Crushed after five years!

[faster302]

Hello all, This is the first time for me using a forum, I really need some advice, this is killing.

 

My girl broke up with me, we have been together for 5 years, we got engaged a little over a year ago. I am 30 and she is 27. I thought everything was going great, we just broke up last week.

 

The week before she dumped me, she acted like she didn't want to talk to me when I called her. She came down over the weekend and told me she wasn't happy, and she didn't want to get married, and didn't want to be with me. I was crushed, this was so unexpected. She told me she loves me and that i am so wonderful, she even stayed the night, we hugged, kissed, and cryed all night together.

She said she didnt want to hurt me by staying with me pretending that she was happy.

 

Well, from advice from a friend I didnt call her for a week, but i sent her a couple small talk emails and a few text messages over the cell phone. I have not been able to sleep, so I broke down and called her, we talked for like 90 min I told her i missed her and she said that she dosnt know if she misses me. When i told her I love her she told me she loves me. this is so messed up, how could she love me and not want to be with me! i just dont understand it. I feel like part of me is gone. I want to give her space, and not push her further away, but its so hard not to call her, Oh and she told me that I could call whenever i wanted! whats up with that! I have all of these ideas running threw my head things that I want to do to win her back, but I dont know if doing them would just make things worse. I am not from this state and only have one good friend here, he has been a big help getting my mind off of her but when i am alone is when it kills me. i decided to take 3 weeks of vacation starting monday and just go down south toward florida to try to clear my head. Should i send her flowers, I was thinking about sending five dozen roses, one for each year together, but i dont know if it is to soon or what. I really need advise, please help

[segagirl]

Hi faster3o2, and welcome to eNotalone.

I understand you and your long time love have split? I am so sorry to hear that. I am sure you feel like your whole life is changing.

 

So far I think you are doing well. Taking some time, not calling her too much, letting out the feelings of hurt and talking a vacation. All smart and good things to do.

 

In regards to winning her back....I think you know that it is not your actions that lost her....so it will not bring her back either. Many times we are so hurt after a break up we do all the wrong things..we call to much, we cry...we beg....we send flowers.....Just know its normal to want to do this, but that it will gain you nothing. She is asking for space, show her you respect her wishes.

 

She does love you, and I am sure you also know that love does not mean you are happy, or that someone is right for you. She loves you because of your history, of your kindness to her. This is not the same as loving someone in a way that makes you want to share your life with them....BUT....this may just be a "phase"...she might just need some time. Did the two of you really sit down and talk about what was wrong?

[faster302]

When she broke up with me, all she said was that we have nothing in common, but that is not totally true, she just doesn't do anything, no hobbies at all just work and going out to bars, and hanging with her sister (I think she had something to do with this mess). We both enjoy going out to clubs and bars. She is a big time music fan and we like 95% of the same music. We like the same TV shows and movies. I am not controlling at all, have let her do anything she wanted to do over the 5 years. Only one time i told her I did not want her to go on a bus trip with an all guy band that she was friends with, but she went anyway, but that was a long time ago.

 

I just don't know what happened, she didn't even give me a chance to make things right or try harder, or tell me she wasn't happy with something that I could have changed. Hell I would have even went to concealing with her don't know if there is another man or what. I don't want to know if there is, that would kill me, but it might make me not want her back so much. I hate feeling this way.

 

I have been thinking about calling her mother and talking to her, her Mom and dad think highly of me. Her dad being ex-military and me being active duty, and I help her Mom with many home improvements that would have coasted her big time. I even fix ther cars. Then I think about calling her sister and talking to her trying to get insight, but they are best friends and I don't think she would tell me anything, plus she lies all the time. Do you think I should call them.

[vampyr]

Well, my ex girlfriend did the same crap to me. She would tell me she loves me and cry over it and yet she couldn't stand to stay home with me anymore. I thought to myself... hmmm... Well, it turned out that she was seeing someone else, or was becoming involved with someone else. The problem was that she didn't want to give up what she had with me. Screwed up.. I know.

