The Plan: majord23

[Jayar]

Hey,

 

This is in relation to your big long thread, but I didn't want it to just get lost so I'm starting a separate topic.

 

I am in a situation where this "plan" (LOL) would apply perfectly. My BF of 2.5 years literally bailed on me the weekend we were supposed to sign our apartment lease together. Yup, ouch. Anyway, I know I made a LOT of mistakes in the relationship, such as losing myself and making him the center of my universe. Since we split up 10 days ago, I have found myself and realized I can live without him... I just don't want to.

 

We are now in a period of NC, and he has emailed me once and called a few times. He's asked if I wanted to meet up and I haven't responded.

 

My MAIN question for you is HOW are you going to BREAK NC without all of a sudden putting HER back in the power position??? Right now NC is working for you (as it is for me) because you are not responding to her, but by definition if you want her back ultimately you WILL have to respond to her. So how do you plan to do that?

 

Thanks!

[annie24]

hi - I'm not majord, but I think if your ex wants to sit down and talk things out, by all means, sit down with him. Is that what he wants to talk to you about?

 

I'm a big believer in NC myself, but if your ex is calling to get back together, by all means, talk to them! but if he's calling to talk about a new movie he saw or his fun weekend with his buddies, don't take the call.

 

good luck

[Jayar]

See I don't want to seem desperate, or like I miss him all that much... Not after the fact that I believe the whole reason we broke up is because I was TOO into him...

 

He didn't say what he wanted, just that he wanted to get together and walk the dogs or something. He's definitely either trying to be friends (which won't work for me) or trying to rekindle something... There is of course the off-chance that he's just trying to see if I still miss him.

 

I want to respond to him and this situation in such a way that I create the GREATEST possible likelihood that we will get back together and be stronger than ever. I don't want to blow what might be my one chance, you know?

 

I feel in a way like I am fishing, and right now the less I respond to him (I say nothing) the more he comes towards me... It was the BIGGEST problem in our relationship that he didn't LOVE as much as I did, didn't give as much as I gave. I feel like the relationship dynamics are starting to shift a little, and my little fish (ex-BF) is nibbling at the bait (NC) but hasn't quite bitten yet... Nibble on, little fish, nibble ON!

 

Seriously though, BECAUSE our relationship I feel is worth salvaging, I want to make the right decision here. Either way it works out for me... If it's not him, it will be someone else. I know that now, I just would prefer it to be HIM.

[annie24]

hm... lots of people have tried staying the "friends" route and that typically doesn't work. And why would it? if they get to see you still, the never get a chance to miss you and realize that they need you.

 

I'm curious as to what other people say, but i would think that just telling him now the relationship is over, and you are now moving on and that walking the dogs together isn't the best thing for either of you right now.

 

I agree with majord, having that one convo laying your cards on the table saying, look, i like you, i want us to work things out. and if he says no, then say, ok, then I am moving on. and I can't handle being friends.

[bobo85]

There is no positive in staying contact with your ex while you are still healing. Anytime you hear from them only reminds you of what they did to you and how they caused you pain. You do not deserve that. You deserve a fresh start. Even if come back to you...how long do you think that will be? I was a victim of the old i'm coming back to you....and a few months later she leaves me for someone else. So basically she strung me along until the next best thing comes along. I was foolish to take her back but i didnt have ENA forums back then. Learn from OUR mistakes so you dont have to make them.

[HardShowingAffection]

I would call him back and find out what his intentions are. Or agree to meet with him once and see where things go. But.... after that call, or meeting, if there is not a chance of rekindling the relationship, I would back off and take the time to heal yourself. Don't get strung along, you are better than that.

 

But I think you SHOULD make the attempt. Time to suck up the pride and ego, and lay it out there. Don't overwhelm him, but if he knows how you feel, and you did your best, what else can someone ask of you? But if you don't... that always leaves the door open to "what-ifs". It is a sense of closure for yourself, you can walk away saying you gave everything you had... whether it is willing to grow, willing to give it another shot, willing to forgive, show your love, whatever. You can hold your head high, knowing you gave it your all. Life is good. If they do not want to be there after that, you deserve better.

[fatfaso]

Want some hard advice? Forget about rekindling the relationship. If the problem was that you loved your guy more than he loved you, what makes you think things will ever change to where you two are on an even footing? If you guys get back together, he might act like he's totally in love with you at first, but in the end, he'll probably revert back into his old ways, just as you will and you'll both be left unsatisfied? Why bother putting yourself through that hell?

[JohnnyTable]

Hmmm I went through something similiar. After a month of not talking my ex wanted to "hang out" with me.

 

In retrospec it would have been best to ignore her and not respond, as eventually she would get the point and leave. Instead I told her that I wasn't interested and this opened up a bit of a can of worms. I didn't think that she was wanting to get back together, and in reality I'm pretty sure that I was correct based on her response.

 

You have a reason for the breakup, otherwise it wouldn't have happened. People don't do it randomly or for fun. So unless this reason is gone (highly unlikely) then its probably best to let things go. Dumpers miss their exes too, and they start contacting them when they are weak.

 

My advice is to go NC until you heal. If at that point you want to be friends, go ahead and try. If the other party doesn't want to, then you won't care anyway. Right now your heart is just too exposed.