6 mos of break up update...still struggling!

[dwbh]

hi ena,

 

I posted to an old thread under 'getting back together', but my story probably made no sense....and was just my way of venting.

 

To summarize for those of u who don't know my story, I dumped my boyfriend of 8 years in early january. This is our 2nd break up, I was so stressed from the relationship....and also tired of his ambivalence to marry me. I figured after 8 years, how can he still be unsure.

 

For the past few months we've been maintaining some contact. The last few months we started hanging out more often during the weekends. I think mostly because we still enjoy each other company and still trying to maintain some kind of friendship.

 

Last week he did something that has me rethinking our friendship. Part of the reason of our 1st break up was his obsession of a girl he met through me. He broke up with me because this girl was 'the one'. At that time, he did not even know her or even talk to her but he had it in his head that she was the one. To make a long story short...., she didn't want him and we eventually got back together (this was 3 years ago).

 

About 3 months ago this girl got engaged and I told him about it. What a big mistake that was because he was so bent out of shape to the point where he quit his job and took 2 weeks off to go to California. Even though we were not together it really upset me to know he was still in love with this girl, but even more so...i felt sorry for him.

 

Well, last week, my cousin calls me because she got a text from my ex asking when this girl's wedding was going to be. My cousin knows this girl really well..........when she told me that.....I jus about had it. I was so freak-n PISSED because he's involving my cousin and he seems so loooooney!!!! After all this time, he is still preoccupied with this girl whom he never dated, never really knew and even more so never even had 1 serious conversation with.

 

I haven't spoken to him for a few days now and I'm sure all of you will advise me to do NC!!!!!!!!! I guess I'm just so upset.

 

Do you guys agree that this guy is jus so UNSTABLE???? Is it me, am I just crazy to think that this 'fantasy girl' is normal, that its okay??????? What do u guys think?? Anyone go through a similar experience??

[Orlander]

It sounds like this guy is emotionally attached to someone else. Your best move might be to rethink ever having anything to do with this guy again.

 

You have to ask yourself if you want to be happy with someone else who pines for some girl he doesnt even know for the rest of his life or if you want someone who pines for YOU for the rest of his life.

 

Orlander

[lady00]

hi ena,

Well, last week, my cousin calls me because she got a text from my ex asking when this girl's wedding was going to be. My cousin knows this girl really well..........when she told me that.....I jus about had it. I was so freak-n PISSED because he's involving my cousin and he seems so loooooney!!!! After all this time, he is still preoccupied with this girl whom he never dated, never really knew and even more so never even had 1 serious conversation with.

This is very weird. This crush of his has clearly spun way out of control. Maybe his feelings aren't really about this girl he doesn't know. Maybe he has just be itching to delve into the unknown and date other people. Still, his fixation on this girl is strange. It was a big red flag that he went after her, got turned down and then you took him back. To him that might have made you look like his backup. Don't allow yourself to be that for him. Do NC for now. Let him realize that you're not waiting for him and that you're not going to be there for him anymore. You don't deserve a guy who is obsessing over someone he barely knows whom he has no chance with since she's getting married anyway. Urgh. It sucks that you have had to deal with that. Just try your best to realize that being apart from him is the best for you. He just couldn't get his act together and commit to you. NC is the first step to meeting someone who will. Right now focus on you and your own healing. The right guy will come along.

 

This guy is destined to be unhappy because he seems to desperately want something he definitely can't have. In the long run, that's not someone that you want to be around.

[super ian]

Last week he did something that has me rethinking our friendship. Part of the reason of our 1st break up was his obsession of a girl he met through me. He broke up with me because this girl was 'the one'. At that time, he did not even know her or even talk to her but he had it in his head that she was the one. To make a long story short...., she didn't want him and we eventually got back together (this was 3 years ago).

 

I dont even need to read the whole story (i still did) but that right there tells me that you should move on. This guy is one of those guy that is never happy, always thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. You wont ever be able to have an honest relationship or even trust him.

 

You know what the good thing about this forum is? Made me realize that its not just the girls that are f'ed up.... theres a more than GENEROUS portion of guys out there that also fit the bill...

[dwbh]

Thx for your input guys....

 

Yes, this guy really hurt me, but I have to admit. I'm not the angel either. As in all relationships we had our rough times.

