Loves me but isn't in love with me

[HeartAche]

Hi,

 

My Fiancee of 5 years left me last Thursday telling me that we need a break. She was all reasurring telling me that she'd be back and we just needed a couple of weeks apart and that I should look at it as though she's just on holiday.

 

We made love before she left and she phoned me after about 10 minutes of going and we talked until she got to her sisters who lives about an hour away.

 

The following day she popped in on her way to her sisters from work and, as I wasn't there, she tried calling a couple of times but I was in the cinema so I couldn't answer. I got out the cinema, called her just as she was about to leave and she asked if I wanted her to wait, I said yes. She then offered to cook me dinner and I said that it would be nice. I got home and saw she had written me a loving note. I gave her a hug and she asked why I couldn't be like that all the time. We had dinner then snuggled on the sofa and ended up making love again. She then left and again phoned me and we spoke until she got to her sisters.

 

Over the weekend she sent a couple of texts and we spoke briefly but she seemed really fed-up and hardly said anything.

 

I then phoned her early on Monday and again she seemed miserable and didn't seem to want to talk to me. I got a couple of cold texts during the day and she popped in on the way back from work but wasn't like she was on Friday. I tried to talk to her but she didn't seem to want to say anything. Eventually she told me that she loves me but she doesn't know if she's in love with me and that's why we need this time apart. She said she didn't want to throw away the five years we've had and she thinks this is a good idea.

 

I said that she should really be on her own then rather than with her family and then she said that her boss has a flat for sale that's currently empty and she could use that for a bit. I said that it was a good idea and she said she'll move into the flat today (Wednesday). I suggested that perhaps we shouldn't contact each other and she said that she'll probably send me loads of emails tomorrow anyway. So we agreed that she could contact me and I'll respond but I won't contact her. We hugged and said goodbye and that was the last time I saw her.

 

On Tuesday mid-day I got an email which I replied to then she came back with another one that sounded a bit nasty, effectively blaming my parents for "the way I am" and there was no loving signoff (we usually sign off with three kisses and the first email had those). I was diplomatic in my response and said that she's probably right but I think it'll make me a better father as I won't make the same mistakes. Again she came back with a nasty response saying that she won't contact my parents for fear of saying something she'll regret, like "because of them I need councelling". Then she had a couple of digs about me being a father, saying that I'd probably be good apart from the fact that I can't cook and I'd always be worried about my stuff getting damaged. I decided to leave it at that so didn't reply.

 

When I got home I found that she'd already been there and from the way things were left it was obvious that she rushed around to get in and out before I got back. She'd taken a few extra clothes, some old mail, her hair straightners, laptop and laptop bag plus a weeks supply of the pill - she'd stopped taking the pill about a month ago so why, if she's on her own, would she start now? She's not even due on for another couple of weeks so this would throw her cycle out of wack.

 

Before I knew what was gone, I phoned her to make sure it was her and she ignored the phone. 10 minutes later she called back and asked if I called - I called her mobile so unless she's erased me from her phonebook she'd know that I'd called. I said I just wanted to check that it was her who came in the house and I made a comment about it being a fleeting visit. She said it was and she had to get back because she's got to sort out the dogs. I asked if she's moving into the flat tonight and she said she was. I then said that I'd let her go then and I can't be 100% certain but it sounded like she said "okay, see you later mate". Mate? Again I can't be sure and I don't think I've ever heard her call anyone mate before but it certainly sounded like it.

 

The two week "break" is due to end on the 27th of this month but from the way things have gone, I don't think she'll come back. It's hurting so much because I'm alone and it feels like it's over but I'm also clinging to the hope that she'll come back to me.

 

What should I do?

[saltwatergirl]

See you later mate? Hmmmm.

 

The pills are curious.

 

Ok first of all, you dont tell your boyfriend of 5 years that you need a 'holiday" from each other, and pick the day you'll be back from your little vacation apart. Then proceed to have sex after this announcement? That is asinine. No, there is definitely something up here.

 

It sounds to me like she has something planned, probably just something to "try out", probably has met someone and is considering her interest in him...thus the "holiday" making sure that if she regrets it, youll still be there; yet with the announcement of a "break" she is free to declare her intentions to leave permanently if the other thing pans out. The pre-departure and intermittent sex confirms the intention of keeping you waiting just in case.

 

Something happened over the weekend. And it wasn't random.

 

I wish i had some other scenario to offer up, but I really believe this is whats up.

 

Salt

[kitten]

Sounds like a rough time.

