Daughter Problems

[Momene]

My daughter is absolutely great company and, at nearly 16, she should be at the age where she doesn't want to know about her parents, yet is still very close to us, especially me.

 

The problem is her own life: she seems to have a "loser" mentality where she never really tries at anything because she expects to fail. She's no genius but has some talents in some academic subjects but just seems to let the world pass her by. She seems to lack motivation to do anything and doesn't have any energy. My wife will shout and scream at her and I will try gentle persuasion but neither seem to work.

 

Although she's smoked cigarettes, there are no signs of her being a regular drug user and I trust her when she says that she's never had any. I just wish she would somehow wake up. Is there anything my wife or I can do or anywhere you think we can get help? (We're in England)

[iwantyoutowantme]

im the same age, and its scary- i feel exactly like she does.

heres what i think~

i feel like this because im just not good at school. my grades have always been laughable and people just seem to just assume that im a dummy, but i know im very intelligent.

it might be the people around her- it sounds like you and your wife are very supportive of her, and thats good!

but there may be some friends of hers that bring her down, purposelly or not.

im epersonally terrified of not making it at something; the thought of "failing" makes me avoid trying things out.

she may be the same way- try talking to her?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Momene - In my opinion there is plenty you can your wife can do to turn this around......

 

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Get her involved in things. Encourage her. Use postive words...tell her your proud of her, never let her hear you say she's not a genius even if it IS true..

 

Have a chat to your wife about the screaming and yelling. Maybe she can tone it down or change her approach. Screaming can often make kids feel bad about themselves.....

 

Talk to people in your community who work with youth.

 

Talk to her school counselors....

 

Plenty you can do!

 

Good job asking - you seem like a caring dad.

[Holiday]

Mediocrity Syndrome

 

That's my coin phrase for each of the situations described above. Being a middle child and average at many things, I thrive on those things that I am good at and pursue them with passion. I think if she finds something she is good at, she will bite into it with sharp teeth and her appetite will be born. You really have to put her in a number of situations. Look, I excel at running, acting, and some say, writing. If you can afford it, put her in some classes and if she's afraid, give her one training. For me, trying new things in my teenage years was easy because we switched schools every two or so years and the preconceived notions of my peers did not serve to jail me in my little psychosocial niche. I say change it up and try some new things, even school perhaps. You know that yelling at her is utterly counterproductive.

[Momene]

Thanks for the ideas, folks, I'll follow some things up. My wife is less patient with her than I am and I think she sometimes forces her away. The trouble is that i know that they change has to come from within my daughter and I don't know how.

[Bethany]

The change needs to come from you.You need to back off and let her get on with her own life. Nothing is more depressing than having a parent harp on at you, I'm sorry but it's true. She will stay close to you because she is looking for approval but she gets a form of rejection by you constantly trying to make her into something she is not so it becomes a vicous circle of approval, rejection..

 

Stop telling her what do do and ask her want she wants to do, then say ok, we'll support you on that, if she says "nothing", then say fine do nothing but have a think about what you want to do, and then get on with your own lives and don't bring it up anymore.

She will then spend some time thinking for herself about what she wants and then will more than likely come to you with a decision of her own. This will give her confidence that she is being heard and supported..Works better than any nagging.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I kind of agree with Bethany here.

 

I would first have the last serious conversation with your daughter about her "drifting through life" and explain that you want her to apply herself so that when she is older, she'll be able to live a successful and happy life. Let her know that you think her actions or lack thereof cause you to worry about her.

 

Then like Bethany said, let her know that you will support her in her decisions.

 

I'd also be firm in letting her know that there will be a point and time where she will, for a lack of a nicer euphamism, be kicked out of the house.

[AwdreeHpburn]

well, I personally don't think a "serious talk" works well with 16 year olds - in general - heck, they don't work with me!

 

I think you should get to know her AS A PERSON, not just a daughter, so you can appeal to the kind of person she is, how she thinks etc.

 

There are tons of organisations out there to help with that....

[Momene]

You know folks, we chat for hours about anything and everything and I don't tend to talk down to her (although to be honest, my wife sometimes does). It's just that she lacks the get up and go necessary in life. My wife and I have known too many people who have just drifted through life without ever really getting anywhere at all and we just don't want to see her go through the same thing.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I totally hear ya Momene. I really do. And I get that you want more for your daughter - I think that's awesome!

 

Is SHE not happy with it either??

[Momene]

I totally hear ya Momene. I really do. And I get that you want more for your daughter - I think that's awesome!

 

Is SHE not happy with it either??

 

The impression I get is that she thinks when she gets to the "magical age" of 16, 18, 21, etc she'll be able to do things she doesn't now and will be "grown up" but doesn't realise that she has to earn the right to grow up. She just sits back and expects my wife and I to sort things out instead of getting on with things.

 

I also think that sometimes the teachers don't push her as far as she can go because she is a nice girl and is quite well-liked.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Can I ask - what do you mean by has to "earn the right" to grow up? I mean, what is it she has to do to earn it?