 

I guess now I'm at that stage where I'm realizing that maintaining contact with him is just doing more damage. I left the relationship because I could not stand the stress anymore. And amazingly even though we're not in it anymore....I'm still stressed out...... I read a post a few days ago by icemotoboy and it really speaks the truth:

 

Why did I hold on for so long? Why was I STILL holding on? The answer was because my love was authentic, and I felt that if I let go I would be challenging this authenticity. It would mean that I would have to accept the love wasn't real... begging the question, what is love and how will I know authentic love when I see it?

 

We can continue loving someone even after they hurt us, and even once they leave us. Yet letting go of this love does not have to question the authenticity of the feelings. You don't need to trash your love, or call in the "love extreme makeover team" to remodel your views on love. You simply need to accept that just because feelings are authentic does not make them right or healthy.

 

I think we tend to over romanticize things and hanging on to that person we love is just human nature. But....jus coz we love someone doesn't mean their right for us.

 

For everyone out there going thru break ups....this is a great quote and some great insight. I just hope I can be strong enough to keep up NC.

[krieg]

Its really hard to let go of someone you have been so attatched to in the past, and its often hard to see it from any1 else's point of view, ,maybe your also a little frightened of not having the security of him ( however * * * * it may of been) emotionally. perhaps u need to find yourself another fish to become enthralled in.

[super ian]

Ouch thats not the kind of quote I would like to read... haha because its the opposite of what I feel (or rather what Im trying to convince myself).

 

My ex and I are still very much in love and I fail to see why we dont give it another chance after we have learned so much from eachother, finally learned all the mistakes and the pain we have caused the other person, and finally learned and are secure enough to admit that we have no doubts about it.

 

How do you know love is not right or good for you? When do you pass that crucial point between giving it another shot OR moving on?

[shamus]

dwbh

 

Long time no see! wow, what a ringer you have been put through...

 

seriously, lose the guy. it's tough. As others have said, you want to be with someone who wants you, not someone else. This guy seems like he is keeping you on the back burner until something better comes along. That is not fair to you. You deserve to be the focus of his attention. My ex did the same thing, and eventually found someone else, leaving me high and dry. It's not a great place to be. these people have the "grass is always greener mentality"

 

i went through a lot of heartache, tried dating, didnt work. I missed my ex. when i finally saw how bad she was to me, after a few months of heartache, i realized i deserved better, but that i wasnt ready to date. So i decided to be alone and just enjoy myself.

 

It was great, i went to Vegas, went hiking, did a lot of activities. Yes there were tough times, but i grew.

funny thing...as soon as i "gave up" on dating and looking for someone-I met someone new. It is funny how life is. It's been 6 weeks now, and we speak everyday, if i dont see her, we talk on the phone for about 2 hours. the conversation just flows, and we clicked instantly. i had never thought i would find that again. and my new GF, I trust her completely, unlike my ex. New GF doesnt carry the baggage the ex did.

its completely refreshing to be with someone who truly wants to be with me, who doesnt call me names, doesnt get jealous, and has so many common interests as me.

 

when i finally let go, i found what i was looking for. but it was not an easy road by any means.

[dwbh]

Shamus-

 

That's great to see how you've really healed. I remember you're first posts....they were so painful...but all of us in here have also gone through similar experiences. Your story is an inspiration.........I'm glad you've found someone who trully appreciates you. As for me, still trying to heal....I'm finding that this relationship has left me somewhat callus and finding it difficult to find any sincerity in what people say.....I have met a few guys, but I'm either too scared that I will get hurt or not interested which spells out to me the fact that I'm still carrying some baggage (understandably) and just need more time alone. Interestingly, I find myself going on online dating sites.......and this is probably compounding my problems rather than helping it. Maybe its the loneliness, maybe its just wanting to fill that void.......i know its bad.........but i'm workin on it.....working on trying to heal myself and move on....thx for your post.

[super ian]

You know what, to get over a breakup in August I found the easiest thing is to find someone else, just date them. Go online, whatever. I find it helps, yet I know most people will disagree.

 

I dont wait until I get over a person before I see someone else, I see other people to help me get over that person.

 

Many people have told me otherwise, but this has helped me in the past.

[shamus]

well, thank you.

from time to time my ex pops into my head, and the hurt and betrayal that she put me through are still there, however it is dulled now. it isnt that there is someone new she is with, it's that she left me when she made new friends, i was really the only friend she had.

so that hurt is worse than the loss of her as a lover.

 

but i would not get back together with her, no way.

 

sometimes dating others does help, it sort of did for me, it was exciting, but i would leave feeling worse-as the women i met onlie or at the bars didnt compare to my ex. Yet it was good for me to get out there again.