My point is, now that you know where I am coming from, you should try very hard at getting involved in something else. I joined a local fitness club and go there every night. I am in better shape than before, and if my ex ever decides to see me, she will see what she missed. You have to think really hard, what were you like when the 2 of you first met?! How have you changed since then?! For me... I was more in shape and more confident of myself. Back then, I have no need for a girlfriend in my bed as I was happy by myself. I think if you work on getting yourself to where you were before you met her, then all the better for you.. and her.

[splinter]

Hello,

 

I am new to this board, but I thought I would put my 2 cents in, especially this post because it is so similar to what I am going through. First off, I realized that no matter how hard I try to get her back, only she can make that decision. I feel that the harder I try the more she is going to pull away. I've read alot of these forums lately and gotten some great advice. I've also realized a lot of things about myself. When my ex broke up with me, I begged I pleaded, and asked for a second chance. I also asked why she never discussed these issues with me and drop this bomb all of a sudden. In retrospect though, I realized that she did try to tell me, but in her own subtle ways and I just didnt' listen or didn't want to listen. After I realized this, I started writing all my thoughts down on paper and started understanding more and more how much I didn't understand about her during the relationship.

 

Its been about a month now since our break up and I am meeting with my ex for the first time this Sunday. The reason being is that when she asked to remain friends and asked if she could call me I told her that I needed a month to think about it and then I would let her know. I felt that I needed time to clear my thoughts and try to be rational. Well judgement day has come and you know what? The biggest realization I have made is that I can and want to be friends with her. If this never blossoms into a romantic relationship again then so be it. Don't get me wrong, I want her back soo bad, but I now know that I don't necessarily need her.

 

I have taken this last month to really look at myself and like Vampyr I have tried to improve myself for myself. I have been working out every day and have lost 20 pounds. I am eating much healthier now and I quit smoking completely. Of course I hope that she sees these changes in me and realizes how much I care for her, but if she doesn't I am at least improving myself.

 

Sorry for the long babble, but hope that helps.

 

Splinter

[faster302]

I have been thinking about going to the gym but it is hard to get motivated to go and with work its hard to find time, IM not in to bad of shape I have only picked up around 10 pounds the whole time we have been together. But she has put on around 40 pounds! But she is still a very beautiful woman even with the extra weight, I still love her and have never told her she was getting fat or anything. But yes I think I am going to start going back to the gym when I get the time.

 

I called her mother last night, and talked to her for a long time, I wasn't sure if I should have but she said she would say anything about it and to call whenever I wanted even to stop by. Her Mom really cares about me, hell she was crying more then me. But we both couldn't figure what was going on, it was just as much as a shock to her as to me. Mom told me that g/f said their wasn't anybody else she was seeing or anything and she told her Mom that should would never cheat on me that she loved me to much to hurt me like that. But she did say that she wanted to make sure

that we was right for each other because when we got married it would be forever.

 

So do you guys think that she could just be testing me? maybe wanting some extra attention? Or something? The g/f did say something about "we didn't act like a young couple" I say we act like a couple that is very much in love and are ready to get married.

 

Damn she just Instant Messaged me!

 

Well, I just got done talking to her, we just made small talk. We didn't bring anything up about the split up, I am actually happy that see started talking to me first. I have only called her one time in the week we have been apart that was 3rd so maybe she is starting to miss me a little? I don't know.

 

What I wanted to get advise is on what her mother told me. She said I should call her up and ask to meet somewhere, then try to talk things out. All of my friends are telling me to wait, I don't know how long to wait, she is kind of bullheaded so it will be hard for her to call me. I told her Mom about this idea I had to send her five dozen roses, but I want to send one dozen to her work, then one half dozen to her house for five days, then maybe put something on the card like "Five dozen roses, one for each wonderful year we was together" I don't maybe I am just lame....

 

Thanks for all the good advice.....

[zerohour]

Faster,

 

I know exactly what you're going through. It's amazing how many people get into this situation. Then it becomes a matter of "what can I do to win her back?"

