Is it really over? (long)

[VictoriasImage]

Here is some background on the situation.

 

We have been dating seriously for 4 years. We are from the same hometown, and met in highschool, shortly before he graduated. At first it was a physical thing, then grew and grew. He was my first serious boyfriend, and I was his second, but longest, serious girlfriend. He didnt treat me very well in the beginning, but I still loved him, and our relationship turned out really well. I went off to college 2 years into the relationship, and being without parents to help him, he stayed back to work and attend school sparingly when he can. Although it's been long distance 6 months out of the year, it's been wonderful. We have dealt with cheating (me first, then him), and that's water under the bridge. We both understand eachother's reasons,(he made me feel like I wasnt worth long distance relationship and was going to break up, and he felt like he wasnt at peace unless the cards were even) etc. and moved on. At one point, I felt that he may be my only bf ever since we got really serious, so I ended up dating someone else for a few months to get it out of my system. That was a year and a half ago, and he was waiting for me the whole time, and when I came to my senses, we were back together.There were points we contemplated marriage, and as far as I know, we were still planning on it after we finish school.

 

He actually was about to sign a lease on an appartment where I go to college, so he could start school full time. Last december though, his very close friend (they are like family) lost very young family members in a bad accident, one died right away and the other after 3 weeks. it was very devastating, so he decided that he needed to stay awhile and be there for them. I understood, but didnt want that getting in the way of him going off to school, which is important. So he never ended up moving, but still thinks he should.

 

We always fought about a few things, but since then it seems to have intensified. He lives in a bad area and has been trying to get out for years, but he can never seem to save up enough AND pay bills, money is a big stress factor for him. He is irresponsible with money too, and I try and give him advice a lot since I can manage it well. He gets bent out of shape that I always have tp pay for everything we do, etc. But he gets INTENSELY angry about little things that involve money, like if his food order is wrong he goes BALLISTIC, or if his new shoes get dirty. I understand he feels out of control, that he doesnt have a lot. He also has(all along) a few habbits that I do not agree with, and they are getting in the way of him bettering himself. That is my opinion, but also it is common sense. When he expresses the desire for change and asks for support, I give it to him, but then he slips back and I get "naggy"because I get disappointed. He also lets people manipulate him sortof. Like this lady owed him money that he needed to move over by me...but instead of giving it to him, she put money down on a place close to her and bought him used furniture so he could stay near her and babysit!

 

 

That stuff caused stress between us, but by the end of the day it was always fine.

But a few months after I came back in town for the summer, he started hanging out with this new kid. Most of his friends agree also that he is shady and bad news. He has since then started acting irrational toward me and everyone else sometimes...when he feels "cornered". We will get in an argument, and he grossly misinterprets me, or says I am trying to manipulate him, etc. I feel like I cant even be upset about anything myself, because he is under too much stress and cant handle it. When I told him that I feel I get no emotional support, he got irrate, broke up with me, saying things to push me away. I was DEVASTATED, as it was kinda outa the blue. A few days later he appologized, and said he needed me etc., he is just stressed out and cant deal. He was dealing with a lot financially too then.

 

Then he did it a few more times, and he did admit he needs counseling but cant afford it. But he says I AM the only one he does it to, and he needs space to figure things out in his own head, like if we should really be together in the longrun or not.One thing he sights is that we are too different. He grew up without a dad in an unstable home, and my family is the classic close knit nuclear unit. We are from very different backgrounds, and have some different interests as well. But that never bothered him before.

 

I have also gained a substantial amount of weight. It hasnt affected our relationship, but now that he wants space, I cant help thinking I am not enough somehow.

 

A friend and I became concerned that he might have some kind of drug problem, as he has lost lots of weight and acts strangely, and plus this new crowd. We confronted him and of course he got upset, but since then I have had doubts about that.

 

I just don't know what to think. He wants space....ok I understand that I nag him too much sometimes....but he still calls me, etc. He cant decide if he wants permanent separation or not. After all the time effort, devotion, money, etc. I spent working on this relationship, I am floored that he all of a sudden doesnt want to try.

 

He says he just doesnt know, we fight too much, are too different. But I know him waaaaay too well to buy that one, and its definitely not another girl either. I cant help but think he is paying me back for the "space" I needed a few years ago. Maybe he is just really stressed out. Maybe he has another problem he doesnt know how to deal with. I know he still loves me, he shows it too, but if its going to be a permanent situation, I just wanna know.

 

What do you think?

[melee18]

sounds like you're both really stressed!

 

i would give him all the space he asked for. when you talk to him, let him know you're there for him, but i wouldn't try to give him advice or nag him. just let him know that someone still cares about him.

 

i wouldn't wait around for him to clean up his act - it sounds like it's going to take a while! enjoy your life, grow and become a better person and hopefully he will do the same. only time will tell, and if there is one thing i've learned its that you can't change anyone else but yourself!

[HeartAche]

Sounds very much like the situation I'm currently in with my Fiancee (assuming she still thinks we're engaged).

 

She's moved out after 5 years of being together saying she needs a break. She used the "we fight too much, we're too different" lines too.

 

Unfortunately it's out of your control. All you can do is what I'm trying to do now. Give them the space they want. Hopefully they'll use the time to seriously think about things and, if we're lucky, perhaps if they're on their own they'll realise they miss us too much and come back.

 

It's incredibly hard and painful I know because, as I said, I'm going through the exact same thing right now. Just give them space, try not to contact them and wait to see what happens. Don't wait too long though, give him something like 2 weeks to figure out what he wants and if he wants more time say that's fine but you're not going to hang about.

[joyce1412]

He says he just doesnt know, we fight too much, are too different.

 

like it was just said, my ex used those lines on me, too.

 

...and i used them on someone ELSE when i was the dumper.

 

they're the standard lines. they're usually used when a) the dumper knows the real reasons are too hurtful to reveal or when b) the dumper just doesn't really know WHY it doesn't feel right...but it doesn't. "differences" and "fighting" don't usually just spring up from out of nowhere and suddenly make a relationship impossible to maintain.

 

just try to prepare yourself for this truly being the end. when those reasons are given, they're rarely the truth, or they're half-truths. bad relationships are not about two people being "too different," especially when these differences are often known and acknowledged from the very beginning. "fighting too much" is also, in my opinion, quite a cop-out. the excessive fighting can usually be remedied if both parties are willing to work on communication and respect.

 

the important message he's sending out in all of this is that he's not WANTING to work on not fighting, he's not WANTING to work on bridging the gap between two different people. he just wants out.

 

again, i agree, give him the space he needs. but in the meantime, take care of yourself, try to get your mind off of him and focus on how to make your own, singular life better.

 

good luck my friend.