Out of nowhere my love loves another

[Fisch]

My friends, I am sorry for all the pain that you go through in life. Whenever I feel sadness and hurt I always remember that someone else is hurting out there too and I cannot expect a hand to reach out to me unless I remember reach out my own. My girlfriend of one and a half years, of whom I thought i had the deepest connection with, has out of nowhere called me and told me that she loves another and that she is confused. There are so many things that makes this so much more painful. That she had been hanging out with this guy, and put on a face for me. That she had professed her love so deeply and strongly without me ever asking her to that I never had any doubts. That she knew I loved her (the obvious one). That she always seemed so much more empathetic, compassionate, and kind than anyone else I have ever met, and yet she has handled this so ungracefully. I can do nothing to save myself but try and be numb. I went through the death of her father with her, and I thought that we had loved eachother as one loves oneself. How could this happen? For all the confidence I have in myself for all the belief I have always had in myself, my pride is broken. As I grow older, just as I have always suspected the more painful life becomes. I am afraid that I will find it harder to trust. I dont want to do that, I have always wanted to understand people as they understand themselves, to feel as best I can what they feel. I know it is an impossible dream, but I was always sure my goal would yeild positive results that would make me happy. But I have opened myself to so much pain. And the person that you want to talk to most is the one you have just lost. It's a vacuum of emotion where you just want someone to embrace you and tell you that they understand you and that they will always be loyal unconditional friends. I am determined to be strong, but I dont know what to do. I have initiated no contact with so much to say, when so little has been said. Help the pain go away while I let my heart crumble and regrow again. Thanks for your time

[kadvati79]

My girlfriend of one and a half years, of whom I thought i had the deepest connection with, has out of nowhere called me and told me that she loves another and that she is confused.

Woah cowboy, is this the same chick that you broke up with, got back together after being a bit p*ssed off that she had oral sex? Now i'm not trying to say that your relationship and connection wasn't special, but lets be honest here, are you REALLY thinking about it objectively at the moment? Sure, it might feel like you just lost the worlds best relationship - but something tells me this was far from perfect. The moral here is to just start planting the seed of thought in your head that maybe you will eventually find something better - but right now your thoughts should stay on just looking after yourself.

 

Remember, emotions and actions are interdependant - change one and you change the other. Push yourself to the gym, to date, to go out, and you will control your emotions. Sit back and wait to feel better, and your emotions will screw you into the ground.

 

Go easy on yourself, keep looking forward.

[Fisch]

Hey Icemoto,

Haha, I wish you were right, but I am not so lucky. I never would have imagined that this would happen. I have the unfortunate nature of being able to think pretty objectively even at times of crisis. Sometimes I just want to be irrational and be crazy, but when it comes to stuff like this I am sober. This is not my first and I know how to heal, I went on a run with a friend immediately after. I have been on this site for many years (under different names), and I really am in shock. After feeling so much in this world, trying to help and understand people. I am really flattened that someone who I know felt this strongly about me could fall away, I was in fact the one to follow her feelings and not vice versa. She only cheated on me in her heart, when he kissed her she said she couldn't. Do you know what I mean? As for something better, maybe, that is not really important to me until I get over the pain. Sometimes I wish I were more frantic, and that I did not know what to do so that those things might feel more meaningful. Thus I am forced to really believe in how deep my feelings were, yet be able to release them because I must. I am just so sad.

[tylercdurden2004]

I really hate to hear these kind of things. Its one of those things where there might have been little subtle hints that were going on that you didnt notice.

 

I too had an issue with my ex very similar to this. She was seeing a new friend quite often and I was totally cool about it. But I sensed something one day when she didnt email me for a few days (out of the norm). So I asked of course she said nothing but I could hear in her voice something else, my gut told me something. I listened to it and pressed her a bit and ended up she wasnt sure how she felt about this "friend".