 

In honesty, I think the best thing you can do is cut off communication with her for the time being. You'll hear this advice again and again, so let me be the first to provide it.

 

It sounds cold, perhaps callous, and definitely not what you want to hear, but trust me, and the others here -- there is a reason for it.

 

Rather, there are several reasons.

 

The first and obvious is that it forces her to wonder about you. Right now you're the one wandering in the dark; let her see what it's like to not know what's going on. But beyond that petty pleasure, the truth is, it also forces her to consider what she's doing and why. You see, if you're constantly in touch with her, she has no reason to think about you other than those brief times when you are actually, at that moment, speaking to her. On the other hand, if you stop speaking to her, eventually her thoughts will turn to you, and the situation.

 

Another reason is because if things don't work out (and we hope they do, but it's the old hope-for-best, prepare-for-worst type thing), you'll only be prolonging your own healing.

 

Third, emotional times are not good times for communication. Thoughts are roiling about in your head all day and night, I know, and you'd love to share with her what's on your mind, but what seems like a good idea to say probably isn't, no matter how much thought you've put into it.

 

Perhaps most of all, though, is that she is the one who initiated this. thereforeeee she is sending you a message: I want to be apart from you, at least right now. Clearly, you want this to get fixed, but what you see as reaching out, she sees as annoying. When she's ready, she'll seek you out, and she will talk to you. If you pester her before that happens, you're pushing her away.

 

Please think about it. Thet 27th is not that far away, and I think you can do this. No calls, no texts, no email, no IM, nothing. If she does call, keep things as absolutely brief as possible and don't get into any kind of heavy discussion about the situation. Be light, be civil, but don't let her control the entire situation the way she is now -- it isn't helping you at all.

 

 

(If she does comment on how you're never available these days, just apologize and explain that you've been busy. Let her think about that.)

 

BEst of luck, and keep us posted.

[blender]

The first thing to do is "breathe", it will all be okay, just know that this is NOT about you, this is about HER, and whatever doubts, fears, or whatever she is going through, it could be her age, or just a "panic" about her own life, and what she wants to do with it.

 

You are powerless over any choices she may make, and if it is meant to be that you two are together it will be, if not, (and I know that's so difficult for you to even consider right now) but all will be exactly as it should be and YOU will GET THROUGH THIS, just keep your self respect and try not to call her too much, and if she's giving you the "brush off" on phone conversations, just simply say: "I don't appreciate your ambivilance towards me and if it continues, I won't be interested in making the effort to works towards us as a couple".

 

Stand your ground, and know that you can NOT make someone WANT to be with you, let her go for a bit and see if she can make the choice on her own to come back to you the RIGHT way, with respect, love, gratitude, and an apology for even putting you through this, if she does not make this kind of effort, well then you have to make some choices for yourself and know that YOU are worthy of a full, committed, loving, respectful, trustworthy, understood relationship and anything less is LESS, and YOU deserve not just a piece of the cake but the WHOLE cake...

 

and perhaps destiny and fate are guiding you towards another girl in the future. This will be a difficult time, but try to remember that all you have control over is WHO YOU ARE, and be self respecting enough to let her know, you will not be "on hold" for her for too long.... let us know how you are doing... keep posting here, it helps, it really does... Sorry you are going through this...

[HeartAche]

Salt,

 

You seem to have a similar opinion to my dad. He finds the hole "empty flat thing" a bit convenient and when I think back to the conversation it does seem strange.

 

She said that she would be doing a couple of private jobs after work next week and I told her not to overdo it as, because of the excessive travelling, she'll make herself ill. She originally said that it's okay, she'll probably spend a couple of nights near her friend. I then asked if it's okay if she stays with her friend and she said it was. Then, only after I said that she should spend some time alone, she decided to mention the flat. Both the flat and the friend are near to where she works so why didn't she mention the flat to begin with?

 

Kitten,

 

Thanks for the advice. I think what you have suggested is a good idea but I'm just worried that if I don't reply to her emails or texts then she'll think I'm ignoring her and that'll push her away also. Yesterday, for example, I didn't get her email straight away and so obviously didn't reply. After about 30 minutes, because I hadn't replied, she sent me a text saying the same thing.

 

If she emails me, should I reply saying that I think we shouldn't contact each other anymore until the 27th or would it be better to try and ignore her?

[saltwatergirl]

Salt,

 

You seem to have a similar opinion to my dad. He finds the hole "empty flat thing" a bit convenient and when I think back to the conversation it does seem strange.

