Confused and looking for opinion/advice on breakup (Long, but detailed)- Help!

[Big D]

My girlfriend of 4 years (basically) broke up with me about 5 weeks ago out of nowhere.

 

A little background on her: We began dating when she was 16 and she's now 20. I was her first ever boyfriend, first sexual experience, etc. She also comes from a family where her mom and dad had a messy divorce (they were HS sweethearts) and the mom is now married again but in another unhappy marriage. She is also one of my best friend's sister and she is VERY close with my parents (even worked in the same office as my mom)

 

When we began dating, I had just gotten out of a relationship that I got burned badly on (cheating), so I was a bit hesitant to put myself out there, especially with such a young girl. At the beginning, there were some rough patches, but we spent the whole year together at school (my last year in HS) without much of a problem. Then when I went off to college and she was in HS, we had some problems with her being jealous and insecure because of me being in college, so I began to get annoyed with her and not make much of an effort to spend time with her. There were definite low moments during this 2 year stretch, but we always found our way back to great times when we were together, especially with holidays, vacations, etc. Despite the low points, I never cheated or anything of the sort. I stayed with her because we had become best friends and I really liked her a whole lot. I was afraid to tell her I loved her until I was 100% sure (again going back to being burned in my previous 2 relationships)...and I know this hurt her, but I tried to tell her and show her I loved her without saying it. We spent the 3 years together, with ups and downs, but always enjoying being around each other. Well once she got to college, things suddenly changed. About a month after moving into the dorms, she broke up with me because she said I didn't appreciate her and didn't treat her well and only wanted to be with her since it was convenient. I was devastated. We were apart for 2 months, with myself doing a lot of soul searching. I realized how much I truly did love her and that I had let my past 2 relationships affect how I treated her in the relationship. Despite the breakup, about two weeks later we began to talk and hang out as friends. At this point, I know her mom was telling her she needed to date other guys first because she'd never know, but it became very clear to me that she still had feelings for me, but would never commit. I finally asked her what the deal was, and she told me she had hooked up with 2 guys right after our breakup because she was so mad at me and they made her feel good (no sex, just the guys touching her and making out, etc.) and that she wanted to be with me for so long, but felt terrible and guilty about it, even though she was free to do whatever. I was crushed by this because I hadn't even looked at another girl when we were apart. However, I was able to put it behind me to the best of my ability and we got back together this past November (with her telling me she only wanted to get back together if she knew it was for good).

 

The next 7 months (I thought) were amazing. We spent tons of time together, always talking and enjoying each others company. I felt we had never been so close. She trusted me to turn to with every problem in her life (friends, family, school, work, etc.) and I was always there for her with everything. We went to Disneyland, kept with out Christmas and Valentines Day traditions, and began to make plans for next year with getting an apartment together. 9 days before we broke up was our 4 year anniversary and we had a great night out together with her saying we need to make plans for another double date with a friend sometime soon. The night we broke up, she came over and we went to dinner, to Hollywood video to rent a movie and we were flirting and holding hands in the store. Got back to my house and we watched the movie and cuddled with little kisses here and there. After the movie, I tried to make a move on her to be intimate and she wasn't interested. I asked her why she never wanted to be intimate with me (we had sex maybe once or twice a month- which didn't bother me, but of course who wouldn't want more). She then told me she's been thinking lately and talking to her mom, and she's starting to feel like she loves me as a best friend and that the 'feelings' have changed. She's mentioned before about not having the sparks there which after 4 years, is expected. I didn't get them all the time, but I loved her through the bond we had as friends and everything. So she starts crying and asks if she can still stay the night over, and I told her no I couldn't deal with that. So I walk her to her car as she's bawling, and she's holding me crying before we kiss and she drives off.

 

Now, as you can tell this totally blindsided me and I didn't know what had happened. The next day she IMed me telling me she's sorry and that time will heal all for us. I asked her if she ever saw us getting back together and she said that she used to see us together for good, but doesn't right now though it could change, and to move on and see where our lives take us. I immediately began to think there was another guy (she recently got a new job), but I've come to find out through a mutual friend of ours that not only does she claim there isn't another guy, but she doesn't plan on dating anyone anytime soon and that she'd rather me meet someone new first because she doesn't want to hurt me. She also said she loved me as her best friend and the closest person in her life, but doesn't think she's in love with me. She then wrote an email to my parents shortly after our breakup (because of how close they were). She said that she knows we've broken up before but this one was different. That she knows she'll never have feelings for anyone else like she did for me and that she's always wanted to marry me, but doesn't feel it anymore. She also mentioned that after we got back together, the feelings came back at first, but then went away. She again mentioned loving me as a best friend and that she hopes she'll get to see them again sometime in the future when she and I are in each others lives. So if she isn't in love with me: A) Why would she tell me we BOTH need to move on and heal- wouldn't she have already moved on & B) Why would she say she doesn't want to date anyone else because of my feelings. Then with the "feelings" being gone- Could it be that she's just in love with the idea of being in love and that with the honeymoon phase being over she's too immature to realize that the next step in a relationship turns into the type of best friend love we had? Especially with the fact that after a 2 month separation they 'came back for awhile' but went away again.