 

I dumped her then and there after one year together and told her i was not coming to see her as planned. She even had the audacity to beg me to come visit "for us". I had none of it. Four months later she asked if we would be back together ever, we ended up getting back together. We lasted two more years and similar stuff came after all this. She had another friend and shared her bed with him. I let it slide but in the end I couldnt let the fact that she showed me such disrespect slide. That along with other thigns ended it.

 

At this point you need to walk. You need to be realistic abotu a few things:

 

1) She decieved you. These feelings didnt just show up over night. They were developing all along. Did you ever get to meet him? When they hung out were you there?

 

2) She showed you disrespect. Her deception is a slap in your face. If she really cared enough about you she would not have done this to you. At least she would have been open about her feelings towards him earlier.

 

3) Her saying she is confused is translated as "I am not totally sure about this guy as its fairly new, but I want you to feel there might be a chance so you will stick around until I decide."

 

My ex told me I had to come to visit "for us" (exact words). I asked her what turnip truck she fell off of. I said "You want me to wait 3 weeks before I leave to come see you, then spend two weeks with you, all in the hopes that you will choose me!?" Get effed.

 

I think you need to walk right now. Do not contact her, do not try to find out anything (she wont tell you honestly), block her number and email. Do not listen to what she says but look at her actions. If she says she wants to be friends say "sure butI need some tiem to heal, dont contat me I'll contact you." Then NEVER contact her. If she wants to be wiht you trust me she will find oyu and contact you. But for a while she will try to play games with you, maybe not intentionally but with her interests in mind.

 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, ALWAYS.

 

Dont be a pawn for her heart. Walk and start the healing process. Do things for yourself. Work out so if you ever run into her you will look better than ever. But do everything for yourself not for her. Good luck.

[tylercdurden2004]

Ok I read your other thread now. When we were thinking of getting back together I asked my ex if she dated the guy she chose over me. She said no then I found out they had sex and were "seeing" each other for a while. So she lied. My ex is also one of those "girls" (that doesnt sleep around). Uh huh. Girls like this try to present one image while having quite another life. Bad news all around. I should have taken heed of this but didnt. Her lying to you is a big red flag. Walk and dont look back.

[Majoraslayer]

Walk away with your head held high. You escaped her game of deception, and she lost out. This guy will never be able to trust her knowing the way she fell for him, so by default the situation has passed on the seed of doubt. If he chooses to be with her, then he's taking over the ring of constant heartache that you have successfully escaped. Sure, you left with some severe heartache but there's an awesome advantage to hitting rock bottom; the only direction to go is up.

[Donster]

Just keep focusing on a few key things:

1) you deserve to be treated better, and with more respect

2) you will be happy again, and will find someone again who will fulfill #1

3) it will take time and distance for you to heal, and to get over her. In the meantime don't forget to take care of yourself

4) you are still young, and you have your entire life ahead of you. See #1

[super ian]

I think most of us (guys anyways it seems) have been in this situation before.

 

I feel your pain, because the girl I loved told me in last August that "things werent working out" and I also found some text messages on her phone from one of her "friends" saying sh*t like "hey baby cant wait to see you again xoxox".

 

When I look back at it now, I can see the signs, she does the following:

 

1) slowly yet surely keeps saying how she needs space and it would be nice to do things separate every now and then

 

2) no longer invites you out because shes just going out with "her girl friends"

(that one really hurt when I found out that all of her girl friends also brought their boyfriends along)

 

Whatever man we both fell for a sluuuuut. Thats the bottom line, there are pleny of girls out there that would do no such thing, and can earn your complete trust.

[Fisch]

Thanks guys,

Im sorry to hear about your pains... seriously. I think you have given some great advice. You are helping me know what I have to do. The guy who she was with when I broke up with her, she regretted very badly. I know it is hard to believe, but I could read this girl very well. She lives in a different place than I, and I simply have been gone for the summer except for occasional visits and constant phone calls. I always suspected certain things were hints but you can never be sure. I thought I was being honorable by not indulging in my paranoia, but you are right that she has acted two faced in this situation. I wish that I did not know how important a step "realizing" that she is not worth it was, because I feel like I am torn in saying it is just a great calamity and speaking of her faults. As for my exact actions I have heard what you guys have said, and that has basically been my plan, no contact. But should I try to have that last conversation with with dignity or initiate to tell her not to call me if it has been to long? Are these things worth doing for myself?