 

She said that she would be doing a couple of private jobs after work next week and I told her not to overdo it as, because of the excessive travelling, she'll make herself ill. She originally said that it's okay, she'll probably spend a couple of nights near her friend. I then asked if it's okay if she stays with her friend and she said it was. Then, only after I said that she should spend some time alone, she decided to mention the flat. Both the flat and the friend are near to where she works so why didn't she mention the flat to begin with?

 

 

Exactly. You're smarter than this, so Im not gonna belabor the point anymore.

 

As for what to do, I know what you mean about coming off as ignoring, but listen, you have good reason to believe that she has cut you off temporarily to try something else out---lots of signs and oddities, you didnt just pull this out of the air----do you really care now if you come off as ignoring? She needs ignoring. I'd ignore the heck out of her until she finally coughs up the truth about whats going on here.

 

You deserve alot more than this treatment, you were with her for 5 years and engaged. Come on. You've earned and deserve more than a "I want a holiday" and "see you later mate". I mean come on. Find your mind here. Sometimes we have to demand respect. This is one of those times.

 

Salt

[saltwatergirl]

 

So we agreed that she could contact me and I'll respond but I won't contact her.

 

^^^Read this again ^^^

 

 

Lets put this into perspective: wants a temporary break, gets pills, arranges to stay in an empty flat, establishes a time to come back to you at later date, and then you agree to the above.

 

Now, think.

Salt

[Horizon44]

Hey mate,

 

I feel your pain, im really sorry to hear this, something weird seems to happen near the 5 year mark

 

Dont talk to her even if she contacts you, the whole break thing for a few weeks is stupid, especially moving into an empty flat.

 

Maybe visit her at the flat?

 

This is rough and you dont deserve that!

 

I hope it works out for you!

[RayKay]

Hey hon,

 

I am sorry, this must of been quite a shock given you are engaged, and I assume planning a wedding. It may also be why she has decided to re-evaluate before she walks down that aisle.

 

However, even if she was having doubts, she is rather unfair to make it all on "her terms" - you can't just decide to take "vacations" during a relationship on a whim, and decide you will come back when you feel like it, and so forth. I have no idea about the pills, seems VERY odd if she stopped taking them, and then just took a week.....hate to say it but only reason you would take a weeks supply after stopping the pill is to use as emergency contraception (for some pills at least).

 

It's also very unfair for her to say "she needs to think things through" and then sleep with you after saying you needed a break.

 

I agree that the huge shift in attitude on her part from the Friday to the next week tells me something happened that weekend. Be it she met someone (or more) or she made a choice to move on, I don't know. But something did change to make her suddenly became bitter and hostile towards you.

 

I truly DO suggest you cut off contact with her. If she wants her "break" (which is really a chicken way to break up), fine, but she cannot drag you through mud at the same time...do not allow her to treat you that way. You deserve much better than this. I know it hurts, but you need to think of moving forward, rather than waiting for her - she is being selfish right now, and I really don't think you should hinge your hopes on her return.

[r3drobin]

well, seems everyone has great advice for you... take it is all i can say. i dont know if you have God in your life but if you do...turn to Him. i know for you non-religious people it sounds crazy, but if you believe in God, He works. i am having a hard time remembering that right now myself...but i know He works. and He will work for you too.

 

as far as your woman...she sounds very confused. try not to let her "figure it out" with you hanging in the wind. let her figure it out on her own. i agree with the no contact...as that will give her time to figure it out...and you can begin to heal.

 

oh it seems very strange for me to give advice when i'm in such a state of heartache myself...but i know, well my head knows, what is best. and it seems to be accross the board in bad breakups. no contact, keep busy, and take care of YOU.

[HeartAche]

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support.

 

I've managed to get through the first 24 hours of no contact. It wasn't easy as, because we didn't set any NC rules as such, I was still expecting her to contact me and the fact that she hasn't, after the way she was on Tuesday, makes me think that she's made her decision all ready.

 

However, no news is good news I guess. Perhaps she feels that if she doesn't contact me for a few days it will help her figure out how she really feels.

 

Feels very strange though, after having some sort of contact with someone everyday for 5 years then all of a sudden they're not there anymore.

[saltwatergirl]

You've done a great job. Any time you feel you need to say something, come post it here. Im sure in time and with space and silence, she will come around and you can then find out what's going on. You wouldnt get an answer now anyway, as she appears to not know what she's doing.