 

I THINK I know what you're getting at.......not quite sure

[Holiday]

Things happen so fast when you're young. I honestly can look back at my past and recall that when I poured my energy into something for 1-2 months, I was changed by it. If you can foster passion about anything, that will bring her out. Then again, usually boys bring girls her age out of their mould, but hey, maybe she's shy and scared.

[Holiday]

horseback riding? anything... she needs to be in her own zone, working with someone other than the two of you to accomplish things. Be her transportation, if necessary, but not her co-coach.

[annie24]

I agree, encourage, don't yell. When she does something well, praise her. tell her you like how she re-decorated her room, or tell her you like how she did her hair, or offer to read her homework and compliment her on a good idea or thought process.

 

get her into some activities she might like. horse-back riding, swimming lessons, art classes? something that she could find herself passionate about.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

If she's afraid to fail, it's likely because someone or something is making her feel that way, try to find out what that something is.

[Bethany]

I understand what you are saying as I have a daughter who was 16 and went through the same thing AND son who is 16 now.

 

Unfortunately, if they want to drift through life, there is nothing you can do as you cannot live life for them. It DOES NOT make them want to get off their bum and do something when you have a go at her,, it makes her feel sad and upset that you cannot accept her as she is and that you think that what she does is not good enough.

 

And even more unfortunately this is what you and your wife are doing..... She screams and yells " You're not good enough" and you come behind saying, "it's ok, she doesnt mean it, but she IS right.

 

Break that cycle and support her and you have it cracked.

[Momene]

I don't thinks that she's not "good enough". I thinks she has talent but her attitude and lack of energy and initiative are holding her back in life, not just academically. When I mean "earn the right to grow up", I mean take more responsibility for her own things (like organising her time to finish coursework) and not rely on my wife or I to keep reminding her.

 

I do often find myself cast in the role of peacemaker and yes, my wife is too hard on her in the way she puts things accross but nearly every criticism she makes is true.

 

I actually feel guilty in some ways in that some of my own insecurities (I'm on antidepressants myself) could get transferred onto her. For example, although I have a degree my career has hardly left the ground, although I'm not on a bad salary for what I'm doing.

[Holiday]

This is so interesting... I am fascinated by this whole topic. I would consider this such a marvelous challenge and want to put her in so many situations just to see her come alive. Like Hellen Keller with her hands under the running water at the well, it will all happen at once and she will not believe what she's been missing. I usually have those Eureka moments when love steps into my life. Emotional involvement in any activity will spur her on. If she is overweight, by the way, that will be a handicap forever. Just came to mind, the weight possibility. Just consider that if she is, she should really work on losing it. I'm sorry, I believe that is a handicap moreso on the confidence than a poor intellect.

[Holiday]

Not that she has a poor intellect, but nonetheless. I am sure, like you, she is intellectually gifted. But she is as you mentioned lacking in self-confidence, or of course, it's possible that she believes it's cool to be mellow with the 'rents.

[Bethany]

Then stop, you can't keep going on at her, it's her life and she needs to do it by herself with support from you and your wife.

 

It's difficult enough trying to live life with someone criticising you even if they do it because they love you and want more for you,but it's still criticism.

 

You can't make someone what they are not and never will be. You have to learn to accept that they are not you, that you cannot make someone do something by keeping on at them. You have to learn to keep your disappointments to yourself, accpet them for what they are and are not.

 

I've learned the hard way. Now I take a step back and let them make thier own choices, I can point them in the right direction yes but I cannot do it for them. Life gets much easier when you do this, for everyone. And since I took this approach with my children, there are no more arguments in this house and we live in peace and they are very happy with their lives and I am very happy that they are very happy, even though the choices they have made are not what 'I' wanted for them, I support them.

[sophie274]

I think you've already gotten a bunch of great advice, but if you have a bit of money to spare (and I know that you might not), you could do something like an Outward Bound course (or similar since you live in England) with her. I did one when I was 16 (I am now a few months short of 19) and it was really fun, and empowering, and had me so excited for trying new things once I got back! There are week-long father-daughter courses which I've heard are good, and that way it would be both a time for you two to bond some more and maybe to spark some interest in her.

 

Just a thought!

[togaduff]

Oh, my goodness!!! My 15 year old is exactly the same way. She does have certain interests, only those interests tend to alienate her from most of her peers. I guess loving horses and art aren't "cool" anymore. Anyway, when she isn't working with her horses or drawing something, she is the epitamy of LAZY!!!!! She literally will sit or lay for hours and do nothing. She has put on extra pounds that further alienate her. She just doesn't have the git up and go, it must have got up and went. I have done all the things that you have been told in this message board and none of them helped. Any more ideas, guys?

[RelaxByWater84]

I was like her just letting the world pass me by but, then I really didn't have any close friends. I am smart, but I struggle through math and science. I was at that age struggling in every subject and then my parents sent me to Huntington Learning Center where they teach study skills and tutor in the difficult subjects. A lot of schools do not teach study skills. And I am also ADD so that was a challenge. Hope this helps.