[tylercdurden2004]

The guy who she was with when I broke up with her, she regretted very badly.

 

Sure whatever. I am sure she thougth of that before she got with him. Either way its irrelevant.

 

I know it is hard to believe, but I could read this girl very well. She lives in a different place than I, and I simply have been gone for the summer except for occasional visits and constant phone calls.

 

But in the end you realize you didnt read her so well or at least you rationalized her behaviour and didnt listen to what you gut was telling you. When you suspect something is up it always pays to be diplomatic about it and push the issue a little bit. Always be weary of a new "friend" that you never get to meet. Especially if she does nothing to reassure you. People arent stupid and usually if they do something they suspect might be taken the wrong way they will most likely let oyu know the real deal.

 

Eg The girl I was just seeing had a male friend she hung out with a bit, she went so far as to tell me it was nothing more than a friendship. She said it once and meant it. Your GF would have done this if she didnt want you to think otherwise.

 

I always suspected certain things were hints but you can never be sure. I thought I was being honorable by not indulging in my paranoia, but you are right that she has acted two faced in this situation.

 

Yes the paranoid man syndrome. You catch heck for asking questions and you start to think to never ask again. The way to deal wiht this, that is get what you want (the truth) without rocking the boat is to learn how to ask diplomatically. Eg My female friend told me once when I was curious as to why an ex was hanging out with her ex regularily. My friend gave me the low down and told me to ask "Hey XXXX i notice your hanging around XXXX quite abit, theres nothing I should be concerned about." IF shes sharp she'll realize you are concerned without beign accusatory.

 

I wish that I did not know how important a step "realizing" that she is not worth it was, because I feel like I am torn in saying it is just a great calamity and speaking of her faults.

 

Hey even the "greatest" girls have flaws. My ex is a prime example. Shes a great girl in lot of ways but her insecurities, anxiety etc seems to help her make some mind boggling decisions.

 

As for my exact actions I have heard what you guys have said, and that has basically been my plan, no contact.

 

Good idea.

 

But should I try to have that last conversation with with dignity or initiate to tell her not to call me if it has been to long? Are these things worth doing for myself?

 

Nope. Just walk away. Trust me I have talked to enough women to know this will absolutley tear her apart. She wants to keep you around until she feels safe enough to be with her NEW MAN. Dont give her that. I guarantee as soon as you walk away she will try to "talk" with you, try to give you false hope, tell you shes sorry and try to assuage her guilt. Considering how she treated you, do you really want to give her that? For your own sanity and twist the knife a little bit, GET GONE. I know you may think heck I will keep her email open, her phone open. I can tell you if she really really wants to contact you she will. The world is an extremely small place.

[itsallgrand]

Ok. I read your other threads about this girl as well.

 

It is definetly time to take the good advice of these guys. They know what they are talking about.

 

Definetly, do not contact her. She will twist you around and hurt you if you allow her to. Best to walk away and leave her to her decisions.

Let her see and live with the choices she has made.

 

It's gonna be alright. Hang in there.

[Fisch]

Thanks for your words of support people. I will not contact her at all. I'll leave it all. Knowing her, she will just be relieved because she hates conflict but it will also hurt her because she doesnt like to see others hurt. Some of you may assume that I was clingy in this relationship or something, but it was quiet the opposite. Again that is why I am so shocked. But no worries, her actions spoke more of her than her personality in this situation, and it is not my place or desire any more to give her anything. I would never let someone pull me around if they did not return my feelings, and I certainly will not in this situation. This day will be rough, I found it hard to sleep because my heart was beating so hard?? At least my dreams spared me, they were rather random. I just feel so decieved, why do I attract people that are so immature?