I was intimate with my ex-boyfriend

[AWomanScorned]

Two weeks ago I divorced my ex-husband, and I've been fine up until now.

 

After my husband left me several years ago I embarked on a relationship with another man. My then boyfriend was a wonderful guy. But, at that time in my life, I could not appreciate his tenderness for what it was. I always believed he had some ulterior motive. I often accused him of lying and cheating. I interrogated him about every single thing. We stayed together a year and a half before he finally broke up with me. After I successfully sabotaged the relationship I stayed on my own and went to counseling.

 

Move forward five years and my ex-husband shows back up in my life. I finally got the divorce(and alot of money), and I was on my way to getting it back together again. Then I ran into my ex-boyfriend. I've been going to the same gym for a year now and ~poof~ there he is. After We worked out we stopped and had lunch. Then we spent the rest of the day together. I invited him over to have dinner and drinks. I poured my heart out about the divorce and how I sabotaged our relationship. He was very understanding. I guess I was feeling very vulnerable, and we ended up having sex.

I regret doing that.

 

The next morning he asked me to consider picking up where we left off. He said that he is still in love with me, and I'm the only woman for him.

This is a dilema for me because I'm not in love with him. I don't think I was when we were together. That night I felt so confused and lonely. I just really needed someone to be with. Have you ever felt that way?

On onehand I want to let him down. But on the other I keep wondering whether or not I could grow to love him. Maybe he could be the man I share my life with? Perhaps fate is giving me another chance? If so then why am I still in love with my scum bag ex-husband; but in like with a really good ex-boyfriend? I really have no animal attraction for him. He is good looking and romantic, but I don't have the same visceral intensity for him that I had for my ex.

 

Should I avoid relationships totally right now? The sex with my ex came at the most inoppurtune time.

 

~Persephone~

[DN]

Should I avoid relationships totally right now?

 

Yes - you need time to regain equilibrium and sex with an ex will not help you do that. Too easy to hurt or get hurt.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

Since your husband just came back on the scene and all this emotion resurfaced for you, you are in a very vulnerable state right now. While it's understandable that you felt lonely and wanted to connect with someone imtimately, it's probably not a great idea to try and rekindle something with someone so soon after you were re-confronted with your abandonment and had to actually face your past (literally) and put closure on that.

 

You burned this guy once before, and you felt awful about it. Realistically, it's like you are in the same situation again-- he's back, he wants to try again, and you are freshly dealing with heartbreak again. If you could go back in time, would you have hurt him that way? Probably not- and a good idea why now is not a good time to set about hurting him (and yourself) again.

 

Tell him you appreciate his offer and are flattered but that you just went through your divorce, confronted your husband after 5 years, and need some time to recover and get on with your life, now that you finally have the closure you have needed.

[Belle]

Sigh. I think you should sort yourself out. I think you have the bad boy syndrome. I'm guessing your ex husband put you on an emotional roller coaster and treated you poorly and you were intensely attracted to the heightened emotions. The ex boyfriend is probably stable and caring. At some point in your life, if you want to be truly happy, you're going to need someone like your ex boyfriend. You said he's attractive and romantic.

 

You may want to get counseling. If you have a history (childhood) of being in overly dramatic situations, you may not know that stability is actually much more rewrding. You may not know how to live without the drama.

[Cyberchick]

I completely agree with Belle on this one. Maybe, as well, somewhere inside you you don't feel entitled to being treated well by someone. Maybe you felt you only deserve the kind of treatment that your ex husband had to offer. So it's hard to find this other guy very attractive.

[Hope75]

Sigh. I think you should sort yourself out. I think you have the bad boy syndrome. I'm guessing your ex husband put you on an emotional roller coaster and treated you poorly and you were intensely attracted to the heightened emotions. The ex boyfriend is probably stable and caring. At some point in your life, if you want to be truly happy, you're going to need someone like your ex boyfriend. You said he's attractive and romantic.

 

You may want to get counseling. If you have a history (childhood) of being in overly dramatic situations, you may not know that stability is actually much more rewrding. You may not know how to live without the drama.

 

What actually happened is the husband, 9as far as the OP knew, treated her very well until she came home one day and *poof*-- he was gone- moved away with another lover she had never even heard about. 5 years go by without a word from him and then he is in an accident in which he was injured and his (now pregnant) lover was killed- as was the baby. Having found him, the OP was finally able to get a divorce.

 

So... I don't think the "bad boy" appeal is there, since he was actually pretty good to her as far as she knew until the day he dissappeared.

[AWomanScorned]

The situation is precisely as Hope described. My ex-husband wasn't a bad boy. He treated me like a Princess when we were married. He was perfect in every sense of the word. Obviously, he was a little too perfect.

Oneday I came home and he was gone, and I didn't hear from him for five years. My husband wasn't a badboy. He was a snake.

 

As it is I've been dodging my ex-boyfriend's phone calls. I really don't want to be in a relationship right now. And I guess the night we shared together means more to him than it did to me. I thought I was so over my ex-husband, but seeing him again reopened the wound. Now I have to start the healing process over again.