 

Salt

[wap]

I know exactly how you feel, my boyfriend said the same thing to me a couple of weeks ago. We were together for 4 years. He said he loves me but is not in love with me or us as a couple anymore. I am heartbroken. We were still in contact. He emailed while he was away with work etc. Now he is back, the emails were very abrupt and it is just hurting me even more. I decided yesterday to stop texting him/emailing him for a bit to see what happens.

 

I am really sorry about your situation, the best thing I think you can do is not contact her either, she is being very unfair to you. Keeping you hanging on like that.

[HeartAche]

Well the NC lasted a whole 46 hours.

 

I was on the way home last night when I got a text from her:

 

"You okay?"

 

Bit cold I thought but, as we hadn't said that there was a no contact rule, I thought I'd best reply. I was toying about being honest and telling her how I really was but then thought, what's the point? It's not going to change anything, so I replied with:

 

"Fine thanks, you?"

 

I was expecting her to come back with a 'Yeah I'm okay' response and I was right, a few minutes later I got a:

 

"Yeah apart from having a head cold!"

 

There was no question attached to it so I just left it at that. I'm trying not to read into the messages too much but it's hard not too. I suppose the fact that she contacted me means that she's obviously thinking about me - or am I wrong? The fact she didn't put any kisses on them is probably so I don't get the wrong idea or maybe this whole thing is a big game to her and she's just doing this to torment me, let me know that she still exists and that she's perfectly fine without me.

 

Oh well, there's only one week to go now until I get her decision - not that I'm expecting it to be the one I want but I can live in hope eh?

 

Edit: This just in, she's just sent me an email:

 

"How are you? How come you didn't reply to the last text I sent?"

 

Why is she doing this to me? My heart is now pounding big time and my stomach is churning once again. Should I tell her how I really am or should I just be aloof again?

[HeartAche]

Not wanting to ignore her I replied and so far today I've had 8 emails!

 

I was gradually improving but now I feel I'm back to square one. Her emails are little chit chat things, like "hope you're okay", "what have you been up to?" but she's throwing in a few digs about things that obviously annoyed her in the past and adding in phrases like "not that it matters now".

 

What does this mean? Do I take the fact that she's emailing me as a good sign? Or is this kind of behaviour normal when you split up with someone you've been with for a while?

 

I'm doing my best to not mention that I'm missing her loads and asking her if she's any closer to a decision yet but it's extremely hard.

 

Having said that, her last email that I've just received is pretty damning:

 

You really need to get out of there! You're not happy with your job and you obviously don't like the people you work with so why stay there?

I know I moan about my job but on the whole I have a laugh and a joke at work which makes the day go quicker plus I'm actually going places with it so that I'm pleased about it's just the politics that annoy me.

I think you're just the type of person that settles down in something gets comfortable and that's where you want to stay because it's easy. You tell me I have no back bone yours is just as soft!! I'm not having a go at you I'm saying this because it's true and I think if you sat down and thought about it you'd realise it too.

I want you to be happy in everything you do believe it or not (and I've realised it ) if you think about yourself for a bit and take a grip, go after something that you want and achieve it you'll be happier, and I don't mean with someone else I mean alone.

This sounds bad and selfish but I'm actually enjoying this break I'm tired and run down but I'm finishing work when I want get home when I want call who I want take the dogs out fall asleep early leave stuff lying about and I just feel free!

I have thought about you, mainly hoping that you're okay and I do miss you to some extent. I think that i am a very independent person really I need my space but I also like to do things and get there meet people and make friends. You need to find yourself and be truthful with yourself as to what you really want out of life. I sound like I'm preaching, I'm sorry! Don't take any of what I've said the wrong way okay I'm just giving some advise which you probably don't want but hopefully it might o some good xxxxxxxx

 

So I don't think it takes a genius to figure out that she's no intention of coming back, even though she hasn't said it in so many words.

[HeartAche]

After a bunch of emails I eventually asked her if she's made her decision and got this:

 

I'm glad you've started sorting yourself out and I'm glad you've booked an appointment with the doctor I really should do that as well.

Honey I just want you to know that I'm not blaming you for what's gone on recently as I've realised that had i have spoken to you about things we probably wouldn't be in this situation now, but there were reasons why i didn't or couldn't speak to you and some of that I blame you for but I blame myself as well i think maybe I just didn't want to talk to you, I just couldn't be bothered and I don't mean that in a horrible way.

Baby I'm bored with the relationship I'm still young and I want to do stuff, anything and everything I don't care who with or where i just want to do stuff, i don't want to look back on my life in 20-30 years time and have nothing to talk about.