I met my current GF unexpectedly...through a mutual friend i had not talked to in some time. she introduced us, and there was an attraction. i wanted to go slow, so it just started as her and i talking, emailing, etc for 2 weeks. we got to know each other quickly, talking nightly on the phone for 2 hours. I was scared, as this girl made me feel just like my ex did in the beginning. so while we may have moved a little quick, it just flowed that way. so our first date was amazing, and we continued to see each other, and have gotten serious.

 

remember that there is a whole new world out there. it is painful losing someone you care about, and you lose their presense in your life.

however, it is YOUR life. you deserve the best. with my ex, i settled for less, she was great in some aspects, but i let her walk all over me for fear of being alone. when i let go of that fear and started enjoying my life, i met my current GF.

so i do owe my ex a lot. i did learn a lot from her. i learned what i want, what is acceptable, what is unacceptable, how to overcome my fear that i would always be alone and be able to accept life doesnt always work out the way we want and that i should never again settle.

 

dwbh-we are all here for you. take it one day at a time. cry if you need to(it helped me) get out of the house, go to the gym, i went for many walks around my neighborhood-and that helped me tremendously. learn to appreciate the little things.

 

it does get better.

[dwbh]

So I haven't spoken to the ex since Tuesday...and i get a missed call on Sunday...it was him....i called him back. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. So small chit chat about how he missed my company, blah blah blah...and he thought i was mad at him that's y he never called me.......HAHAHA....mad? what an understatement right?

 

So I asked him what he did during the weekend...he said 'nothin'...then 2 minutes later he goes into this story about how his co-worker from his last job asked him to go to red lobster becoz she saw a commercial on tv and had the urge to go....now, this is "date #2" with miss thang (they went to a club together the weekend before)...and he denies any type of affection or romantic capacity with her. Side note: i've seen emails from her saying..."were you dreaming about me and if i was i had better be wearing heals..!##$#%#$@" So, I said to him...if there is anything going on between the two of you, it will confirm my suspision that you guys were flirting while we were together....and yet he continued to deny anything........HAHAHAHAHA....i must look like some FOOOL huh...anyway, whatever....my cell phone started to die and i jus said..."look i have low battery gotta get off the phone" while his in mid sentence talking about some dream he had on the weekend..............[sigh] Unbelievable, right?

[Rob38]

Going out helps...but nothing serious...it can only complicate it. i have been grieving on ad off for 4 months...and I would feel awful if i met someone great and rushed it. Let yourself grieve. o out have fun...but you will know when you can move on. And that is when you can kiss another peron and not think about the last one you kissed.

[kadvati79]

Yes, this guy really hurt me, but I have to admit. I'm not the angel either. As in all relationships we had our rough times.

This tells me that you're being very objective about things. It tells me you have a real strength and sense of maturity. It is easy enough to be angry at someone who hurt you, but quite apart is to rise above that and simply accept and admit that you were vulnerable and they hurt you.

 

I guess now I'm at that stage where I'm realizing that maintaining contact with him is just doing more damage. I left the relationship because I could not stand the stress anymore. And amazingly even though we're not in it anymore....I'm still stressed out...

I've read much of your story. I don't think this guy is a bad guy, and to be honest, I believe deep down we are all good people. But just because he isn't consciously being a "bad guy" doesn't mean he isn't bad news. You seem to have identified that having him in your life is doing more harm than good, this is an important step. But its one thing to decide you need to remove someone you love from you life, but its quite another thing to actually do it.

 

joyce1412, like myself, grappled (and still is) with this very same issue. My advice to her was simple: "NC or punch him in the face, anything else is more than he deserves". Now I am not necessarily advocating violence, the intent is to give you some perspective about what you actually owe him. What do you really owe this man? Nothing. You owe him nothing.

 

I think we tend to over romanticize things and hanging on to that person we love is just human nature. But....jus coz we love someone doesn't mean their right for us.

Bingo. Its been quite an ordeal for you to get to this point I am sure. But when you get to this point you have to tear that person from your life. Its what I recommended to Donster. It hurts, bad. Its more than letting go. Its more than giving up. Its making an active decision to remove that person from your life because you see there is no future there. For whatever reason, they are a poison to your soul. The problem with people who we give access to our hearts is that the reason we fell in love will probably always remain. And every time we feel its time to give up we find another reason not too. So I just gave up. I didn't wait to feel it. I tore the person I loved from my life, I removed them. Like I was cutting a leg off that was trapped under a boulder.