 

The answer, of course, is nothing.

 

This means two things...

 

1) No action that you take will cause her to reconsider the relationship. Sending 5 dozen roses, believe it or not, will only hurt your chances of getting back together. She knows that you care for her a ton, but by sending roses, you're just showing her that you aren't strong enough to be on your own.

 

2) Doing "nothing," or in other words, getting over it, will show that you are a strong person, and that's probably what attracted her to you in the first place.

 

Here is what I suggest...

 

STOP CALLING HER. Yes, I know, talking to her is wonderful. But every time you talk and the conversation isn't her taking you back, you're going to feel like shit afterward. Believe me.

 

And yes, it's nice if she calls or messages you, but really, that's only a temporary "fix". Think of it like a drug addiction... when you have a craving, say, for a cigarette, having a cigarette will make the craving go away, just like talking to her will make the craving go away. But in the long run, having another cigarette is not how you break the addiction--you just feed it. It's the same with this girl. Talking to her once more is not going to make you feel any better. In order for you to get over your addiction to her, you need to break off contact.

 

And should you do that by giving her the silent treatment whenever she calls or IMs? No... bad idea. Because they, secretly, in the back of your mind you're hoping that she tries to contact you. You're not really getting over it, because every time your phone rings your heart skips three beats at the possibility that its her calling. That, my friend, is an addiction in full swing.

 

The better solution here is to call her the first chance you get, and explain to her that you're having a hard time dealing with this, and that what you need is for her to stop contacting you (be sure to say this honestly--and not be crass or rude). Tell her that when you are ready to be friends with her, YOU will call HER--and ask that she doesn't call you until then. See where we're going with this? If you're not constantly wondering if she's going to call or IM you, you can begin to move on. And maybe in four or six months you will be ready to talk to her again, and then (and only then) should you call her. Not before.

 

At least this way, it gives you the power to fight your own addiction without having the addiction come to you. Can you imagine how hard it would be to quit smoking if cigarettes were marching into your house and jumping into your mouth? You need to take control of this situation, and the best way to do that is to control the contact between you two. She should understand that you need space to get over this.

 

And other than that, I wish you the best of luck with this. It's a shitty situation, it sucks. Being broken up with is about the worst feeling in the course of a human life, but just realize that it hurts less with time. You will have good days (when you're positive that you're over her), and then bad days (when you just can't sleep because you're thinking about her so much). But with time, the former will become much more frequent than the latter, and you will be able to go back to being your old, independent self again.

 

Good luck!

[dazn]

Please whatever you do dont waste your money and send 5 dozen flowers! I just broke up with my ex of 5 years and I did just that...wasted quite a bit of money but atleast she kept them. I realized I could of bought myself some new clothes or go on a couple of dates with different girls etc. If she made the choice to leave she will make the choice to return. Just hang in there and try as little possible to cut all ties...Good luck!

[faster302]

Thanks, I have decided not to send them, I now from everybody's advice it wouldnt work or maybe even make things worse, But I have been talking to her a little, and I told her that I was going to get rid of the engagement ring, she told me not to and cried, told me to just put it away. Then I told her that this would be the last time we talked and she said that she didn't want that, and cried, I told her I needed it for myself, so we agreed not to talk for one month. I leaving on a three week vacation today so that shouldn't be to hard for me, but she doesn't know that I am leaving. I did tell her one other thing that I think I shouldn't have but I think it did get a positive response of her feelings toward me. I told her I was going out on a date. She just gasped and said WHAT! I was like I cant wait around on her just setting here thinking about what she is doing, thinking she might be going out with other guys and stuff, I don't know if she is or not. So I am just giving her all the space she needs, Oh and she is calling it a brake now insted of a brake up. I think me telling her that I had a date was good and bad. I did go out on the date and it was fun, but afterwards I felt so bad like I was cheating or her, I guess this is normal? its only been two weeks now. I think it might have been to soon to go out on a date. It was hard for me, hell I almost didnt go.