Jealousy and Paranoia

[mikeyc77]

Hello All,

 

Firstly just a brief background into my situation. Been seeing a girl for almost 2 years. We live 2 hours drive from each other so meet up most weekends. It's going really well, we're very much in love and I even picture staying with her for the rest of my life. However, we still have at least 3 more years before we can live with together.

 

I don't think I have a huge problem with jealousy or paranoia, it's never been a problem with past relationships, I have good self esteem and I'm a confident person, however recently I have been having some strong feelings. There have been a couple of instances, both on a weekend when we haven't been together. The first, she told me she was going out with a few girl mates for some drinks and a chat, however 2 guys that we've never met before also turned up. At around midnight, the girls went home, leaving my girlfriend and two guys. I phoned later on that night to find she was out clubbing with them. I don't think I would mind so much if one of her friends was there but I hated the fact that she was out with 2 guys she has known for only a few hours.

 

The second instance was similar. She met up with some uni friends for a few drinks after class and ended up going to a club with a guy after everyone else had gone home. I've never met this guy and she has only talked to him a couple of times. I didn't feel to bad on this occasion as she told me the guy was gay but I still felt uneasy as she was drunk, with a guy she hardly knows and in the middle of London.

 

I've talked to her about this and I don't think I have anything to worry about however my feelings are that a long distance relationship takes a little more consideration for your partner. Am I right? Or should I just stop being a paranoid food and let her get on with whatever she wants to do?

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

Is this girl your talking about named Claire? I went back and read your old threads in 2004 and this is not a new issue in your relationship.

 

If you are having strong feelings about the matter, I would have to say, always trust your gut. Have a talk with her and let her know how you feel. But if this is the same girl, then no trust, no relationship.

[mikeyc77]

No, this is a different girl.

Claire wasn't over her ex so I broke it off soon after that post.

 

I don't feel that this girl would cheat on me, it justs makes me very uncomfortable. Hard to explain these feelings.

[kellbell]

Okay, I see.

 

Talk to her about how you feel. She may not even realize how you feel about her doing these things. Keep the lines of communication open.

[mikeyc77]

I have talked to her, she knows exactly how I feel.

 

There's not much more I can do. I can't tell her to stop hanging around with guys that she or I don't know, all I can tell her is how I feel and if that has no effect then I guess I just have to put up with the paranoia.

[monkey1]

Yeah, just trust her. If you make it into an issue, then she might stop telling you what's going on. As long as she knows your feelings about it, then leave it alone. And don't tell her "you can't hang out with guys you don't know well without your other friends around." She's a grown up and is hopefully responsible.

[Anna.]

You are right. Long distance relationships do involve a little more consideration for your partner and you are justified for feeling the way you do. My bf and I are in a LDR and we have a rule, when I go out i have to have a girlfriend with me the whole time. It makes sense. And also no being alone with exes.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

I think you have a right to be a bit paranoid, but don't let it get out of hand.

 

Anna: Does he have the same type rules?

[Anna.]

Any rule that applies to me applies to him.

[Rabican]

I have talked to her, she knows exactly how I feel.

 

There's not much more I can do. I can't tell her to stop hanging around with guys that she or I don't know, all I can tell her is how I feel and if that has no effect then I guess I just have to put up with the paranoia.

 

or you can tell her how you feel. And if she continues to hang out with random guys at 3 am while shes drunk and nobody else is around... you can decide that you deserve better and find a new girl. You shouldnt have to put with up 'paranoia'

I mean, its one thing if you are making something out of nothing. But I think hanging out alone, drunk, with guys is a no no when your in a relationship.