help please, does this mean he doesn't love me

[jess111]

Now I am not sure if he is just depressed as I suspect mild bi polar. or if it is a man thing??

 

He recently went away on a trip with friends, slept with another woman, then came on pretending all was fine for 3 days, then left me for her. He swore at first he was not sleeping with her, just unhappy at home. He did not seem unhappy, just a little depressed in general, When I asked him he said he just needed this trip with his mates. BUt these are the reasons he is giving for being unhappy

 

he said I never do him a decent lunch for work, so I reminded him how wrong he was. He was so shocked at how wrong he had got it

 

Another thing is that he thought I only went on the back of his motorbike to please him!! So not true

 

Also he said I never want to do anything other than horsey stuff, so I pointed out loads of things I had said we should do and the did not remember.

 

 

Also for some reason he said if I do mention going somewhere nice, he actually thinks 'why should I, don't you have enough with all the money your horse costs' He doesn't see that I want to have a nice time with him, just thinks I want more!

 

now I don't know if maybe this is because he doesn't love me as he should do or what. We have been married 22 years

 

I really don't know what to do, I love him so much

[melrich]

I have to say I am really confused.

 

Is your problem the fact that he thinks you don't make nice lunches, only ride motorbikes to please him and do too much stuff with horses....

 

or, the fact that he slept with another woman?

[nadine_3110]

So are you still with him or not? Cus I surely wouldn't stay with a man who cheated on me, to me that's intolerable, and unforgivable.

[jess111]

He is still with the other woman. He says he is only there because it is convenient, ie he has no money for a place of his own. He says there is more about her that he dislikes than there is he likes. but says the opposite is true of how he feels about me.

He is also the sort that is not strong enough to be alone!

 

I am more worried about him being with her obviously BUT am also worried about his reasons they just are not real, but he truly believes them.

 

his Doctor has referred him for an assessment or Bi-polar because of how he is., he was diagnosed with depression 18 months ago, but now we think he may have BP not depression

 

I don't know whether these reason he gives and the fact they are completely untrue are due to him trying to make excuses for what he has done or whether it is the BP. so wondered if other men without BP make up stuff that isn't true to excuse their infidelity and leaving

 

But he did used to say similar things before he slept with her!!! surely his perception is all wrong??? he is also quite intolerant of other people

 

he once walked out of a pub on his brother and did not speak tohim for 2 years. his brother still has no idea what it was about

[jess111]

nadine one of the listed symptoms of BP is infidelity, otherwise I would be the same as you!

[melrich]

I am more worried about him being with her obviously BUT am also worried about his reasons they just are not real, but he truly believes them.

 

I don't think it matters whether his reasons are real or not. Things like lunches and riding motorbikes are incidental issues only. Even if they are true they are not reasons to end a 22 year marriage.

 

So I would take those completely out of the equation and try to figure out what is really going on with him.

[hardcharger]

>Now I am not sure if he is just depressed as I suspect mild bi polar. or if it is a man thing??

sorry Jess, not much advice I can offer but, as a man, I can assure you this is not "just a man thing". So it has to be something else.

[jess111]

That is what I am trying to do, BUT I don't know whether it is BP or whether it is because he just doesn't love me enough

 

He says he does love me more than anything in the world. So now I am confused.

 

he says he cannot see how I could truly forgive him and that I should not forgive him.

 

But also still thinks he was unhappy.

 

Well yes he may have been unhappy but the reasons he gives for being unhappy in our relationship are not real

 

That leads me to believe he was in the depressive stage of BP

[melrich]

Well yes he may have been unhappy but the reasons he gives for being unhappy in our relationship are not real

 

That leads me to believe he was in the depressive stage of BP

 

To be honest I think you may be subconsciously looking for excuses for him. Unhappiness does not equal Bipolar.

 

I'm not saying he is not Bipolar but that would more than likely be something you worked out by elimination rather than as the first diagnosis.

 

How long has he been unhappy for? If he was bipolar and has been for a while you would have witnessed episodes of extreme irrationality if he was not on appropriate medication.

[itsallgrand]

Could he be going through a midlife crisis?

 

22 years is a long time. I don't have the experience to back up my advice. I'd suspect is much more complicated than a bf who cheats.

[jess111]

In hindsight yes there were periods of irrational behaviour and serious 'highs' and 'lows'

 

I think he was confusing unhappiness with depression. He felt miserable so was looking for reasons why, so he came up with those. Also BP alters their perception so they don't see things how they really are. They blame others etc

 

He has been on prozac for nearly 2years, which I am reliably informed can after a while stop working and is not the ideal medication for BP as it can cause manic stages.

 

Also strange is while he was away but 'before her' he had gone into a manic stage, also was phoning me all the time saying how very much he loved and missed me and what agreat time he was having despite this and that, in a low stage this 'this and that' would have sploilt the trip.

[melrich]

Then you should get him to see a professional and be properly diagnosed and medicated.

[jess111]

Then you should get him to see a professional and be properly diagnosed and medicated.

 

We are waiting for an appointment to come thro, trouble is we will have to wait until at least the end of August

[Tigris]

Jess I agree with you that infidelity is one of the Bipolar symptoms.

 

It sounds like Bipolar to me.

 

IF you aren't the person who deals with the bills and finances in your house I advise you to change everything quickly so that you are. People with Bipolar do not handle money very well and get these sudden impulses to buy things that aren't important. If he's got credit cards then get them stopped or reduce the limit as low as possible and inform the companies why.

 

I hope he hasn't got Bipolar because it's a very rocky road to travel for the person and their family.

[jess111]

Jess I agree with you that infidelity is one of the Bipolar symptoms.

 

It sounds like Bipolar to me.

 

IF you aren't the person who deals with the bills and finances in your house I advise you to change everything quickly so that you are. People with Bipolar do not handle money very well and get these sudden impulses to buy things that aren't important. If he's got credit cards then get them stopped or reduce the limit as low as possible and inform the companies why.

 

I hope he hasn't got Bipolar because it's a very rocky road to travel for the person and their family.

 

He is not living with me anymore so cannot control what is happening! Luckily he is also a worrier as far as money is concerned and so far has not gone ott. oh he had a few iffy moments but always sees sense before it is too late.

I am just so heartbroken I don't know what to do