Please give me advice (should I dump him or not)

[bigbird11]

I am a 41year old single mum with 4 children. I split with my last ex 5 months ago. I joined a cellphone/mobile chat room line after the split looking for a new relationship. I have spoken to many nice men and 8 days ago I had a younger man (33) from my town text me seeking friendship or maybe more.

 

I replied and after seeing my picture, he phoned me and we arrange to meet that evening. We met and we had a chat and we seem to get on ok. After he left he text me and said he liked me, I also said I liked him. The following evening he rung me and asked me if I wanted to start a relationship with him. As I liked him, I agreed. He told me he didnt have much to offer me but he had a lot of love to give (which is the only thing I'm looking for anyway)

 

We have seen each other everyday since and I think he likes me but by his actions I am not sure because he is acting in what I call a strange manner. A few examples are...

 

- When I am with him, he is like telling me in advance different things i.e "I got to go back to my flat to clean the bathroom" (even though after everyday saying this he still hasnt cleaned it) He is telling me "I got to make an appointment with the doctor" (even though he never does). To me it seems he is making excuses for not spending much time with me (espiecially during the day even though he doesnt have a job). I cant understand as he has no job and no ties why he has to make these excuses. He is like planning in advance why he cant spend time with me. I can honestly say I dont think he is cheating on me or there is any other women involved.

 

- Yesterday he planned to come to mine today between 2-3pm but this morning he rung me and said he is seeing an old school friend and he wouldnt come to mine until 5pm. When he arrived I had his food ready which he ate and then he laid on the sofa (basically ignoring me) and then he fell alseep for 2 hours by which time I gone upstairs annoyed. I hadnt seen him since 9am the day before. He has stayed at mine but even though he has no reason to go back to his flat early and he has no plans for the day, he still leaves my house very early. I think this is odd for someone who says they want to be with me.

 

Do you think I am overeacting? I feel like as he comes to my house to eat that I am just there for company and I feel like I am being used. Do I end it now before I get too involed or should i carry on seeing him in hope it would get better?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Maybe he lives with his folks? Afterall he has no job, and it doesn't sound like he's exactly beating down the doors trying to get one either.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Wow BigBird -

 

First off - Welcome!! Glad you found ENA!!

 

I don't think anyone here can decide for you whether or not you should dump him. You'll have to decide that for yourself BUT....have you had a chat to him about what you've said here? I mean, does he KNOW you feel taken advantage of? I can see how you do, I guess I just think you should tell him first.....

[bigbird11]

Maybe he lives with his folks? Afterall he has no job, and it doesn't sound like he's exactly beating down the doors trying to get one either.

 

 

he has his own flat,he lives alone,i went there on tuesday

 

Wow BigBird -

 

First off - Welcome!! Glad you found ENA!!

 

I don't think anyone here can decide for you whether or not you should dump him. You'll have to decide that for yourself BUT....have you had a chat to him about what you've said here? I mean, does he KNOW you feel taken advantage of? I can see how you do, I guess I just think you should tell him first.....

 

Thanks for the welcome and the reply. I have thought about telling him but I am not sure how to and I am worried that if I do tell him, he would think I am being stupid. I am sure he does like me but I dont understand why he doesnt want to spend as much time with me as I do with him. I know we cant be in each others pockets but at the beginning of a relationship I thought that was when people spend the most time together. I know its only been 8 days but there is nothing stopping him and I thought he would want to spend as much time with me as he could before he gets a job. Maybe I am being silly?

[Momene]

I think he just doesn't want to be in your pocket all the time, which isn't such a bad thing. It would be good to clear the air wsith him but I don't see any red flags here.

[Kevin T]

He doesn't have a job.

 

Dump him.

 

I'm serious.

 

Men have jobs, boys play all day long.

[Momene]

He doesn't have a job.

 

Dump him.

 

I'm serious.

 

Men have jobs, boys play all day long.

 

WHY doesn't he have a job? If he's recently unemployed, it's understandable. If he's got a long history of unemployment, it's a red flag.

[bigbird11]

His last job was 2 months ago but he is currently looking for another job.

 

I saw him last night and he left his wallet here by mistake. He knew I was going to the shopping mall the next day and he rung me asking me to meet him there. I thought he would want to spend some time with me but instead he just wanted his wallet. He was dressed all smart and he was off to the coast with his brother so thats another day I wont see him.

 

It seems as if he is spending less and less time with me and I dotn know how much longer I can do this, I thought at the start of a relationship is when you spend the most time together. He is always telling me he wants to have fun but why doesnt he want to have fun with me? Ive told him some of the things Ive mentioned here and up to now he has not replied.

[NJRon]

You just met him 8 days ago and he is already acting like this? yeah, definitely dump him. No need to really even say much beyond you aren't really interested in continuing to see him. Not to mention, I find it a little odd to jump right into "you want to have a relationship" when you don't even know each other.

[bigbird11]

I was looking for a relationship and when he replied he was looking for friendship/maybe more and after we met it was his idea to start the relationship.

 

I know its only been 8 days but I feel like ive known him a lot longer.

[NJRon]

By feeling like you've known him a lot longer than 8 days do you mean it feels more like 12?

 

Seriously though. He is acting like he really is just looking for some casual stuff and just mentioned the relationship thing so he could start something with you. He obviously has no motivation for anything.. not a relationship and not a job... what else does he lack motivation for?