I can go out now and do some private work earn a bit more money and not feel guilty about leaving you at home on your own or you being mad with me cause I'm late or not charged enough or whatever, I know you care about me but I can't deal with the stroppyness believe it or not it actual hurts when your mad at me and it makes me dislike you for it which I don't want to do.

I think we should just call it a day, I know that's not what you want and i'm leaving you with nothing of my own so it'll be harder for me but I'll pick myself up cause i know I'm strong. I love you but as I said the other day I'm not in love with you and I can't see me spending the rest of my life with you. You may well change but I don't want you to change for me and I don't want to turn you into something you're not. We have had alot of good times and I'll never forget you but I want to spend the rest of my life being happy, maybe I would have with you but I think i let it go too far without explaining how I felt earlier.

I hope you don't think that this has been five years wasted because to me it hasn't. I'm sorry for hurting you, please don't hate me I don't want you to hate me for this xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

I just feel so numb now, my stomach is churning and I'm just shell shocked. I always had a feeling that it was over but now there's was always that glimmer of hope... and now that's gone.

 

I'd appreciate some words of encouragement from anyone who's been through this before.

[fatfaso]

This website is great for guys like you HeartAche because you can take comfort in the fact that you really are not alone. I'm 24 and my girlfriend of six years broke up with me around a month and a half ago. She gave me the same reason your "ex" gave you... she wants to be free and independent. I don't know how old your "ex" is, but if she's young, chances are she just needs to take some time to do stuff on her own. Try not to let it get you down. I know that's pretty hard to do, but you need to try and do stuff to take your mind off of things. Talking about it IS okay... its cathartic. Sadly your "ex" seems to be adament about staying broken up, but don't worry about it. She'll take time for herself and maybe one day she'll realize life is much better when she's with somebody rather than being alone. Sadly, she might figure this out far off into the future and by then you two will be different people and you might not get back together. But take her at her word... she'll never forget you. You'll always be a part of her life.

[cherriecheek]

i can completely sympothize with you in this situation.

 

althought my bf and i were together for about 2 years as opposed to 5, we ended the relationship for the same reasons....he wasnt sure if he was in love with me... and the worst is that feeling of helplessness since theres NOTHING you can do but wait and hope.

 

i come to realize there are two types of breakups, those that end ubruptly due to a fight or a spontanious "i wanna break up!" these type of breakups are usually the people who get back together quickly cause of guilt, second guessing etc...

 

then theres our situation, this type of breakup takes soul searching and thought....its well planned, not spontanous, and not usually because of someone else.

 

the good news is, if you guys do get back together, your relationship will probably be better off, because she will realize that life without you is simply not worth living. but, theres a chance she will realize that your not her soul mate, and sure it sucks, but in the long run, you'll be better off. imagine if you marry this girl and 10 or 15 years down the line she feels this way.

 

either way, i think the way your handling this situation is admirable, i hope everything works out for you.

[krieg]

then theres our situation, this type of breakup takes soul searching and thought....its well planned, not spontanous, and not usually because of someone else.

 

Only you forget to mention that there is ALWAYS someone else involfed in the equation, and typically most of the time it is another emotional interest your partner has, which is the real heartbreaker.

 

Can there really ever be a scenario where they genuanly wont to find themselfes, hell my girlfriend even tried saying she was trying to cleanse her aura and achieve self actualisation at one point. Now that is rubbing salt on the wounds, as it is blatently bull....

[HeartAche]

Only you forget to mention that there is ALWAYS someone else involfed in the equation, and typically most of the time it is another emotional interest your partner has, which is the real heartbreaker.

 

That's exactly what I was thinking. I find it hard to believe that after 5 years of living together, 4 of which we were engaged after SHE asked me to marry her. She's now decided that she's too young to settle down and she wants to be single.

 

Why can't she just be honest with me, why say crap like "we're too different", "I love you but I'm not in love with you"? Makes absolutely no sense and why on earth does she want to remain friends? Why say she doesn't want me to hate her for this? What difference does it make how I feel about her now? She's obviously off doing her thing so what does it matter what I think of her now?

 

Also, after Fridays revelations, there was no contact from her over the weekend and then this afternoon, I get a text and an email "Are you in work?" Why??? I eventually replied with "Yes, why?" and got a "Just askin" in return! What's the point. She's also still visiting my web site, presumably to see if her special message is still there. Surely she'd want nothing to do with me now, she's made her decision that she doesn't want to be with me so why try to say in contact????