 

Do I love my ex? Yes, I do. But just because I love him doesn't mean I should fall senselessly on my sword, letting my life crash around my ankles simply because of this love. There may come a time, many years from now, where he ceases to have an effect on my heart. But until that time comes, I realise I am unable to make rational decisions around him. Because I love him, and I feel the authenticity of it, inside I think this conquers all. But it doesn't conquer him being poison in my life.

 

How do you know love is not right or good for you? When do you pass that crucial point between giving it another shot OR moving on?

Love shouldn't continually hurt you. Look for the pattern of behaviour. If the pattern is that you keep getting hurt, then the love is not good for you. It is hurting you. Love makes you vulnerable and open to hurt, and from time to time even the most dedicated lovers will hurt you. But the pattern should not be one of hurt.

 

In another topic I posted a quote I heard that "the biggest mistake we make is thinking that the loved ones who hurt us won't do it again". I think it takes 1 to 6 months to really fall in love with someone, but it takes 12-24 months to really get to know someone. So you become emotionally vested in them long before you actually know if they are right for you.

[dwbh]

icemotoboy- you're input is very much appreciated....and speaks very much the truth. But as in these circumstances its so much easier said than done. Not saying I will go back to talking to him.......but for some reason....I'm not sure i can absolutely go cold turkey. I won't initiate any contact, BUT if he does call me I won't play like I don't exist. I know I don't owe him anything, but something inside me won't allow me to jus cut off the wounded leg completely.

 

On the other hand, I do feel like I've come along way from how I was in January (which was a total wreck).......and I'm proud to say I've been able to slowly pick up the pieces and continue life as usual......BUT I realize I still have a long way to go. Thanx again for your great advise.

[kadvati79]

But as in these circumstances its so much easier said than done. Not saying I will go back to talking to him.......but for some reason....I'm not sure i can absolutely go cold turkey.

Ain't that the truth! But why do you think you can't go cold turkey? Lets lay the reasons out on the table and consider them.

 

I won't initiate any contact, BUT if he does call me I won't play like I don't exist. I know I don't owe him anything, but something inside me won't allow me to jus cut off the wounded leg completely.

You need to think about why this is an acceptable situation to you. That leaves so much uncertainty. Look. If he REALLY wanted to get in touch with you, he could? Don't you want to be valued? If he did want to get back with you, I mean really want too, don't you think he would try any way he could to get in touch with you? And if this was the case, I mean, if he REALLY wanted to try this time, if he REALLY had changed, would he just say "hi whats up" or would he say,.... hmm... I don't know, something more heartfelt?

 

If my ex turned up on my doorstep, in tears, begging forgiveness. Well. I suppose I would at least give him an audience. But if he just wants to know how I am, he can just go play in heavy traffic for all I care. This is not about accepting the scraps of reciprication that someone is offering you, in the hope that something happens... it is about hoping that you will find someone who truly values you.

 

The thing that is stopping you from cutting the trapped leg off, is the very thing holding you back. You need to critically examine WHY you are holding on this this character. Just why is he so special? Is it because you are scared you won't find someone else? That you will never feel the same again? Is it your feelings? Your desire to hold onto them to maintain their authenticity? If so, do you really need to hold onto them to maintain that? No! You don't!

 

On the other hand, I do feel like I've come along way from how I was in January (which was a total wreck).......and I'm proud to say I've been able to slowly pick up the pieces and continue life as usual......BUT I realize I still have a long way to go. Thanx again for your great advise.

You certainly have. It is obvious, and its a very hard road to go down. But you are still holding on, waiting for the feelings to change, waiting for the hope to die or grow. But I think now its time to club the hope on the head with an axe. If he does change, then cross that bridge when you come to it. In the mean time, I think you need to critically examine just why you don't want to go cold turkey. You don't quit smoking by only smoking half a cigarette, you just quit.

[dwbh]

icemotoboy- i smiled when i read your last post.....why? probably because you're saying something that i am in denial of.........URGHHHHHH, and the truth hurts.....yes, you're right....ABSOLUTELY and POSITIVELY.......i shared my story with a close friend and she had the same attitude - "cut him off completely".......but how? is the question....do i have to get really really mad at him?

 

When I do analyze the situation my excuse is that i will always love him and what if he needed someone to talk to....i want to be there for him....... but i know once he starts talking about this girl who's supposed to be 'the one' or the girl from work........the smoke starts coming out of the ears........lol........and i get stressed out again......and i'm back to square one!!! So, yes, i realize what harm its doing.........i need to buy a break up patch or something........ur right....its just allowing myself to come to terms with it........

[dwbh]

So what do i do? Do i tell him or just do it? UHHHHHHH!!!$%^^$%