 

I could be missing something here, but the things you write send strong signals of apathy that, after just 8 days, should not exist.

 

Not spending all your time together is normal early in a relationship. However, the time you spend together should be a bit more memorable and fun.

[Momene]

How did his job end? Was he laid off, did he quit or was sacked? Or does he just drift from one temporary job to another.

[bigbird11]

Erm.. this man seems to have a lot of fun excuses like catching up with a friend, going to the coast with my brother, has to go to the doctor etc... Shouldn't his major priority be finding a job?

 

I also think that 8 days is far too early to start being demanding and spending every second of the day in each others pockets, however, my major concern is you have child, you don't want to encourage men that have nothing to offer you into your life and your childrens life?

 

Sorry for being harsh, he is only 33, it shouldn't be that hard to find a job, he could pump gas between job interviews if he really wanted to.

 

Protect your heart and your children.

 

Thanks for your comments. I know 8 days is early but I am not expecting anything from him i.e looking after my kids etc thats my job. All I am asking from him is some of his time but he doesnt seem to be able to give it to me.

 

I know maybe I am rushing things and he is young but its hard to find any man who would be interested in me as I already have children.

 

By feeling like you've known him a lot longer than 8 days do you mean it feels more like 12?

 

Seriously though. He is acting like he really is just looking for some casual stuff and just mentioned the relationship thing so he could start something with you. He obviously has no motivation for anything.. not a relationship and not a job... what else does he lack motivation for?

 

I could be missing something here, but the things you write send strong signals of apathy that, after just 8 days, should not exist.

 

Not spending all your time together is normal early in a relationship. However, the time you spend together should be a bit more memorable and fun.

__________________

I'm *not* the moose! Nor am I a certified advice giver of any kind... so take everything I say as my opinion... throw away what doesn't work and keep what does.

 

Good joke haha. I am the sort of person who rushes into things (which I know is wrong). I guess I am rushing into things as I split with my ex for 5 months after a 5 year relationship and I guess I am loney and looking for companionship that I am lacking in my life.

 

How did his job end? Was he laid off, did he quit or was sacked? Or does he just drift from one temporary job to another.

 

He was laid off and while he had that job he also did voluntary work at an handicap center.

[NJRon]

I can totally understand feeling lonely and looking for some companionship. I think, though, that 8 days is a little early to be jumping into an exclusive relationship. Especially, when the other person cam ein looking for friends (and maybe more) and then changed it when he found out you didn't want friends.

 

Having a child does not deter everyone. Especially, it doesn't deter responsible people, which are the type of people you would want in your life anyway. I would be hesitant to bring new guys around my kid until it was more serious. I would also be careful to not latch onto someone right away. It's only been 5 months. That's really not very long.

[Momene]

Well, many older men have already had children themselves, so are not looking for someone to have kids with.

[cadracco]

if he doesnt spent asmuch time with you as usually other people do in a relationship, then i think you should dump him, its only been 8 days, you probably wouldnt be heartbroken or anything, like other people said, talk to him about what ever is happening that you dont like... (what ever they mention above...) if he doesnt reply, then he is trying to avoid the fact your asking him. but if he doens know and al of a sudden buys you a big present or something, then he probably is taking advantage of you,

but to the way he act, it does seem like he is taking advantage of you, and posibbly, ( im not sure, but im sure you know best) have other relationships outside and taking advantages of them to, but you should let it go on for 5 days and see how ti goes.

[bigbird11]

Thanks for everyones comments and thanks for spending the time replying to my story. My problem has been solved... HE DUMPED ME!

 

He came round today and he told me that he was only staying for a few hours and that he was going round his mates house. I was a bit upset because I havent seen him hardly for 3 days and I thought today he would spend some time with me. We went for a long walk and had a long chat (2 and a half hours) and he said that I wanted to see too much of him and he thought that because he wouldnt spend much time with me, it would cause us to argue. He said it was best to end it before things got that far. He has only had 1 serious relationship which ended 2 years ago and he said he couldnt get use to being in another relationship. He also said that he couldnt get use to the fact that I have kids (even though he knew this before he met me)

 

When he did this, I was upset, he was trying to be nice but that only made it worse for me. He said he wanted to carry on seeing me but only on a friends basis but I said I didnt want this as my feelings for him were more than just friends. When we got back to mine, he collected his keys and left as if he couldnt wait to get out of the door (which made me more upset). At the moment all I feel is I've been used.

 

Do you think I should be friends with him? or just completely cut ties with him?

[saltwatergirl]

Your feelings are more than friends and you thereforeeee can't be friends? You have known this guy for what, 2 weeks? It takes longer than that to develop feelings for someone. (Feelings other than, "whoa, he's hot!) You have to get to know them, understand them, spend time with them, develop or share common interests, have conversations with them..... and develop these feelings over time, not in 8 days!!! I can almost guarantee you this is why he bailed, because you pursued him too hard, too fast, and wanted too much too soon. An 8 day venture should not ever include a 2 hour conversation about your wants and needs!!! Way too much too soon; and unless you do something about this neediness/clinginess of yours the next guy will bail on you just as quickly.

 

He initially was looking for "friendship, maybe more". You screwed this one up. What's done is done so let it go, but try to work on your issues of insecurity before you make another date with anyone else.

And no, I dont think I'd try to forge a friendship with him. Cut ties/move on.

 

Salt

[Momene]

I just feel it just wasn't right and that there's other fish in the sea.

 

Just remember to use the right bait!