is my bad, but he responded by saying very firmly " you and I will NEVER have children together."

 

And for some reason it just hit home when he said it that way. He didn't say he would never have children, he emphasized that he and I would never have children together. Something in the way he said it made me think that he would possibly consider having children with someone else, but not me.

 

Either way it made me realize that maybe I am just setting myself up for disaster and I am wondering how many people think that it's a bad idea to play house with someone with whom you will most likely end up wanting different things from life?

[Siriana]

How old are you?

[sugarmomma]

sorry I just turned 29 and he turned 28. we have the same birthday.

[RayKay]

Hmm, honestly, to me, this would be a dealbreaker...if you really do want a child and he really does NOT....I really don't think you can "hope" it will change without some serious resentment on someone's side at least.

 

So yes, I do think it is a bad idea, I don't know, I just would not live with someone whom did not share similar goals for the future of our relationship. That includes children, marriage, etc.

 

But of course, only you know what is "best" for you. I just think....you should not rely much on his feelings changed based on how clear he seems to have been about it.

[Siriana]

Thanks.

 

You know I think that it pays off a lot to think about the future. It is too much of a risk to keep hoping you will agree on that matter (one of you changing mind about children).

 

You will want the kids in 5 years - that means when your 34. And what happens if by that time he is still not willing to have kids? Maybe you will be patient that he will cahnge his mind in a year or two... Than you are 36. After that you think I am with him soooo long - I really don't want to start anything new, but at the same time you are full of resentment...And you are 38... You brake up with him while 40.....

 

Not getting along about very important goals in life is a real deal braker. Sometimes things are just fine but you don't agree about some essential stuff. Than you think - o.k. but we get a long so nice... the fact is the longer you stay it is harder to leave . and sometimes it is the only correct thing to be logical. Honeymoon phase is for beeing illogical, but when you are serious about someone you need to include logic. You need to discuss maturely about things that are important to determine do you agree on important things. It is better to find that out before you get married or have children.

 

Whatever you choose, please don't make your decision based on hope that maybe one day he will change his mind. The fact is that at the current moment he doesn't want kids. so zero kids. And also in future he doesn't see himself in that "family with golden retriver" picture.Let that be your starting point.

[Musica]

You know I have a friend that is in a similar situation, and they've been together for a looong time, she wants marriage and kids and he doesn't, but recently he changed his mind about kids but not marriage.

 

There's only 2 things to do in this situation:

1) You can wait it out, stay together and possibly views and decisions will change one or both of your minds.

 

OR

 

2) Break it off now because if he's really stern about not wanting children and you're really stern about having children then the liklihood that that'll change (especially since you 2 are older and at the ripe age) is slim....playing house for the meantime, is exactly what you'll be doing is playing!

 

Have you guys talked about marriage? Does he just not like the idea of marriage and kids or just kids?

[sugarmomma]

Well when we first got together he was totally against marriage but I don't really care about getting married and never pushed the issue. Now he acts like he has no problem with getting married and we talk about it like it is in out future openly.

[Musica]

Well, do you want to get married to someone that doesn't want to have children? Are you willing to give up your idea of becoming a mother? If not then why marry?