 

I just don't get it. She has to be aware that by breaking up with the boyfriend she is breaking up with the best friend. I don't understand how she could just turn her back on me and toss me to the curb after 4 years of being so close when we didn't have an issue of cheating, abuse, and lately she's had been talking so much about the future (including 2 vacations for the summer). It almost feels to me that she is forcing herself to do this because of the fact she's never been with another else and the whole scenario of grass being greener on the other side. Any ideas?

[VictoriasImage]

Sounds like my situation. We were together as long, with the same confusing ending (me being in your place). I know him saying he is not in love is bs, cuz i feel it from him still. Finally he admitted he was just pushing me away so he could have his space. I am uncertain, as you are, why the other person needs to be away. All we can do is wait and hope.

 

We also dealt with the grass on the other side issue. We were on the verge of being engaged a few months after me going away to college, and I freaked out because I thought he might be my only serious bf ever. So I dated a dude who turned out the bggest * * * * * * *, and got it out of my system. But the whole time me and the bf remained close......and he was waiting like he promised when i came round. But this time he is purposely maintaining distance, havent heard from him in a week. I feel like i had a carpet ripped from under me. Sounds like she should have gotten the other guy thing out of her system, and probably thats not a factor.

 

Do you guys fight a lot? My (ex) bf's life is really stressful, and I think my nagging may have sent him over the edge.

 

Maybe she really does just need a break, to learn to appreciate the relationship again, or find herself. I can see how that would make someone think they are not in love, etc., but I'm sure she will look back and realize how much you love her.

 

I'm not trying to give you false hope. I know that my (ex) bf may never come around, but I know our love was true, and I will always stick by it, if just alone. People get confused sometimes, and thats ok. Try to be her friend anyway, dont just cut her off cuz you are hurt, unless she is trying to take advantage of your feelings somehow. If you wanted her as a life partner, she must be worthy enough to be a friend only, even though it may be excruciatingly hard at times. She will appreciate it, and if there are feelings left for you, that will only help to rekindle and remind her what a good person you are. Hang in there and keep us updated.

[HeartAche]

She also said she loved me as her best friend and the closest person in her life, but doesn’t think she’s in love with me.

 

Is there some "How to break up" guide book and this is one of the required steps? That's exactly what my Fiancee of 5 years said to me last Friday.

[super ian]

Guys if shes sees not "in love" with you then there is nothing to keep bashing your head about. People fall in and out of love for many different reasons: one of the ones being that they werent *REALLY* in love to begin with... but many other more complicated ones as well.

 

I have had the "I love you, but not in love you" bullsh*t spewed to me before. She still cares about you because you have been a great part of her life, but well.... shes not in love anymore.

 

hahaha i love the "how to break up" guide book.

 

seriously how do you break up? honesty is always the best policy, but many girls, and guys as well, just dont want to hurt the other person and try to sugar coat things.

[Big D]

Do you guys fight a lot? My (ex) bf's life is really stressful, and I think my nagging may have sent him over the edge.

 

We used to fight alot the first 2 years we were together...but she got over her issues of being insecure and crazy jealous. We haven't really fought at all the past 7 months.

 

 

On a side note, I've kept NC with her for around 5 weeks and haven't seen her since the night we split up.

 

I'm starting to believe that she might not have loved me like I thought she did and that maybe it was more infatuation as the first boyfriend. I mean, honestly, if she can just walk away from her "love" and "bestfriend" and not look back, those feelings aren't true.

 

Also- Lastnight I came accross her Facebook page (she had deleted it, but when I got on mine an old comment from her was there, so I let it get the best of me to look at it) and I found out that she's been spending her time the past month hanging out with a bunch of guys she met this year. Yes, I'm aware they may just be 'friends'....but one of the guys she's spent time with is a guy she hooked up with on our last break and she knows I hate him. So, I decided to write a lengthy blog today that I'm hoping she'll read telling her that I'm tired of feeling like s**t and I'm going to give her what she wants and move on.

 

I'm not going to be a doormat and let her go out and do these things then expect me to be her "bestfriend" when shes out doing whatever. She'll see I'm ready to cut all ties, and she can sit and think about whether losing me for good is what she wants.

 

Time shall tell.